Disclaimer: All characters belong to Fran Drescher et. al, owners of The Nanny. I'm just a twisted individual out to have a little fun with the characters of my fave show.
by
Aimee
(aimeed@earthlink.net)
INTRO SCENE
INT. C.C.'S BEDROOM. SHE SLEEPS PEACEFULLY, TUCKED UNDER THE COVERS. SHE IS DRESSED IN A LONG WHITE GOWN WITH THIN STRAPS. THE WHOLE EFFECT IS UNCHARACTERISTICALLY INNOCENT AND VIRGINAL. SUDDENLY SHE BEGINS TO TOSS AND TURN FITFULLY AS MIST FILLS THE ROOM AND A SHADOW FALLS OVER THE BED. C.C. SITS UP, FRIGHTENED.
C.C.: (SCREAMS)
CUT TO: C.C. IS LYING UNCONSCIOUS ON TOP OF THE COVERS. A TINY AMOUNT OF BLOOD TRICKLES FROM TWO MINISCULE WOUNDS IN HER THROAT.
SCENE 1: INT. KITCHEN
NILES IS SCRUBBING THE KITCHEN COUNTERS. FRAN ENTERS CARRYING A PLASTIC PUMPKIN FULL OF CANDY. SHE SETS IT DOWN ON THE COUNTER AND TAKES A CANDY BAR FROM IT. SHE BEGINS TO EAT.
Fran: Hiya Niles, Happy Halloween. Got any big exciting plans for nibbling necks or howling at the moon this year?
Niles: I'm afraid not, Miss Fine. I'm on guard duty.
Fran: Guard duty?
Niles: (TAKES THE CANDY AWAY AND PUTS IT IN A CUPBOARD) Yes. Got to keep the sweets safe from you and your mother, and the rest of the free world safe from Miss Babcock. It's that time of the year for her, you know.
Fran: Growing body hair, sprouting fangs, drinking the blood of innocents, how is this unusual?
Niles: With everyone dressed in costume except her, it's hard to tell the difference between her and the trick or treaters.
Fran: You know, Niles, much as I love to hear it, you gotta get some new jokes for Miss Babcock. I think she's getting bored. Last time you called her a vampire, she didn't even bother to glare.
Niles: I don't really think she's a vampire. Female vampires in the movies are so sexy.
Fran: Well she sure ain't the victim.
Niles: Puh-leeze. In what way?
Fran: They're always virgins.
Niles: (LAUGHS) Miss Fine, I believe you've embraced the powers of darkness yourself on occasion.
(THE DOORBELL RINGS)
Fran: And there's Countess Babcockula now. (SEES HE HAS HIS HANDS FULL OF SOAP) I'll get it. (EXITS)
SCENE 2: INT LIVING ROOM
FRAN ENTERS, CROSSES TO FRONT DOOR, OPENS IT. C.C. STANDS THERE WEARING SUNGLASSES, TOYING WITH A SILK SCARF TIED AROUND HER NECK. SHE GIVES THE IMPRESSION OF BEING VERY PALE AND TIRED.
Fran: Hi, Miss Babcock.
C.C.: Hello, Nanny Fine. (SHE IS STILL TOYING WITH THE SCARF)
Fran: Nice scarf. Hermes? (SHE REACHES OUT TO TOUCH IT)
NILES ENTERS
C.C.: (RECOILING) Don't touch it! It was very expensive.
Niles: All your clothes are expensive, and you let any old paying customer touch them.
Fran: You look like you had quite the night. So what was his name?
C.C.: (LOOKS FRIGHTENED, THEN COVERS HER NECK WITH HER HAND) Nanny Fine, kindly don't judge others by your low standards. Just because I am wearing a scarf does not mean I am covering a hickey.
Fran: (TEARS OFF THE SCARF) Looks like two hickeys to me. Oh my God, they're scabbing over. He musta been quite the animal.
C.C.: (GRABS SCARF, REPLACES IT) Leave me alone! (C.C. RUNS TOWARD THE OFFICE)
Niles: Caca did a no-no on the street corner. Again.
Fran: Miss Babcock, aren't you gonna take off your sunglasses? Aw, she's gone, and I didn't get to ask her where she got that scarf.
SCENE 3: INT KITCHEN
SYLVIA ENTERS. SHE QUICKLY AND THOROUGHLY SEARCHES THE CUPBOARDS UNTIL SHE FINDS THE CANDY PUMPKIN. JUST AS SHE PICKS IT UP AND SETS IT ON THE COUNTER, A SHADOW FALLS ACROSS HER. SHE LOOKS UP.
Sylvia: (SCREAMS)
SCENE 4: INT LIVING ROOM
MAX IS WALKING DOWN THE STAIRCASE, FRAN FOLLOWING AFTER HIM. NILES IS DUSTING AND EAVESDROPPING.
Max: I am not, I repeat NOT, going dressed as Tarzan this year.
Fran: Not even if me Jane?
Max: Well -- nope.
Fran: But Mr. Sheffield, you said you wanted something classy, and he was Lord Greystoke.
Max: I do not think that being Lord of the Apes counts.
Niles: It does in Miss Babcock's family, but she's already got that title nailed down.
Max: Speaking of which, old man, she's working late tonight, so would you take her a tray?
Niles: Certainly, sir. Alpo or Mighty Dog?
Max: Niles! Be nice to her. She looks very poorly.
Niles: What else is new?
Max: The fact that she nearly fainted today out on the terrace. Suddenly she said the sunlight was blinding her and she felt dizzy. I don't think she eats properly.
Niles: Cannibals don't.
Max: Why don't you make some of those fantastic garlic puffs of yours to go with the lasagna?
Niles: Not a problem, sir. I already have some ready. They actually grow on trees.
(MAX GLARES, THEN HE AND FRAN GO INTO THE KITCHEN.)
Fran: (SCREAMS) MA! OH, NO!
(MAX AND FRAN RETURN, SUPPORTING SYLVIA BETWEEN THEM. SHE HAS TWO MARKS ON HER NECK.)
Sylvia: I'm fine. Nothing an egg cream and a plate of lasagna wouldn't cure. That would be your cue, Niles.
Niles: (SIGHS) Fine, I'll get the egg cream out of that handy-dandy little egg cream faucet in the butler's pantry. (EXITS)
Fran: Max, look at those marks on Ma's neck! They're just like the hickeys on Miss Babcock's throat. She was tryin' to cover 'em up with a scarf. She didn't even use concealer!
Max: That's actually rather interesting.
Fran: Interesting? It's appalling. With all her money, she won't even splurge on a decent cover-up cream.
Max: Not that! The marks, they look just like the vampire bites in the movies.
(NILES ENTERS WITH A LARGE TRAY. HE SETS A PLATE OF LASAGNA WITH GARLIC PUFFS AND AN EGG CREAM DOWN FOR SYLVIA AND DEPARTS FOR THE OFFICE WITH THE REST.
SUDDENLY A SCREAM IS HEARD.)
Max: That was C.C.!
Niles: (OFF CAMERA) Sir! Sir! Come quickly!
Fran: Oh my God, something's wrong with Miss Babcock and Niles didn't do it!
(FRAN AND MAX RUN INTO THE OFFICE. THEY FIND NILES KNEELING BESIDE AN UNCONSCIOUS C.C.)
Max: What the bloody hell happened?
Niles: I don't know, sir! I offered her a garlic puff and she fainted!
Fran: You don't suppose she could be pregnant, do you? My cousin Schloma fainted at the sight of a haggis once and it turned out she was pregnant by the Scottish guy who drove the ice cream truck. PS: It's true what they don't wear beneath their kilt.
Max (KNEELING BY C.C.'S BODY) Thank you, Miss Fine. I'm sure we were all just dying to know that. Come on, C.C. Wake up. Come on, wakie-wakie, Niles has some lovely lasagna for you. (C.C. BEGINS TO STIR) That's a good girl.
C.C.: I want a drink.
Niles: Thank God, she's feeling better.
(MAX AND NILES HELP HER TO HER FEET. SHE SWAYS A LITTLE, THEN LOOKS AT NILES WITH BURNING EYES. SHE BENDS TOWARD HIM.)
C.C.: (IN A SULTRY VOICE) Oh, Niles. Dear, sweet always-ready-with-the-drinks Niles.
Niles: That was lame. You can do better than that.
C.C.: No, this will do just fine. (SHE BENDS TOWARD HIS THROAT, OPENING HER MOUTH. SUDDENLY, SHE RECOILS.)
C.C.: (GASPS) Niles, do you have any garlic around?
(NILES PULLS A BOX OF GARLIC TABLETS FROM HIS POCKET)
Niles: Good for the immune system.
C.C.: Aw, damn. You're no fun. I'm going home
Max: C.C., wait. Perhaps you should spend the night. You just fainted, and you've been very pale and tired all day. Niles, please escort Miss Babcock to the guestroom.
C.C.: (FEARFULLY) No! Not with --
Niles: (GLARES AT HER. SHE SUBSIDES AND FOLLOWS HIM QUIETLY OUT)
Fran: Wow, she's really not feeling well. She was so obedient.
SCENE 5: INT HALL OUTSIDE OFFICE
Niles: Naughty Chihuahua. Just what did you think you were going to tell them?
C.C.: (WHIMPERS)
(THEY EXIT)
SCENE 6: INT OFFICE
(MAX IS ON THE TELEPHONE. FRAN IS PACING)
Max: (INTO TELEPHONE) This is Maxwell Sheffield, and there is a vampire running around Manhattan. He attacked my business partner and my nanny's mother. I beg your pardon, I think I know what a hickey looks like.
Fran: Really? How?
Max: He hung up on me! (SETS DOWN RECIEVER)
Fran: (SARCASTICALLY) I wonder why. Could it be because you told him there's an undead monster running around sucking people's blood? (RUNS INTO HIS ARMS) Mr. Sheffield, what are we gonna do?
Max: Don't worry Miss Fine, we'll think of something.
Fran: (SMILES) I already have, but first we gotta deal with this vampire.
Max: We've got to find out who it is so that when sunrise comes, we can impale it. But how?
Fran: Well, Ma already went home, so Daddy's looking after her. But Miss Babcock's still here. Maybe she remembers something.
Max: But if she's in this creature's thrall, will she confess it?
Fran: Oh, wait, you're right. She's got a man visiting her in bed. She ain't gonna do nothin' to help us. Hey, wait! In movies, they hypnotize the heroine to make her tell. Gimme your gold card.
Max: Why?
Fran: We need something to hypnotize her with. A diamond should do.
Max: Nice try, Miss Fine, but Miss Babcock has lots of diamonds.
Fran: They're in the vampire's thrall, too.
Max: (IRRITATED) Just get going.
SCENE 7: INT UPSTAIRS HALLWAY
(NILES EXITS THE GUESTROOM, LOOKING FURTIVELY TO EITHER SIDE, AND CREEPS
AWAY. FRAN AND MAX ENTER AND KNOCK AT THE DOOR)
SCENE 8: INT GUESTROOM
(MAX IS STANDING BY THE BED WATCHING. FRAN SITS ON THE BED DANGLING A DIAMOND PENDANT BEFORE C.C. C.C. STARES AHEAD BLANKLY, HER EYES WIDE AND UNFOCUSSED.)
Fran: (HYPNOTICALLY) Watch the diamond, C.C. Watch the diamond. See it sparkle. Look deep into the center of the diamond. It was a present from Mr. Sheffield for my birthday.
Max: Oh, give me that! Just bloody ask her the question.
C.C.: (IN A BLANK, EXPRESSIONLESS TONE) Yes, Maxwell, I will marry you.
Fran: Listen, honey. I want you to go back to the first time you got bit. Don't be afraid, it's safe. We won't let him hurt you. Now where are you?
C.C.: In the locker room. But Troy, what if your teammates come in and catch us? I'd be so embarrassed.
Max: Oh, God. (SITS DOWN ON THE BED, SHOVING FRAN OUT OF THE WAY) C.C., it's Maxwell. I want you to go back to the first time you were bitten by the vampire. Get it? Vampire, not bloody quarterback.
C.C.: (COYLY) And I thought you'd be the tight end. (GIGGLES)
Max: This isn't working. C.C., listen. It's Maxwell Sheffield. You're in my guestroom. You're thirty-seven years old.
C.C.: Like hell I am, you lying bastard.
Max: You were attacked by a vampire. We want to know who the vampire is. Can you tell us?
C.C.: It's so misty. Why is it so misty? What are you doing here, sleep-dusting? Why are you in my room? My God, your eyes are so blue. That accent. Why does the room smell of Tilex? Oh! Oh, no! No! Don't bite me. The teeth! Oh, my, your teeth are so big. It hurts. I feel so faint, so drowsy. (CLOSES HER EYES AND SCREAMS)
Max: C.C., wake up! Wake up, C.C.!
C.C.: (CONTINUES SCREAMING)
Max: Oh, God, she won't stop screaming and wake up!
Fran: Miss Babcock, Mr. Sheffield's in your bedroom and you're both naked.
C.C.: (EYES SNAP OPEN) Maxwell! (LOOKS DOWN AT HER NIGHTGOWN THEN GLARES AT FRAN)
Max: It'll be all right, C.C. We know who did this to you. You'll be safe now.
C.C.: I'll never be safe from him. He'll always be here to make my life hell.
Fran: Yeah, honey, we thought so too. (LOOKS DEPRESSED) Well, guess I'll go sharpen that stake.
Max: C.C., will you be all right alone?
C.C.: Yes, Maxwell. I'll just try to get some sleep.
Max: (SMILES DOWN AT HER AS SHE LAYS DOWN AND PULLS UP THE COVERS) Good night, C.C. By sunrise, your nightmare will be over.
C.C.: (LOOKING AT FRAN) Try impaling her on her own spike heel.
(MAX LAUGHS AND CLOSES THE DOOR BEHIND HIMSELF AND FRAN)
SCENE 9: INT HALLWAY OUTSIDE GUESTROOM
Max: It's Niles. The vampire is Niles.
Fran: We gotta go stake him.
Max: Yeah.
Fran: Now, before he hurts someone else.
Max: Of course.
Fran: But we could have some ice cream first.
Max: Race you.
(MAX AND FRAN EXIT. NILES PEEKS OUT FROM AROUND THE CORNER, LAUGHING DIABOLICALLY. HE ENTERS THE GUESTROOM.)
NILES: They're downstairs. Are you ready, Babcock?
C.C.: Always. (NIILES APPROACHES THE BED, ONE HAND EXTENDED TO HER. SHE PLACES HER HAND IN HIS AND GIVES HIM AN EVIL SMILE.)
SCENE 10:
(MAX AND FRAN ARE SITTING ON THE SOFA IN THE DARK EATING ICE CREAM OUT OF THE SAME CONTAINER, LOOKING DEJECTED. A HAMMER AND A BEDPOST WHITTLED TO A FINE POINT SIT BESIDE MAX.
C.C. AND NILES APPEAR SIMULTANEOUSLY, HE FROM THE KITCHEN AND SHE AT THE TOP OF THE STAIRS. HE LOOKS UP AT HER AND SHE LOOKS DOWN AT HIM. EACH SMILES, REVEALING SHARP WHITE FANGS. NILES STALKS FORWARD AS C.C. GLIDES GRACEFULLY DOWN THE STAIRS IN A WHITE PEIGNOIR.
AS THEY APPROACH THEIR UNSUSPECTING VICTIMS, C.C. CROSSES IN FRONT OF NILES TO APPROACH MAX, HANDS LIFTED AND TEETH BARED. SILENTLY, NILES SEIZES HER ARM. SHE TRIES TO PULL AWAY, BUT HE HOLDS HER AND POINTS AT FRAN)
C.C.: (WHISPERING) I'm not biting a girl.
Niles: Why not? No man on the planet wants you.
C.C.: Please. Your last girlfriend put a stake through your heart.
Niles: I know, and it wasn't very nice of you, but that was 200 years ago, so we'll forget about it.
C.C.: I wanna get Maxwell.
Niles: And I wanna get Sophia Loren, but instead, I'm here with you.
(THEY APPROACH MAX AND FRAN. C.C. REACHES OUT ONE PALE, GHOSTLY HAND TO FRAN JUST AS NILES SNEAKS UP BEHIND MAX.)
C.C.: Hello, hello. Trick or treat, Nanny Fine.
(FRAN TURNS TO FIND C.C. BARING FANGS AT HER JUST AS MAX TURNS TO SEE NILES BEHIND HIM DOING THE SAME.)
Fran/Maxwell: (SCREAM) Oh, my god, no!
Fran: (WHIPPING A STAR OF DAVID OUT FROM AROUND HER NECK) Back, foul thing of the night!
Niles: Oh, come on, Miss Fine, if seeing her own reflection didn't kill her, do you think that will?
C.C.: Bite me, Niles.
Niles: Again? Insatiable hussy.
Max: C.C., I'm so sorry this happened. This is all my fault. If only I'd been able to protect you. I don't suppose there's any way you'd like to work evenings?
Niles: It would open up worlds of new opportunities for Heidi Fleiss.
C.C.: The real one, or the blow-up version you have hidden in your closet?
Max: Niles, C.C., listen. Take me, just don't hurt Fran or the children.
Niles: Interesting offer. On the other hand . . . (LEERS LASCIVIOUSLY AT FRAN)
C.C.: Hey, if I don't get him, you don't get her.
(THEY TURN TO MAX)
C.C.: (SMILING SENSUOUSLY) You'll do anything we want?
Max: Anything.
Niles: One false step and they're all juice boxes.
Fran: (TERRIFIED) Oh, Mr. Sheffield!
C.C.: (TO FRAN) You shut up.
Niles: (TO C.C.) Oooo. Dominant.
C.C.: You like?
Niles: I do.
Max: Well, then, that's all settled. Why don't you two just run along and play, and --
C.C.: I don’t think so. We're not done with you, Maxwell.
Max: (GULPS) You're not?
Niles: No, but before we kill you, we'll need you to sign this little release form. (PULLS A PIECE OF PAPER FROM HIS JACKET POCKET)
Max: What? But this is absurd.
Niles: Sic 'er, Miss Babcock. (C.C. GRABS FRAN BY THE HAIR)
Max: No! I'll sign, I'll sign. (HE SIGNS)
C.C.: And this. (SHE PRODUCES A PAPER OUT OF THE TOP OF HER NIGHTGOWN. NILES WATCHES AVIDLY. MAX SIGNS.)
Niles: (TO C.C.) I can't believe he fell for it.
C.C.: Now for the fun part. Please, you first.
Niles: Thank you, my beauty. (LEANS CLOSE TO MAX, BENDING HIS FANGS TOWARD MAX'S THROAT. AT THE VERY LAST MINUTE, HE SIMPLY LEANS OVER TO SHOUT IN MAX'S EAR.) Thanks for the raise, sucker!
Max: What! Niles!
C.C.: And for making me a full partner with half ownership in Sheffield Babcock Productions. (THE "VAMPIRES" BRANDISH THEIR "RELEASE FORMS" IN HIS FACE.)
Fran: You're not vampires?
C.C.: Not in the literal sense.
Max: Only in the financial sense.
C.C.: Oh, and Nanny Fine, please thank your mother for her excellent acting and tell her to enjoy her trip to Boca.
Max: Bloody lunatics. You're both fired.
C.C.: Until the next time you need him to iron your tie.
Niles: Or you need her to mount a new investor -- I mean, production.
(MAX AND FRAN TURN AND EXIT. C.C. REACHES FOR THE ICE CREAM, TAKES A BITE, THEN FEEDS NILES A BITE.)
C.C.: Rocky Road. Wow, we must have really had them going. We should do this every year.
Niles: If he ever really does fire us, let's go to work for Andrew Lloyd Webber. You'd make a terrific deformed lunatic musician.
C.C.: And I could see you as the fat bitchy diva he kills.
Niles: Not in that version, he doesn't.
C.C.: Just wait. (THEY EACH TAKE ANOTHER BITE OF ICE CREAM.)
Niles: Babcock, you were terrific tonight. So forceful. So domineering.
C.C.: And you -- (SHE PURRS) Oh, Niles, your fangs are so big!
Niles: And they stay in forever. (ONE FALLS OUT)
C.C.: So what are you going to do with all that money?
Niles: Hire a hit man to kill you.
C.C.: Think again, Count Clean. Why don't you take another look at that contract I drew up for you?
Niles: (READING) "Active beginning November 1st 2099?" (GIVES HER A BALEFUL LOOK.) And I thought tonight meant something to you.
C.C.: (LAUGHS LOW AND DIABOLICALLY) Don't feel bad. You were incredible.
Niles: (SUDDENLY SCOWLING) Don't laugh just yet, Ms. Full Partner.
C.C.: What?
Niles: Look at Mr. Sheffield's signature.
C.C.: (READING) "Sod off, you twit?" Well, how rude!
NILES: (HURT) He knew all along. I must be losing my touch.
C.C.: (COMFORTING HIM) He cheated.
Niles: Oh, well. We'll get them back on April Fool's Day. Come on, Babcock. Let's call it a night. You need your beauty sleep. Desperately.
(C.C. ASCENDS THE STEPS AHEAD OF NILES.)
C.C.: It was that damn nanny that told. It's all her fault.
(AS SHE IS TALKING, NILES LIFTS HIS ARMS AND FOLLOWS HER UP THE STAIRS, BENDING HIS MOUTH TO HER NECK. THEY DISAPPEAR AROUND THE CORNER.)
Niles: (OFFSTAGE) Ah, Miss Babcock?
C.C.: (OFFSTAGE) What? Umm, Niles, your room is that way, mine is this way. What are you doing? Oh, Niles!
Niles: (MOANS LOUDLY. WOLVES ARE HOWLING IN THE BACKGROUND.)
The End
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