by
Aimee
(aimeed@earthlink.net)
"Three minutes," said Niles.
"Two," said CC.
"Thirty seconds," said Grace.
They were really a corrupting influence on the children, CC thought. First she'd taught Grace to make a martini, now Niles had let the littlest Sheffield in on a running bet they had going: how long Sylvia's latest diet would last.
They shook hands all around. "What are the stakes?" asked Grace,
"Craziest thing you can think of for the others to do," said Niles. "Last time Miss Babcock won, I had to buy myself a present from Victoria's Secret."
"And last time Niles won," said CC, "I had to try to convince your father to invite Andrew Lloyd Webber over for dinner. What are the current stakes? I choose that Niles has to go to a gay bar and can't leave until he's bought someone a drink and gotten a phone number, and Grace has to tell Fran she never wants to get married."
"Oooh, playing dirty are we?" said Niles. "I vote that Miss Babcock has to ask the Brooklyn Zoo if they'd like her mother for their new baboon exhibit."
CC laughed. "I'd actually enjoy that," she said.
"And Miss Grace has to go a whole week without a therapy appointment."
"Hey, I can play rough," said Grace. "If I win, you two have to get married in an Elvis chapel in Las Vegas, stay married for at least six months, and no fair having separate bedrooms."
The two adults gazed at each other in shock.
"You promised," said Grace. "And if I win and you don't do it, I'll tell Daddy, Mom, and Sylvia about the bets and the martini lessons."
"She's good," Niles admitted grudgingly.
"She's your child, not mine," CC answered.
Niles hung up the phone, aware that Sylvia was now on her way. He threw all the fattening foods in the trash, took it outside, and went back in to hide in the butler's pantry as prearranged.
CC came in, padlocked the refrigerator, and hung up a sign saying, "Out of order." She then slipped into the pantry with Niles.
"Good show, old thing," he complimented.
"Thanks, old man, same to you."
They waited and waited. The longer Grace remained away, the better their chances.
"Niles, there's no way we'll have to get married, is there?"
"Of course not, she's just a child. But if she does, by some coincidence, win, you know we'll have to get married or we'll be fired."
"Yeah, you can move in with me. But I'm not having sex with you."
"Why? You know you want to."
CC answered honestly before she realized he was joking. "Well, yes, but it's a crazy idea that you and I -- hey!"
Niles grinned. "Are you sure it's so crazy?"
"Hell, yes. Oh, no!" CC was staring at the kitchen door. Grace skipped in holding a box of doughnuts, which she opened and left on the kitchen table before joining them in the pantry.
"Demon brat! That's not fair! She's your child, not mine," Niles said to CC.
Grace smiled sweetly. "I saw you guys coming miles away."
"Get them!" gasped CC. "I'll hold her!" She grabbed for Grace, but before Niles could even open the door, Sylvia and Fran burst in.
"I'm tellin' ya, bubalah, you give it to him three times a day the first year you're married, there ain't gonna be any left five years down the road! Oh, are those doughnuts?"
"Ten seconds," whispered Niles. "Just twenty more to go."
"Ma, I thought you were on a diet."
"Oh, yes!" CC whispered at the delay.
"Yeah, you're right about the diet!" Sylvia admitted
Grace groaned in defeat.
"I'll only have just the one."
"Fire!" screamed CC.
"Oh my God, ma, there's a fire! That was Miss Babcock! Where is she?"
"Probably in Niles' bedroom. I think those two have been heating it up for months now!"
CC bit back a howl of outrage.
"That's ridiculous, Ma! Come on -- let's go call the fire department!" Fran grabbed the cell phone and was out the back door.
Sylvia grabbed the doughnuts and followed, stuffing one into her mouth as she left.
CC looked desperately at Niles. "Ninety-two seconds," he said.
"I win!"
"No, Miss Babcock, that's a twenty-six, not a ninety-two. I win!" Grace cheered as she bounced out of the pantry. Niles and CC followed more slowly, heads hanging. "Be sure and bring me a wedding picture!" she said.
"We got snowed by a rugrat," CC said in disbelief.
"Sir, I just wanted to let you know I'll be out all night, but I'll be back in time for breakfast."
"Niles you old dog, what've you got planned?" Maxwell took off his eyeglasses and grinned at his butler.
"Panting, rolling over and begging, the usual," said CC from the sofa.
"I thought that was your job, Caca." Niles bent over and added privately just for her, "Honey."
CC grabbed a cushion and flung it at him as he departed.
"Niles, no," she begged "Please, not this place, not like this." She clung to his arm, a pleading look in her eyes.
"We can't welch on a bet, Caca."
"But it's so tacky. I didn't even have time to buy a proper gown."
Niles warmed as he looked at her. "It isn't my dream either, this shotgun wedding of ours, but I can't object to your gown. I don't think you've ever looked so lovely." Hey, it was the woman's wedding day. Why not tell hr the truth for once?
Her gown was white and sparkly. She was practically poured into it, and it had a daring scooped neckline and thin straps. He couldn't believe this woman had actually agreed to sleep with him tonight and for six months.
"I wish we could at least find a proper church," she said softly.
"I know, so do I. I always thought that when I got married, I'd have proposed on bended knee, and all my family would be there. It would be in St George's in Hanover Square, Mr. Sheffield would be my best man, and there'd be a midnight ball afterwards where my new bride and I could dance a waltz. Our guests could dance all night after we'd retired."
"What was she like?" CC asked him. "The woman in the fantasies."
"I don't know, I never saw her. Yours, of course, was Mr. Sheffield," he said bitterly.
"Yes, but to tell you the truth, in my fantasies I spent more time polishing my diamond than his sword," she joked. "Even in my dreams, I couldn't convince myself he was my one true love, my destiny."
Niles slid her arm through his. "Come on, I'll buy you a glass of Chivas while we wait," he said. "I think we have about half an hour. You can tell me about your fantasy wedding."
CC waited until she had her drink before she began. "I'm standing in the vestry before the wedding. My dress has a huge, fluffy skirt and tiny puffed sleeves. It's off the shoulder and has pearls down the front and a huge bow in back. There are little pearl-beaded slippers, too, and an antique lace veil. There are all these women, my attendants, and they're all my friends and so happy for me. I think how after the wedding, I'd like to fix every one of them up, because I want everybody to be as happy as I am.
"The music starts to play. My attendants precede me, strewing multi- colored rose petals. Finally, I'm left alone to start my walk down the aisle."
"Your father doesn't give you away?"
"No, just me. My family is so distant, that would be a farce. Anyway, I step up to the side of my groom, and he looks at me with such love. He's my perfect match. I guess the whole emotional dynamic is, yes we could go on without each other, but we're each better people with the other than without, as though in this one case, one and one made exponentially more than just two."
"That's a wonderful way of phrasing it. Have you ever felt that?"
CC hesitated. What he wanted to know was, did she feel that for Maxwell, and she was glad to be able to answer him truthfully. "Yes, once. It was the day we rescued the Sheffields from their kidnappers. Neither you nor I could have done it alone, but together we were an unbeatable team." She didn't know what made her say that, but it was her wedding day. She needed to care about her husband. She couldn't go on pretending he was just the help, not if she was going to marry him.
Niles was stunned. Even with her admission, it took all his courage to say, "Miss Babcock -- CC -- shall we give this marriage a fair try? See what happens if we try to make it forever instead of divorcing after our six months are up?"
CC put her open hand on the table, palm up. "I'm willing to try," she said.
Niles laid his hand in hers. "I feel like this is the real wedding, not the tripe with the guy in the rhinestone jumpsuit."
CC smiled at him. Then, she stood, leaned across the table, and kissed him. As they separated, a gentleman dressed like Diana Ross came to the door of the lounge. "Niles? CC? Are you ready?"
CC slid her hand into his, lacing their fingers together. She took a deep breath and they went meet their destiny together.
Niles and CC stumbled and wove up the front walk trying to hold each other up. Niles fumbled with the door key for at least five minutes, but between his advanced state of intoxication and CC's roaming hands, he barely got them inside before they tumbled to the ground.
"God, wench!" he complained. "What do you want me to do, take you right there on the front steps?"
"Okay," she replied, laughing. They swayed to their feet.
"Coffee," she mumbled. "Gotta sober up. Work to do." They were in that great state of intoxication when everything was funny and the hangover hadn't started yet.
"You can't go to work like that," he told her, indicating her evening gown.
"Okay, how about like this?" she inquired slyly, letting one thin strap dangle from her shoulder. Niles leaned over to kiss her shoulder.
"Where the bloody hell have you two been?" Maxwell stood there scowling at them. His family looked on from the dining room door. CC shot him an evil look.
Niles looked at his employer innocently. "Hi, honey, I'm home," he said in a singsong voice.
CC collapsed on the ground again with laughter. Then, her eyes widened. "Uh-oh," she said, and ran for the bathroom, making it just in time.
"Did that three times an hour on the plane," Niles complained. "And then had the audacity to demand the window seat."
"What plane?"
"The one from Vegas," Niles replied as if it were obvious.
"Ah-hah. And what plane from Vegas would that be?"
"The one we came home on," Niles explained, beginning to get frustrated.
"Why were you in Vegas?"
Niles looked alarmed. He and CC hadn't settled on a cover story yet.
At that moment, she came back looking much better. "I'm starting to feel better," she said. "Does that mean the hangover starts soon?"
Niles started for the kitchen. "I'll go make the coffee."
"I think that's a yes," she said.
He paused. "CC, tell Mr. Sheffield why we went to Vegas. I forget."
"Never mind," said Maxwell, leaving for the dining room. "I don't want to know."
CC looked at Niles as if he were stupid. "Dumbass! We went to Vegas to get married," she explained. "Don't tell me you forgot already?"
"I know that, Babcock, but that's not how we were gonna tell them, dammit! You were supposed to tell him a lie," he said, swatting her behind.
"He left. I don't think he heard. Can you go get the suitcases before you make coffee?"
"Bloody slave driver."
She eyed him skeptically. "Can you even walk?"
"I most certainly can," he replied, tripping on the stair and falling on his bum.
CC started giggling. She helped him to his feet and then ran for the bathroom again.
Through some miracle, he knew not how, Niles managed to get the suitcases out of the car and into the house. CC took her makeup bag and jewelry case, leaving him with the bigger bags. He followed her into the kitchen and toward the back stairs.
"Bugger," he said. "I'm starting to be able to see straight. I better get the Tylenol."
CC paused a moment. "Niles, how long have we been married?"
"About eight hours."
"How come we haven't done it yet?"
"You wanted to join the Mile-High Club?"
CC chose not to reveal that she was a member from way back. "Oh," she said. They didn't see Fran and Max enter behind them as she said, "So, wanna do it when we get upstairs?"
"Do what?" Max demanded.
"Not you!" CC said irritably. "Niles."
"Do what?" Maxwell repeated dangerously, the vein in his head starting to throb.
CC looked at Niles. "He's a little old not to know these things. You want to explain it? Because I'm not going there."
Niles cracked up. "Come on, brunette, let's go upstairs and have sex before we have to go to work."
"What?" shrieked Fran and Max at the same time. Max thundered, "You will do no such thing. No one has any sex in this house but me and my wife."
CC gave him her special death-ray glare. "Puh-leeze. As if."
Niles planted himself in front of Maxwell and announced firmly, "Miss Babcock is my wife, and if I want to have sex with her on the kitchen table, I will!"
CC hit him on the arm. "That's not how we were gonna tell 'em!"
"Stop hitting me, slut. Save it for the bedroom."
"Oh, God, now we're married, I have to have sex with you, don't I?"
"Five minutes ago, you were molesting me on the front steps!"
"I was lots drunker then."
"I do not want to know," moaned Maxwell.
Fran followed them upstairs. "I don't believe this! Can I see the ring?"
CC lifted a certain finger over her shoulder just as Max rounded the corner in pursuit of them.
"Wrong finger," said Niles.
"No it wasn't." But CC turned in mid-step to display the gorgeous star-shaped diamond engagement ring and the corresponding gold wedding band etched with tiny star patterns.
Niles was already in his room. "CC, hurry up!"
CC rolled her eyes at Fran and Max. "Already demanding his husbandly rights," she said disdainfully, then turned and shot into the bedroom.
Niles woke a couple of hours later and looked at his sleeping bride. She still wore her beaded evening gown, but her hair had come loose from its pins and was tumbling in her face. He had a pounding headache, and so would she when she arose. He tenderly covered her with the comforter and drew back her hair to kiss her petal-soft cheek.
When he came back from showering and dressing, she was sitting up and moaning. "Tylenol and water next to you on the table," he said. "My alcoholic wife."
She gazed morosely at him through a waterfall of golden hair. "We didn't do it, did we?"
She sounded so forlorn. Niles burst out laughing. "Do you ever think about anything else?"
"Yeah. I have these really vivid dreams about your peanut butter cheesecake."
"Well, if you're a very good girl and get ready for work, I'll whip up a chocolate peanut butter cheesecake and I'll even hide it from Sylvia and Mrs. Sheffield. Then, tonight, we'll go to your apartment and celebrate the honeymoon night when we're completely sober and able to take full advantage of it."
CC smiled, even though it felt like her face was stretching farther than it was ever intended to. "Okay."
"You know, it'll be my first time with a man," he added thoughtfully. She hurled a pillow at him.
An hour later, after showering and borrowing some of Fran's less revealing clothing, a radiant CC stood before the assembled family and linked her arm with Niles'. "It's true," she said. "Niles and I are married."
Niles had found a picture in his suitcase that he'd forgotten about. "They gave us this picture," he said.
They made a beautiful, if unconventional couple. CC's long white beaded gown fit her curves snugly. Niles, looking handsome as ever in a tuxedo, appeared to be enjoying a nearly eye-level view of those curves due to the height of the heels she was wearing.
It was positively surreal. Niles and CC just stood there staring dumbly at each other while the family examined the ring and the picture. They looked so in love. It was strange to see them smiling when it wasn't due to a practical joke.
CC sipped her orange juice, remembering their plans for that evening and resisting the urge to spike the juice with some champagne. "Well, Maxwell, time to get to work?"
"But it's your wedding day," protested Fran. "Shouldn't you be celebrating, Miss -- uh, Mrs. -- uh -- "
"Ms. Babcock," CC supplied.
"You're not taking his name?"
"He still won't tell me what it is, or even whether Niles is his first or last name. Anyway, I just won't get the same effect out of 'You'll rue the day you messed with CC Niles!'"
"I like it," said Gracie. She'd just gotten off the phone with her therapist, who was also CC's therapist, who was now sharing this delightful gossip with her office partner, Dr. Joyce Brothers.
"CC Niles," murmured CC. "Mrs. Niles. Wait -- no. Won't work. Still Ms. Babcock." Fully recovered from her momentary lapse into romanticism, CC left for the office.
Maxwell massaged his temples. This was driving him crazy. Niles was calling on the intercom every five minutes to coo at CC. "I hate you, Blondie," he crooned for the thousandth time that morning.
"I hate you more, but at least you're admitting I'm a blonde," she said philosophically, making a kissy-noise into the intercom.
Five minutes later she'd call him back. "I'm bored. Can we do it now?"
"No, damn it, the cheesecake isn't ready. Oh, hell, I haven't got a chocolate crust."
Niles dashed in to claim the keys to the Mustang. Five minutes later, when he finally stopped kissing his breathless wife and left to buy a pie crust, Maxwell breathed a sigh of relief, thinking he'd get some peace. Instead, CC paced irritably and complained about how her husband was neglecting her until he returned.
At lunchtime, rather than calling on the intercom to say it was ready, Niles arrived with a basket of flower petals ready to strew them in her path.
"Niles, they're black," she said
"As the heart of my beloved."
In the dining room CC, in a bizarre moment of egalitarianism, refused to dine at the table without her husband. "If you have to eat out of a dish on the floor, I will too," she told him.
"Woof woof," he replied. "Didn't take long to get you down on all fours, did it?"
Maxwell cleared his throat. "Perhaps under the circumstances, a few changes should be made. Niles, please dine with the family."
"What about his job title?" asked CC. "I don't want to be married to a friggin' butler."
Maxwell thought a moment. "You could just declare yourself the chef," he said.
"Toilet Technician," suggested CC. "Domestic Engineer."
"Wife-beater," growled Niles.
"Kinky," said CC approvingly.
Grace looked at her father and mother. "Is there any major difference between them drunk and them sober?"
"Her breath," said Niles.
"His ability to function as a man," said CC.
"Nope," Max told his youngest.
"Personal Assistant," said Fran.
"What conversation is she having?" asked CC.
"The one where you don't want to be married to a friggin' butler," her husband informed her.
"Being married to the chef and personal assistant would be okay, though."
"I'm his bloody muse, and you know it."
"Oh, my God, I was afraid of this. I'm married to a woman."
"Enough!" roared Maxwell. "CC, please draw up the employment contracts with his new job title, if you can find a crayon."
CC strode into the kitchen looking slightly shell-shocked. "I just got yelled at three times in one hour," she said. "And I didn't once win."
Niles felt her forehead. "No fever. Alcohol poisoning, maybe?"
CC made a face. "Maxwell didn't appreciate my giving him the contract written up in Grace's purple crayon. So he chewed me out and made me redo it. Here it is."
Niles perused it eagerly. "Mr. Sheffield is giving me a raise?"
"Yeah, just don't tell him. Then, I called my parents to let them know about my marriage."
"Ouch," he said. "Are you grounded?"
"I'm really, really grounded, and I think I've been given a time out for the next fifty years."
"At least they left the spanking to me. So they were mad you eloped with the butler?"
CC lowered her eyes so she didn't have to look him in the face when she told him this. "Not surprisingly, they didn't give a damn about not being at my wedding. They were a little upset about the butler thing."
Niles was silent and had turned away from her when she looked up. "I'm sorry, Niles," she said. "There's nothing I can do."
"You didn't have to tell them, Babcock. You could have just said personal assistant. Or chef. Both of those are more acceptable."
"Hey -- what's the use in being rich if I can't do what I please, when I please? Anyway, they're not that mad. When I told them how much I, you know, hated you, they offered to pay for the honeymoon."
Niles perked up. "Where?"
CC's eyes danced with mischief. "Mummy's paying for one to Aruba, which Daddy doesn't know about, and Daddy's paying for a tour of Europe that Mummy doesn't know about."
Niles burst out laughing. "You bad girl," he accused.
"And I'm sooooooo good at it," she replied.
CC and Niles eyed each other self-consciously. They'd looked at TV, they'd listened to music, she'd shown him around her apartment, and they'd discussed buying a townhouse large enough for them each to have a study. She'd suggested that he could quit work if he so desired, and he'd thoughtfully but firmly declined. "You have a trust of twenty mil and you still got a job. I married twenty mil, so I should still work, too," he rationalized.
In short, there was only one thing left to do, and neither one of them knew quite how to start.
After all, it was so strange to be at peace. With all the years of fragile self-control behind them, CC had always assumed that if they had sex, it would be frantic, hurried, the aftermath to one of those arguments that always got them so hot and bothered with each other. In a way, the delirium was easier. The thought of its being slow, tender, and meaningful scared her to death.
The phone rang. CC picked it up. "Hi, Mummy," she said. "Oh, that's okay, I know it was a shock. That's really sweet of you. You're not angry? Okay, bye Mummy, kiss kiss."
CC hung up. "That was Mummy," she said, her voice relieved. "She's been thinking it over and admits she behaved terribly this morning. She says welcome to the family, such as it is, and she'll drop by Aruba to meet you."
Niles was relieved for CC's sake. He cupped her face in his hands and leaned in to kiss her.
The phone rang again. CC rolled her eyes.
She had almost the same conversation with her father. Then her brother Noel called to congratulate her. Then Fran called to ask how things were going. Then D.D., her sister, called to congratulate her, having just heard the news from Noel.
An hour later, Niles and CC were both going insane. "If it rings one more time," she said menacingly.
It did. Niles grabbed it.
"Go the hell away, sir, I don't know where your cufflinks are, but if I ever do find them, I'm giving them to the homeless. Now go away so I can have sex with my wife, dammit!" He slammed down the phone and jerked the cord free of the wall. "Did I really just agree to keep working for that man?"
CC giggled at the odd combination of British restraint and sexual tension. Then, her eyes widened as he scooped her up off the couch and marched into the bedroom. He threw her down on the bed and stood over her. "Is there a phone in here?" he demanded.
CC reached over to the bedside table and flicked it off. Niles was on her in an instant, crushing her mouth, tunneling his hands through her golden hair, tugging at the sash on her black satin robe.
She pulled off his tie and unzipped his pants. Hands invading each other, sliding between fabric and skin, before long they were both naked. Niles found himself unable to tear his eyes from her.
"You like?" she asked, though his answer was obvious.
"God, Babcock, you could poke somebody's eyes out with those things!" he said admiringly. It was his way of telling her she was absolutely beautiful and she understood.
And returned the compliment as well. "If I ever need a baseball bat, I know where to find one. Wow, Niles, who'd have guessed?" He grinned with pride.
CC reached up to pull him down on top of her. She took what she had while she still could, for she had a secret fear that it would never last.
At the Sheffield home, Grace held out her hand to Sylvia. "We had a bet. I got them married, so you owe me."
Sylvia slapped a twenty into her palm. "I don't believe I got snowed by a rugrat. Are there any more doughnuts?"
Grace smiled and pulled Sylvia's consolation prize out of her bookbag.
The End
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