Dog Day Afternoon

by

IvanaBgood
(IvanaBGood@aol.com)

"76…"

"…77,"

"78! There goes the ball." Maxwell looked up at everyone with a big grin on his face.

"Dad! You busted another paddleball!" Brighton complained.

"Poor workmanship. They need to make a stronger rubberband for these things." Max puts his arms up in a victory pose,

"Winner and still champion!"

Brighton grimaced as Fran grabbed the wooden paddle away from her gloating employer. She watched the little red rubber ball ricochet off the wall and across the foyer as Brighton kicked it on his way towards the stairs.

"Aww. Can’t you let B win sometimes? He looks so sad."

"Toughen up, Miss Fine. I can’t just let him win. It’s a rite of passage. It’s how little boys become men. That’s how my dad was with me and now I’m passing the ritual on to my son." He glanced up as Niles approached them with a tray of orange juice and Oreos. "Isn’t that right, old man?"

"Yes, indeed your right, sir. Remember when your father teased you because you kept stabbing yourself with the darts. And how you cried that day when you hit yourself on the head with the cricket bat. Oh, and there was that time when-"

"Never mind," Max scowled at his old friend as he twisted his cookie open.

"Hello, hello!" CC greeted as she crossed into the living room from the office.

"We talk about bats and look who appears, Count Babcockula," Niles says to Fran.

Fran laughed as she elbowed Niles’ arm.

CC threw Niles a scowl before flashing her business partner a dazzling smile. "I didn’t know you played darts, Maxwell. I love that game!"

"Yes, I was rather good at it too in my day, CC. But it’s a sport, not a game."

"A sport?! Feh!" Fran responded.

"Miss Fine!" Max uttered as he wiped off the Oreo crème that just landed on his cheek.

"Oops, sorry!" Fran smiled. "Don’t worry, Mr. Sheffield. That’s the sign of good luck."

"I thought that only worked with bird poop?" Val questioned.

"Vaaaal!" Fran gave her friend a look.

"Sorry."

"As I was saying," Fran turned her attention back to Max.

"There is no way darts could ever be considered a sport. It’s just something that we women pretend that we can’t play so we can get our dates to lean their hard chests onto our backs. Their strong arms next to ours touching, rubbing…" Fran closed her eyes for a moment and then snapped them open, as she realized where she was.

Niles grinned, "Need to smoke now?"

"Oh yeah," Fran grinned back.

Max shook his head at his nanny. "Yes, darts are a sport. Sports involve strong competition. It’s something that we men bond over with a strong pint of lager and lots of pretzels."

"Oh no, there’s that logger again. Cut the tree down already and move on." Fran sipped her juice.

"Is that another one of your stories Miss Fine?" Niles asked as he flipped an Oreo over to CC.

"What do you mean?"

"You can’t be serious about that part where you said you pretended not to know how to play?"

"Yeah, I was. Why? There’s nothing to it. If we women can put polish on each of our fingernails and toenails without getting one dollop on our skin, what’s so hard about throwing a dart at a big round board?"

"Yeah!" CC chimed in as she grabbed the cookie from the plate before Niles threw one at her again.

"Looks like I riled up Rover. If you sit up and beg I might give you another cookie," Niles suggested.

"So that’s how you get women, you bribe them," CC chortled as she drained her glass. "Hey, that was straight juice!" she sputtered.

"Yes. What did you think it was, CC?" Max gave her a curious look.

"I…I…I thought there would be some ice." She smiled winningly as she held out her glass, "Give me some ice, Niles."

Niles scowled at her pushiness as he dropped ice cubes into her glass.

"Nanny Fine," CC looked around, "where’s Chester?"

A couple of cubes fell on the floor. Niles looked around quickly and nonchalantly picked them up and tossed them into CC’s glass before filling it up.

"Huh? Chester?" Fran stood on tiptoe as her eyes scanned the room for the fluffy canine.

"Yes, you were suppose to watch him for me."

"Don’t worry. He’s okay. I know exactly where he is."

CC nodded, assured, as she brought her glass to her lips.

Fran pulled Val’s sleeve, "Quick!" she whispered stongly, "Find that dog!"

Val’s eyes widened as she left the room hurriedly.

"Women good at darts," Max chuckled, "maybe if they were knitting needles."

Niles joined Max’s laughter.

"Et tu, Niles?" Fran looked at her friend in surprise.

"I’m sorry, Miss Fine. Maybe you know how to play like you said, but I really doubt you could ever beat Mr. Sheffield or me for that matter."

"Are you saying that because we’re women, we can’t beat you in darts?!" CC remarked just before she stuck her tongue out.

"There, there. Is Rover thirsty?" Niles patted her head.

"Can it, Niles. I just had a piece of hair in my mouth. I wonder where that came from."

Niles glanced at her innocently. "I haven’t the faintest idea. Maybe you were cleaning yourself this morning."

CC gave Niles a dirty look and then looked carefully into her juice.

"Getting back to this dart thing," Fran chimed in. "I can’t believe all this male chauvinistic talk I’m hearing from you guys."

"It’s darts, Miss Fine. Plural. And, we’re not being male chauvinists, just truthful. Ah, there’s the phone call I’ve been waiting all afternoon for. Excuse me."

"This isn’t done by a long shot buster," Fran called after him as she went to look for Val.

~~~~

"CC, you’re going to have to fly to Canada and meet with him there. We need to finalize everything before we can hold auditions," Max told his partner as he waited for Niles to set his dinner before him.

"But Maxwell, I have an important appointment tomorrow that I must keep."

"Yes sir, didn’t you hear. There’s a Bigfoot convention going on at the Empire State Building. They’re paying tribute to their famous ancestor, King Kong." Niles smirked as he set Mr. Sheffield’s plate down and then CC’s.

CC picked up both plate covers and clanged them onto Niles head. She grinned as she watched Niles walk dizzily away.

Gracie giggled.

"What is it, sweetie?" Fran smiled down at the normally serious little girl.

"It’s like watching a ‘Tweety and Sylvester’ cartoon."

Max grinned at his youngest child.

"I tawt I taw a bit…"

"Niles!" Max warned.

"…ter old spinster. I did, I did see a bitter old spinster."

"Keep it up Niles and I can arrange for an ACME anvil to fall on you when you leave your cage," CC threatened.

"Meep, meep!" Niles answered with a grin as he walked into the kitchen.

"And now the roadrunner," Fran said. "That Niles. He is so good with impressions. Just yesterday he convinced Richard Chamberlain that he was you…"

"He did what?!" Maxwell glared.

Fran darted her eyes around at the kids for help. They stared back helplessly. "Don’t worry, Mr. Sheffield it was for a good cause."

"I’m glad to hear that, Miss Fine. I wouldn’t want my butler to impersonate me for a bad one," Max replied sarcastically as he brought a forkful of pesto to his mouth.

"Yep. I was doing the N.Y. Times crossword puzzle…"

"Let me guess, in lipstick?" CC laughed.

"No, Miss Smarty-pants. If you must know, I did it with an old eyebrow pencil of mine, in a lovely shade of robin’s egg blue."

CC rolled her eyes.

"Anyway, as I was saying, I was doing the puzzle and I got stuck on what a Cardinal wears. And a St. Louis baseball uniform didn’t fit. So, I figured Richard Chamberlain would know! After all, he was awfully dishy as that sexy priest in ‘The Thorn Birds.’"

"Is everyone ready for dessert now," Niles asked as he entered the dining room carrying a chocolate mousse pie.

"Ah, Niles there you are! I didn’t realize I employed Rich Little."

"It’s just a hobby, sir," Niles answered proudly.

"I for one would like to hear something that wasn’t part of the Looney Tune entourage," CC replied, smiling evilly.

"Yes, Niles. Please entertain us."

"Oh sir, I couldn’t."

"Come on old man. I hear you do a ripping good imitation of…ME!"

Niles backed up as his employer’s eyes bulged. Then he stared at Fran.

"Sorry," she mouthed. "You know," Fran touched Maxwell’s arm and brushed it lightly, "Miss Babcock never finished what she was saying about her prior engagement for tomorrow."

"That’s right," Maxwell turned his attention to CC.

Fran winked at Niles and he smiled back. The kids exchanged grins.

CC tossed her napkin on the table as she pushed her plate away. "There’s a stud appointment that I arranged to attend a long time ago."

"See, I told you she’s more testosterone than estrogen," Niles commented. "Mustaches don’t lie."

CC rubbed her finger above her upper lip and threw Niles a venomous look. "Not for me, for Chester! He is a member of the American Kennel Club. He is very well bred and in demand.

"Maybe you two should swap corners?" Niles said as he served slices of pie to everyone.

Maxwell brought his dessert closer, "And for that, you can’t make a very important meeting? I would go, but I promised Grace’s principal that I would head the school play again this year. And tomorrow I’ll be auditioning for the parts of the coyote, eagles, and the teepee folk."

"What about you Gracie, aren’t you going to do it again this year?" Fran asked before reaching over with her fork. "Such a big piece of pie for such a little girl."

Gracie watched as the rest of her dessert disappeared into her nanny’s mouth. "Yes, but I told Daddy I didn’t want to be the lead this time. So I get to be the flowering cactus," she answered happily.

"There’s going to be children all over here tomorrow?" CC asked in alarm. "I changed my mind, I’ll go. But Niles you have to take Chester for me."

"Who says?"

"Niles."

"Yes, sir," sighed Niles.

"I can do it," Fran offered.

"Not on your life. You had no idea where he was for hours today," CC exclaimed.

"I did too. I taught him a new trick. It’s called hide-n-seek. As you can see, he was very good at it. Which reminds me…," she stared at B her voice raising with each word. "What is that thing I saw in your closet?"

Brighton stopped chewing, "An old catcher’s glove?"

"Guess again."

"A hockey stick?"

"Nope."

"A boa constrictor?"

"A WHAT?!" Maxwell asked incredulously.

"He’s harmless. I got him from my friend Jonathan."

"Is this the Jonathan who likes to put his gum behind his ear or the one that smells like fish?" Maggie asked.

"The one that smells like fish."

"Don’t you have any friends who are odorless?" Fran questioned. "One smells like cheese, the other one like fish. When you had them both over the one day, I thought Niles was cooking a tuna casserole. Eh hehhh!"

The kids and Niles laughed too.

"Are you through, Miss Fine? We have the matter of a boa constrictor to solve still."

"What’s to solve? Brighton will return it first thing tomorrow."

"But…" Brighton interjected and then stopped at his dad’s glare. "Okay, I just hope he’ll trade back what I gave him for Hannibal."

"What’s the going rate for a 6 foot long boa constrictor?" his nanny asked.

"A big stack of…study aids," Brighton mumbled.

"Study aids?" Niles repeated. "So that’s why your mattress sits lower on your box spring now."

"Here."

"What is this for?" Niles looked at the pager that CC handed him.

"It’s for tomorrow. When the dog in question is ‘ready’ her owner will page you. You’ll have to drive Chester over right away."

Niles pocketed the device as he walked away. "Wonderful. Another thing to add to my resume. Cook, driver, and now pimp."

"Maybe you should stay and watch. You might pick up some helpful hints," CC laughed.

Niles glowered at her as he kicked the kitchen door open.

~~~~

"Kids, get your tushes down here pronto! You’ll be late for school. Brighton where is Hannibal? You’re suppose to return him today."

"I can’t bring him to school with me, Fran. Jonathan will be by later this afternoon to pick him up."

"Okay, but he better be gone toot sweet. You know how your father feels about reptiles."

"Miss Fine, Miss Toriello on the phone for you."

"Thanks, Niles. Hi Val! Wait, slow down, I can’t understand what you’re saying."

"Is Miss Toriello having a problem with her enunciation?" Niles queried.

"No, she just needs to speak more clearly." Fran transferred the phone to her other ear. "Okay, so what were you saying again? Yeah…yeah, uh huh. Who has a wedding on a Monday, Val?! Oy, your family have got to be written up in ‘Ripley’s Believe it or Not.’ Fran covered the mouthpiece. "Val’s cousin is getting married this morning at McDonald’s," she explained to Niles. "The bride and groom met over a pack of McNuggets. Anyway, Val’s date can’t make it. He hurt himself in a jumping accident."

"He’s a skier?"

"No, a convict. He jumped bail and forgot that his mom planted a thorn bush under his bedroom window. So, uh Niles, could you do her a favor and escort her?"

"I can’t. Chester has a hot date today, remember?"

"I’ll take him. Pleeease Niles. It will really mean a lot to her to attend the wedding on a handsome man’s arm. It won’t have the same effect if we go together. Although, I don’t look half-bad in a tux."

Niles smiled. "Of course, Miss Fine. Please tell Miss Toriello that I would be happy to escort her to McDonald’s. Just make sure you get Chester there safely. If you don’t, I’m sure CC the Tazmanian She-Devil will get back at me somehow."

~~~~

"Hi kids, how was school?" Fran called over her shoulder as she turned off the television.

"It was great!" Maggie replied enthusiastically. "I couldn’t climb up the rope in gym class today, so Geoff Thompson helped me."

"That big muscled jock from your Psych class?"

"Yeah. And then afterwards he asked me out on a date."

"That’s wonderful, Maggie! See what happens when you dab a little ‘Passion’ behind each knee?"

"I had a good day too," Gracie replied as she peeled the banana that Fran had given her.

"Really, sweetie? What happened?"

"I didn’t lose one pencil today. No one wanted to borrow any after they saw them."

"You chewed all around and up and down them like I showed ya?"

"Uh huh. Only I think I swallowed the eraser on one of them."

"That’s okay honey, it’ll turn up in a day or so. I wouldn’t worry about it." Fran turned towards the quiet boy. "You look awfully sullen for someone who just got out of school."

"You would too if everyone called you a ‘Nanny’s Boy’. They’re all making fun of me because I have to give back Hannibal."

"I’m sorry B, but you have to return it. You heard your father. How about if you ‘forget’ your lunch here tomorrow and I arrange to have my cousin Babette deliver it to you?"

"Fran, you’re the best!" He gives her a hug.

"Aww, thanks sweetie. Now go get that snake. What the heck is that sound? Gracie, did you leave your Easy Bake Oven on again? Oh, it’s me. I’m the one beeping. Chester, it’s time for you to get lucky!" Fran walks towards the kitchen to get the canine.

A few minutes later, "Chester? Chester, where are you? That darn dog, where can he be this time? I spent all day spreading peanut butter on his milk bones and this is the thanks I get."

"We’ll help you find him, Fran," Maggie offered.

"Thanks. Why don’t you go look in the office. Gracie, you go look outside." Fran walked to the bottom of the stairs. "B!" she called out. "Is Chester up there?"

Brighton walked down dejectedly. "No, and you wanna know who else is missing – Hannibal. I did find this on the floor in my room."

Fran gasped at the torn red and black, plaid pull-over. "OH MY GOD! That’s Chester’s!"

~~~~

"Gracie, sweetheart, stand as still as can be. You’re a cactus, you’re not suppose to tap dance this time."

"I have to use the bathroom, Daddy."

"Oh. Okay – go ahead. I want the rest of you children to line up so you can write your name on the sign-up sheet."

Fran stopped Gracie in the hallway. "Have you seen any critters?"

Grace shook her head and ran inside the bathroom.

"Great. Jethro and Elly May had no luck either," Fran muttered under her breath to herself.

"Hello, Miss Fine!" Maxwell greeted.

"Hi Pa! I mean…Mr. Sheffield. Aren’t you done with the try-outs yet?"

"No. I have it all meticulously planned. I want this play to run flawlessly."

"They’re just a bunch of 4^th graders. Have them sing ‘A Farmer in the Dell’ and the parents will be happy. In fact- Hey kids, gather around here!"

"Miss Fine, what are you up to now?"

"Nothing. I’m helping you out."

The children draw together around Fran.

"Have you kids ever played, "Button, button who’s got the button?"

Hands raised up.

"Good! Let’s play. But instead of a button, I want you kids to look for a cute fluffy brown dog and a big snake."

The children start to scream and run around. Soon the household was short 19 kids.

Maxwell looked at the overturned furniture, a piece of paper wafted across the room. He sighed heavily as he plucked the sign-up sheet midair. "Am I to gather that you misplaced Chester and Hannibal?"

"If you did, you’d be gathering correctly," Fran answered as she stepped slowly away from the throbbing vein that Maxwell began to rub wearisomely.

"Why fight it. Come on, Miss Fine. I’ll help you look for them."

Fran smiled and took his hand.

Niles and Val walked in a few moments later. They stared in shocked amazement at the colossal mess.

"Whee, more fun for me to clean up," Niles remarked sardonically as they stepped around the coffee table that balanced precariously on top of the couch.

They turned around at the sound of a knock on the open door.

"Do you people live here?"

Niles’ and Val’s eyes widened, their mouths agape, as they nod.

"Is this your pooch?" Jack Nicholson held up Chester.

"Sort of." Niles walked over and took the dog.

"Keep your eye on him. He was trying to make time with my little Princess here," A white French poodle looked at Chester and winked.

"Yes, sir. I will."

"Make sure you do because you don’t want me back here."

"Oh my god, Jack Nicholson!" Fran exclaimed as she ran over, her high heels almost pitching her into Jack’s arms.

"Mr. Nicholson – Maxwell Sheffield, it’s a pleasure," Maxwell held out his hand.

"Yeah. Same here. I brought back your dog. He was being naughty with my baby."

"Looks like she got a freebie," Fran said.

"What?" Jack asked, staring from one face to another and finally noticing the condition of the room he was standing in. "I just want to know if you can make sure that dog stays off my property. Can you handle that?"

"You can’t handle the truth!" Fran interjected in her best Jack Nicholson.

"Miss Fine!" Maxwell looked at her as if she had gone daft.

"Sorry. I couldn’t resist. But I bet Niles can do it better. Show him Niles," she elbowed his side.

Jack lifted his sunglasses up and looked at Niles.

Niles put his hands up and shook his head vigorously. Jack threw a wave over his shoulder as he left. A teenage boy then walked up.

"Here’s Johnny," Niles called out.

"Niles, stop doing your impressions."

"I wasn’t sir. Master Jonathan is here for his reptile."

"Oy." Brighton replied from behind the piano.

"Come on everybody, that snake has to be around here somewhere."

~~~~

"What the hell happened in here?" CC greeted as she walked in.

"Hi Miss Babcock! Fran called out from under a couch cushion. "Miss Babcock?!" She dropped the cushion down and smoothed her skirt as she stood up. "You’re early."

"Yes. Where’s Maxwell?"

"He’s in the office."

"Alright. Tell him I’m back. I just want to get a drink."

CC strolled towards the kitchen. Niles should be in here. I’ve been needing a zinger all day. Her hands paused against the door as she heard hushed voices. She watched as a tuxedoed Niles and a tightly dressed Val stood very close to one another.

"It’s okay Niles, don’t get nervous. I’ve done this lots of times," Val said as she rubbed Niles’ back.

CC’s brow furrowed as she tried to peer over the kitchen counter. Niles’ back was to her and Val’s attention was centered on something low. Her eyes widened as Val kneeled down in front of the butler.

"I’m just going to ease it down and take a firm hold," Val said soothingly.

"Okay. Don’t let go. There. Yes. It’s working, Niles said in short breaths."

CC’s mouth popped open. That…that butler! All this time while we were trading insults, he had his eye on Forest Gump! She looked towards the back stairs at the sound of steps walking down.

"Oh thank god, Val! Do you need help?" Fran asked as she walked closer, not noticing CC at the doorway.

"Yeah, it’s a monster!"

"Careful," whispered Niles. "I can tell it’s getting too excited."

Nanny Fine too?! CC was shaking with anger. Not being able to contain herself any longer, she walked rapidly over to the trio. "What in the hell is going on here?!!"

"Quiet, you’re making Hannibal feel uneasy," Niles admonished.

"You named it Hannibal – that’s disgusting, that’s…" her eyes lowered, "that’s a snake!" She ran behind a chair.

"Yeah, it was sleeping under the sink. It’s nice and cool down there. When Niles opened the door, Hannibal wrapped himself around Niles’ leg," Val explained. "There you go, I got him."

"How come you’re not scared of it?" CC asked.

"I’m a plumber’s daughter. I use to help my dad all the time. We use to find snakes, turtles and even the occasional alligator." She hefted the snake in her arms. "Thanks for a wonderful time Niles."

"You’re welcome Val. We must do it again sometime."

"You bet. And next time you can keep the Happy Meal toy."

Fran and Val walked out to the living room lugging the snake between them.

"What were you so angry about?" Niles asked as he watched CC sink into the chair.

"Nothing," CC replied as she covered her eyes with her hand. "Get me some water."

Niles gave her one more curious glance before he walked towards the refrigerator and extracted a bottle of water.

"Niles, my water," CC ordered again.

Throwing an angry glare at her, he walked over and held the bottle with both his hands. "Miss Babcock?"

"What?" She uncovered her eyes and then closed them right away. She gasped as the shock of cold water splashed her face then all over her expensive white blouse. "Niles, you idiot!"

The kitchen door opened without a sound, but Niles noticed the movement and the streak of white hair.

"I’m sorry, Miss Babcock. When I tried to open it for you, some water gushed out somehow."

"Sorry, my ass! You did that on purpose!"

"CC! Niles did apologize. Accidents happen."

"But Maxwell-"

"Niles rarely spills anything. He’s a top-notch butler. He’s allowed a mistake or two. Besides it’s only water, it’ll dry." Maxwell turned to grab an apple from the fruit bowl. "Would you like a pear, CC?"

Niles threw a dishtowel at the blonde. "She doesn’t need one, sir. She already has a nice pair." He leered a little at her before he turned and walked up the back stairs.

CC wiped her face as she watched him walk away.

"What did he say?" Maxwell asked and then he stared at CC for a moment and studied her as she dabbed her blouse. "I’ve never seen you smile like that before, CC. Did you have a nice trip?"

As Niles’ back disappeared around the corner, she swiveled her attention to Maxwell. "Yes, it was fine. Everything squared away. I think I’ll stay for dinner if that’s okay with you, Maxwell."

"Fine with me. Are you sure everything is alright?"

"Mm hmm," she nodded, her eyes far away.

~~~~

"Fluff up my pillow. A little more. A little more. Ahhh…perfect!" Fran snuggled on the couch.

"I’m glad you’re finally happy," grumped Maxwell.

"How ya doin’ there, Miss Babcock?" Fran trilled.

"I couldn’t be happier, Nanny Fine." CC chimed back, a big smile on her face. "I’d like a pillow under my feet too, servant."

Niles sighed as he pulled her feet up, threw a small cushion underneath and dropped her feet on top. "You had to bet them didn’t you?" He groused at his employer.

"I still don’t see how you ladies beat us at darts," Maxwell replied.

"It may not have been knitting needles, but we did pretty good," grinned Fran. "Oh, Mr. Sheffield would you mind? I can’t reach it."

"It’s right there next to your elbow, Miss Fine."

"I know, but that would mean I would have to take my arms out from underneath this afghan and it’s so nice and toasty right now."

"If you insist." He picked up the candy box and tipped it closer.

"Could you push your finger in one and make sure it doesn’t have coconut?"

"Miss Fine!"

"We made a deal and you shook on it."

Maxwell groaned and began to indent his manicured fingernail into the chocolate.

"I’d like the ones without the nuts, Niles. Come on, chop chop." CC grinned up at him.

"Chester certainly doesn’t have any," he replied dryly.

"Well, after last month’s debacle with Jack Nicholson’s dog, Chester couldn’t perform anymore."

"Unlike his owner, who performs for anyone."

"You can’t upset me, Niles. I’m too happy. Why don’t you make yourself useful and make me some brownies."

"Mmmm…that sounds good. I would like a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Wavy Gravy," Fran added.

"But I don’t have the ingredients for brownies in the house. I’ll have to go to the store."

"Tough luck, old man. There’s still a pint of that ice cream in the freezer."

"No there isn’t. I ate it yesterday," Fran smiled up at her boss.

Both men groaned.

"Oh and Sylvester, pick up some milk bones for Chester and a jar of peanut butter while you’re there."

"Sufferin’ Succotash," grumbled Niles.

As the door slammed shut after the departing duo, "Isn’t Jack a sweetheart?" Fran asked CC as she sighed happily, munching on her candy.

"He sure is," CC agreed. "One-on-one dart lessons for a whole month. It sure did improve our game."

"Eh-hehhh!"

Fran and CC high-fived.

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