Back to Fan FictionUsual disclaimer:
Fran, Maxwell, Niles, C.C.. Maggie, Brighton all belong to: Fran Drescher, Peter Marc Jacobson, Sony Television, Sternin/Fraser Ink Inc, High School Sweethearts and Tri-Star Television, Inc. And anyone else who has a piece of "The Nanny".
Kenneth Garden is mine, as is the as yet unnamed Australian Emu millionaire.
Thanks to Tina, Luisa, and Barb for the many suggestions and for keeping me on track with this story and a special thanks to ET for her endless patience.
Niles and his trusty duster are at work. Humming mindlessly his thoughts on other things; Miss Babcock, lunch, Miss Babcock, dinner, ways of torturing Miss Babcock, how he is going to explain to Mr Sheffield the sudden increase of the mileage on his Porsche? There must be a way of turning back the clock, he wondered as he absent mindedly began to dust a small statuette, knocking it over, and catching it with his right hand as it fell.
He snapped a look at Mr Sheffield - but he didn't stir from his work. Dusting it carefully he replaced it as it was and, finding a remote he flicked on the TV and the mute button, and began surfing through the channels, settling on a promo for a TV movie.
Niles grimaced at the sight of a handsome actor with a sort of white flippy thing happening to his hair at the front, with the comment "Hack!", and turned off the set in disgust. Maxwell lifted his head and inquired "What was that Niles?" "Oh nothing sir", as he feigned a pathetic little cough, "Just the dust sir, cough cough". Moving on, he started on the desk light, sending up a cloud of dust.
"Blast it Niles! Can't you do that some other time man! I'm working!"
"- and I'm holidaying in Miami, sir" (under his breath).
"Mmm? What was that?"
"Would you like a pot of tea, sir?" changing the subject.
"Oh yes please .... and some of those little biscuit thingies that Miss Fine bought yesterday?"
"Yes sir" he added dryly.
"Hello! Hello!" came the familiar bell of C.C. voice as she entered the office smiling widely.
Niles reached for the remote again and pointed at C.C. "Damn, it doesn't work." She looked at him confused, her attention then drawn to Maxwell.
"You're very happy this morning C.C.-" greeted Maxwell.
"-Yes, did you finally get some action last night? Someone took you-"
"-out for walkies? Don't you ever get tired of the same old lines Niles? I mean you are getting so predictable these days." She opened her valise and took out some papers.
Niles just darted his smirking face from C.C. to Maxwell and back to C.C.. He suddenly grabbed her, dipped her, and planted a huge kiss on her lips, her papers slipped from her grasp onto the floor.
"NILES!" Maxwell stood and screamed, as he put her back on her feet, a little woozier for wear this time. "Just messing with her mind sir," he added as he left to get the tea.
C.C. slowly straightened her dress and de-smudged her lipstick with her finger, as she almost goofily watched him leave. It wasn't until her gaze fell back on Maxwell did she regain her composure and picked up her papers.
"Oh, Um I have to go out this morning Maxwell, I have to go out to have my license renewed-"
"-dog or drivers?" Niles added sticking his head back into the office.
"OH!! GET OUT!" She screamed at him.
Fran didn't often take cabs, But today she made an exception. The New York subway can be a dangerous place at the best of times, but yesterday she had been lucky that Val was with her and she had her Mace. A man, big and gross, had stood and offered to give her his seat, or so she had thought, but he had other ideas on his mind. A hand on her breast had been enough for her to connect with his groin with her knee, while Val had finished the job. These girls were not to messed with, which is probably why no one else in the compartment had bothered to help.
The cab pulled up to the front of the Sheffield mansion. Checking the meter, she handed the driver a twenty.
"Here you go honey. Ah....that's not all a tip, you know."
She should have saved her breath. A glance at his ID tag had been no help. An unpronounceable middle European name, and no obvious grasp of the English language, Queens or otherwise.
"Hey!" she yelled at him, but the cab door opened and another passenger got in. "Hey!" she yelled at the intruder. "H i," he said as he put his hand on her thigh.
The last he saw of her was her purse hitting him square in the face, and it was no ordinary empty purse. Fran is prepared for everything. She opened the off side door and slid out, as the cab sped away with her twenty dollars. "Oh I don't believe this," she whined and ran into the house.
"Niles! Niles! I've just been! . . . Actually I don't know what I've just been?"
Niles didn't stop to think. One look at her appearance told him something was wrong and he bolted out the door. When he returned a minute later, he was puffing but not winded. It was a long jog to the sidewalk for a man in his condition.
"Well, he's gone now. There's no sign of him! We should call the police. Are you sure you're all right Miss Fine?" He took her in his arms to comfort her. This was not really in his job description, but it made a nice change.
"Oh my god! What is going on with this town?! Today rapists, yesterday perverts- "
"-what about yesterday, Miss Fine?"
"Oh nothing. Some creep on the subway groped my breast, but me and Val took care of him! Now he will never have children!!" she added triumphantly.
"Uh, that's terrible."
"You're telling me! I know this guy for two seconds and he gets further with me than Mr Sheffield has in four years!"
"I'm going to tell Mr Sheffield -"
"- no you don't! . . I don't want him to know."
"What are you talking about, you don't want him to comfort you?"
"Ah . . . . Okay you have a point," she added running to the office, doing her best to make herself look the worse for the experience.
"Oh Mr Sheffield! Mr Sheffield!"
"What's the matter Miss Fine? What's happened?" He took her in his arms as she hugged him close. He could feel her heart racing against his chest.
"Oh! Oh! It was terrible! Some putz in a cab tried to grab me!"
"What! Where is he, I'll kill him!" he tried to let her go, but she was having none of it, holding him closer.
"Never mind sir, he's gone. It's already way past the nick of time.... sir." Niles was standing in the doorway with a smile on his face.
"Did you mention what happened on the subway yesterday Miss Fine?"
"What?!" Maxwell said, holding her at arms length.
"Noooo! I didn't!" as she pushed him away.
"What happened?"
"Never mind, I don't want you to have performance anxiety on top of your other problems."
Maxwell went to his desk and opened a drawer. "Miss Fine, I would like to give you something."
"Oh yeah?" she says sarcastically, "Are you going to take that back too?"
"NO.... I want to give you the keys to my Porsche, so you won't have to hail cabs and ride the subway. You will be safe."
"Oh! . . . but the Lambugini is nicer," she hinted, realizing she is on to something. He searched the drawer for the keys, but can't find them.
"Niles, where are the keys?"
"What! . . Me?! . . .The Porsche 911 Turbo convertible?" he answered, obviously faking hurt. "400 horsepower, Twin intercooled turbo, 6 speed stick, 0-60 in 4.4 seconds? Why do you immediately suspect me? . . . Oh all right," he guiltily took them off his key ring, and tossed them to Maxwell, and started to head for the door.
"By the way, it whines a bit in top over 150, I think it needs a good service," as he passes C.C. at the door. "And so do you."
"What!???"
"What? Nanny Fine in the Porsche? HA! The back seat isn't nearly big enough!"
"Well, you should know....... on second thought...... no you wouldn't," Niles said, grinning widely.
Niles and C.C. were in the kitchen discussing Fran's latest victory over Maxwell, when he walked through the door.
"Well what did the little tramp have to do to get this car, Maxwell?"
"Not what you think C.C., and I will thank you to keep your nose out of my personal business, and not to talk about the woman I . . . Well, just don't."
"Well, someone's a little defensive, today."
"Get used to it, blondie, you will have to drag the harbour for you own John Doe now," Niles cooed in her ear.
"Ooh Ooh, what time is it? I have to call my date."
"You have a date?" asked Niles. "I'll get the ouija board."
"A date? . . A man? C.C.! . . Where did she meet him?" Maxwell asked with relish, as he poured himself a cup. He always wanted the best for C.C., and in this case, what was best for C.C. was best for him - this would distract Fran.
"Oh, at the D.M.V., his name is Kenneth, and I met him when I was having my photo taken. See, here it is," she opened her pocket book and held the photo out for Maxwell to see. "That's him? Well I say, no wonder!"
"Let me see," asked Niles, now starting to feel a little jealous, a feeling he couldn't explain at that point. "No! Not your troll boy, you! I still don't believe you can actually be photographed." She took her license out and gave it to Maxwell, just to spite him.
"C.C., you're actually blushing in this photo! What did he do to you!" Niles snatched it from his hand. "Niles!"
"Sorry sir, I needed to see if she is an organ donor, I have some men coming this afternoon." She snatched it back, and put it away, and went back to her seat to finish her coffee. This she didn't need.
"Well, C.C. dating a man from the D.M.V. Who'd have thought?" Maxwell pondered, winking at Niles.
"Yes, it must be such a come down from her man from P.V.C.," added Niles, now feeling a little hurt, but still in for the fun.
"Dad!" Maggie said coming into the kitchen. "Brighton just told me that you gave your Porsche to Fran!"
"So?"
"That's so unfair! You wouldn't give me a car for my birthday!"
"That's because you are too young! Cars are not safe, especially with boys in them."
"But why did you give one to Fran?"
Fran flounced past on her way out, wearing a tube top and a very short black skirt and heels, twirling the keys in her fingers. "Oh Hi Honey!" she said to Maggie on her way out.
Maggie watched her go. "Oh," she said, and, giving up, headed back from where she came.
C.C. was leaving early to meet her man. Fran stood at the base of the landing, her arms folded, looking for all the world like a Jewish mother in Armani.
"So, what's his name? Where are you going? What does he do?"
"Please, Nanny Fine, you're not my mother, you already know everything, and anyway, I'm too old to be asked these questions."
"Don't let him hear you say that."
"Please, all he has to do to see how old she is, is look at her teeth." Niles said, getting her coat out of the closet and helping her into it.
C.C. gave him a look, "At least I have a date, Mr Ed!" she snapped as she swept out the front door. This would be her fourth date this week, she thought. A new personal record. HA! Life is good!
"Niles! Niles! Quick come here, I gotta a problem." Niles just stood looking at Fran gesturing wildly for him to follow her into the guest bathroom. He didn't like the look of this at all. She closed the door behind him, after taking one last quick look around to see if they were followed.
"Niles! Niles! I gotta stop Mr Sheffield from finding out!"
"Finding out what, Miss Fine."
"Well..... I sorta.... got.... a few parking tickets this week," she whined.
"Sorta got a few? . . . How few?"
"Five hundred dollars worth, I gotta stop him from finding out!"
"Five hundred dollars! Well perhaps you could make it really obvious so he will never guess," he helped dryly. She slapped his shoulder. It didn't help her.
"What can I do?" he asked.
"Well . . I thought, as you see the mail first thing, you could sorta take the notices out before Mr Sheffield sees them?"
"What! Me interfere with the US Mail? That's a Federal offense! I'd have disgruntled postal workers coming after me with AK 47's -- what's in it for me?"
"What do you want?" folding her arms and shifting her weight to one side.
"Well, I've got my eye on that pasta maker you've got under your bed. The one you got for your mother."
"Is that all?"
"No. I want something else." He was a little reluctant to tell her as it would really spill the beans.
"Whaat? Tell me," she reached for the faucet, and made to splash the front of his pants with water. "Or you're not getting out of here dry."
"I want you to split up Miss Babcock's relationship with Mr. D.M.V."
"What does this mean, Niles? Does this mean you have romantic feelings for Miss Babcock? That's so sweet." But the realization of what Niles had said hit her.
"Hey! What are you asking me to do, Niles?! You want me to break them up, seduce that young, handsome guy, and destroy Miss Babcock's life, and make her a miserable kvetchy wreck, like me? . . . Okay! But only because you love her."
Niles was in the kitchen when the door bell rang. "I'LL GET IT!" he screamed in his best Miss Fine voice, as he ran to the foyer and skidded to a stop. He adjusted his tie, glanced up the stairs and opened the door.
"Yes, can I help you, Sir," he asked, going into his best servile butler schtick.
"Hi, I'm Kenneth Garden, I'm here to pick up Miss C.C. Babcock."
"Ah, yes, Miss Babcock, I'll see if she is ready, please wait here sir." Niles only went as far as the living room and stopped behind the partition to listen. Kenneth's attention was almost instinctively drawn to the beautiful young woman now gliding down the staircase, dressed in what Maxwell would describe as a 'smashing outfit'.
"Hi, you must be Kenneth, I have heard so much about you." She almost sang, holding her hand for him to kiss, which he did.
"And who are you?"
"I'm Fran, The Nanny."
"My name is Kenneth, I'm here for C.C. -"
She rubbed her hand up and down his chest, and drew herself closer, making sure he could smell her perfume. He was caught in her eyes.
"So you're C.C.'s new D.M.V. man," looking him up and down languidly.
"I'm a J.A.P. myself," she says pointing to her chest.
"What's that?"
"A Jewish American Princess," she giggled. "Tell me . . Kenny . . are there any more men like you down at the D.M.V.? If there are, I'll have to bring my car in and have it. . . . . gone over," she added seductively.
"I can take care of it if you like . . . Fran. I give personal service"
Their lips by now were now almost touching as he gazed into her eyes, all thoughts of C.C. Babcock now removed from his mind. Until he heard a little yelp.
Niles didn't notice C.C. sneaking up behind him. Being goosed was his first and last indication. He jumped and let out a little yelp.
"What, spying again Niles? We will have to get you a Junior G Man badge for your birthday." Niles stared daggers at her, too shocked to say much else.
"Kenneth, you're here, are you ready to go?" giving him a kiss on the cheek.
"Miss Fine, you look like 'Cheap Tramp Barbie' in that dress, go on, go away, no one to do here. Come on Ken," she added as she as she shooed her away.
"Byyy Kenny!" Fran waved, and he gave her a little wave back as C.C. dragged him out the door.
"Kenny, Miss Fine? I do admire your work, but do you have to be so enthusiastic, it's only a scam!"
"Hey, these guys get really good pay and conditions, and a pension, and he's a babe! Where am I going to better than that around here?" looking at Maxwell as he walked by.
Maxwell, engrossed in his papers, stopped at this comment, although it didn't register. He looked at her slightly bemused.
"You look somehow different, Miss Fine. Have you done something to your hair?"
Mission Impossible this was not. She had driven to the D.M.V. to meet with Kenneth Garden. Getting a young handsome man to take an interest in her was always easy, but the combination of Fran in a Porsche was unbeatable. "But Thursday is sooner," she had said. The classics never fail.
Go on to Part Two
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