Back to Part One of A Slip Of The Disc




"A Slip of the Disc"

Part Two

by

Abby




INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - LATER
FRAN IS IN TRACTION. AN OLD WOMAN IS IN BED
NEXT TO HER, WATCHING TV.

TV VOICE 1
You slut! How could you sleep with my husband?

TV VOICE 2
We weren’t sleeping, honey!

TV VOICE 1
But we have a home... a family... how could you?!

WOMAN
(TO FRAN) You... I see you over there. You can’t hide. You slut! How could you?! If I ever get my hands on you...

FRAN TRIES VAINLY TO DISTANCE HERSELF FROM THE WOMAN,
THEN PUSHES THE NURSE CALL BUTTON.

WOMAN
Push that all you want, honey. But he’s not gonna help you. He’s my husband!

FRAN DESPERATELY TRIES THE BUTTON AGAIN.
NURSE #2 ENTERS.

NURSE #2
OK, what’s wrong? And it better be good... I was on break.

TOO SCARED TO SPEAK, FRAN POINTS TO THE WOMAN.

NURSE #2
(TO WOMAN) Do you know what’s up with her?

WOMAN
What’s up?! She’s a tramp is what’s up! Look at her hiding over there -- and if she keeps it up, she’ll never win the Emmy!

NURSE #2
Ohhhh. It’s OK, Mrs. Rosen. She’s sorry and won’t ever do it again. (TO FRAN, WINKING) Right,Erika?

FRAN NODS. NURSE #2 COMFORTS THE WOMAN,
THEN CLICKS OFF THE TV.

NURSE #2
(TO FRAN) Post-op medication. Sometimes it makes them hallucinate, especially during All My Children.

NURSE #2 BEGINS TO LEAVE.

FRAN
Uhhhh... while you’re here... could you adjust this thing? The muscle spasms in my back are startin’ to spread... (SQUIRMING) to my entire body!

NURSE #2 TRIES TO ADJUST BED. THE BED SPRINGS INTO
DIFFERENT POSITIONS, ALL OF WHICH ARE PAINFUL TO FRAN.
IT ENDS UP WITH BOTH ENDS ELEVATED, SANDWICHING FRAN
IN THE MIDDLE.

SYLVIA ENTERS WITH A BOX AND A LARGE PURSE,
CROSSES TO THE BED AND FIXES IT IN ONE MOTION.
NURSE #2 EXITS.

SYLVIA
(RE: BED) Your father and I just bought one of those Craftmatic contraptions. The first time in years he tried to elevate anything and we ended up just like that -- a human taco. Meanwhile, I brought your favorite... Mallowmars!

SHE PLACES THE BOX ON THE BED, OUT OF FRAN’S REACH, AND
STARTS NOSHING FROM IT, OBLIVIOUS TO FRAN’S CONTINUED
ATTEMPTS TO NAB A COOKIE.
NILES AND VAL ENTER, HE WITH FLOWERS, HER WITH A BOX.

VAL
(SADLY) Hi, Fran...
Oooo, Mallowmars!

VAL ALSO STARTS EATING OUT OF THE BOX.
NILES NABS A COOKIE IN THE MIDST OF THE FEEDING FRENZY
AND SLIPS IT TO FRAN. HE THEN PLACES THE FLOWERS IN A
VASE.

DURING THE FOLLOWING, VAL OPENS HER BOX AND
BEGINS CHANGING THE BULBS IN ALL THE LAMPS.

SYLVIA
Awwww. Flowers... how sweet. (TO FRAN) I remember when I was in the hospital havin’ you and...

FRAN/SYLVIA
...a longer, more painful labor was never had by anyone!

SYLVIA
Oy, I’m getting more predictable than Old Faithful.

FRAN BEGINS TO INTERJECT. SYLVIA GRABS ONE OF THE
TRACTION CABLES.

SYLVIA
Uh, darling... I could hurt you with this.

FRAN
Ma! Who are you, Nurse Ratchet?

SYLVIA
Anyway... your father used to do nice stuff like that all the time. Now he gives me Nair for Valentine’s Day.

AS VAL CHANGES THE BULB IN A LAMP NEAR THE OLD WOMAN,
SHE SUDDENLY SPRINGS TO ATTENTION.

WOMAN
(TO VAL) You! You’re friends with that other slut, aren’t you?

VAL
Yeah! How did you know? Ever since junior high we’ve been like Laverne and Shirley, Lucy and Ethel... Masters and Johnson!

FRAN
Don’t encourage her, Val!

NILES
Uh... Miss Toriello, I’m sure I noticed a flickering light up the hall when we came in.

VAL GRABS THE BOX OF BULBS.

VAL
Really?! (TO FRAN) Y’see? I told you these would come in handy.

VAL EXITS.

WOMAN
(TO NILES) And you! How could you cheat on me? I gave you the best years of my life!

NILES
(SIZING HER UP) Yes... I see you must have.

SHE ROLLS OVER, INSULTED.

NILES
(TO FRAN/SYLVIA) When all else fails, play along.

SYLVIA
(TO FRAN) That’s what I keep telling your father.

NILES
Miss Fine, Mr. Sheffield said he’ll visit you tomorrow. He’s trying to finish up a business deal alone, since Miss Babcock is out on a date. Yes, I said a date.

FRAN
Oh my God! He’s comin’ here? With me like this?!

SYLVIA
You’re right. And never mind Mr. Sheffield. Some young, single doctor could walk in that door any minute and what would he see?

FRAN
Ma! I’m in traction -- just how attractive could I possibly be?

SYLVIA PULLS OUT DRY SHAMPOO, MAKEUP, AND A RAZOR
FROM HER PURSE.

SYLVIA
Fear not, I came prepared. (BRANDISHING THE RAZOR) Now. Let’s start with the legs.

NILES
Well... uh... I better go help Miss Toriello. Something tells me she’s going to... screw this up.

THEY GROAN. NILES ESCAPES QUICKLY.

FRAN
Ma, are you sure you know what you’re doin’?

SYLVIA
Just be quiet and trust your mother.

INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - A BIT LATER
FRAN SITS UP IN BED, LOOKING AT HERSELF IN A HAND MIRROR.
HER HAIR NOW RESEMBLES A TUMBLEWEED, SHE HAS LITTLE BITS
OF TISSUES STUCK ALL OVER HER LEGS, AND HER FACE IS MADE
UP BADLY. SYLVIA STUDIES THE SHAMPOO BOX.

FRAN
Ma, it’s dry shampoo! That means you don’t use any water!

SYLVIA
I figured, what could it hurt? (ESCAPING) Oh, look at the time! I better go... cook dinner.

SYLVIA EXITS QUICKLY.

FRAN
(AFTER HER) Yeah well, don’t cut yourself on the lid!

NURSE #2 ENTERS.

NURSE #2 (LOOKING AROUND) Is it brighter in here? (RE: FRAN’S APPEARANCE) That was your mother, wasn’t it?

INT. LIVING ROOM - NEXT MORNING
NILES DUSTS AS MAXWELL READS THE PAPER.
C.C. ENTERS.

C.C.
Hello, hello!

MAXWELL
C.C., you’re nearly two hours late! We were starting to worry, weren’t we Niles?

NILES
Oh, yes sir. (PICKS UP PHONE) I was just about to call 9-1-1.

C.C.
Sorry Maxwell, but I got in very late last night from my date.

MAXWELL
Alright. Dish.

C.C.
(DREAMILY) Well... he’s British... late forties... about five-ten... red hair... blue eyes...

NILES LOOKS AT HIMSELF IN THE HALLWAY MIRROR.

...and he has this deep, sexy, voice that just drives me crazy!

NILES
Oh, really?

C.C.
And personality! He’s got a witty, sarcastic sense of humor... classy... and boy, can he sing! He’s just so unique -- one of a kind!

NILES
Uh... he wouldn’t also happen to be -- oh, I don’t know -- a gourmet cook?

C.C.
(SURPRISED) Yes, he studied in England, as a matter of fact. How did you know that?

NILES
Lucky guess.

MAXWELL
(TO C.C.) Well, now that you’re here to attend to business, I can go over to the hospital and visit Miss Fine.

HE CROSSES TO THE FOYER. NILES HELPS HIM ON WITH HIS COAT.

C.C.
What’s wrong with Nanny Fine?

MAXWELL
Threw her back out yesterday.

C.C.
Oh, the poor thing.

MAXWELL EXITS.

(SNIDELY) But, then again, she’s probably used to that.

NILES
Hven’t you ever thrown your back out?

C.C.
Noooo.

NILES
Didn’t think so.

C.C.
Oh, Niles, can’t you give it up just for one day?

NILES
Why? Is it your birthday again?

C.C.
Just do it, OK?

NILES
Ohhhh. Mr. One-of-a-Kind is coming over, isn’t he?

C.C.
Yes, and I’m warning you -- don’t botch this up for me.

NILES
Now why would I do that? After all, he might just sweep you off your feet... and then marry you... and take you far, far away... never to return! Damn, I need a cigarette!

C.C.
And you know you’d miss me.

NILES
True. I’d have to get a whole new hobby.

C.C.
Try golf. It’s good for men who don’t score much.



INT. HOSPITAL ROOM - ALSO THAT MORNING
NURSE #2 ENTERS.

NURSE #2
OK, honey. Time to take your blood pressure.

SHE PROCEEDS TO DO SO.

FRAN
Again?! Whaddaya, need numbers for Lotto?

NURSE #2
(RE: GAUGE) Textbook. (CALLING) You owe me five bucks, Mindy! (TO FRAN) Now... are you regular?

FRAN
You just said I was textbook.

NURSE #2
That was blood pressure. I’m talking about...

FRAN
Ohhhh. (SUSPICIOUS) Why? What happens if I’m not?

NURSE #2
Well, hypothetically...

FRAN
Hypothetically? Forget it! I hate needles! A few prunes, a cup of coffee, I’m fine.

NURSE #2 EXITS.

Meanwhile, just talkin’ about needles seems to have worked just fine.

SHE ROLLS OUT OF BED AND CRAWLS TOWARD THE BATHROOM.

FRAN
Oy. Here’s a Moment of Dignity.

MAXWELL ENTERS.

MAXWELL
Miss Fine, is everything all right?

FRAN FREEZES IN A COMPROMISING POSITION.

FRAN
Uh... yeah. I was just lookin’ for my... lipstick.

MAXWELL
Oh. Well, let me help you.

HE GETS DOWN ON ALL FOURS.

FRAN
No! That’s OK. The doctor says it’s good for me to move around a bit. Please go away.

SHE CRAWLS AWAY FROM HIM. HE FOLLOWS HER AROUND THE BED.

MAXWELL
Miss Fine...

FRAN
Please go away.

MAXWELL
Miss Fine...

FRAN
Go away!

THEY END UP FACE TO FACE.

MAXWELL
Miss Fine!

FRAN
Oh, hi Mr. Sheffield. Nice tie.

MAXWELL
Oh, do you like it? Niles picked it out...

HE GETS UP ABRUPTLY.

Miss Fine!

WOMAN
(RANDOMLY) Miss Fine!

NURSE #2 ENTERS.

NURSE #2
Miss Fine!

FRAN
What is this, a chorus?!



INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER
C.C. SNUGGLES ON THE COUCH WITH HER DATE, JAMES, WHO
IS A VIRTUAL CLONE OF NILES.
MAXWELL ENTERS.

MAXWELL
Hello, C.C. Niles. (HE DOES A DOUBLE-TAKE) C.C.? Niles?

C.C.
Oh, Maxwell, I’d like you meet James Cromwell. James, this is Maxwell Sheffield, the Broadway producer.

JAMES
Maxwell. A pleasure.

THEY SHAKE HANDS.

(OFF MAXWELL’S STARE) Is something wrong?

MAXWELL
Oh, uh... no. It’s just that you remind me of someone I know.

C.C.
Really? Who?

MAXWELL
Myyy... cousin Norman. From England. Whom you’ve never met. And never will. (TO JAMES) So, what do you do, Niles... James?

JAMES
I’m a chef.

C.C.
Oh darling, don’t be so modest. (TO MAXWELL) He’s the head chef at Le Cirque.

MAXWELL
Ah, very impressive. What’s your specialty?

C.C.
Oh, he has a wide variety of specialties. (CLUTCHING HIS ARM) And they’re not all confined to the kitchen.

JAMES
You got that right, sweetie.

C.C. AND JAMES EMBRACE.

MAXWELL
Uhhhh...

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT. C.C. AND JAMES COLLECT THEMSELVES.

C.C.
(GIDDY) Sorry, Maxwell. We just can’t help it.

JAMES
Yes, I just can’t believe that this jewel of a woman hasn’t been snatched up yet. (TO MAXWELL) How can you stand to work with her every day and still maintain a business decorum?

MAXWELL
Well, uh... it’s... difficult. But I manage, for the sake of the partnership, of course.

C.C.
(BLUSHING) Oh, Maxwell, stoooop.

JAMES
(TO MAXWELL) Well, your loss is my gain.

THEY RESUME SMOOCHING.
MAXWELL EXITS, UNCOMFORTABLY.

INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
MAXWELL ENTERS FROM THE LIVING ROOM AS
NILES ENTERS FROM THE BACK DOOR WITH GROCERIES.
HE IS DRESSED VERY SIMILARLY TO JAMES.

MAXWELL
Oh, God, this is getting extremely weird.

NILES
I beg your pardon, sir.

MAXWELL
Just take a peek into the living room.

HE DOES SO.

NILES
Ahhhh, I see Mr. Unique has arrived. (TO MAXWELL) So, what does this extremely good-looking man with awful taste in women do for a living?

MAXWELL
He’s the head chef at Le Cirque.

PAUSE.

NILES
(MIFFED) Really? Hmmmph.

MAXWELL EXITS. NILES PUTS AWAY THE GROCERIES.

NILES
(MUTTERING) I coulda had that job, but no, I was too committed to slaving away here, cooking gourmet meals no one appreciates, dusting perfectly clean furniture, picking up after The Bad Seeds...



INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
FRAN ENTERS, SHUFFLING STIFFLY. SYLVIA ENTERS, CARRYING
FRAN’S GAUDY SUITCASE. JAMES RUNS PAST THEM AND EXITS
OUT THE DOOR.

FRAN
(ANNOYED) Oh hi, Niles. No, it’s OK, I don’t need any help. Really. I’m feeling much better. Thanks for askin’! (TO SYLVIA) Sheesh! Ya think ya know a person.

MAXWELL ENTERS.

MAXWELL
Oh, Miss Fine. Good to see you all better! Welcome home.

HE GIVES HER A PECK ON THE CHEEK.

SYLVIA
That’s it? A peck on the cheek? After four years of living under the same roof? You English... regular Balls o’ Fire.

FRAN
(TO MAXWELL) So, what’s with Niles? He just bolted outta here like Letterman on I-95. No hello, good- bye, drop dead... nothin’!

MAXWELL
That wasn’t Niles.

FRAN
Uh, Mr. Sheffield... I just saw him. Strawberry blond, blue eyes, stiff upper lip...

NILES ENTERS.

Oh. (RE: DOOR) So who was that?

NILES
(TAKING SUITCASE) That was Miss Babcock’s boyfriend, The Tasteless Gourmet.

MAXWELL
He had to run out and put some coins in the meter.

NILES
Good to have you home, Miss Fine. I’ll just put this in the library for now.

NILES EXITS. FRAN SHUFFLES SLOWLY OVER TO THE COUCH
AND DROPS STIFFLY ONTO IT.

FRAN
(WHINING) Maaaa, can you get me something to drink?

SYLVIA
Of course, darling. But I have to hurry. Your father’s driving around the block out there waiting for me. God forbid he should splurge a buck on a meter. Never mind all the tires he’s worn out over the years.

OUTSIDE, A HORN HONKS IMPATIENTLY.

(YELLING) All right Morty! Keep ya hair on! (TO FRAN) Sorry bubala, I gotta go. Mr. Sheffield, be a dear and get my Frannie a little juice. (SOTTO) I think prune would be good after that stressful hospital stay, if ya know what I mean.

FRAN
(HORRIFIED) Maaaa!

VAL ENTERS WITH THE BOX OF BULBS.

VAL
What did you guys do to Niles? I just saw him runnin’ down the street.

MAXWELL
Well...

FRAN
Uh... let me handle this. Butler’s Marathon, Val.

VAL
Oh.

SYLVIA
(RE: BOX) Oooooo, disposable light bulbs. (GASPS) I missed the Bargain Blitz at Price Club, didn’t I? I’ll buy the rest offa you. Ten bucks.

VAL
Deal.

VAL AND SYLVIA EXIT.



INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
THE LIGHTING IS DIM.
NILES ENTERS WITH THE SUITCASE, PLACES IT NEXT TO
THE DESK, THEN PICKS UP THE PHONE WITH HIS BACK TO
THE DOOR.
C.C. ENTERS, SNEAKS UP, AND GRABS HIM FROM BEHIND.

C.C.
There you are, you sexy hunk. Come to mama!

SHE MASSAGES HIS SHOULDERS AND NECK. NILES RECOILS
AT FIRST, THEN DECIDES TO PLAY ALONG. SHE PULLS HIM
ONTO THE COUCH, WHERE THEY MAUL EACH OTHER FOR A BIT.

C.C.
(FLUSTERED) God, you never kissed me like that before! What were you saving it for? My birthday next week?

NILES STARES AT HER, AMUSED. SHE STARES BACK AND
SLOWLY REALIZES WHO HE IS. SHE BOLTS OFF THE COUCH,
WIPING HER MOUTH.

C.C.
Ugh! I am going to kill you!

NILES RISES.

NILES
(SMUGLY) No you’re not. Not with your birthday right around the corner.

HE EXITS. SHE CONSIDERS THIS, THEN SHIVERS LUSTFULLY.



INT. LIVING ROOM
MAXWELL MASSAGES FRAN’S FEET.

MAXWELL
It’s so good to have you home, Miss Fine. It was so lonely -- and quiet -- around here.

FRAN
Awwww, well I missed you guys too. Especially with Sybil in the bed next to me and people poking me with God knows what every minute.

SUDDENLY, ALL THE LIGHTS GO OUT.

MAXWELL
What the... Damn bargain bulbs.

FRAN
Oh, yeah. Damn.

MAXWELL
Miss Fine? ... Miss Fine?

FRAN
(GASPS) Mr. Sheffieeeeeeeeeld.....
(SOTTO) Val, I owe ya one.



THE END



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