Back to Fan FictionBy Abby
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
Fran hunts down a mouse, mop and bread bin cover in hand. She traps it on
the floor with the bin cover and kneels over it, holding the mop like a
spear.
NILES ENTERS.
He kneels down next to her.
C.C. ENTERS.
NILES
Here, allow me. I'm good with
animals.
C.C.
So I've heard.
She laughs - alone. Niles lifts the bin cover. The mouse makes a b-line for C.C. who shrieks and then runs out of the room.
FRAN
Niles! Now we have to go through
all that again. Meanwhile, it was
definitely worth the entertainment
value.
INT. LIBRARY - LATER THAT MORNING
Maxwell and C.C. are working.
FRAN ENTERS.
FRAN
Mr. Sheffield, we've got a problem.
MAXWELL
Oh, there's that word again. Miss
Fine, couldn't you, just once, come
in here with some good news?
FRAN
OK. You know the smudge on the
Picasso?
MAXWELL
The Picasso has a smudge?!
FRAN
Not any more! And only a teensy
little bit of paint came off.
MAXWELL
I think I prefer the bloody bad
news.
FRAN
Well... we have... vermin.
MAXWELL
Vermin? Where?
FRAN
It's just one -- maybe that's a
verm -- and this morning it was
in the kitchen. Then, somehow, it
got away from Niles and took off
after Miss Babcock.
C.C.
Disgusting, repulsive beast.
MAXWELL
Oh C.C., it's just a stupid, pitiful
creature.
NILES ENTERS with tea.
C.C.
But at least he makes a decent cup
of tea.
She laughs - alone.
MAXWELL
Niles, would you call the
exterminator about our unwelcome
little guest?
NILES
(at C.C.) Oh, I don't know if
they're equipped to handle chronic
problems, sir.
MAXWELL
Oh, and as soon as Miss Davenport
gets here, show her in.
NILES EXITS.
C.C.
Davenport? That hussy. You know
she's only investing in this play
because she's interested in you.
MAXWELL
And what's so bad about that?
She's beautiful, intelligent, and
single. Not many of those just
hanging around, you know.
C.C. begins to respond. Fran stops her.
FRAN
Uh... honey. Trust me. When he gets
this dense, the Montauk lighthouse
couldn't cut through the fog.
INT. LIVING ROOM - THAT AFTERNOON
The doorbell rings. Niles answers. Katherine enters. She is a
beautiful, classy woman in her early forties. They are instantly attracted
to each other.
NILES
(flustered) Y-Y-You must be Miss
Davenport.
KATHERINE
Katherine. And you are?
NILES
Butler. The Niles.
KATHERINE
How do you do?
They shake hands.
NILES
Usually much better than this.
He takes her coat and recovers.
NILES
Mr. Sheffield has been expecting you.
If you'll follow me.
She checks out the rear view.
KATHERINE
Gladly.
THEY EXIT.
INT. LIBRARY - CONTINUOUS
Maxwell is at his desk.
NILES AND KATHERINE ENTER.
NILES
Miss Davenport to see you, sir.
MAXWELL
Thank you, Niles. That'll be all.
KATHERINE
Oh, Niles. Will you be... cloaking
me later on?
NILES
Oh, I hope so.
NILES EXITS, tripping over his feet.
MAXWELL
I wonder what's up with him. He's
usually the consummate professional.
KATHERINE
I think he's rather charming.
MAXWELL
Oh. Well. Shall we get down to
business? Here's the prospectus on
our new play.
She is daydreaming.
MAXWELL
Uh, I think you'll find it quite
impressive. My business partner has
done alot of research and...
KATHERINE
...Is he married?
MAXWELL
No, no. My business partner's a
woman. C.C. Babcock? I think you
two know each...
KATHERINE
...I meant Niles.
MAXWELL
Oh. Well, no he's not. Came close
once, I think.
KATHERINE
Do you think he'd like to see more
of me?
MAXWELL
(annoyed) Well, judging by the way
he was falling all over himself...
KATHERINE
Good. Well, that's enough business
for one day.
MAXWELL
But we haven't even discussed...
KATHERINE
...It all looks fine to me, Maxwell.
Have Miss... Bobworth draw up the
contract. I'll be by tomorrow.
Ciao...
SHE EXITS.
INT. FOYER - CONTINUOUS
KATHERINE ENTERS.
Niles bolts into room with her coat.
NILES
Your... cloak.
He helps her on with it.
NILES
That was a rather short business
meeting.
KATHERINE
Well, that's what happens
when you get... distracted.
He tries to speak, but can't spit out the words.
KATHERINE
Niles, would you like to have dinner
with me tomorrow night?
He nods enthusiastically.
KATHERINE
Good. I'll be by at seven.
SHE EXITS.
He shuts the door, collects himself, then does a little happy dance.
INT. DINING ROOM - NEXT MORNING
Fran, Maggie, Brighton, and Grace are standing on their chairs.
C.C. ENTERS.
C.C.
Oh, don't tell me you still haven't
gotten rid of that vile creature.
NILES ENTERS with orange juice.
C.C.
Nope. Guess not.
She laughs - alone, then stops abruptly.
C.C.
OK. How come when he nails me you
all get a tremendous kick out of it
but if I should happen to get in a
good one, the room suddenly becomes
a vacuum?
NILES
Because mine are good and yours...
suck. (to others) It's all right.
I chased Mickey under the fridge.
They climb down and are seated.
FRAN
So Niles, ready for the big date
tonight?
NILES
Miss Fine, this is not the Senior
Prom. I have been out on dates
before. It's no big deal.
FRAN
Then how come you're pourin' orange
juice into my coffee?
MAGGIE
Niles, you have a date? With who?
BRIGHTON
Is it that hot older chick that was
here yesterday?
NILES
Her name is Katherine and she's not
a "hot chick."
FRAN
Niles... defendin' her honor already?
How sweet, how chivalrous...
BRIGHTON
...how nauseating.
MAGGIE
Oh, you're such a cretin. I think
it's romantic.
BRIGHTON
You think brushing your teeth is
romantic.
MAGGIE
(giggling) Yeah.
FRAN
So, where are you taking her?
NILES
I'm not. She's taking me.
C.C.
Oh? A kept man? I didn't think
even you would stoop that low.
NILES
Better to be kept than discarded.
C.C.
Well! I have, once again, lost my
appetite. I will be in the library.
C.C. EXITS.
INT. LIVING ROOM - THAT AFTERNOON
Fran is reading on the couch. Niles is dusting. The doorbell rings.
Niles answers.
SYLVIA ENTERS and toddles over to Fran.
SYLVIA
There she is... my baby doll!
FRAN
Hi, Ma.
They embrace sweetly. Then, Sylvia slaps Fran's arm.
SYLVIA
And where have you been?
FRAN
What?
SYLVIA
The whole morning goes by
and not one word?
FRAN
Ma, who are you, Headquarters?
Since when do I have to check
in with you about every single
moment of my life?
SYLVIA
Since I bore you... painfully... for
three whole days.
FRAN
Ma, you told me I shot out like
a greased cannonball.
SYLVIA
So sue me.
The doorbell rings.
FRAN
Oh, Niles. That must be the
exterminator.
Sylvia freezes.
SYLVIA
Exterminator?
FRAN
Yeah, we have a mouse.
SYLVIA
See ya! Call me when its furry
little body is stiff and cold.
FRAN
But Ma, you just got here.
SYLVIA
Sorry, darling. This kinda news
I could live without.
Niles opens the door.
SYLVIA EXITS.
PHIL ENTERS, equipped with far too many weapons for one mouse.
PHIL
(with Schwarzenegger accent) I am
Phil, the exterminator. Where is
da vermin?
NILES
(imitating him) In da kitchen.
Follow me.
PHIL
(to Fran) Don't worry. I'll be back.
NILES AND PHIL EXIT.
INT. LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING
Fran is watching TV.
NILES ENTERS, dressed up, fiddling with his tie.
NILES
Miss Fine, could you help me with
this?
FRAN
Oh sure.
NILES
Like hell.
FRAN
So, did you remember the... you know?
NILES
The what, Miss Fine?
FRAN
You know, the... things.
NILES
Miss Fine, must I call a translator...
again?
FRAN
Niles. You know what I mean. The...
NILES
Miss Fine! On a first date?!
FRAN
Oh. Well. Of course not. I was
just makin' sure. Have a great time.
FRAN EXITS.
Niles takes out his wallet and furtively checks its contents.
The doorbell rings. Niles answers.
KATHERINE ENTERS in a stunning dress. They look each other over.
NILES/KATHERINE
Yowsa.
MAXWELL AND C.C. ENTER.
MAXWELL
Hello, Katherine.
KATHERINE
Maxwell. Miss Bobworth.
C.C.
Babcock.
KATHERINE
Whatever.
MAXWELL
I've got those papers ready for you
to sign.
KATHERINE
Oh, not now, Maxwell. We were just
on our way out. Ciao, Di Di.
C.C.
That's C.C.!
KATHERINE
Whatever.
NILES AND KATHERINE EXIT. Maxwell and C.C. fume.
MAXWELL
"Oh, not now Maxwell."
C.C.
"Ciao, Di Di."
MAXWELL
How infuriating!
C.C.
How rude!
MAXWELL
What does she see in him anyway?
He's a butler!
C.C.
Maxwell! You're jealous!
MAXWELL
I am not!
C.C.
And what could either of you possibly
see in her? She's an obnoxious,
ruthless, back-stabbing hussy.
FRAN ENTERS.
FRAN
Don't they make a great couple?
MAXWELL AND C.C. EXIT in a huff.
FRAN
What?
PHIL ENTERS and breezes through the room, stalking the mouse.
PHIL
You cannot hide forever, my lit-tle
friend.
PHIL EXITS.
FRAN
Y'know, this has been one hell of a weird
day!
INT. LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER
Fran, Maggie, Brighton, and Grace are seated around the coffee table
playing Scattergories.
FRAN
Pizza toppings startin' with "N."
OK Sweetie, what did you put?
GRACE
Napalm.
FRAN
Ohhhh. How... original. Maggie?
MAGGIE
Nuclear waste.
FRAN
Boy, talk about an angry generation.
GRACE
What did you put, Fran?
FRAN
Nectarines.
MAGGIE/BRIGHTON/GRACE
Eeewww!
FRAN
That gets "eeewww?"
And I suppose a glow-in-the-dark
deep dish is appetizing?
BRIGHTON
Only with the right wine.
FRAN
OK mister, so what did you put?
BRIGHTON
No Cheese.
FRAN/MAGGIE/GRACE
No Cheese?!
They protest.
BRIGHTON
What?
FRAN
That's not a topping. A topping is
something you add. "No cheese" is a
non-topping.
BRIGHTON
Huh?
FRAN
It's like callin' "no mayo" a
condiment.
BRIGHTON
Tell me something. If you want a
pizza without cheese, you have to
order it with "no cheese," right?
FRAN
But you're not adding "no cheese,"
you're just not usin' it in the first
place!
GRACE
Boy, this is starting to sound like
my philosophy discussion group.
MAXWELL ENTERS and breezes through the room.
MAXWELL
Hello, everyone.
BRIGHTON
Dad, settle this. Is "no cheese"
a pizza topping?
MAXWELL
Of course. How else could you get
a bloody pizza without cheese?
MAXWELL EXITS.
FRAN
It must be a gender thing. Common
sense versus "no sense," or is it
non-sense?
INT. FOYER - LATE THAT EVENING
The house is dark.
NILES AND KATHERINE ENTER.
KATHERINE
Well.
NILES
Well.
He removes her coat then slips his arm around her waist and kisses her neck.
KATHERINE
So. Are you going to give me a tour?
NILES
Sure. (gesturing vaguely) This is
the house... OK, we're done.
He offers her his arm and leads her down the hall.
NILES
And now for the entertainment portion
of our tour.
THEY EXIT.
INT. FRAN'S ROOM - NEXT MORNING
Fran is seated at her vanity, in her underwear, putting on makeup. She
spies the mouse, shrieks, and throws various items at it. Phil emerges
from the closet. She shrieks again and grabs her robe.
FRAN
Phil! How the hell did you get
in there?!
PHIL
I followed da varmint in there last
night.
FRAN
You mean, you've been in the closet
the whole time?!
PHIL
I wasn't sure if I should come out.
FRAN
Well, I think you made the right
decision. After all, it is the
'90's... Wait a minute! You were
in there all last night? While I
was sleeping? (gasps) While I was...
Fran shrieks as the mouse scurries out the door.
PHIL EXITS after it.
FRAN
Man, I better call The National
Enquirer. I got Mickey Mouse and
the Terminator comin' out of the
closet at the same time.
INT. HALLWAY OUTSIDE NILES' ROOM - A BIT LATER
Niles opens the door, dressed in his pajamas.
FRAN ENTERS.
FRAN
Good morning, Niles.
NILES
(startled) Miss Fine.
FRAN
So, how was the date?
NILES
Oh... it was very nice.
FRAN
Oh c'mon, give me the dirt.
NILES
None to give, Miss Fine.
FRAN
Yeah, right. (noting his PJ's)
Niles, shouldn't you be serving
breakfast by now?
NILES
(alarmed) What time is it?
FRAN
8:15.
NILES
Oh, God. Miss Fine, cover for me.
I'll be right in.
He ducks back into the room.
FRAN EXITS.
PHIL ENTERS and breezes by, still stalking the mouse.
The door opens again. Niles stumbles out, pulling on his pants. Katherine
appears in the doorway, wearing one of his nightshirts.
KATHERINE
How suave.
NILES
Shhhh! Get back in there and get
dressed!
KATHERINE
Why?
NILES
Because, if you don't, I'm going to
become "occupationally challenged."
KATHERINE
I reiterate. Why?
NILES
Because there are three young
children living here, and this
situation doesn't exactly spell
"role model."
KATHERINE
You mean to tell me, no one in this
house ever...
NILES
No.
KATHERINE
Oh, you poor thing
She tries to pull him back into the room.
NILES
No, no. I have to get to work.
And you have to get out of here.
KATHERINE
OK -- you go. I'll take care of me.
NILES
Thank you.
He kisses her briefly.
NILES EXITS, tripping up the hallway.
INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Maxwell, Maggie, Brighton, and Grace are seated at the table. They all
look very tired.
Fran pours coffee.
NILES ENTERS, stumbling into the room, dressed but disheveled, and takes
over from Fran.
NILES
(out of breath) Thank you, Miss Fine.
Sorry, I'm late sir.
I had trouble sleeping.
MAXWELL
So you heard those fighting
cats, too? That ridiculous moaning
kept everyone awake all night.
GRACE
Yeah. One sounded like a boy cat
and the other sounded like a girl
cat.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Katherine sneaks down the hall.
C.C. ENTERS from the front door.
Katherine freezes.
KATHERINE
Di Di.
C.C.
C.C.
KATHERINE
Whatever. I was just leaving.
Had to sign those papers.
C.C.
This early?
KATHERINE
Uh...
C.C. slowly comprehends what's going on.
C.C.
(slyly) Hmmm, nice dress. But, gee...
haven't I seen it before? Oh yes,
last night. Here. Right before
you and Niles... Ohhhh, you little
vixen, you.
KATHERINE
Look...
C.C.
Oh, I knew if I was patient I'd
eventually get rewarded.
(skyward) Thank you! (to Katherine)
You do know what'll happen if Maxwell
finds out? Bye, bye Niles...
KATHERINE
Then bye, bye investment.
C.C.
Oh, c'mon. You're desperate for
this deal and everyone knows it.
KATHERINE
Where did you hear that?
C.C.
Oh, please. It was all over the
steam room weeks ago. And even so,
do you mean to tell me you'd give up
a lucrative business deal over him?
He's a butler!
KATHERINE
And that, my dear, is why you sit
at home on weekends with a bottle of
Chivas watching Steel Magnolias.
You won't even glance at a man who's
not attached to a Fortune 500 dossier.
I bet you didn't know that he's funny,
smart... and skillful. You know, that
feather duster is multi-purpose.
Money isn't everything, Di Di.
PAUSE.
C.C.
And? That's it?! "Money isn't
everything?" Ha! I'm afraid
you're going to have to do better
than that.
INT. DINING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
Maxwell finishes his coffee. Niles clears the table.
MAXWELL
(coldly) So. How'd it go with
Katherine last night?
NILES
Pleasant enough, sir.
MAXWELL
Really? I don't suppose it could
have been much fun, what with you
two coming from such different
backgrounds and all. You probably
had very little to talk about.
NILES
Oh, on the contrary, sir. We talked
all night... uh... through dinner. She's
really very down-to-earth and quite
witty, too. Not to mention charming
and beautiful and...
MAXWELL
She didn't happen to mention me at
all, did she? I mean, with the
business deal and all.
NILES
No, sir. Not a peep. In fact,
business didn't come up at...
MAXWELL
Well! Look at the time. Duty calls.
In fact, Katherine's probably trying
to get a hold of me as we speak.
NILES
(sotto) Not likely.
MAXWELL
Oh Niles, I noticed that you haven't
finish waxing the parquet floor yet.
I'm having a few guests over and it
looks just dreadful.
NILES
But sir, you said it didn't need to
be done until...
MAXWELL
And my navy blue suit needs pressing.
Oh, and better snazz up the green
tweed as well.
NILES
(coldly) Yes, sir. (sotto) And
then, perhaps, I could build you a
pyramid or two.
NILES EXITS.
INT. LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
C.C.
That's the deal.
KATHERINE
But that's blackmail.
C.C.
(smugly) I know.
KATHERINE
Let me get this straight. I have
to withdraw my investment offer and
keep my distance from Maxwell or
you'll tell him all about this.
C.C.
Right.
KATHERINE
But I'm seeing Niles. What does
Maxwell have to do with anything?
C.C.
Because. For some insane reason, he
thinks he's smitten with you
KATHERINE
Ohhhhhhh. And you.....
C.C.
Uh-huh.
KATHERINE
And what if I don't agree to your
terms?
C.C.
Then... not only will I spill the
beans and get Niles fired, but next
time I'm cleansing my pores I'll just
have to let it slip about your little
tryst... with a butler. Ruin you in
an instant.
KATHERINE
Witch.
C.C.
Slut.
KATHERINE
Snob.
C.C.
Hussy.
KATHERINE
Liberal.
C.C. gasps in horror.
C.C.
Touché, woman! Wow, you're almost
as good as Niles.
KATHERINE
Oh Di Di, you're just as wicked as
they say! Deal!
They high-five each other.
C.C.
It's C.C.
KATHERINE
I know.
KATHERINE EXITS.
PHIL ENTERS and breezes through the room, carrying the dead mouse.
PHIL
Hasta la vista... ba-by.
C.C.
(smugly) Ex-actly.
INT. LIBRARY - NEXT DAY
Maxwell is on the phone. Niles is tidying up. Fran sits on the desk.
MAXWELL
Well then, good riddance!
He slams down the phone.
C.C. appears in the doorway, unseen, and eavesdrops. She is unaware of
Fran's presence.
MAXWELL
Of all the nerve!
NILES
Something wrong, sir?
MAXWELL
Sorry man, but it's your girlfriend.
She just withdrew her investment and
cost me a fortune! Said she simply
"lost interest." Just like that!
What an obnoxious, ruthless,
back-stabbing hussy!
NILES
(sighs) Yes.
MAXWELL
Niles... forget about waxing the
floor and all that stuff. In fact,
take the rest of the week off. I
feel just awful about the way I
treated you.
NILES
Oh... that's all right, sir. I'm
sure I'll get over it. I always do.
NILES EXITS, throwing a smug grin at C.C. on the way out.
MAXWELL
To think I could actually be
interested in that... Jezebel when
there's a beautiful, intelligent,
wonderful woman right here under my
nose.
C.C. gets all excited and enters the doorway. Maxwell turns to Fran.
FRAN
Oh, Mr. Sheffield...
C.C. freezes as Fran and Maxwell kiss and embrace passionately, sending various desk items crashing to the floor. Niles appears behind C.C. and whispers in her ear.
NILES
Way to go... Di Di.
C.C. slowly turns toward Niles and throws him a death stare. Suddenly, he bolts out of sight. She picks up one of the Tony awards.
C.C.
I wonder if these are multi-purpose, too.
SHE EXITS.
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