"ALL BAD THINGS MUST COME TO AN END"
By Abby
I realize this script duplicates some of what happened in "The Nose Knows" but ... I wrote mine first!
INT. PSYCHIATRIST'S OFFICE
C.C. LIES ON A COUCH, RUBBING HER TEMPLES WITH HER
FINGERTIPS. THE DOCTOR SITS IN A CHAIR BESIDE HER, A
NOTE PAD ON HIS LAP.
DOCTOR
Now, where were we?
C.C.
Same place we always are.
DOCTOR
Is he still driving you to drink?
C.C.
Nooooooo. I pulled up to that
address a long time ago.
DOCTOR
We'll save that one for next week.
Now, can you tell me just what it is
that gets under your skin so much?
C.C.
The sarcasm, the put-downs, the
slams. It's like having my own
personal misery machine. Of course,
I do get off a good one of my own
now and again.
DOCTOR
And this makes you feel better.
C.C.
Infinitely.
DOCTOR
C.C. ... have you ever considered
what may be at the root of all this
hostility?
C.C.
Hate?
DOCTOR
Hate?
C.C.
Hate.
DOCTOR
But "hate" is such a strong word.
C.C.
So is "loathe," "detest," and
"despise." Pick one.
DOCTOR
Don't you think there might be
something else driving these
rather impassioned exchanges?
C.C.
No. (BEAT) Like what?
DOCTOR
Well, when two people are at such
odds with each other, there's
usually an underlying reason.
Something neither party may want to
acknowledge.
C.C. SITS UP.
C.C.
Oh, and I suppose this is the part
when you tell me that we're repulsed
by the sexual tension so we:
"sabotage any potential romance with
verbal abuse."
THE DOCTOR CRUMPLES AND SHOOTS A PIECE OF PAPER INTO THE
TRASH CAN.
DOCTOR
It's up ... and she scores!
C.C.
Oh, no-no-no-no-no. You can't be
serious.
DOCTOR
Hey, it was your diagnosis. And,
interesting choice of the phrase
"sexual tension." There's something
you aren't telling me, isn't there?
C.C. GROANS MISERABLY.
DOCTOR (CONT'D)
C'mon ... We've been trying to solve
this problem for three years. Hell,
he's the reason I've got a ninety-
foot Bertram at Montauk.
SHE LIES BACK DOWN.
C.C.
(SIGHS) Well, we did have a sort of
"brief encounter" one night. But it
was totally driven by depression and
waaayyy too much Johnny Walker ...
black.
DOCTOR
Oh? And just how far did this
"brief encounter" go?
C.C.
Not that far, believe me. Pul-eeze!
That's all I'd need -- a snide,
neurotic, bitter little brat with a
gold card in one hand and a feather
duster in the other! Nooooo, thank
you!!
DOCTOR
Now, C.C. Don't overreact.
C.C.
C.C. Babcock does not overreact.
Only insecure, anal-retentive,
sexually frustrated, bitter old
maids overreact!
DOCTOR
Ah. I see we've made some progress
on your self image.
INT. KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING
NILES MAKES COFFEE.
C.C. ENTERS, CARRYING A BAG OF BAGELS.
C.C.
Hello, hello. You're up early.
NILES GRABS THE MINI-VAC AND STARES AT HER, EXPECTANTLY.
C.C. (CONT'D)
What?
NILES
It's sunrise. I'm waiting for you
to turn to dust.
C.C.
Niles, you're impossible.
NILES
And you're easy. Or so it would
seem.
FRAN ENTERS.
FRAN
Good morning everyone!
NILES
Miss Fine. You're up early.
FRAN
It's such a bea-utiful day. I
thought I'd take the kids to the
park and take in the scenery. The
Speedos should be in full bloom
today.
NILES
Miss Fine, why don't you just carry
a sign: "Mating Season Now Open."
FRAN
Because ... I am a woman of the '90s.
I am no longer a desperate, pathetic
bimbo, chasin' after men. (BEAT)
And besides, it doesn't work.
MAXWELL ENTERS.
MAXWELL
Good morning everyone.
C.C.
Oh Maxwell, I'm glad you're out of
bed.
NILES
As if.
C.C.
About the banquet ...
MAXWELL
Oh, uh ... I can't go.
C.C.
Maxwell! You promised!
MAXWELL
I'm sorry C.C., but I completely
forgot about the PBS fund-raiser.
C.C.
Oh, when are they ever going to
figure out that people would
rather watch static than that
torturous begfest.
MAXWELL
Oh C.C., it's for a good cause.
C.C.
So's this banquet -- and we're the
cause. Some of the wealthiest people
in New York are going to be there.
Plaza Hotel, open bar, gourmet food.
It'll be so exciting.
NILES
(SOTTO, TO FRAN) Like reruns of the
Weather Channel.
MAXWELL
I'm sorry. I can't.
C.C.
Oo! How can you expect me to go
to this excruciatingly boring affair
alone? I'll get hit on by all the
old crones. And besides ... it'll
look like C.C. Babcock couldn't get
a date.
NILES STARTS TO SPEAK ...
MAXWELL
Niles!
... THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY.
NILES
God, I think I pulled something.
C.C.
You should be used to that.
MAXWELL
I'm sorry C.C., but can't you get
someone else to escort you?
C.C.
Who could I possibly I ask on such
short notice?
FRAN
Someone single ...
MAXWELL
Someone who already owns a tuxedo ...
C.C.
Someone who's social life is even
more pathetic than mine ...
THEY ALL TURN TOWARD NILES.
NILES
I beg your pardon. The three of
you could start your own chapter of
the Born Again Virgins club.
C.C.
C'mon, Niles. I can't go alone.
And it's too late to ask anyone I'd
really like to go with.
NILES
Stop it -- my head will swell.
C.C. STARTS TO SPEAK ...
MAXWELL
C.C.!
... THEN STOPS ABRUPTLY.
C.C.
Oh, please, please, please, please,
pleeeeeease!
NILES
Well ... what's in it for me?
C.C.
Open bar, gourmet food, lots of
filthy rich people ... and ... I'll
owe you.
PAUSE - HE IS SUDDENLY INTERESTED.
NILES
No ... you'll owe me big.
C.C.
Fine.
NILES
Free food, free booze, and you'll
owe me big?
C.C.
Uh-huh.
HE MULLS OVER THE OFFER AS C.C. SQUIRMS.
NILES
Black tie?
C.C.
Of course.
NILES
Deal.
C.C. CRUMBLES AND SHOOTS A ROLLED UP NAPKIN INTO THE
SINK.
C.C.
It's up ... and she scores!
SHE EXITS IN VICTORY.
FRAN
(SOTTO, TO NILES) Doesn't she wish.
NILES
Miss Fine -- you're my favorite
student.
EXT. CENTRAL PARK - LATER
(Fran, Maggie, Brighton, Grace)
ALL ARE DRESSED CASUALLY IN PLAY CLOTHES. SEVERAL
VIGNETTES ILLUSTRATING THE FOLLOWING SITUATIONS:
(AD-LIBBED, IN ANY ORDER)
1) ALL EAT HOT DOGS AS FRAN CHECKS OUT A PASSING JOGGER
(IN SPEEDOS).
2) ALL FEED DUCKS AS FRAN CHECKS OUT A PASSING BIKER
(ALSO IN SPEEDOS).
3) ALL EAT ICE CREAM AS MAGGIE FLIRTS WITH THE VENDOR.
4) GRACE COUNSELS A WINO.
5) BRIGHTON HITS ON AN OLDER WOMAN WHO ENDS UP BEING A
TRANSVESTITE.
6) ALL STOP TO PET A CUTE DOG WHICH THEN CHASES THEM.
INT. LIVING ROOM - THAT AFTERNOON
FRAN, MAGGIE, BRIGHTON, AND GRACE ENTER FROM THE FRONT
DOOR AND COLLAPSE ONTO THE COUCH, EXHAUSTED.
MAXWELL ENTERS.
MAXWELL
Well, I see you all had a full day.
FRAN
Oh, Mr. Sheffield -- it must've been
all that fresh New York City air.
(BEAT) Then again, it was probably
the hot dogs and ice cream and
knishes.
MAXWELL
Oh, my.
BRIGHTON
(TO FRAN) Yeah, the only exercise
you got was turning your neck to
check out the, uh, scenery.
FRAN
Brighton, pul-eeze. (TO MAGGIE)
Didya see the one in the silky black
shorts?
GRACE
The one with the loose shoelace?
FRAN
No honey, that was the one with the
great butt ... ler, who wasn't there.
(DEFENSIVELY, TO ALL) I thought he
was gonna trip.
MAGGIE
Like you were looking at his feet.
FRAN
Two hundred acres of stuff to do and
Nancy Drool over here has to spy on
me.
MAGGIE
Yeah. You're even better than
watching "Melrose."
FRAN
O-kay! All you guys -- upstairs and
get cleaned up!
BRIGHTON AND GRACE EXIT. FRAN GRABS MAGGIE'S ARM AS SHE
PASSES BY.
FRAN (CONT'D)
(SOTTO, TO MAGGIE) Next time ya
need someone to cover for you ...
try calling Amanda!
MAGGIE EXITS.
MAXWELL CONFIRMS THAT HE AND FRAN ARE ALONE.
MAXWELL
(FURTIVELY) Miss Fine, I've been
thinking...
FRAN
Good for you! (SOTTO) Oh, there's
more.
MAXWELL
What do you think about Niles and
C.C.?
FRAN
Well, he's got a few pounds on her,
but I think she can take him.
MAXWELL
No, no. I mean don't you think
perhaps there might be something
going on between them in a kind
of ... bizarre, kinky sort of way?
FRAN
Bizarre and kinky? I was thinking
more like sick and twisted.
MAXWELL
Didn't someone once say, "Hate is
step away from love?"
FRAN
Yeah, probably my mother.
MAXWELL
Oh, God.
FRAN
My parents fight all the time ...
about nothing. She's been on his
case for thirty years for obsessing
over the air conditioning. He
actually climbs up on a ladder just
to see if the vents are blowing. Of
course, she can't sleep if there's
even the remotest possibility of lint
in the dryer screen. So ... she yells,
he yells back ... and an hour later
they're snuggled on the couch watching
"Dr. Quinn."
PAUSE - MAXWELL IS IN A TRANCE.
MAXWELL
Oh. You're done. (BEAT) Well, it
just occurred to me that they're
both attractive, intelligent, single
people. You'd think that, after
years of hanging around each other,
something would have happened.
FRAN
Yeah, but ... just as well. He'd
probably take it back, anyway.
INT. LIVING ROOM - THAT EVENING
FRAN SITS ON THE COUCH, READING.
C.C. ENTERS FROM FRONT DOOR, DRESSED ELEGANTLY.
C.C.
(SHOWING OFF) Hello, hello!
FRAN
Miss Babcock! You look gorgeous!
(CALLING) And where's the lucky guy?
NILES ENTERS IN A TUXEDO.
NILES
"Lucky?" I was thinking more like
"generous."
C.C. CHECKS HIM OUT.
C.C.
Niiiiiles, you actually look ...
non-domestic.
SHE PREENS. HE STARES AT HER BLANKLY.
C.C. (CONT'D)
Oh, come on. This dress fits like
I was poured into it.
NILES
Too bad you forgot to say "when."
C.C.
Oh, let's just get this over with!
THEY EXIT.
INT. BANQUET HALL - LATER
C.C. IS SITTING AT A TABLE WITH A VERY OLD MAN WHO SEEMS
TO HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP IN MID-SENTENCE. A WAITER PASSES
NEAR HER, CARRYING A TRAY OF CHAMPAGNE GLASSES.
C.C.
(TO WAITER) Just a minute!
SHE TAKES TWO GLASSES AND GUZZLES ONE IMMEDIATELY.
INT. BANQUET HALL KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
THE USUAL BUSTLING KITCHEN. NILES IS SNOOPING AROUND,
GETTING IN THE WAY.
NILES
(TO CHEF) You can't be serious. That
wine is entirely too dry for coq au
vin.
INT. BANQUET HALL - CONTINUOUS
NILES IS PHYSICALLY THROWN OUT OF THE KITCHEN. HE JOINS
C.C. WHO NOW HAS A COLLECTION OF EMPTY GLASSES IN FRONT
OF HER.
NILES
Shall I call Betty Ford and arrange
for your usual room?
C.C.
Well, where have you been?
NILES
Giving a master class to the
Tasteless Gourmet.
C.C.
You were supposed to be my escort,
Niles. So far, I've been hit on by
more ancient crones than Anna Nicole
Smith.
NILES
No doubt due to the startling
resemblance.
C.C.
I need another drink!
SHE CROSSES TO THE BAR.
INT. SHEFFIELD KITCHEN - CONCURRENTLY
FRAN AND SYLVIA ARE NOSHING ON COLD LEFTOVER LASAGNA,
RIGHT OUT OF THE PAN.
SYLVIA
Mmmmmmm! What heavenly lasagna!
FRAN
Yeah, it's Niles' specialty of the
week.
SYLVIA
It's soooo good. What kind of
ketchup does he use?
FRAN
Ma, this is the real thing. He uses
Ragu.
SYLVIA
Ohhhh.
SHE STARES AT FRAN.
FRAN
What? Do I have a schmutz on my
face?
SYLVIA
Single, nice-looking, employed, and
he cooks like this? Is he gay?
FRAN
Niles? No! Although ... there was
that one time he asked to borrow my
Yentl album. No, no -- he hates
all of Mr. Sheffield's shows.
SYLVIA SLAPS FRAN'S ARM.
SYLVIA
Oy! What have you been thinking?
FRAN
What?!
SYLVIA
Marry him.
FRAN
Maa! That would be like ... incest!
Niles is a friend ... a mensch.
Like a big brother.
SYLVIA
Darling, I hate to burst your naive
little bubble, but he follows your
touckus around a room like gas
follows broccoli.
FRAN
No, he's just checking for panty
lines. I taught him that two years
ago. Besides, Mr. Sheffield and I
were just talking about this today.
I think he's got a thing for Miss
Babcock and visa-visa.
SYLVIA
Hmmmmm. Could be. They do fight
alot.
FRAN
Yeah, see, I have a theory about that.
SYLVIA
A theory? Who are you, Albert
Bernstein?
FRAN
That's Albert Schweitzer, Ma. (BEAT)
As I was saying ... I think they
insult each other 'cause they're
trying to cover up the fact that
there's an attraction between them.
SYLVIA
I don't know. Your father and I do
the same thing and attraction has
nothing to do with it. (BEAT)
Boredom, perhaps...
FRAN
Meanwhile, we're not talking about
you and Daddy. We're talking about
two people who hate each other before
marriage.
SYLVIA
Now you have a point. It's like
they're already broken in. (BEAT)
It could work.
INT. BANQUET HALL - A BIT LATER
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN ENTERS AND APPROACHES NILES.
WOMAN
Hi, handsome. Wanna dance?
NILES
Gee, that's a tough one. (WEIGHING
HIS CHOICES) Sit here with Miss
Babcock -- dance with beautiful
woman. Sit here with Miss Babcock --
dance with beautiful woman.
HE GETS UP QUICKLY. THEY BEGIN DANCING.
AT THE BAR ...
C.C.
(TO BARTENDER) Chivas. Rocks.
Double.
THE BARTENDER FIXES THE DRINK.
A LARGE, GOOD-LOOKING MAN ENTERS AND APPROACHES C.C.
HIS MANNER IS THAT OF A SLIMY LOTHARIO.
MAN
Hey gorgeous, what's your sign?
C.C.
"Stop." Or "die."
MAN
Gee, I was hoping for "Yield."
Or "merge."
C.C.
Lucky me. It's Rodney Dangerfield,
only without the sense of humor ...
and looks.
HE MOVES CLOSER, MAKING HER UNCOMFORTABLE.
MAN
C'mon, babe. You, me, a hot
steaming jacuzzi ...
C.C.
Look, I'm not in the mood, OK?
MAN
That's what I'm here for, honey.
HE TRIES TO PUT HIS ARM AROUND HER.
MAN (CONT'D)
To put you in the mood.
SHE SQUIRMS AWAY.
C.C.
(FIRMLY) I said "no."
MAN
Playing hard to get, huh? OK, I
can play rough.
HE GRABS HER FIRMLY. SHE STRUGGLES TO ESCAPE BUT CAN'T.
NILES NOTICES C.C.'S PLIGHT AND FREEZES.
WOMAN
What's the matter, sweetie?
NILES
Excuse me.
NILES URGENTLY CROSSES TO THE BAR.
C.C. IS STILL SQUIRMING.
NILES (CONT'D)
Is there a problem here?
MAN
Buzz off, Jeeves.
C.C.
Let me go!
NILES STEPS BETWEEN THEM, BREAKING THE MAN'S HOLD ON C.C.
HE TURNS TO FACE THE MAN, FINDING HIMSELF EYE-LEVEL WITH
HIS CHEST.
NILES
(INTO THE MAN'S CHEST) I believe
the lady asked to be left alone.
MAN
That's not the signal I got.
NILES
Why don't you just leave?
MAN
Who's gonna make me?
NILES LOOKS UP INTO THE MAN'S FACE.
NILES
I am.
THEY STARE AT EACH OTHER. THE MAN BACKS DOWN.
MAN
Ehhh, she's not worth the trouble.
NILES SLUGS THE MAN IN THE FACE, SENDING HIM STUMBLING
OUT OF THE ROOM.
NILES EXAMINES HIS HAND.
NILES
Owwwwww!
C.C.
(DAZED) Oh, my God.
HE SUCKS HIS HAND.
NILES
(MUMBLING) Are you alright?
C.C.
Uh ... yeah.
SHE RECOVERS.
C.C. (CONT'D)
(TO BARTENDER) Get some ice!
SHE STARES AT NILES.
C.C. (CONT'D)
What made you do that?
NILES
(UNEASILY) Well ... he was ... and
you were ...
THE ICE ARRIVES. SHE WRAPS SOME IN A CLOTH, STARTS TO
HAND IT TO NILES, BUT TAKES HIS INJURED HAND AND SOOTHES
IT HERSELF.
C.C.
Niles, that guy was twice your size!
NILES
I know.
HE GRABS THE BOTTLE OF CHIVAS WITH HIS FREE HAND AND
TAKES A LONG DRINK.
C.C.
Thank you.
NILES
No big deal.
C.C.
Yes ... it was.
WE EXPECT A KISS BUT THEY CHICKEN OUT.
NILES
You know what this means, don't you?
C.C.
What?
NILES
Now you owe me real big.
THEY LAUGH. HE OFFERS HER HIS ARM.
NILES (CONT'D)
C'mon Bonnie, let's get outta here.
C.C.
(TAKING HIS ARM) Right with ya,
Clyde.
THEY CROSS THE ROOM.
NILES
You're not going to tell anyone about
this, are you?
C.C.
What? And ruin my image? As far as
we're concerned, I decked the guy!
THEY EXIT.
INT. LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER
FRAN IS WATCHING TV. MAXWELL ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR.
MAXWELL
Hello, Miss Fine.
FRAN
Hi, Mr. Sheffield. How was the fund-
raiser?
MAXWELL
Well, everything was fine until that
big yellow bird and that obnoxious
purple dinosaur got into a
territorial dispute: (SINGING) "I
love you, you love me, now get out of
my blasted tree."
FRAN
Oh, y'know ... I never watched
channel thirteen when I was a kid.
My mother thought Jeannie and
Morticia were much better role
models.
MAXWELL
Really. I'd have never guessed.
What about Romper Room?
FRAN
Miss Barbara? Y'know, if you ask
me, I always thought she was just
a lit-tle bit anti-Semitic. "I see
Mary, I see Bob." How come she
never saw Irving or Sophie or
Sheldon?
MAXWELL SUDDENLY LOOKS AROUND.
MAXWELL
Where's Niles?
FRAN
He's still out with Miss Babcock.
MAXWELL
And ... you're waiting up for them
so you can get the scoop on their
"evening?"
FRAN
No! I was just ... (GRABS A CLOTH)
dusting. Niles asked me to since he
was ... going ... Oh, like you're not
curious?! Y'know, it's past midnight.
This "evening" now officially
qualifies as a "date."
MAXWELL
Either that or they've finally put
each other in the hospital.
FRAN
Excuse me? Whatever happened to,
"Gee, Miss Fine, do you think
something might be going on?"
MAXWELL
Well, I've been thinking. Again.
And knowing those two as I do, I've
decided there's no way in bloody
hell that they could possibly be
enjoying themselves.
OFFSTAGE - LAUGHTER FROM OUTSIDE.
THEY PEEK OUT THE FRONT WINDOW.
EXT. WALKWAY - CONTINUOUS
NILES AND C.C. ARE LAUGHING AND WALKING ARM IN ARM TOWARD
THE FRONT DOOR.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRAN
You were saying, Mr. Know-It-All...
MAXWELL
Here they come -- look natural!
THEY SCURRY AROUND AND LEAP ONTO THE COUCH.
NILES AND C.C. ENTER, STILL LAUGHING. NILES' HAND IS NOW
WRAPPED IN A BANDAGE.
C.C.
Excuse me ... bit too much champagne.
C.C. CROSSES TO THE RESTROOM.
NILES
Hello, Miss Fine. Sir. Have a nice
evening?
FRAN/MAXWELL
Uh-huh.
MAXWELL
Good God, man! What happened to
your hand?
NILES
Uhhh ... Miss Babcock slammed it in
the car door. We just got back from
the hospital.
MAXWELL
(TO FRAN) You were saying, Miss
Know-It-All?
C.C. REENTERS.
C.C.
Well, I'm exhausted. Niles, drive
me home.
MAXWELL
(REPROACHFUL) C.C.! The man's
injured!
C.C.
So? He can drive with one hand.
SHE EXITS.
NILES
It's all right, sir. I'm
ambidextrous. I can manage.
HE STRUGGLES TO OPEN THE DOOR WITH THE "WRONG" HAND.
FRAN OPENS IT FOR HIM.
NILES EXITS.
FRAN
All right, so I was wrong. You were
right. It's a world gone mad!
MAXWELL
You see, Miss Fine ... age and
wisdom often triumph over youthful
inexperience. Or, in other words ...
I told you so! Niles and C.C.
enjoying themselves together. How
preposterous!
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE C.C.'S APARTMENT - LATER
NILES AND C.C. ARE IN A PASSIONATE EMBRACE. THEIR COATS
ARE STREWN ON THE FLOOR.
C.C.
(FLUSTERED) Homing head?
NILES
No, I think I'll drive around for
a while and give "Nanny and the
Producer" something to talk about.
HE PICKS UP THEIR COATS AND PUTS HIS ON.
C.C.
(SLYLY) You know ... they're going
to talk anyway.
NILES
But, my hand ...
C.C.
You're not going to need your hand.
At least not tonight.
SHE GRABS HIS LAPEL AND PULLS HIM INTO THE APARTMENT.
THE END
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