|
COLD OPENING
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - DAY
GRACE AND BRIGHTON PLAY CHESS ON THE SOFA. MAGGIE AND HER BOYFRIEND LUKE DESCEND THE STAIRS. FRAN ENTERS IN A DAZE.
| MAGGIE
(TOYING WITH HER NECKLACE) Oh Fran, look what Luke gave me. |
FRAN TAKES OFF HER COAT AND "HANGS" IT IN THIN AIR.
FRAN CROSSES THE ROOM PAST GRACIE AND BRIGHTON.
| BRIGHTON
Ah Fran, good, you're home. Listen... |
FRAN EXITS TOWARD THE OFFICE.
| BRIGHTON (CONT'D)
Hey, Fran...? |
RESET TO:
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
CC RECLINES IN THE DESK CHAIR, A GLASS OF BRANDY IN ONE HAND AND A CIGAR IN THE OTHER, HER FEET ON THE DESK. NILES ENTERS THROUGH THE TERRACE DOORS.
CC
(OFF HIS STARE) What? Jealous?
NILES
Why - yes...
CC
(DRAWS AT CIGAR) Well, better get used to it. |
FRAN ENTERS. CC QUICKLY SITS UP STRAIGHT. FRAN LOOKS AT CC, THEN AT NILES AND EXITS. CC REPLACES HER FEET ON THE DESK.
RESET TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRAN ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY.
| BRIGHTON
Fran, this is important... |
FRAN CROSSES THE ROOM, OBLIVIOUS.
| MAGGIE
Fran, what happened? |
FRAN EXITS TOWARD THE DINING ROOM.
| GRACIE
Now why do I have the impression something's going on? |
RESET TO:
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
MAXWELL READS THE PAPER AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. FRAN ENTERS AND STOPS DEAD.
MAXWELL
Ah honey, there you are. (OFF HER STARE) Something wrong?
FRAN
Well...
MAXWELL
Fran, is something the matter?
FRAN
Well, yes. Maybe. Depends. Oh, the first sentence is always the hardest!
MAXWELL
(SMILING) Then just skip the first sentence. (OFF HER SILENCE) Hmmm?
FRAN
Well, there's only one sentence...
MAXWELL
Then skip the first word.
FRAN
Pregnant.
MAXWELL
What? (THEN) What's the sentence's subject?
FRAN
I am. (BEAT) And you're the sentence's cause. |
BRIGHTON, MAGGIE AND GRACIE OPEN THE DOOR, UNSEEN BY FRAN.
MAXWELL
(SHOOING) No children, not now...
FRAN
(SHOCKED) Wha'd ya mean, no children now? It doesn't fit in your schedule? |
KIDS EXIT.
MAXWELL
My schedule?
FRAN
Well, you needn't worry. I don't plan on having any kids right now either (BEAT). It'll take at least another seven months. How's your agenda then? |
MAXWELL STARES AT HER.
FRAN
(BEGGING) Max, talk to me...
MAXWELL
What can I say? I am... shocked. Amazed. Completely taken aback... (THEN, PROUDLY) I still have it! |
MAXWELL OPENS HIS ARMS, AND FRAN HUDDLES CLOSE TO HIM, RELIEVED.
FADE OUT.
END OF COLD OPENING
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
INT. DOCTOR'S OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY
THE DOCTOR IS AT HER DESK, READING. MAXWELL STRIDES IN, HOLDING FRAN BY THE HAND.
| MAXWELL
(PROUDLY) Ah, doctor. Look, I expect the best possible treatment for my wife. I want her to get all the attention she deserves. |
THE DOCTOR DOESN'T LOOK UP AND CONTINUES READING.
MAXWELL (CONT'D)
And frankly, so would I.
DOCTOR
And you are...
MAXWELL
The father. |
THE DOCTOR GIVES HIM A "YEAH, OF COURSE" LOOK
MAXWELL (CONT'D)
Maxwell Sheffield.
DOCTOR
(OVER-ATTENTIVE) Ah, oh, of course. Take a seat, take a seat. |
FRAN AND MAXWELL SIT DOWN.
| DOCTOR (CONT'D)
Coffee, gin, cigar? (BEAT) Wait a minute, these things could harm the child... |
FRAN AND MAXWELL EYE ONE ANOTHER. THE DOCTOR GRABS A PILE OF BROCHURES.
DOCTOR (CONT'D)
So I take it you two are pregnant? (OFF FIRST BROCHURE) Would you like to give birth lying down, standing, kneeling, jumping... (POINTING) This is our latest hit. We call it the Bungy Birth.
FRAN
(SHOCKED) Well, I'm sure that takes your mind off things.
MAXWELL
Wouldn't you have something... indoors?
DOCTOR
Then I advice our newest spa arrangement: underwater birth delivery in a comfortable jacuzzi. We guarantee you'll be as wrinkled as the baby when you get out. Plus it comes with a free sample of body lotion.
FRAN
Ooh, I like that.
DOCTOR
(SURPRISED) You do? Then I better make you a reservation. Let's see. When are you due?
FRAN
I dunno.
DOCTOR
Well, just give me the date of conception and I'll calculate it.
| FRAN Er, you see, um, could be any day, really. |
MAXWELL
Yeah, well, ah, how accurate would ya want it? |
DOCTOR
Newlyweds, hah? Okay, no problem. The echo will tell.
FRAN
Don't bother. Our room is sound proof. (BEAT) I hope.
DOCTOR
So, er... Mrs. Sheffield, you are aware of the dangers of getting pregnant at an older age?
FRAN
Er, no. But then, I'm young, I needn't worry.(NERVOUSLY) Do I?
MAXWELL
What dangers?
DOCTOR
Well, there's a heightened risk for Down syndrome. Then, the chance for anaemia, pregnancy poisoning, iron and calcium deficiency... Basically, we advice all women in their mid-thirties to get tested.
FRAN
Like I said, I needn't worry.
(ANXIOUS TO LEAVE) Well, thanks for all the advice, doctor. See ya later.
DOCTOR
In that case, Sir, you may want to pamper her a bit. |
MAXWELL JUMPS UP, HELPS FRAN GETTING UP FROM HER CHAIR AND HELPS HER INTO HER COAT.
| FRAN
Ooh, I could get used to that. |
FRAN TAKES ONE STEP AND MOANS.
| FRAN (CONT'D)
Honey, could you get the car ? It's such a long, tiring walk to the parking lot. |
MAXWELL GIVES HER A WORRIED LOOK AND EXITS.
| FRAN (CONT'D)
(WHISPERING) Get me these tests! All of 'em! |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT AFTERNOON
MAXWELL CARRIES FRAN THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR.
FRAN
Yep, I could definitely get used to this.
MAXWELL
Better enjoy it. (GRUNTING) I won't be doing this for much longer. |
MAXWELL CARRIES FRAN TO THE SOFA AND SINKS DOWN NEXT TO HER.
FRAN
(TUGGING AT HER SKIN-TIGHT DRESS) Yeah, no more dressing like this. I'll lose my figure completely.
MAXWELL
I'd think this dress would stretch-- stress your figure alright. The most womanly figure of all.
FRAN
Go tell that to John Goodman's belly... (THEN) Max, I'm scared!
MAXWELL
Honey, I'll be with you all the time - promise!
FRAN
Yeah, for you it's easy...
MAXWELL
Oh Fran... You'll be fine! Women have been delivering babies since the dawn of mankind! |
DISSOLVE TO:
EXT. PREHISTORIC CAVE - DREAM SCENE
FRAN SITS IN FRONT OF A CAMP FIRE INSIDE A CAVE, DRESSED IN A JAGGED LEOPARD SKIN. SHE IS HUGE IN HER PREGNANCY. NILES, DRESSED IN A BEAR SKIN, DUSTS THE CAVE WALLS.
GRACIE AND MAGGIE PAINT PREHISTORIC ANIMALS ON THE CAVE WALL, WHILE BRIGHTON FINISHES A HUGE SIGN "BRIGHTON WAS HERE!"
| NILES
(TURNING HIS HEAD) Hey, no grafitti indoors! |
FRAN
(WAILING) Oh Niles, I have such a craving for pickled mammoth!
NILES
Well, Mr. Sheffield has not yet returned from the hunt. But I'll place your order in the mean time. |
NILES WALKS TO THE BACK OF THE CAVE. THERE, A SIGN READS 'SHAMAN'. CC APPEARS BETWEEN FUMES. HER STARE PENETRATES NILES AND HIS EXPRESSION SLOWLY CHANGES TO A SEDUCING SMILE. HE GRABS HER HAND AND KISSES IT.
| NILES
(SHRUGGING OFF THE SPELL) Mammoth. Six servings. And make it fast. |
NILES TURNS AROUND AND SHUDDERS
| NILES (CONT'D)
Ooh, that prehistoric witch sure has the evil eye... |
CUT TO:
MAXWELL DRAGS IN AN ENORMOUS CHUNK OF MEAT.
MAXWELL
(OFF FRAN'S WORRIED LOOK) Hey honey, (BULGING HIS BICEPS) I'll be here to take care of you!
FRAN
Yeah well, for you it's easy...
MAXWELL
Oh Fran, don't worry! Women have been delivering babies for, well, at least a couple of decades now! |
SYLVIA ENTERS, A HUGE THIGH BONE IN HER HAIR.
| SYLVIA
(SNIFFING THE AIR) Hmmm... Do I smell fresh mammoth? |
FRAN SCREAMS IN PAIN.
MAXWELL
My God! It's started! (TO NILES) Time the contractions!
NILES
(DEAD PAN) How? |
FADE INTO:
EXT. CAVE ENTRANCE - CONTINUOUS
THE KIDS AND NILES PACE IN FRONT OF THE CAVE. CC MUMBLES PRAYERS AND PLAYS WITH SOME BONES.
SFX : BABY CRIES
MAXWELL COMES OUT OF THE CAVE.
YETTA APPEARS OUT OF THE CAVE.
SYLVIA STICKS HER HEAD OUT.
SYLVIA
(MUNCHING ON A CHUNK OF MEAT) ...and an appetite!
CC
Well, so much for evolution theory... |
CC THROWS A BONE IN THE AIR.
SFX : SLOW MOTION OF BONE HURTLING THROUGH THE AIR
SFX : MUSIC FROM THE MOVIE "2001"
DISSOLVE TO:
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRAN
We really oughta tell the kids. And Ma. Oy, now her stories I could do without. She goes into such... detail.
MAXWELL
Then let's not tell anyone yet. It will be our little secret.
FRAN
Little? I'd call it huge. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
INT. DINING ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
THE FAMILY HAS BREAKFAST. NILES SERVES FRAN.
| FRAN
Oh, Niles, is that all I get? I could eat for two here! |
NILES GIVES HER AN EXTRA HELPING.
FRAN (CONT'D)
Ya sure this stuff holds enough minerals?
NILES
I always fry in mineral oil.
FRAN
And what about the iron rate? |
NILES STICKS HIS FORK AND SPOON IN HER MOUNTAIN OF OMELETTE.
FRAN
Niles... This is silver!
NILES
Oh, I'm sure we can afford it. |
FRAN TAKES HER SEAT.
FRAN
(OFF MAGGIE'S STARE) Wha's wrong?
MAGGIE
(OFF FRAN'S PLATE) It's just... Well, I really think you shouldn't eat that much.
FRAN
(LOOKING DOWN, HORRIFIED) Does it show already?
MAXWELL
(INTERRUPTING, TO FRAN) So, honey, what are the two of you planning for today?
FRAN
Shhhh! You mean: what am I planning today.
GRACE
But Fran, we were going to the mall together, remember?
MAGGIE
Oh, can't I join you? I saw the cutest miniskirt there.
FRAN
Oh Mags, that's very sweet. But we don't really know yet if it's gonna be miniskirts or mini-pants. |
EVERYONE STARES AT HER.
BRIGHTON
(TO FRAN) Oh no. Please tell me this is just a fashion discussion.
FRAN
Er, and I'm goin' for wide and loose next summer?
MAXWELL
Alright, alright. You all have the right to know. Fran is, is... well uh, going through a phase.
FRAN
That's right! Just some prenatal jitters, nothin' to worry about. |
EVERYONE IS SILENT FOR A SECOND, THEN THEY ALL TALK.
MAGGIE
Oh, Fran, that's wonderful! You have to tell me all! You know, Luke and I are (OFF MAXWELL'S LOOK) anxious to hear about it.
BRIGHTON
Wow, Dad - listen, it'd better be a boy. Two men in this house really ain't enough.
NILES
Why thank you. Is that what I get for doing your cleaning, washing, cooking,... (DEFEATED, TO HIMSELF) Oh Niles, face it.
FRAN
(TO GRACE) Well honey, wha'd ya think?
GRACE
(WHINING) What do you need a baby for? You have me! I like being the youngest. I like being pampered.
BRIGHTON
Don't worry, you'll always be the baby. |
SYLVIA ENTERS.
SYLVIA
Oh, you're still eating I see. Good.
NILES
(HANDING HER A PLATE) Congratulations, Sylvia.
SYLVIA
Thank you Niles! (BEAT) Whatfor?
FRAN
For having your one thousandth breakfast here, Ma.
MAXWELL
I suppose we can as well tell. Your daughter and I are expecting.
SYLVIA
Ah-hah. (OFF THEIR STARE) Well, tell me then. Who's comin' over?
FRAN
A baby, Ma.
SYLVIA
Ooh, I love Leo DiCaprio! He's such a babe!
FRAN
Ma, look at me. I - am - preg - nant.
SYLVIA
(YELLS, THEN GRABS FRAN) My daughter! Oh, thank you God! I finally did it!
MAXWELL
Hey, what about my input?
SYLVIA
(HUGGING MAXWELL) My son! Oh, you wonderful man! This calls for celebration! |
SYLVIA TAKES FRAN'S PLATE AND STARTS EATING FROM IT.
FRAN
Ma, would you mind?
SYLVIA
Wha? It's not like you'll be able to hold it down. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY
NILES MOPS THE FLOOR.
SFX : DOORBELL
NILES OPENS THE DOOR AND CC ENTERS. SHE HANDS NILES HER COAT, WHICH HAS AN ENORMOUS DISCOLORED SPOT ON IT.
CC
Niles, get this cleaned.
NILES
Oh certainly. |
NILES THROWS THE COAT ON THE FLOOR AND MOPS IT.
CC
(STARING, THEN SHAKING HER HEAD) Oh, forget it. That kid on the plane ruined it anyway. Why they allow these little monsters to roam around freely, I have no idea. Thank God I'm safe here.
NILES
Not for much longer.
CC
(LAUGHING) Oh Niles. Face it, you're no game compared to a real kid.
NILES
Wait and see, baby.
CC
Look, I don't have time for this. I need to go over the songs for Maxwell's latest production.
NILES
Then how about... (SINGING) Rock-a-bye Baby, on the tree top--
CC
Not a chance. Now where's Maxwell?
NILES
Knitting baby socks. For his latest production. |
CC STARES AT HIM.
NILES (CONT'D)
And he's pretty good at it too. Well, of course he had three other kids to rehearse with.
CC
You mean he and Nanny Fine...
NILES
Jackpot.
CC
But... How did that happen?
NILES
You mean you don't know? Oh, of course not. You see, when a man feels attracted to a woman, they may share--
CC
(INTERRUPTING) Cut it out, Niles. |
FRAN ENTERS THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, CARRYING A DRUGSTORE BAG.
NILES
(TO FRAN) Back from the drugstore?
CC
Fran, honey, I just heard. I'm so happy!
FRAN
Er, why? (OFF HER BAG) I'm pregnant, not beyond recovery.
CC
I know! Isn't it wonderful? I couldn't be happier!
FRAN
(HANDING CC A PACKAGE OF PILLS FROM HER BAG) Here, take this. You need it. |
FRAN EXITS.
CC
(OFF NILES' STARE) What?
NILES
(OFF PILLS) I hope that's Lithium.
CC
Oh Niles... Don't you see? That little golddigger finally manages to rekindle Maxwell's passion, and then, wham, she gets pregnant! (LAUGHING EVILY) Her hair will fall limp and greasy, she'll swell up like a balloon, and no way she'll be in the mood for... Poor Maxwell will be so frustrated by the transformation of his flashy little vamp, he'll just jump at anything available.
NILES
And are you...?
CC
Free... (BLOWS NILES A KISS) as a bird.
NILES
(MUTTERING) Must be a vulture then. |
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
INT. OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY
MAXWELL IS AT HIS DESK. MAGGIE AND LUKE ENTER.
MAGGIE
Er, daddy, there's something I'd like to discuss...
MAXWELL
Sure, darling. What is it?
MAGGIE
Well, now that you and Fran... You know, with the baby and such, you'll need some extra space. See, Luke has this really nice, big apartment and maybe I could--
MAXWELL
Move my baby there? Well, that's very generous, but I think we'll decline the offer. I'd like to have my children nearby, to keep an eye on them.
MAGGIE
Er, Dad, I was talking about me.
MAXWELL
So was I.
MAGGIE
Oh, why are you so over-protective? Look at me, I'm old enough to be a mother myself!
MAXWELL
Which is exactly why there's no chance of you moving in with, with... I don't even know his name!
LUKE
Luke, Sir.
MAXWELL
No, YOU look, pal! (STANDING UP IN ANGER) Before you know it, she gets pregnant and then what, hmm? You can sure forget about having some time for yourselves then, oh no. It'll be all about changing diapers, sleepless nights, having food spat in your face. You're much too old to have a child. For God's sake, you could be the kid's grandfather! I won't - I... (REALIZING WHAT HE JUST SAID) Hum, yes, well...
LUKE
Sir, I assure you, nothing of the sort is gonna happen. Maggie and I are very conscious, responsible people...
MAXWELL
Oh, you mean unlike me?
LUKE
Er, no, I just wanted to say...
MAXWELL
That if you really care about my daughter, a little patience won't affect your relationship at all.
MAGGIE
You are so old-fashioned! I'm not a kid anymore. If you wanna cling to old times, fine. Father that new baby of yours as much as you like, but let me out of it.
MAXWELL
Alright, that's it. You are out of here. (TO MAGGIE) Ah, not you. You stay put. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
INT. KITCHEN - THE FOLLOWING MORNING
NILES IS AT THE FRIDGE. FRAN ENTERS, WEARING A ROBE.
FRAN
(FLATLY) Oh Niles...
NILES
What's on your mind?
FRAN
My stomach.
NILES
You're not feeling well?
FRAN
I don't know. I'm gettin' worried. Maybe I'm too old for this game.
NILES
Well, you can't really retreat. Too late for that now. (OFF HER TROUBLED LOOK) I thought you always wanted to have a baby?
FRAN
Well yeah, but maybe I just waited too long.
NILES
Too long? You're only married for five months, one week, two days and (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) almost twenty-one hours.
FRAN
Timing, Niles? Ya don't keep scores too, do ya? (OFF HIS LOOK) Well, I can tell you that Max skipped last night's training completely. I guess my physical condition scares him.
NILES
Nonsense. If anything, this will only get you closer. He just needs to get used to the idea. Plus it could strengthen your ties to his family as well, now that you bring in an extra heir.
FRAN
Ya think? (TOUCHING HER HAIR) Well, I always thought they lacked volume. There, another departement I can soon throw my weight in.
NILES
Heir, as in descendant! Even Mrs. Sheffield may warm towards you. The old Mrs. Sheffield, that is.
FRAN
Like there's any young one. Come on, Niles, look at me! Tell me what you see. Honest.
NILES
You... without the robe. |
VAL KNOCKS ON THE KITCHEN DOOR. FRAN OPENS UP AND VAL ENTERS.
VAL
Shouldn't you get dressed? I thought we were gonna hit Loehmann's Small Prices Festival.
FRAN
Nah, I'm not a the mood. Now if it were a baggy dresses garage sale...
VAL
Come on Fran, it's gonna be exciting! Remember that gorgeous Valentino dress? Sixty percent off!
FRAN
If I still want that dress to fit in a coupla months, I'll need sixty percent more of it.
VAL
Oh yeah? And since when do you wear your clothes twice?
FRAN
Since I can afford to keep 'em.
VAL
(OFF FRAN'S SIGH) You're worried about the baby, aren't ya.
FRAN
Noo! (BEAT) I'm terrified. I don't know if I'm up to all these changes!
VAL
Then why did you get pregnant? Even I know about protection. Say, did you check if it was a full moon?
FRAN
(THROWING VAL A LOOK) Moon, sun, rain... Who could tell?
VAL
So you didn't...?
FRAN
Yeah, well, I guess we were just too engaged...
VAL
But Fran, the two of you are no longer engaged, you're married now!
FRAN
Val, we were too engaged... in being married, okay?! |
FRAN AND VAL EXIT TO THE DINING ROOM. MAXWELL ENTERS BY THE BACK STAIRS. MAGGIE ENTERS THROUGH THE BACK DOOR. NILES RUMMAGES IN THE BACK.
MAGGIE
(SOBBING) Oh dad, Luke dumped me. He found Debbie Lewis all too willing to share his apartment. Well, rent. Okay, bed. The slut.
MAXWELL
Oh sweetheart, you did the right thing. Giving in to untamed passion is not the way to tie someone to you.
NILES
(TO HIMSELF) No, rather the other way 'round.
MAXWELL
(HUGGING MAGGIE) It takes time to build a solid relationship. You shouldn't just jump into it.
MAGGIE
(STILL SOBBING) Oh, you were right daddy. All men think about is sex, sex and sex.
MAXWELL
I know honey. Where's Fran?
NILES
I believe she and Miss Torriello are having some girls' talk.
MAGGIE
(EXCITED) They are? Oh, wait till they hear my story! Men! |
MAGGIE EXITS.
MAXWELL
Uh, Niles, can I ask you something? Would you say that I am, well, too old to become a father again?
NILES
Oh, why are you two worried about your age? I am the oldest one around, and yet I am the one to go out for chocolate and pickles, to change the diapers and warm the milk in the middle of the night. Do you hear me complaining?
MAXWELL
Well, yes. (THEN) Did you just say that Fran worries about her age?
NILES
Hm-mm. But you didn't hear that from me.
MAXWELL
Then why didn't she tell me?
NILES
She still didn't tell you her age then? Interesting. |
NILES STARTS UNLOADING VEGETABLES FROM A BAG.
MAXWELL
Well, I know she's over thirty. But then, I am over forty.
NILES
But you're not carrying a baby. (HANDING MAXWELL A PUMPKIN) Here, take this.
MAXWELL
Yes, but I'll be at her side. Ow, this is heavy.
NILES
Twelve pounds.
MAXWELL
Really, I don't know what she's afraid of. How long do you want me to hold this?
NILES
Nine months. But don't worry, I'll be around. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY
FRAN POURS HERSELF A CUP OF COFFEE. MAXWELL ENTERS.
MAXWELL
Ah, Fran. How's my baby?
FRAN
(WITHOUT ENTHUSIASM) Which one?
MAXWELL
My big baby. (BEAT) Oh come on, Fran... You! You know it's you I care about.(OFF HER CUP) That's not coffee you're drinking, right?
FRAN
There, ya see? I can't do this, I can't do that, all because I'm, I'm... (ASIDE) thirtymmumble. (IN DISTRESS) Oh, let's face it, I'm in no shape to be a mother!
MAXWELL
(LOOKING HER UP AND DOWN) No, you're not. (BEAT) You're in shape to hit the catwalk. |
MAXWELL KISSES HER. SYLVIA KNOCKS ON THE DOOR. FRAN OPENS UP AND SYLVIA AND YETTA ENTER, WHEELING IN A MID-SIXTIES MODEL STROLLER.
FRAN
Ma, wha's with that... tank?
SYLVIA
Sweetheart, how else were Mrs. Weintraub and Mrs. Feltmann to know that my millionaire daughter's having a baby?
FRAN
So now the whole neighborhood thinks your millionaire daughter has to do with hand-down strollers. At least let me buy ya a BMW "Baby on Board" bumper sticker. I don't want you walkin' around with that old cast-off.
YETTA
Hey, I need the exercise.
SYLVIA
(OFF FRAN'S TROUBLED FACE) Meanwhile, what's with you? Ya look like something's eatin' ya.
FRAN
Well, yeah, but then you came in. (SIGHING) Oh, I don't know Ma, this baby may ask too much of me at my age.
MAXWELL
Now honey, where did you get this idea that you're old? If anyone is old around here, it's... (OFF SYLVIA AND YETTA'S LOOK) Niles.
FRAN
Well, didn't you hear what the doctor said?
MAXWELL
Well yes, but--
FRAN
Good! Coz actually, I have no idea what she all said. But it sure gave me the creeps!
MAXWELL
Fran, listen to me. Firstly, doctors always scare people. It's their job. Secondly, we just have to take good care of you. That's my job.
SYLVIA
Frannie, if your age worries ya, you should be happy to be pregnant now. It's not like ya gonna get any younger, and there's some body parts you can't have renewed.
YETTA
Exactly. When they're gone, they're gone. Sammy would love to have a baby, but I told him I don't believe in bottle-feeding.
FRAN
(CONSIDERING) You know somethin'? You guys may be right... (TO MAXWELL) This may be our only chance!
MAXWELL
Well, not if I have any say in it. |
MAXWELL WALKS BEYOND FRAN AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER. FRAN HUGS SYLVIA.
FRAN
Thanks Ma!
SYLVIA
Hey, what else is being a mother about?
FRAN
I tell ya in a coupla months! |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT
FRAN AND MAXWELL LIE ON THE BED.
MAXWELL
So basically, we're having a little ménage à trois here.
FRAN
Yeah...
MAXWELL
Well, it's a new experience. |
HE REACHES OUT AS IF TO STROKE HER HAIR, THEN STOPS IN MID-AIR.
| FRAN
Maxwell Sheffield, being pregnant doesn't make me forbidden terrain. It just adds an extra hill to the landscape. |
FRAN CUDDLES CLOSE TO HIM.
MAXWELL
What is it that makes pregnant women so radiant?
FRAN
Er... Helena Rubinstein's new foundation?
MAXWELL
(CHUCKLES, THEN SERIOUS) Fran, I must admit I'm only just coming to terms with this, but... (SMILING) You can count on me!
FRAN
Okay. |
FRAN REACHES OVER TO THE BEDSIDE TABLE AND PICKS UP A LIPSTICK. SHE GIVES MAXWELL A PLAYFUL LOOK AND STARTS DRAWING NUMBERS ON HIS CHEST.
FRAN
(COUNTING SLOWLY) Oh... One... Two...
MAXWELL
(CHUCKLING, THEN PLACING HIS HAND ON FRAN'S STOMACH) Three... |
THEY LOOK AT EACH OTHER AND START KISSING.
GRACIE
(OFF SCREEN) Daddyyyy! Fraaaaan!
FRAN
(ROLLING HER EYES) Four... |
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
TAG SCENE
INT. OFFICE - THE NEXT DAY
MAXWELL KNITS AT HIS DESK. FRAN DARTS IN, A SHOE BOX IN HER HANDS.
FRAN
Ooh, this is a whole new shopping experience! Wait till ya see this!
MAXWELL
I have something for you too. |
MAXWELL RUMMAGES THROUGH HIS DRAWERS, WHILE FRAN DIGS A PAIR OF STILETTO HEELS, SIZE 8, OUT OF THE BOX. THEN SHE PRODUCES A SIZE 1 VERSION OF SAID SHOES. MAXWELL REAPPEARS WITH A PAIR OF BABYSOCKS. THEY LOOK AT ONE ANOTHER EXPECTANTLY.
| FRAN Ya like? | MAXWELL
What do you think? |
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END OF SHOW
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