|
COLD OPENING
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - EARLY MORNING
FRAN AND MAXWELL ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR. THEY CARRY BAGS AND SUITCASES INSIDE.
FRAN
Aaah, home. Well, this is it, honey. Back to normal.
MAXWELL
Yes, back to normal. (LOOKS AT HIS WATCH) I really have to call that backer! Can you check in on the children, Miss Fine? (OFF HER DARK LOOK) Just kidding. From now on, everyday life will be like this. |
MAXWELL DIPS FRAN AND KISSES HER. NILES ENTERS FROM THE HALLWAY.
NILES
Oh, you're back.
FRAN
Uh, Niles. (TO MAXWELL) You're back alright.
NILES
I'm sorry to interrupt. I didn't expect you to return so soon.
MAXWELL
We've been gone for weeks, man.
NILES
Time sure flies when you're having fun. |
FRAN EYES NILES AND GESTURES TO HER HAIR. NILES MIMICS HER MOVE AND FINDS A FEATHER STUCK IN HIS HAIR.
FRAN
Fun, hah?
NILES
Seems like I've been dusting too vigorously. |
C.C. ENTERS WITH NILES' FEATHER DUSTER IN HER HANDS.
C.C.
Maxwell, you're back! So, how was it? Any fights?
FRAN
Ooh, you bet!
C.C.
(ELATED) Really?
FRAN
Oh yeah. He's a real animal.
C.C.
Well, when you spend every single second together, conflict is inevi-- What?
FRAN
I tell ya, this guy--
MAXWELL
(INTERRUPTING, TEASINGLY) Shh, don't tell all. They still work for me. |
MAXWELL WHISPERS SOMETHING IN FRAN'S EAR. THEY LAUGH AND EXIT BY THE STAIRCASE.
| C.C.
(TO NILES) Any more brilliant theories? I knew it was a mistake to leave them alone on their honeymoon! |
C.C. HITS NILES ON THE HEAD WITH THE DUSTER AND EXITS.
| NILES
If I only knew where she picked up that habit. |
FADE OUT.
END OF COLD OPENING
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY
FRAN AND NILES EACH OCCUPY A CHAIR. SHE TELLS HIM ABOUT THE HONEYMOON.
FRAN
...tropical storm, and the shutters just kept flapping in the wind all the time.(SWALLOWS HER COFFEE) Oh, and when the electricity came back on? I tell ya, it was a real shocker.
NILES
He looks that bad?
FRAN
Noo! I meant a real shocker! How was I to tell the rope we were using was electric wire. (OFF HIS LOOK) Rope, to bind the shutters!
NILES
Hmm. I'm sure you produced sparks alright.
FRAN
Well, yeah. Oh, and then there was the ongoing hassle with that photographer.
NILES
I don't recall seeing those pictures.
FRAN
Niles... Seriously, one of those paparazzi got wind of our honeymoon and took pics all the time. And I mean all the time. (RUMMAGING THROUGH HER POCKETS, TO HERSELF) Now where did I leave his number? Oh well, I'll buy the mag. Anyway, this guy drove Max crazy. Wherever we went, he went. It was like he knew our complete agenda. |
C.C. ENTERS WITH A MOBILE PHONE.
C.C.
(TO THE PHONE) Promotion Limited? C.C. Babcock. I'm calling about a photo shoot. (TRAILING OFF) Ah hah...
NILES
What happened then?
FRAN
Well, eventually he slipped up-- |
C.C. SLIPS AND FALLS DOWN.
FRAN (CONT'D)
...and we neva saw him no more.
NILES
(OFF C.C.) I like a happy ending. |
C.C. GETS UP AND EXITS. MAGGIE, BRIGHTON AND GRACE ENTER THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR, CHATTERING.
FRAN
Is that you guys? Oh, let me look at you! (GASPING) B., you've grown at least three inches! Oh, how I missed ya!
BRIGHTON
(BACKING OFF FROM HER HUG) Ho, Fran, cool it. Go hug Maggie, she needs the experience. |
BRIGHTON EXITS WITH A PECULIAR WALK.
GRACE
(OFF FRAN'S SURPRISE) He's been hanging around with this gang.
FRAN
Oh. Right. Meanwhile, how was summer camp, sweetie? Ya learned a lot?
GRACE
Oh, yes. (OVERACTING) I loved being in acting class. It is so thrilling to have all these people kiss your butt. (PUTTING UP SUNGLASSES) If you'll excuse me, I have to practice on my autograph now.
FRAN
Ah. Sure honey. Whatever. |
GRACE EXITS.
FRAN
(TO MAGGIE) Well. Seems like it's just you an-- Maggie! What are you wearing?
MAGGIE
I'm sorry, Fran, I'll put it back in your closet.
FRAN
I bet you're sorry! I'm gone for a coupla weeks, and already you forget all I taught ya? The fashion label on this dress musta expired three months ago! Oh, I've been neglecting you kids! |
C.C. AND GRACE ENTER ARM IN ARM.
GRACE
(TO C.C.) And what did you say to the director then?
C.C.
Nothing. But I ripped up his contract. Right in front of his eyes. |
C.C. AND GRACE LAUGH HEARTILY. MAXWELL AND BRIGHTON ENTER ARGUING.
MAXWELL
No, Brighton, I won't buy you a motorcycle. It is far too dangerous.
BRIGHTON
Oh, gimme a break. Hey, Fran, tell the old man here he's gonna buy me a Harley.
FRAN
Not with that attitude, young man.
BRIGHTON
Wha? Oh, I get it. You're on his side now, hah?
FRAN
(LOOKING AT HER WEDDING RING, BEAMING) Yeah.
BRIGHTON
Okay. Then I don't know you no more. Fine.
FRAN
It's Sheffield. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. KITCHEN - LATER THAT DAY
FRAN AND NILES ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE.
FRAN
Oh, Niles, this is getting complicated. Wifely duties, motherly duties... I wish we were still on that boat. At least there everything was duty-free.
NILES
Surely it can't be that difficult? You've been a nanny for years.
FRAN
Yeah, but I'm their mother now! That's something completely different. Oh, Niles, you gotta help me there. What do mothers do?
NILES
(THINKING) Polishing, mopping, doing the dishes, getting the groceries.
FRAN
Nah, I don't wanna cost you your job. (OFF HIS LOOK) But I don't know any of these things.
NILES
Well, you do know how to do the laundry.
FRAN
Me? Ya kidding?
NILES
Then how come all the clothes in your suitcases are clean? (REALIZING) Oh. |
SFX: OVEN PINGS
FRAN
Seriously, Niles, what does a mother do?
NILES
(PULLING A CAKE OUT OF THE OVEN) This?
FRAN
Baking?
NILES
Eating.
FRAN
Now that I know. (CONSIDERING) Meanwhile, this cookin' ain't a bad idea. You wanna teach me?
NILES
Out of the question. This kitchen is a man's place.
FRAN
Oh, Niles... For the children? Please? |
CUT TO A MONTAGE OF THE FOLLOWING SCENES:
FRAN ADDS THE CONTENTS OF A PACKAGE TO A BOWL OF DOUGH. NILES JERKS THE PACK OUT OF HER HANDS AND POINTS TO THE LABEL "SALT" ON IT.
POTS BOIL OVER ON THE BURNERS. FRAN TALKS ANIMATED ON THE MOBILE PHONE. NILES RUNS IN IN PANIC.
FRAN STIRS IN A POT AND OFFERS THE SPOON TO NILES. NILES DIGS OUT AN EARRING.
FRAN GESTICULATES APOLOGETICALLY WITH A FRYING PAN. NILES STANDS NEXT TO HER, A PANCAKE ON HIS HEAD.
THE DOOR BETWEEN TO THE DINING ROOM OPENS AND A CLOUD OF SMOKE EMERGES FROM THE KITCHEN. FRAN RUNS INTO THE DINING ROOM, COUGHING. NILES WALKS IN BACKWARDS WHILE HE EMPTIES A FIRE EXTINGUISHER.
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
THE KITCHEN IS SHAMBLES. FRAN AND NILES ARE AT THE KITCHEN TABLE. THEY BOTH LOOK A MESS AND NILES' HEAD AND LEFT HAND ARE IN BANDAGES.
SYLVIA ENTERS BY THE BACK DOOR.
SYLVIA
(LOOKING AROUND EXUBERANTLY) Wow, Niles, you really outdid yourself this time! What have ya got?
FRAN
(PROUDLY) Show her, Niles!
NILES
(TAKING AWAY THE BOWL FROM A PLATTER) Boiled egg?
SYLVIA
You big tease, you. Come on, impress me!
NILES
I'm sorry, Sylvia, there's nothing edible left. Your daughter just ruined a week's supplies worth of groceries.
SYLVIA
(TO FRAN) You did what?
NILES
And then I'm not even sure I can cook in my present condition.
SYLVIA
(TO FRAN) You better have a real good excuse, young lady!
FRAN
I'm sorry, Ma. I was just trying to find myself a place here.
SYLVIA
Well, look somewhere else. This place is mine. Go pamper that husband of yours a bit. |
FRAN EXITS.
SYLVIA
Poor baby. She hurt you bad?
NILES
(WHIMPERING) Yes... |
SYLVIA TOUSLES HIS HAIR AND FINDS A FEATHER.
SYLVIA
Now where did this come from?
NILES
Must be from plucking that chicken. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
INT. OFFICE - CONTINUOUS
MAXWELL IS AT HIS DESK. C.C. OPENS THE TOP CARTON OF A WHOLE PILE OF BOXES. FRAN DARTS IN.
FRAN
Hi, sweetie, wha'd ya doing?
MAXWELL
Hi Fran. I'm busy. (OFF HER POUTING) I'm sorry, honey. But look at this desk! C.C., where did all this come from? It's almost as if you've been saving up work until my return.
C.C.
Me? (EMPTYING A BOX OF PAPERWORK ON THE DESK) Nooo... Oh, look, here's a couple of ideas for the Hamlet backdrops. |
C.C. HANDS MAXWELL A PORTFOLIO. FRAN JUMPS ON THE DESK.
FRAN
(OFF THE SKETCHES) Ooh, what have we got here? Dark clouds, foaming sea, mist rolling in... Boy, I hope they don't throw thistles at the actors!
C.C.
Look, Nanny Fine (OFF HER LOOK) Alright, Franny Fine. This is an original Monet and he is in high demand these days.
FRAN
Sure. With thatta name, no wonder!
MAXWELL
Monet, Fran. And work of his hands does go for millions.
FRAN
Oh. Well. (GIVING HIM A SENSUAL LOOK) Meanwhile, work of my hands comes totally free. |
MAXWELL CLOSES THE PORTFOLIO AND SHOVES HIS CHAIR BACK. FRAN SITS DOWN ON HIS LAP.
MAXWELL
(SURPRISED) I didn't know you painted.
FRAN
You bet, honey. Got a brush?
C.C.
(AGITATED) Maxwell, you need to work on this show!
FRAN
(TO C.C.) Wha, ya don't like our performance? (TO MAXWELL) Maybe we need to rehearse some more.
MAXWELL
(RELUCTANTLY) I'm sorry, Fran, but C.C.'s right. I really have a lot to do.
FRAN
(OFF THE CLOSED PORTFOLIO) I thought you were finished.
MAXWELL
No, unfortunately, I'm not done.
FRAN
(BRUSHING HIS LAPELS) Well, if you'd let me... (OFF HIS PLEADING LOOK) Alright, I'm going, I'm going. (RETREATING TO THE DOOR) See, I'm leaving. I'm outta here. Ya sure you don't want me to sta-- |
FRAN DISAPPEARS AS C.C. SLAMS THE DOOR.
MAXWELL
C.C.!
C.C.
Maxwell, would you please cut it out? You left me here for weeks, alone with that butler, while you were gone with that woman.
MAXWELL
Well, she is my wife. And it was our honeymoon.
C.C.
(TWITCHING) Well, I am your partner, and it is a full moon.
MAXWELL
Oh, come on, C.C.... |
C.C. GROWLS MENACINGLY.
| MAXWELL (CONT'D)
Alright, alright. Calm down. Hush. |
FRAN ENTERS THE PATIO. SHE PUTS A POT OF FLOWERS ON THE PATIO TABLE.
| MAXWELL (CONT'D)
Oh, but would you look at her? Don't you understand I could just throw myself at-- |
C.C. CLOSES THE CURTAINS.
| MAXWELL (CONT'D)
...work. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR
INT. MASTER BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT
FRAN GETS READY FOR BED.
FRAN
(SHOUTING) Honey, you gonna need much longer?
MAXWELL
(OFF SCREEN) Just a second.
FRAN
(TO HERSELF) Oh, what's taking him? I want him in bed, and I want him now. (YAWNING) I could really use my rest. |
FRAN FALLS FLAT ON THE BED. MAXWELL ENTERS, WEARING A ROBE.
MAXWELL
Fran? You're gonna spend the first night in our own bed sleeping?
FRAN
(MOANING) I'm sorry, honey. It's that I've had so much excitement today already.
MAXWELL
(LYING DOWN NEXT TO HER) Really? I don't recall being a part of it.
FRAN
You weren't. I was talking 'bout me and Niles experimenting in the kitchen.
MAXWELL
Oh. That. How is he?
FRAN
Well, he's got some nasty burns. I guess I was too hot to handle. But he'll be alright. I just have to find someone to replace him in the kitchen for a week. And, of course, Ma wants to try out every candidate herself.
MAXWELL
(ROLLING HIS EYES) There's a surprise. Look, darling, can we leave your mother out of this room?
FRAN
(SITTING UP IN HORROR) Please! Don't always draw me a picture. Now I'm gettin' all these weird ideas.
MAXWELL
Sorry.
FRAN
Meanwhile, we have a bigger problem at our hands. I didn't like how the kids acted today.
MAXWELL
Well, I agree Grace could use some more practice. (OFF HER LOOK) Sorry. Producer's reflex.
FRAN
That like a tennis elbow? Oh well, I'm sure I'll get them back to normal. They just need some motherly attention.
MAXWELL
Hmm. I could use some motherly attention, too. |
FRAN MOVES OVER AND KISSES HIM.
SFX: A BRIGHT LIGHT FLASHES
| MAXWELL
Oh no, he's here again! Take cover! |
MAXWELL DISAPPEARS UNDER THE COVERS.
SFX: THUNDER CRASHES
FRAN
Hush, honey. It's just some lightning.
MAXWELL
(REAPPEARING) Ah. For a second, I was reminded of... (LOOKING AT FRAN) Ow, come here! |
HE THROWS HER OVER AND KISSES HER.
SFX: THUNDER CRASHES.
SFX: THE LIGHTS FLICKER AND GO OUT.
FRAN YELLS.
MAXWELL
What's wrong?
FRAN
(PANTING) Nothing, nothing. I just had a thousand volts running through my body, that's all. |
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. DINING ROOM - THE NEXT MORNING
THE FAMILY HAS BREAKFAST. FRAN ENTERS FROM THE KITCHEN WITH SOME BOWLS.
BRIGHTON
This oughta be great. Her doing the cooking.
FRAN
Now, B., even I can take care of breakfast. Niles just taught me how to make eggs.
MAGGIE
(OFF HER BOWL) Ugh. What's this?
FRAN
Instant egg. (OFF MAGGIE'S LOOK) Look, we're out of eggs, alright? Meanwhile, this is very nutritious. The label said it contains eight different preservatives.
BRIGHTON
And yet, it seems to be alive.
MAGGIE
What did the label say about heating this stuff?
MAXWELL
Margaret, I'm sure Fran's doing the best she can.
BRIGHTON
Now, that's the truth. (TASTING THE LIQUID) Hey, this is great! We can use this in our initiation rite.
MAXWELL
Brighton, stop exaggerating and eat this, this... Er, Fran, what is this?
FRAN
Substitute bacon. It's kosher. (TO GRACE) Why aren't you eating, sweetie?
MAGGIE
Yeah, tough question.
GRACE
I'm on a diet.
FRAN
Oh, honey, that's no reason! Ma's on a diet all the time.
GRACE
I'm sorry, Fran. I only eat fruit. C.C. says an actress has to look after her complexion.
FRAN
Honey, once you're on that stage, they smear an inch-thick layer on your complexion. And those creams are not fat-free. (LICKS HER LIPS, PULLS AN UGLY FACE) Yet, they taste awful.
GRACE
But C.C. says that at my age, the wrong food can give you zits.
FRAN
Honey, trust me. C.C. was neva your age. Now eat.
MAGGIE
I'm sorry, Fran, I really can't taste this.
BRIGHTON
Tss, she's got all the luck.
MAGGIE
Dad, can I have breakfast at Tiffany's?
FRAN
Hey, that's a great idea! We'll rent a movie.
MAGGIE
Er, Fran, my friend Tiffany?
FRAN
Oh. Well. I was hoping to do something together today. You know, as a family. |
SFX: MOTORS ROARING
SFX: TIRES SCREECHING
| BRIGHTON
(JUMPING UP) Well, there's the family. See ya guys. |
BRIGHTON EXITS.
C.C. ENTERS
C.C.
(TO GRACE) You ready, Grace?
FRAN
(TO C.C.) You know her name?
GRACE
She knows a lot of names. (TO C.C.) Who are we gonna meet today?
C.C.
Oh, what's his name again? Sounded Italian. Di-cameo something.
FRAN
(ASIDE) Knows a lot of names, hah?
GRACE
(ECSTATIC) DiCaprio? Leo DiCaprio?
C.C.
Yes, that's it.
MAGGIE
Oh, can I come, can I come, can I come?
C.C.
Sure. You can carry my bag.
GRACE
(WHINING) But you said I could carry your bag. |
C.C., MAGGIE AND GRACE EXIT.
FRAN
(SIGHING, TO MAXWELL) Looks like it's just you and me. (THEN) Wait a minute. When did that become a bad thing? (GETTING UP) Well, better clear this table. (OFF MAXWELL'S PLATE) Are ya gonna finish that?
MAXWELL
(APOLOGETIC) I'm not really very hungry.
FRAN
Ah, how sweet. (OFF HIS INQUIRING LOOK) Weren't ya gonna say you feed on love alone? |
MAXWELL LOOKS AT HIS PLATE. THEN HE PULLS FRAN CLOSER.
| MAXWELL
(TEASINGLY) Seems like you leave me no choice. |
NILES ENTERS.
MAXWELL
Ah. Uh. Niles. Where have you been?
NILES
I had breakfast at Tiffany's. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE TWO
INT. OFFICE - LATER THAT DAY
MAXWELL IS AT HIS DESK. FRAN PUTS THEIR WEDDING PICTURE UP ON THE WALL.
FRAN
How's that?
MAXWELL
A bit more to the left, honey. Hmm, and now a little higher. Ho, stop, that's it! Yes! Right there! |
C.C. ENTERS BRISKLY.
C.C.
Alright, now knock it off. This is an offi--
MAXWELL
Ah, C.C., there you are. We could use an extra hand here.
C.C.
You do? Uh... Okay. For you, anything.(OFF WEDDING PICTURE) Maxwell, where's your trophy?
FRAN
Right here, honey.
C.C.
Not you. The trophy for outstanding performance.
FRAN
Yeah, so?
C.C.
(THROWING FRAN A DARK LOOK) The one the president gave him.
FRAN
Nah, no longer valid. |
GRACE AND MAGGIE ENTER. THEY WEAR COPIES OF C.C.'S CLOTHING. MAGGIE STRUGGLES WITH C.C.'S COAT, AN UMBRELLA, A BRIEFCASE AND TWO BAGS. GRACE CARRIES A TRAY WITH A FLOWER IN A VASE, A PIECE OF CAKE AND A BOTTLE OF JACK DANIEL'S ON A BED OF PEBBLES.
FRAN
(GASPS) What have you done to my babies?
GRACE
Here is your drink, Miss Babcock.
C.C.
(OFF THE GLASS) What is this?
GRACE
Whiskey.
C.C.
Not that. That!
GRACE
Rocks.
C.C.
What?
GRACE
But you said--
C.C.
I know what I said.
MAXWELL
C.C., would you care to explain what is going on here?
C.C.
I'm teaching your daughters how they can work their way up in showbiz.
MAGGIE
C.C. says that these clothes impress men.
FRAN
(SNORTING) Impede, rather.
C.C.
Franny dear, with all due respect-- (ASIDE) Hah, that's a good one! You know nothing about power dressing.
FRAN
Oh no? Niles taught me all about that! Olive oil, vinegar, and a spoonful of chili!
C.C.
(PICKING UP THE PIECE OF CAKE) Sure, honey, you just be the good housewife. (TAKES A BITE, PULLS AN UGLY FACE) Ugh, I can't wait to have Niles back in the kitchen! |
NILES ENTERS.
C.C. (CONT'D)
I said: in the kitchen.
NILES
Phonecall from the theater, Sir. Apparantly, there's a strike going on.
C.C.
What? Those obnoxious, ungrateful, little wannabe's! I guess taking away their lunch break wasn't enough to teach 'em a lesson.
MAXWELL
Niles, get the car. (OFF C.C.) It looks like I'm needed there myself.
FRAN
(WORRIED) Want me to go with you?
MAXWELL
(CONSIDERING) Yes, why not. (THEN, SMILING) They may be in need of a short skirt there. |
FRAN, GRACE AND MAGGIE RUSH PAST NILES AND EXIT. IN PASSING, MAGGIE PICKS A FEATHER FROM NILES' HAIR.
| NILES
(TO MAGGIE) I've been making the beds. |
NILES EXITS. C.C. PULLS MAXWELL BY THE ARM.
C.C.
Maxwell, you can't take her to the theater?!
MAXWELL
C.C., she's my wife. I can take her wherever I want. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE THREE
INT. MAIN THEATER STAGE - LATER THAT DAY
A BAND OF ACTORS ARE SITTING ON THE STAGE. THEY HAVE BANNERS AND SIGNS READING "NO WITCH HAS THE POWER TO CHARM" AND "FADE, LIKE A GUILTY THING!". MAXWELL AND FRAN ENTER.
| FRAN
(OFF BANNERS) My God, what has C.C. done to these people? |
JOE, THE ACTORS' REPRESENTATIVE, WALKS UP TO MAXWELL.
JOE
Joe Campbell, Sir. I'd like to discuss a coupla issues with you.
MAXWELL
Yes, well, certainly. (OFF SIGNS) Look, er, who exactly are you refering to there?
JOE
Where?
MAXWELL
(OFF BANNERS) Uh, there, "witch"...
JOE
Oh, that. That's just to help us memorize our lines. |
MAXWELL SIGHS RELIEVED. C.C. ENTERS.
JOE (CONT'D)
(OFF C.C., TO MAXWELL) You brought the dragon?
MAXWELL
Er, yes, well... I've been away for a while. (FIRMLY) But I'm back now, so I can take over for (GIVES C.C. AN UGLY LOOK) my secretary here.
C.C.
What?!
MAXWELL
(HASTILY, TO JOE) Er, have you met my wife? Fran, darling, come on over.
FRAN
(TAKING JOE'S HAND) Enchanté. Oh, honey, wait. Your eyeliner's a little... |
FRAN DIGS UP A TISSUE FROM HER PURSE AND RETOUCHES JOE'S MAKE-UP.
FRAN (CONT'D)
You know, those stagelights get ya all ferschwitzt. You really oughta use waterproof. C.C., dear, why don't you get these guys some proper make-up kits.
C.C.
What?
MAXWELL
C.C., do as Fran says.
C.C.
Oh, alright. (SWEETLY) I'll give them my very own.
FRAN
Nah. That one's tested on animals.
(DIGGING UP A MIRROR, HOLDING IT FOR JOE) How's this?
JOE
(MARVELING) You just took ten years off me! How did you do that?
FRAN
Years of practice. (PUTS AWAY THE MAKE-UP, PICKS A BAG OF DOUGHNUTS OUT OF HER PURSE) Want one?
JOE
Thanks (DEVOURING THE DOUGHNUT) I haven't eaten all day.
MAXWELL
(THROWING C.C. A LOOK OF DISBELIEF, TO FRAN) Er, darling, we'll go check... the children... backstage. Won't take a moment.
FRAN
Sure, sweetie. |
MAXWELL DRAGS C.C. OFF AND THEY EXIT ARGUING.
FRAN (CONT'D)
(TAKING A BIG BITE OUT OF A DOUGHNUT) So, Joe, what's eating ya?
JOE
It's this... woman. Miss Babcock. She drives us nuts. Does she have a screw loose or something?
FRAN
Well, you have to be a bit lenient with her. She has a prolongued case of P.M.S.
JOE
P.M.S.?
FRAN
Post-Marital Syndrome. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT TWO
SCENE FOUR
INT. THEATER DRESSING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY
MAXWELL AND C.C. STILL ARGUE. MAGGIE AND GRACE RUMMAGE THROUGH SOME COSTUMES RACKS. BRIGHTON AND NILES CHECK OUT THE PROPS. FRAN ENTERS.
MAXWELL
(TO FRAN) And?
FRAN
And... I fixed your little problem. They'll get back to work.
MAXWELL
(RELIEVED) I owe you one.
C.C.
Hold it. (TO FRAN) I wanna know what you promised them.
FRAN
C.C., negotiating the conditions is your part in this play. (TO HERSELF) Ow. And I promised them more fun.
C.C.
Maxwell?!
FRAN
(DEFENSIVE) Well, those guys are so tense, they could really use a more colorful setting, brighter costumes, lighthearted tunes.
MAXWELL
Darling, I promise they'll get better working conditions. But we cannot change the tone of the play. We're talking Hamlet here. It is a drama.
FRAN
Exactly. So you better do something about it.
C.C.
Look. "Hamlet" is just not your general party. Now, if it were "Hair"... Oh, why am I even explaining this to you?
FRAN
You tell me. I need no lecture on hair! |
FRAN LOOKS IN THE MIRROR AND ADJUSTS HER HAIR. C.C. ROLLS HER EYES, AND SHE AND MAXWELL EXIT.
FRAN
So, kids, found anything interesting?
BRIGHTON
Yeah, Fran, look at this! (SHOWS HER TWO SKULLS) This is just so cool!
FRAN
Hmm, Hamlet had an intimate conversation with those.
BRIGHTON
(CONSIDERING) You know, with a candle on top of 'em, they could create intimacy alright...
FRAN
Then why don't you take 'em? (RUMMAGES THROUGH THE COSTUMES) In fact, why don't we all take something? (THROWS MAGGIE A FLASHY OUTFIT) Here, consider this yours.
MAGGIE
Fran, won't Dad object?
FRAN
Hey, you heard the man! He owes me one. And if I let you pick something, then all three of you owe me one. So, we all win in this deal! (TO MAGGIE) C'mon, put it on! |
MAGGIE DISAPPEARS INTO A DRESSING CABINET.
NILES
(SHOWING FRAN A BOA) Do I get something too?
FRAN
Sure! I'm the lady of the theater, now. (TO GRACE) Honey, what would ya like?
GRACE
(STARSTRUCK) I want to meet Leo DiCaprio.
FRAN
Er, honey, sorry to disappoint ya, but it's not Leo DiCaprio C.C.'s seeing. It's Joe DiMaggio. (OFF GRACIE'S LOOK) Baseball player, a hundred years old.
NILES
That's more in Babcock's league.
GRACE
But C.C. said--
FRAN
C.C. got messed up. But, ya know who's gonna do the backing vocals? The Hansons! And they're right down the hallway.
GRACE
They are?
FRAN
Yeah! Here, take the camera.
GRACE
(HUGGING FRAN) Oh, Fran, you're the best.
FRAN
Thanks, honey. Now, go, go! |
GRACE EXITS. MAGGIE ENTERS FROM THE CABINET, WEARING THE OUTFIT. SHE HANDS THE "C.C. DRESS" TO FRAN.
FRAN
(OFF MAGGIE) Hoohah! Honey, you look gorgeous!
MAGGIE
(INSECURE) Yeah, but does it impress men?
NILES
Ow, Miss Margaret! Wobba, wobba! |
MAXWELL AND C.C. ENTER.
MAXWELL
Margaret, put on a jacket!
FRAN
(TO MAGGIE) I'd say men react just fine to it. (USHING HER OUT) Now go.
MAXWELL
Fran, you can't allow her to go out like that.
FRAN
Oh, don't worry. She won't get that far. (OFF HIS LOOK) Max, don't be so conservative. She is eighteen. Now you can let her look eighteen... (OFF THE CLOTHES ON HER ARM) or fifty.
MAXWELL
So, you're saying that if I tell my daughter to put on something decent, I'd be--
FRAN
Eighty.
MAXWELL
That's not what I was going to say.
FRAN
No, that's what people would say. (GETTING UP CLOSE) And I don't wanna be accused of taking advantage of an old man.
MAXWELL
(CONSIDERING) No. No, I couldn't do that to you.
FRAN
You couldn't possibly do anything to me, then. Lessee.(HOLDING HIM CLOSE) Hmm, no. Still in your prime.
MAXWELL
Uh, Niles, we're off in the limo. You bring C.C. and the kids back home later. |
FRAN AND MAXWELL EXIT HAND IN HAND.
C.C.
Sure, run off with hotpants and leave me in charge over this bunch of pathetic losers.
NILES
In the land of the blind, One-Eye is king. |
NILES HANDS C.C. AN EYE-PATCH, TOSSES THE FEATHER BOA AROUND HIS SHOULDER AND WINKS.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT TWO
TAG SCENE
FADE IN:
INT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS
MAXWELL
You know, you really impressed me in there.
FRAN
(WAVING DOWN THE MANY BUTTONS AND HOOKS ON HER JACKET) Want me to impress you here, too? |
THEY KISS.
CUT TO:
EXT. LIMO - CONTINUOUS
A DARK FIGURE SNEAKS TOWARDS THE CAR, AIMS HIS CAMERA AND FLASHES. THE CAR DOOR OPENS, MAXWELL JUMPS OUT AND PURSUES THE PHOTOGRAPHER. FRAN STICKS HER HEAD OUT OF THE CAR.
| FRAN
(SHOUTING) Max, wait! (DEFEATED) Ya forgot your shoes. |
FADE OUT.
END OF SHOW
|
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