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It was a quiet afternoon at the Sheffield home. Maggie was out with Sean, Gracie was at Willie's and Brighton had gone to the mall with Brian. Ever since Max had beat out Andrew Lloyd Webber at the Tony awards, his phone had been ringing off the hook. He was on the phone with an investor with C.C. sitting in the background throwing insults back and forth with Niles. Fran was watching 'The Young and the Restless' while eating a Hot Pocket®.
Fran: Heather, why are sleeping with him? He's a married man, and has two kids. Sure his wife is possessed by the devil and is going to have his child, but that doesn't give you a right to sleep with him. Oh what am I talking about? My life is more ficachte than hers is.
She takes another bite out of her Hot Pocket®.
Max (from the office): All right. We are on our way!
Fran: Oy. Fran keep ya mind out of the gutter.
She turns off the TV and goes to find out what all the commotion was about. As she enters the office she sees a very happy Max sitting at the desk.
Max: Oh Miss Fine, do come in. This is a great day. I have just gotten Walter Redsly to back my next show.
Fran: And he is...?
C.C.: He is one of Andrew Lloyd Webber's biggest investors! You need to get out more.
Niles: This from someone whose idea of a good time is a bug zapper and a six pack.
Fran: Ah Hah! Oh you're so "Jeff Foxworthy."
Niles: You might be a redneck.
They both start laughing. C.C. gives Niles an evil eye and leaves the room to go get more coffee. Niles is shortly behind throwing insults all the way. This leaves Fran and Max alone in the office. The phone rings.
Fran (under her breath): Figures.
Max: Hello. Yes Sylvia she's right here. It's for you.
Fran: Thanks.
Max walks out of the office whistling as he goes.
Fran: Hi Ma. You WHAT!?!?! How could you? When? OK ma OK OK OK. Bye ma.
Max, hearing the rise in voice, walks back in.
Max: What happened?
Fran: Ma fixed me up with a blind date!
Max: Oh it can't be that bad what's he do?
Fran: He's the fire swallower in the circus.
Max makes a face.
Max: Well, at least it'll be an interesting one.
Fran slaps him.
Later that night Fran comes back from her date.
Niles opens the door for her.
Niles: How was your HOT date?
Fran: He told you? I'll get him. Everything was going fine, we were commenting on how beautiful the scenery was, and then without warning, he ate the candles. Wax, wick, everything--gone.
Niles: I take it they were lit.
Fran: No he lit them while they were in his mouth!!! I can't believe ma fixed me up with him.
Niles: There, there Miss Fine. Godiva?
Fran: Thanks.
She picks up the bowl leaving Niles holding one piece and walks out of the room. She can vaguely hear Brighton's Nintendo upstairs and Maggie's stereo blaring out the theme song from 'Men In Black'. Suddenly there is a loud bang. She thinks to herself, "They're home." She walks into Max's office. Max is busily writing something down.
Fran: Mr. Sheffield how could you tell everyone about my date?
Max: I only told Niles. How was your date anyway? Was it SMOKIN'?
Fran: Why don't you ask Niles since you two are so CLOSE!
Just as Fran was about to do some bodily damage to Max the phone rang.
Fran: Saved by the bell.
Max: The FIRE BELL.
He laughs and she can't help but crack a smile.
Max: Hello? Yes all right. I'll be there as soon as I can. I like you very much too. Bye.
Fran: Your mother?
Max: Yes she said there is a very urgent reason for me to go to England. I'm sorry Miss Fine. You're right I shouldn't have told. How could I possibly make you feel better? Oh I've got it. Come with me to England. Our time was cut short because of Niles last time.
Fran: Oh I don't know. I'd have to consult my schedule.
She takes a blank piece of paper off of Max's desk and glances at it.
Fran: All right looks like I can squeeze it in.
Max smiles and goes to get ready.
Max: Don't take too much Miss Fine.
Fran: I won't. Oh by the way, he ate the candles.
Max: What?
Fran: I'll explain to ya later.
24 hours and 12 suitcases for Miss Fine later...
Max: Miss Fine!
Fran comes bounding down the steps in her British flag sweater.
Fran: Yes?
Niles is sitting at the foot of the steps, out of breath.
Max: I told you only a few bags not 1,2,3...12 suitcases!
Niles: Please sir. Tell me we have a hidden elevator somewhere.
Max: Don't worry old man. Miss Fine will carry them. Besides you shouldn't carry them after what happened to you last time we left for England.
Fran gawks at Max and them casually picks up the first two and walks up the steps. Max follows with two more.
After unpacking and repacking (with Max's help) Fran was finally ready. She had 2 suitcases and a duffel bag. Max kisses the children goodbye, as does Fran. C.C. grabs at Max.
C.C.: Please don't leave me.
Niles: Top 10 things she does after every first date!
Fran: Ah hah. You guys be good. Niles take it easy.
Max: C.C. get up. Bye guys (to the kids) I love you guys.
Kids: We love you guys too.
They are on the front stoop.
Fran: WOW! You actually said I love you?
Max: They're my children.
Fran: I'm your nanny. There's a connection there. And what about your mother?
Max: I'm afraid I've never been really close to my mother. She wasn't around all that much. Well let's go, shall we?
He offers his arm to Fran who gladly takes it and they walk away with Niles looking on and smiling.
On the plane...
Fran: So that's what happened. He apologized after he had done it, but how do you ever get over your date eating a candle!
Max was trying hard not to laugh but he couldn't help it. Fran joined him.
Fran: Has your mom ever done anything embarrassing to you?
Max: Yes, when I was 4 she made me wear a dress and enter a Miss London contest.
Fran: That's pretty embarrassing but not as...
Max: Wait there's more. The embarrassing thing was I WON!
Fran bursts out laughing as Max's face turns a dark shade of red.
Max: The judges thought it was so funny that they let me keep the prize. I was in almost every paper in London. Needless to say a lot of girls were mad at me.
Fran (thinking of Paris): Oy, that may not be the only reason.
Max rolls his eyes.
Pilot (thick English accent): Welcome to London England! Please return to your seats and buckle up as we land.
Landing...
Pilot: We hope you have enjoyed your flight aboard British Airways. Ya know something funny that happened here once? A boy won the Miss London contest! I think he has moved to America and has something to do with Broadway Theater.
Max (red): Well, at least you know I wasn't lying.
Max's mom had told him to go to the London Municipal Hospital. As he entered he saw Jocelyn. He hugged her and gave her a kiss on both cheeks.
Max: What's going on? It's been so long.
Jocelyn: I was about to leave. Ma is having her toenail removed. She made it sound so urgent.
Max: Ah. Well, it was great seeing you again anyway.
Jocelyn: You too.
Max: Fran, I believe you've met my sister Jocelyn.
Fran: Yep. Hi.
Jocelyn: I hope you're taking care of Puddleducks.
Fran: Yeah.
They laugh.
Jocelyn: I gotta run. Talk to ya soon. Duckie, call me sometime so we can catch up on old times. I live in Utah now. Come visit. You too Fran.
Max and Fran: OK.
Jocelyn: Bye.
Max: Bye. (Jocelyn exits) I can't believe that she made me come all the way out here so I could visit her while she gets her bloody toenail removed.
Fran: Suddenly I don't believe that I am the only one that caused that gray streak.
Max: Wait out here. I don't want her to have a heart attack after her reaction to you last time. Heaven forbid she should have a real emergency.
Fran sits down in a chair.
Max: Mother!
Liz: Maxwell, thank you so much for coming.
Max: I can't believe you dragged me out here just to...
Liz: Here take this.
She hands him an old photo album.
Max: I always try not to look at old pictures. The memories are just too painful.
Liz: Someday maybe your painful memories will help someone remember you. There is something I never told you and I didn't tell your sister. I was going to but she would've been too emotional. Nigel is your brother and Jocelyn your sister.
Max: In the words of my son "Duh."
Liz: There is something you don't know. You may want to sit down for this.
He sits.
Liz: You have another brother, identical to you. His name is David, although he's probably changed it by now.
Max (almost in tears, obviously hurt): Why wasn't I ever notified?
Liz: You were separated at birth. Your father had some kind of business meeting and wasn't able to make the delivery so your Uncle Oliver came. He offered to hold David while I held you. I gave him to him and the next thing I knew he was gone. Police, hospital people, everyone was looking for him, but he had disappeared. We searched for 12 years and one day when he was 22 he came home. You were already in America with Sarah. He told us he had joined the mob. We had no choice but to disown him. He left in the middle of the night but killed the dog and put it in my bed. Kind of a vague version of the Godfather. That was the last thing your father and I ever agreed on other than a divorce. So you two never met except in the first few hours after birth.
Max was stunned. He had a twin out there and never knew it.
Liz: I'm sorry to tell you this now. I wanted to tell you when I visited but you were always around that tramp.
Max: For your information, Miss Fine is here! She takes CARE of my children apparently better than you ever did!
Fran, hearing all the yelling, comes in.
Fran: What's all the commotion?
Max: Nothing Miss Fine. Hold this a minute would you?
He hands her the album.
Max: Thanks Mom. Thanks a lot.
They walk out.
Fran: What was all that about?
Max: She...
He trailed off. Was he really going to tell Fran about his brother? She'd never understand that he had ties with the mob and if she did she would probably hit on him.
Max: She called you a tramp so I let her have it.
Fran: Thank you. I knew ya had it in ya.
Back at the hotel...
Fran: You really stood up for me?
She pulls on his tie. He leans over closer. The phone rings.
Fran: This is getting ridiculous.
Max smiles and picks up the receiver.
Max: Hello? All right I'll be right there.
Fran: Who was that?
Max: I have to meet someone in the lobby. I'll be back.
He grins and leaves. He knew who it was. It was his long lost brother David. His anticipation grew and he couldn't get the elevator to go down quick enough. When he arrived at the lobby and the doors opened it was like looking in a mirror at an exact replica of himself!
David: Hey Max. What's up?
Max: David?
David: Yeah, except now I'm known as Dave the Grave.
Max was afraid to ask why.
Dave (hushed voice): I know your thinking why. I have killed 20 people with my bare hands and am wanted in 5 other unsolved mysteries.
Max couldn't believe what he was hearing. All of the sudden something hard hit the back of his skull. He fell to the ground.
When he awoke he was in a small cell. His clothes had been taken. He only had on his underwear and undershirt (for all of you Charlie fans like me). A man steps out from the shadows.
Man: Hello. Can I help you with anything?
Max: Can you tell me where I am and (feeling the back of his head, ...no blood) some Advil.
Man: I can not tell you where you are.
The man disappears. Max tries to get up.
Meanwhile...
Dave posing as Max is standing at the door.
Dave: Hello.
Fran: It took you long enough to come back. Niles just called. Apparently one of your investors wants to invest more money in the show but will only be in town for a week. I guess our romantic retreat is over.
Dave: Not if I have anything to do with it.
Fran: Oh Mr. Sheffield!
Max gets up and takes a look around. He is in a small room no bigger than a jail cell. It is cold in here. This is when he realized he had only his underclothes on. He could hear the sound of water dripping in the distance and a stench filled his nostrils. It was that of decay. Just then the man returned. The light was on and it hurt Max's eyes. The man gave him the Advil and threw him some clothes. The exact clothes his brother had been wearing. Max couldn't see very well but he knew the man somehow. He couldn't place it though. The man quickly shut the door and just as quickly as he had appeared he disappeared. Max felt his way around when he came to the door, he could hear voices in the distance. They seemed to be laughing at something. "The joke's on me." he thought to himself. He felt his way over to what he thought was a bed and fell asleep.
Meanwhile Fran and Dave/Max are passionately kissing. Fran was thinking to herself. "Oy, who was down there, Cupid?" The phone rang.
Fran: Reach out and kiss my *?#!
Dave/Max reached for it but his hand is stopped by Fran's. Dave smiles and replaces the receiver and kisses Fran again. There is a knock at the door.
Fran (looking up): Why me?
Dave goes to answer it. There is a conversation taking place, but the voices are too low for Fran to make them out. All she hears is Max (or who she thinks is Max) say 'Good Job' and the door shutting again.
Dave: I'm terribly sorry, but we have to leave tomorrow.
Fran: Wouldn't ya know it.
The next morning...
Max groggily opens his eyes. The first thing he sees is a ray of sun shining through a crack in the wall. It shined on something shiny on the floor.
Max (talking to himself): Please be a key.
He swung his legs over the edge and stood up. He picked up the object and turned it over in his hand. It was a bobby pin. He suddenly flashed back to his days in Self Defense/McGyver 101 as he had called it. Sarah had told him to take it. You never know what could happen in NY she had said once. He suddenly had an idea.
Go on to Part Two
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