"A Slip Of The Disc"
by
Abby
INT. KITCHEN - LATE MORNING
FRAN READS A MAGAZINE AS NILES FOLDS LAUNDRY.
|
NILES
Anything interesting, Miss Fine?
FRAN
Nah, same old stuff. Scandals,
gossip... Y’know, I just don’t see
how some people can get so worked up
about... Oh look! The Artist
Formerly Known as Prince is gettin’
married. What’s he gonna name his
kid? The Child Formerly Known as
Sperm?
|
VAL ENTERS, CARRYING A LARGE BOX.
|
VAL
Oh, Fran, I just got back from Price
Club. They had a bargain blitz on
disposable light bulbs.
NILES
Disposable light bulbs? |
VAL PLACES THE BOX ON THE TABLE.
|
VAL
Yeah, you know -- when one burns out,
you just toss it out and put in a
new one.
FRAN
Uh, Val... that’s what you do with
regular light bulbs.
VAL
Ohhhhh, so that explains it.
FRAN
Explains what?
VAL
Why I’m always buyin’ new lamps.
FRAN
(TO NILES) Oy, is there anyone on
Earth more gullible? |
MAXWELL ENTERS.
|
MAXWELL
Good afternoon, everyone. (RE: BOX)
Ohh, stocking up on disposable light
bulbs, Niles? (HOLDS BULB ABOVE HIS
HEAD) Good thinking, old man.
NILES
Yes, sir. Especially in light of
the fact that there are so many dim
bulbs around here. |
C.C. ENTERS.
|
C.C.
Hello, hello.
NILES
(RE: MAXWELL AND C.C.) Dim and
Dimmer. I rest my case. |
INT. LIBRARY - A BIT LATER
MAXWELL WORKS AT HIS DESK AS C.C. ENTERS.
|
C.C.
Hello, Maxwell.
MAXWELL
Hello, C.C. Oh, before I forget...
Can you work late tonight? This
prospectus is due tomorrow and we’ve
barely even started on it.
C.C.
Sorry, but I have a date tonight.
MAXWELL
Good, then we’ll just work right
through dinner... I’m sorry, what
did you say? |
NILES ENTERS.
|
C.C.
I said I have a date tonight. Why?
Is that so hard to believe?
NILES
Not if you consider The Flat Earth
Society.
MAXWELL
So, what’s this guy like?
C.C.
Well, I’m not sure -- he’s a blind
date.
NILES
He’d have to be to go out with you.
C.C.
You are just jealous. You take me
for granted, assuming you’ll always
have me here to fall back on.
NILES
Well, it beats having you here to
fall forward on. |
NILES EXITS. C.C. SLAMS THE DOOR BEHIND HIM.
|
C.C.
Oooo, he makes my blood boil! Why
do you let him get away with that
stuff?
MAXWELL
Oh, C.C., it’s just his way... a
display of affection, even. You
know, in a way, you two are sort
of like siblings.
C.C.
Well, I suppose you’re right. I’ve
always thought of him as the brother
I never wanted. |
FRAN ENTERS, CLOSING THE DOOR BEHIND HER.
|
FRAN
Mr. Sheffield... Oh, hi Miss Babcock.
C.C.
Nanny Fine, don’t you ever knock?!
What if Maxwell and I were involved
in something... intimate?
FRAN
Oh. Well, then I woulda just
listened at the door... like Niles
does.
MAXWELL
He eavesdrops?!
FRAN
No... I said he listens at the door.
NILES (OFFSTAGE)
Only so I can anticipate your every
need, sir.
FRAN
See?
MAXWELL
(THROUGH DOOR) Niles?
NILES
Yes, sir? |
MAXWELL BANGS ON THE DOOR.
|
NILES
(WHIMPERING) Thank you, sir.
C.C.
Oh Maxwell, you just made my day!
Ciao! |
SHE EXITS AS NILES REENTERS BRISKLY, SLAMMING THE
DOOR INTO HER.
|
NILES
Oh. I’m sorry. Guess I should
have been listening more carefully. |
INT. DINING ROOM - LATE AFTERNOON
FRAN, MAGGIE, BRIGHTON, AND GRACE SIT AROUND THE TABLE,
PLAYING PICTIONARY. GRACE DRAWS FURIOUSLY.
|
FRAN
(HYPER) Uh... cloud! Line. You’re
drawin’ a line... it’s the ground,
the ground! OK... Cloud in the
ground! (OFF GRACE’S STARE) No,
it’s not. A rock, a rock in the
ground... Wait, what’s that?
Somethin’ on the rock... a duck... a
cow... a cow with a long neck... a
giraffe! It’s a giraffe! |
GRACE FURIOUSLY POINTS TO THE DRAWING.
|
FRAN
It’s not a giraffe! A camel? A
Llama?
MAGGIE
Time’s up!
FRAN
Well? What the hell is it?!
GRACE
A fossil. (OFF THEIR STARES) Look...
It’s a dinosaur imprinted on a rock
under the ground.
FRAN
(RE: DRAWING) Oh, honey... Picasso
you’re not. Dali maybe...
BRIGHTON
OK, our turn. It’s an All-Play.
FRAN
Good... a chance to redeem ourselves.
(TO GRACE) Fossil. Huh! You
shoulda just drawn my mother.
MAGGIE
(STARTING TIMER) Go! |
MAGGIE AND FRAN DRAW FURIOUSLY.
|
BRIGHTON
(RE: MAGGIE’S DRAWING) Uh... a face...
GRACE
(RE: FRAN’S DRAWING) A chair...
BRIGHTON
A tree...
GRACE
A ballerina?
BRIGHTON
New Jersey! |
MAGGIE AND BRIGHTON HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER.
|
FRAN
(OFF GRACE’S STARE) What? It’s not
my fault you didn’t see the
connection. |
NILES ENTERS WITH PLATES AND SILVERWARE.
|
NILES
Are you almost done? I have to set
the table for dinner. (RE: FRAN’S
DRAWING) Ohhhh... New Jersey. |
NILES DROPS A PIECE OF SILVERWARE ON THE FLOOR
.
FRAN BENDS DOWN TO PICK IT UP AND THROWS HER BACK OUT.
|
NILES
(TO GRACE) See? Atlantic City...
FRAN
(STOOPED OVER) Uh... help me here.
NILES
...and Six Flags Great Adventure...
FRAN
Help me here.
NILES
...and The Boss.
FRAN
Help me here! |
NILES TRIES TO STRAIGHTEN HER UP.
|
FRAN
Owwww! Oh my God! I haven’t felt
anything this painful since my
sister Nadine caught me in bed with
her b... rand new nightgown.
NILES
Miss Fine, shall I call an ambulance?
FRAN
(BRAVELY) No, no. I’ll be OK. |
SHE SHUFFLES TOWARD THE KITCHEN DOOR, THEN TOPPLES OVER.
|
(WHIMPERING) Niles?
NILES
Yes, Miss Fine?
FRAN
I’ll take that ambulance now. |
INT. EMERGENCY ROOM - LATER
FRAN LIES ON A GURNEY IN AN ER STALL, MOANING.
NILES TRIES TO COMFORT HER.
|
FRAN
(IN PAIN) Oh, Niles, how long have
we been here?
NILES
(UPSET) Almost an hour. Jeez, if
you don’t come in with something
actually hanging off of your body,
you’re out of luck. So to speak.
FRAN
Niles, just kill me now. I wouldn’t
wish this kind of pain on anyone...
NILES
Not even your ex-fiancé Danny, or
Heather Biblow, the slut he dumped
you for?
FRAN
Not bad, Niles. Y’know, with a
little training, you could blend
right in with my family. But first,
you’d have to lose that funny accent. |
SHE LAUGHS, WHICH CAUSES HER MORE PAIN.
NURSE #1 ENTERS.
|
NURSE #1
How ya doin’ honey? (FRAN GROANS)
Don’t worry, in a second you’re not
gonna care. |
SHE GIVES FRAN A SHOT.
|
NILES
What’s that?
NURSE #1
Demerol.
NILES
Does it work fast?
FRAN
(DELIRIOUS) Oh, hiya Niiiiles.
(LOOKS AROUND) Ohhhhh, I like what
you’ve done with the house.
NILES
Feeling better, Miss Fine?
FRAN
Psssst, come here... (HE DOES) I
think you’re are so adorable. But
don’t tell Niles... it’ll just be
our little secret, OK?
NILES
(AMUSED) Don’t worry, Miss Fine.
My lips are sealed.
FRAN
Oh, good, ‘cause I’d just die if he
ever found out. |
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