The Color Of Roses

by

Sara
(sara@woontin.nl)

"Here you go ma’am, your son." The nurse handed CC the newborn baby boy.

CC took him in his arms. He was gorgeous. He had bright blue eyes, and a full head of hair. She could see things of her and of his father in his face. She caressed his face.

The nurse came back to take the little boy away. He needed some more check-ups, and CC needed to rest. She was exhausted from the delivery.

When CC woke up again she was back in her private hospital room. Her baby boy was sleeping next to her. CC just watched him for a couple of minutes. He was sleeping so peaceful. He had no idea what the troubles had been concerning him.

CC thought back to the morning her life had changed.

After Maxwell and Fran’s wedding reception they had left together. Niles had used the excuse that they were both to drunk to drive, and they could share a cab. But CC knew better. She hadn’t touched a drop of alcohol since she left The Place, though Niles didn’t know that. The real reason was that they had gotten closer all night. They danced, and kissed. They broke apart as soon as they felt light headed from lack of oxygen, and both longed for each other again, but not in public. So they went back to the mansion together, and spent the most wonderful night in CC’s life together.

The night was wonderful, but the morning was a living hell. Niles had sobered up, and realized what he had done. He had let her know in no uncertain terms that he regretted every second of the last 24 hours, and that he never wanted to speak of this again. Then he not so gracefully kicked her out his room, before falling asleep again.

CC had never felt so humiliated and hurt in her life. She thought that this was the turn around point for them, that they would finally set aside old differences and start over again. Together. She thought that he felt the same for her as she did for him. She thought she had seen in his eyes, in his behavior sometimes when he thought she wasn’t looking. And after her stay at The Place, and his visits, she was sure that now it wouldn’t be long anymore.

But now it seemed she had been wrong all along. She had been fooling herself. He really hated her. He just took advantage of her. Had there been another woman in front of his face on that reception he would have slept with her.

The Sheffields had moved to LA soon after. The TV show was starting. After many talks with Maxwell CC had convinced him to leave her in New York to take care of business there. Anything to be away from Niles.

He had been so hurtful towards her ever since that night. His remarks had been scarce, but when he finally did make a comment they were meant to hurt her.

The day before they left she found out she was pregnant. It was Niles’ baby, but she couldn’t tell him. He would refuse it. He would make her get an abortion. He would find someway to ruin this for her.

So she kept it to herself. Nobody knew, not even Maxwell. She hadn’t seen him since she started to show. She had taken time off. She told Maxwell she needed to help her father. She told her family she needed to help Maxwell. She moved to a small village where nobody knew her, and nobody would ever know her. So she was left alone.

And alone she was. She missed the company so badly. She spent her days at home, surfing the net or reading books. She prepared the room for the baby alone. She went to Lamaze class alone. She visited her OBGYN alone. She told everybody who asked she didn’t know who the father was. The looks they gave her were better than the look Niles would give her when he would find out.

Despite everything she was happy. She saw this baby as her only chance to a future. To a way out of her life alone. And if she couldn’t have Niles, she still could have a part of him. His child.

The little one started to fuss. CC figured he must be hungry, so she picked him up. She started feeding him.

"Hey little one. You’ll need a name now won’t you?" CC said while she looked at him. This was her very own miracle. He seemed to brighten up her life in a single second. "What do you think of Niles?" The boy stopped eating and looked at CC with his big blue eyes. "I know, it’s a silly name. But it’s your daddy’s name, the only thing you’ll probably get from him. So, what do you think?" The baby looked again, and started eating again. "I guess you like it. So that’s who you’ll be. Niles Junior."

A few days had passed and CC had gone home with Junior. She loved being a mother, and caring for him. It seemed to give new meaning to her life. It made her almost forget about Niles and what he had done. She took pictures of him every minute she could. She felt like she should remember every second of his life as it passed by.

CC was spending some time behind the computer. She was answering some mails from Maxwell, telling him that she didn’t know when she would return yet. Maxwell continued to ask her to come back to their company.

But she didn’t really feel like it. She wanted to be here forever.

She did miss the family. Even Fran and the children. And she even missed Niles. Despite all he had done she still loved and needed him. She couldn’t help it.

Suddenly she got a feeling. A hunch. A motherly instinct. Something was very wrong with Junior. She ran to the nursery and got the shock of her life. There in the crib laid Junior, blue in the face. She rushed over to him and felt. No breath. No heartbeat.

CC started to shake. She grabbed the phone and dialed 911.

The paramedics were there in 2 minutes. But even they knew after a few seconds it was futile. Junior had died of Sudden Infant Dead Syndrome. There was nothing CC could have done to prevent it.

They took Junior to be prepared for the funeral. CC was left alone.

Alone.

The funeral was a few days later. Nobody was there except for CC.

It was a small grave. The tombstone read:

A big statue of an angel stood on top.

The following morning she packed everything in her car and drove off to the Sheffields. They were only a 5 hour drive away. Maybe they would get her up again. Because out here she felt like everybody had left her.

CC arrived at the hotel around 12. She ordered room service for lunch. After lunch she left for the Sheffields. She cleaned herself up. They would never ever know about Junior. They didn’t need to. And she was sure they didn’t want to.

CC knew that it would be Niles who would open the door. She wasn’t sure how he would react, she just knew that she would try her best to stay calm and not let on what had happened the past months.

She was surprised when a young blond woman opened the door. She looked very professional.

"Yes? Can I help you?" She asked polity, yet inpatient, like CC had interrupted something important.

"This is the Sheffield residence right?"

"Yes. So?" She started to get bored now.

CC got the shock of her life when Niles came to the door, and put his arm around the woman.

"Who is it sweetie?"

"Sweetie?" Who was this woman? And why was Niles calling her sweetie?

"Oh it’s you. What are you doing here?" Niles said annoyed.

Niles and the woman moved away from the door to let CC walk past them.

Inside she was welcomed by Maxwell and Fran. They were happy to see her after a long time. Fran was asking a million things about where she had been, and Maxwell was asking her to please reconsider and come back to the company.

CC rejoined the company, and drowned herself in the work. She would do anything to get over Junior.

She found out that woman was Amanda, and she had been Niles’ girlfriend ever since they moved here. She was also the house maid and lived with Niles in the guest house.

Seeing them together hurt CC more than ever, so she did everything she could to avoid seeing them together.

It was a quiet morning, and CC was left alone. Fran was caring for the twins, and Maxwell had some business deals. CC walked to the kitchen to get herself something to drink when she heard the voices.

"What a fat cow that woman is. And Maxwell called her a business partner?" CC heard Amanda say.

"Yes. Why she is back I don’t know. Maxwell kept throwing her old job at her, but she kept refusing. And it’s not like she cares for this family. She never did." Niles replied.

"Why would she? She is not a family person, I can sense it."

"Of course. She wasn’t meant to care for children. What am I saying? The words caring and children are foreign to her. I doubt she will ever be a mother. No man would want that. And besides, even if she found someone that crazy, she could never last to nine months. The child would probably die of lack of caring from her. I mean, I know how she treated Chester, her dog."

They laughed.

But they didn’t know Niles had voiced CC’s greatest fear. That it was her fault that Junior had died, because she was a bad mother. And to hear it come from Niles, to hear again how much he had hated that one night, and that he would hate it even more if he knew that she had given birth and killed his son.

Tears welled up in her eyes and soon she was crying like she had never before. She was crying out everything she had held inside since Junior had died.

Fran had heard the sobbing and soon came downstairs to check it out. When she found CC in a lump on the floor she soon went to her to comfort her.

CC let her, because she didn’t know what else to do. When she calmed down a little she looked up.

"I’m sorry Fran." CC said softly.

"Don’t be. It looks like you needed it. If you need to talk..."

"I can’t. I’m sorry, I can’t." CC whispered. She heard the kitchen door, and looked up, in the face of Niles. He looked partly angry and partly confused.

CC looked away in fear. She looked like a cornered animal looking for an escape. She did the only thing she felt she could do. She ran, out the door to her car.

She quickly got in and drove away as fast as she could. She needed to get away.

Niles rushed after her, feeling she was keeping something very important from him. The way she had looked at him with such hurt and fear in her eyes made him feel so guilty.

He knew he had hurt her that morning they had waken up together. But he knew it was for the best. They weren’t meant to be together. She would dump him as soon as she realized what she was doing. Soon after that she had left them. Niles had met Amanda and never thought of CC again. Amanda was all he could wish for. Young, beautiful, smart, and most important, she loved him. CC didn’t. But sometimes Niles wondered where she was, if she was ok. What she was doing.

And now she was back. Changed. More introvert. She didn’t pay much attention to him, in fact, she avoided him. No more ‘fights’. Sometimes he missed that. But then Amanda would turn up again, and he would forget all about it.

Why had she broken down like that? Surely not because of what they had said in the kitchen. Niles used to say that to her all the time.

He wondered where she was going. They had been driving for 2 hours now, and still she showed no sign of stopping or slowing down.

Suddenly his cell phone rang. Niles picked up.

"Nilesy? Where are you?"

He heard Amanda saying in a fake sweet voice. "In my car."

"Why?"

"Because… I can’t tell you." Niles knew that would make her angry, but he didn’t care. Amanda didn’t need to know what his past with CC was, what he once felt for her.

"Why not?!?" Amanda yelled.

"Because it’s none of your business."

"You better get home now."

"I can’t, even if I wanted to."

"You better do as I say, or I’ll be gone by the time you do finally get here."

"Whatever Amanda. I have no time for this now."

"Well I never!" She screamed as she put down the phone.

Niles knew she would probably just be testing him. She liked to have him at her beck and call. But now he was finally doing something for himself. He was finally being honest with himself.

CC slowed down and took a turn to the right. Soon she stopped in front of a cemetery. Niles stopped about a hundred meters behind her so she wouldn’t notice him. But he shouldn’t have worried; she was too wrapped up in her thoughts that she didn’t pay attention to anything. She knew where she was going and she didn’t want to see anything else.

When she found Juniors grave she sank down on her knees and cried again. There was so much wrong in her life that she didn’t know how to fix it. She didn’t know if she ever would get through this.

Niles had followed after her silently. He wondered who was buried there. A lover? Her mother? He didn’t know.

The grave itself was beautiful. A tall angel stood behind the stone and looked down on the grave, and now CC. The angel looked like he was there to watch over CC. His wings almost enveloped her, as if he wanted to take her with him to heaven. If CC wasn’t crying so much she would be like an angel too.

Niles quietly walked closer to her and stood by a tree not 3 feet away of CC. He could hear her crying here. He felt bad about it, feeling it was partly his fault though he didn’t know why. And his inner guts told him to go over to her and make it alright for her. But the way she looked at him before she fled made him think twice. She seemed so scared of him. Why? What had he ever done to hurt her?

Suddenly CC looked up. She stood and ran back to her car. Niles had to fight the urge to get up and go after her. But on the other hand he wanted to know who’s grave she came running to. He waited till she had walked out the gate and walked slowly over to the grave. He read the name. He read the name again. Then he sank down on his knees and counted back on his fingers. Could it be?

Counting back nine months from February 4th 1999 got him to May 4th 1998. 9 days before the wedding. 9 days before the night CC and Niles and shared. There was almost no question this little kid was his. CC could have slept with another man, but deep inside Niles knew that was untrue. She had no man at that time, and she wasn’t the one-night-stand type. And that name told him all he needed to know. She had named her, their son after him.

Niles slowly got up and straightened his clothes. He walked to the gates of the cemetery, not sure what to do next. What would he say to CC the next time he saw her? Would he be angry? Feel sorry? Ask her why she had done it?

Niles was so deep in thought that he didn’t notice the angry woman standing outside the gates until she hit him on his shoulder. He looked up confused. Right into CC’s eyes. And she was mad.

"What the hell do you think you are doing? Talking about things you have no clue about and then when you see what it does to me, you have to nerve to follow me, and intrude on a personal moment? Who do you think you are? Mr. right? Spy? Because you have no right to be here."

During this tirade Niles got angry at her as well. "No right? Well, unless I have been right all those years about your real profession that boy in there is mine too. So I guess I do have a right."

"Oh no no mister. Don’t cross the line now. Remember what you said that morning. Forget about the night and never mention it again. So I didn’t. Now don’t come running back and say you have some right. You gave that up."

"This is different."

"And how? What would you have done? Forced me to take an abortion? Take away the child because I am an unfit mother as you so beautifully said this morning?"

"I’m sorry about that, CC" Niles said.

"Sorry? Sorry? Don’t you go around and playing hurt all of a sudden. You meant what you said and you can’t take it back now that you have an idea about what happened. You can’t just undo what you did."

"But CC…" Niles felt his resistance falter. She was right. He had no right. He shouldn’t have done it the following morning.

"No Niles. Just leave me and my pain alone. You left me that morning, and you can’t come crawling back when you know what you caused in some peoples lives. You can’t make this right Niles. Nobody can. So just go on back to little Miss Snotty and the Sheffields and I’ll just go back under my rock or something." CC turned around and walked to her car so he couldn’t see her tears. She felt even worse now, but on the other hand it felt good. She had been so sad and vulnerable for so long now, that it felt good to be angry at Niles. He was the cause of this. He was the cause of everything.

But the problem was that he also was the only person who could make this right. Who could make her happy again. CC was so confused. On the one hand he was the cause of all her misery, all her problems, and she wanted to hate him for all he had done to her. For his insensitivity and his pranks. But on the other hand he would also be the solution. He would be the one to solve everything. Who somehow would make her happy. Who would love her for who she was, even if she had let their son die.

CC sat in her car for a while just thinking and crying. When the tears stopped falling she looked up. Niles was still sitting in his car. His head was bent forward as if he was thinking, or crying.

CC knew that they had to face this sometime. She could not live without him, and he did have a right to know. So she got out of the car and walked over to his car. She knocked on the window.

Niles looked up, surprised to see her standing there. He put down the window.

"Please come with me to my car. I want to show you some things." CC said with a calm voice.

She opened his door. Niles got out quietly.

They went to her car and CC started driving. She was taking him to her old apartment to show him Juniors pictures. And maybe they could talk. Maybe they would fix things.

They arrived at her old apartment after a silent drive. CC was thinking about how to start the conversation. She was going to tell him all now. No more lies or secrets. She would know how he was feeling.

She let him in her apartment and told him to sit down. She sat down in a chair opposite of him.

"Niles. Please listen to me, and let me finish what I have to say. After that you can do whatever you want, I just have to tell you this." CC looked at him, and he nodded.

"Niles… Oh, this is hard… Let me finish ok?.. Niles, I love you."

Niles looked up and started to speak, but CC raised her hand to tell him there was more. Much more.

"I’ve loved you for a long time now. Sarah knew, but she never told anybody. She knew even before me. And I think that if she was still here today she would have brought us together. But she isn’t, and a lot has happened since she died. I went after Maxwell, to make you jealous. To get you to notice me. But you interpreted it all wrong. I wasn’t trying to break the household anymore. And those insults… It was my up bringing. You can’t erase 20 years of learning the servant is nothing. Even if you love that person. And when you treated me bad I just had to react.

When I went to The Place it was your fault. I’m not blaming you, and never feel guilty, but it was your fault. Fran and Maxwell were getting married. They were getting what I had always wanted. But instead of getting it, you were treating me worse than ever. When Maxwell shut me out of the business I lost everything I worked for. I went nuts.

Those visits every night… Niles you were my rock. You were the reason I was fighting to get out. When you visited me I thought there might still be hope for us. I thought you cared.

And when I got back things were a bit better. At the wedding I really thought we were thinking the same. We weren’t that drunk were we? You seemed to notice me, and I was happy to comply with your desires. That night was the best thing that ever happened to me. That was my dream coming true. I thought things would be better now.

But when you kicked me out… I told you I loved you for God’s sakes! I thought you did too. I thought you finally realized. You used me Niles.

I was so hurt. I didn’t want to go on anymore. I wanted to hide in a corner and die. But the disappearance of Maxwell and Fran occupied my mind. And then the moving. Just before we were getting ready for the final plans I found out I was pregnant. I was happy, yet so scared. What would you do when you found out? You never wanted to be remembered of that night again. You didn’t want anybody to know. I was sure you would force me to get an abortion, or put the child up for adoption. I knew I couldn’t do that. That child was my only hope for a future. Being with Maxwell was never what I wanted. I staid because of you. But now I had no reason to stay. I could take the baby and run to a new life. That’s why I went away.

The pregnancy was both wonderful and awful. I never thought it could be so miraculous to have a little human being inside me. I never thought it could make me feel so important. But when people asked me about the father… I told them I didn’t know who it was. That would be better than to tell them he was conceived in a night where I slept with the man I loved, who kicked me out of his life the following morning.

When Junior was born he was gorgeous. He had your eyes, and your nose. I took pictures of every minute of his life. Our life was perfect.

Until…" CC felt the tears coming on, but forced herself to continue on. "Then he died. Niles, I never felt such pain in my life before. I thought I was hurt when you… But this.. This was awful. Everything I hoped for the future was gone. What did I have left to live for? Not you. Not Junior. And most certainly not my job. I felt so guilty and incompetent. I blamed myself, though it was a natural dead. I felt like a bad mother… And when you, this morning… I couldn’t take it anymore Niles. I just couldn’t.

I still feel like I should hide away, let time pass until it’s my time to go. But you were right, you have a right to know. I’ll show you Junior’s pictures so you can see him. You can do all you want, you can tell everybody he’s our son, your son, a boy you knew, whatever. I don’t care anymore." CC sighed and carefully looked at him.

He looked so sad. So regretful. Or was that her hope. No, she could never expect him to just come over to her and tell her everything would be ok.

Yet he was rising from his chair and walking over to her. He got down on one knee and took her hand in his.

"CC, I lo…"

"Don’t Niles. You don’t mean it. You can’t just say it like that. Here. Not after what I just told you. I don’t believe you. Too much has happened."

Niles sighed and stood. Maybe she was right. Now he had heard the story from her point of view it sure felt different. Not that his feelings for her had changed, just his confidence in how right they were for each other was bigger.

"Niles, there’s nothing more that I want to do now than to hold you and hear you say you love me. But I don’t know if I can. I mean, things have happened. And it wouldn’t be fair. I don’t know if I would be living a dream or be living a lie." CC stood and walked away from him to get the picture books. She really had taken a lot of pictures, but now she was glad for it.

She handed them to him and he sat down on the couch.

"If you have questions, I’m in the bedroom cleaning up." She said before leaving him alone.

CC sat on her bed. She had no idea life could be so hard. Here was her dream man in the next room, ready to say he loved her and she just couldn’t accept him. Both her mind and her heart refused to get hurt again.

Niles was going through the pictures, lingering on the ones of CC, and skipping the ones of Junior. Right now Junior was unknown to him. CC had given him the pictures, but he knew that if he couldn’t have CC, he wouldn’t have Junior either.

CC looked beautiful. Sometimes she was smiling, covering her belly with one hand and looking right in the camera. On others she was sitting in a rocking chair looking at her belly deep in thought, and a bit sad. These pictures said more about CC during her pregnancy than she would ever tell him.

Niles felt very bad. He could understand what she was going through, though he knew he couldn’t even begin to think what she was feeling and thinking, about him. He walked silently over to the bedroom. CC was sitting on the bed, holding something close. Niles could hear she was crying softly.

He walked over to her and stood right behind her. Still she hadn’t noticed he was in the room with her. He now could see she was holding some sort of cuddly toy. Then he recognized it. It was the rabbit he had won for her, when she had dared him for a shooting game. He had said it would be the only love she would ever have.

His heart torn at the thought. In retrospect he had been too mean to her. Too cruel. He should have stopped himself. No matter what he thought about her, she had feelings to. Maybe not as close to the surface as some people he knew, but still… This was evidence of yet another thing he had done to hurt her.

He softly put a hand on her shoulder.

She sat up, frightened. She quickly wiped away the tears and hid the rabbit under the pillow. "What… Something with the pictures?" She said softly.

"No… CC, what are we going to do?" He said, defeated almost.

"I.. I don’t know Niles. There’s so much I want to do when I know what you were about to say a minute ago. But I don’t know if I can do it again. I don’t know if I dare to put myself in such a place again."

"I understand."

"I don’t know if I can trust you." She whispered.

"You know I am going to say you can. Look CC, now I know what I have done to you, and how much it hurt you. I am so sorry, but I know that isn’t going to erase the pain. And on the one hand I would do anything to make it so it didn’t happen. None of it. But on the other hand I wouldn’t change a thing."

She looked up, uncomprehending and hurt. "What?" She whispered.

"Because maybe if I didn’t treat you the way I did, and maybe if you didn’t treat me the way you did, Junior would have never been born. We would be living with other people who would make us happy no doubt, but just wouldn’t be right. I know I would always have that feeling some else was out there for me. You." He looked in her eyes.

"Niles… What should we do now?"

"I can just tell you what I want to do. If I had the choice right now I would call Amanda."

CC looked up again, confused.

"And then I would tell her to give me Mr. Sheffield on the line. And I would tell him to fire Amanda right away, for hurting the woman I love. Then I would just kiss you. And try to make it better. I would promise that I will never hurt you again, even though I know there’s no way I can keep that promise. I’m too stupid and too blind. I would probably do it again sometime. But I would promise you I will never do it willingly and knowingly, like I have done so many times in the past. And I promise to kill, or at least hurt any person who ever hurts you again." Niles looked up, to see her reaction.

CC thought about it. Long. Hard. And she figured if she didn’t take a chance now, she would loose him forever. "And what if I tell you you can say and do all those things?" She smiled when she said that.

"Then I would first do something else."

"What?"

"This." Niles leaned closer and kissed her tenderly, showing how much he cared.

After Niles had spent the night on the couch he left early in the morning. He had some things to tie up at the Sheffield’s, and then he would go back to CC to spend the week with her. She needed a lot of love right now. And Niles was willing to do anything to help her.

CC was sitting on her couch waiting for Niles to return. Right now everything was about them, and she didn’t feel like doing anything without him there with her. When her cell phone rang she walked over to it to pick it up.

"Hello CC?"

"Yes Maxwell."

"I have bad news."

"What?" CC asked afraid.

"Niles died in a car accident this morning."

CC felt the floor under feet disappear. She collapsed on the ground. "Wha… What?"

"His car was hit by a truck and exploded. They couldn’t even identify his body, but it was his car and nobody else could be driving it. I’m sorry."

"I…I.. I have to go." CC pressed end. She sat on the floor. She didn’t know what to do now. Why? What was it that she had done that made somebody hate her so much? She just couldn’t catch a break.

She walked over to the bed and got under the covers. She didn’t want to do anything. Nothing would be of any use anymore. Why would she do it? Nobody cared anyway. She didn’t care anymore. She had loved Niles and he refused her. She had loved Junior, and he was taken away from her. She had loved Niles, and he had loved her. And now he was taken away from her too. Her love could kill people.

The door to her bedroom was opened. The man was dark and dirty. He had come a long way for her, and he wasn’t going to back off now. She was sleeping. Finally he thought. She didn’t get enough sleep.

He walked over to the side of her bed. Softly he stroked her face.

CC stirred from the feeling. She thought she had been dreaming. Then the clouds moved away from the light and she saw his face. She backed away in fear.

"CC, shh. It’s me."

CC screamed. This couldn’t be happening.

"Shh. CC, why are you so scared?"

"You… You are dead. Maxwell saw the wreck. There’s no way you could have survived he said. They found your body."

"My body? CC? I am not dead. Touch me." He brought her hand to his face.

She felt him for a long time. "Oh Niles, it is you. You are alive!" CC cried.

"Of course I am alive. What else would I be?"

"Maxwell said you were dead. Your car was in an accident, the driver was dead. They said it was you."

"My car was stolen and I walked home."

"I thought… Oh Niles… You shouldn’t love me. Leave me!"

"Why CC? You know how our love is, I can’t stop loving you." Niles kissed her, but instead of CC kissing him back she backed away.

"No Niles, I’ll get you killed. I got Junior killed and I almost got you killed today. You’re better off just leaving me here by myself. Alone."

"No no no CC, I don’t believe you. Junior didn’t because of you. He died because of nature. Maybe he died because of me, because I wasn’t there. Don’t you start thinking you’ve got a curse on you or something. I got out of that car didn’t I? Don’t you think that maybe I was lucky to get my car stolen, so that I wouldn’t be in it when it crashed?"

CC looked up at him. "Maybe."

"So I love you, and you love me, and we are starting our life together right now."

Niles kissed CC, and this time she kissed him back with all her passion.

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