Disclaimer: The characters are the copyright of Sony Pictures, Tri-Star Television, High School Sweethearts, Sternin and Fraser, Ink., and CBS Television. As the saying goes, "Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery" - mine's a pale imitation of the original. No copyright infringement meant or implied. The town in New Jersey is fictitious. I hope.

To Nancy - My best friend and fellow traveler. Sorry 'bout being banned from London - we bad. ; )

While this is based on the 1990's television show, I based the concept on those screwball comedies of the 1930's a la Cary Grant and Katherine Hepburn. They don't make 'em like that any more.

Home Improvement

by

Casey
(vforest@earthlink.net)

ON WITH THE SHOW:

Even though CC Babcock generally ignored what most people said to her, including Nanny Fine’s somewhat senile Grandma Yetta, there was one thing in particular that CC paid a great deal of attention to. It was just after Millie’s…Mollie’s… oh, WHATEVER her name was wedding. Yetta dropped the bombshell that everyone knew about her and Niles. That wasn’t the most important thing she told her, however – it had to deal with the advice about aluminum sheds at Home Depot and all the possibilities...

Strangely enough, Home Depot had come up in conversation months earlier, only in that case she preferred to forget since she came out AGAIN the loser to Niles….

Maxwell, sitting in his office, was trying to get work done as usual. Niles was in the office as well, trying to get as little work done as usual. He had been cleaning out the foyer closet, and had come across some old clothes, including a moth-eaten, smelly old sweater that once had been Maxwell’s favorite. He stopped dusting, and picked up the pathetic piece of clothing from the box, and gave it a little shake. Dust and yarn threads fell into the air, and landed onto Maxwell’s desk and work. He sneezed and gave Niles a look that said is your resume up to date?

"Niles, I thought I told you to get rid of that ratty old thing"?

Just then, CC walked in and, blithely ignoring Niles per usual, zeroed in on Maxwell. She gave him a megawatt smile. "Hello, Hello".

Niles, in a faux aggrieved tone, said "I’m sorry sir, I’ve tried and tried, but she STILL finds ways of getting in". He shook the sweater again, and CC sneezed. He gave her an innocent look. Maxwell hung his head in his hands on the desk to hide a grimace or smirk, it was hard to tell.

CC was not amused. "Maxwell, are you going to let him talk to me that way"?????

Maxwell finally looked at CC. "What exactly do you want me to say? Bad butler?" He gave Niles a mock wrap on the hand as a reprimand. Niles gave him an unrepentant grin in return.

CC looked disgusted at the "boys". "Maxwell, you never give me the satisfaction…" she trailed off as she had been about to finish with "…of taking my side of things". Maxwell raised his eyebrow at Niles in a futile attempt to keep him from interrupting. To stem the inevitable, he quickly said to him, "Niles, don’t you have some non-dusting to do elsewhere in this house? Oh, and take that other stuff with you, for heaven’s sake", pointing to the box on his desk. Niles picked up the box and started to leave. "Sorry sir, it’s just that I heard Miss Babcock and satisfaction in the same sentence". He gave a mock body shudder, and continued on his way out.

CC purred back, "Oh Niles, you are so witty. At least I’m getting some satisfaction – you haven’t seen any action since, oh, I believe, the CIVIL WAR.". She laughed at her own remark, and started to turn back to Maxwell, who felt he was in the middle of some bizarre verbal tennis match between Mutt and Jeff.

Niles stopped and turned around again, ready to fire his best shot at the Brunette. He mock applauded her, and not very easy to do, since he still was holding the box. "That’s very good, Miss Babcock", he said with a twinkle in his very blue eyes. "Although I’ve heard that you’re getting yours through Home Depot". He raised an eyebrow in inquiry, oh so innocently.

CC looked at him blankly without a response. Not good.

Niles grinned evilly at her lack of response. "Oh yes, yours is the DO-IT-YOURSELF kind, I believe". He left, whistling nonchalantly, a bounce in his step. Game, set and match to Mutt. CC was standing in stunned silence, still as a statue with horrified look on her face. Maxwell put his head in his hands on the desk again and moaned….

Of course, there had been a lot of changes since she lost that skirmish. "Oh yes", CC thought, quite a lot of change had taken place. After a dramatic showdown, she and Niles had become lovers, and now she couldn’t be happier. And then she had been stunned to find out, naturally, that which she and Niles thought had been a well-kept secret was, in fact, broadcast far and wide. Apparently courtesy through the FFYN – the Fine Family Yenta Network. Oh well, after the initial shock of being "outed", they began to realize that it wasn’t as big a deal after all. Everyone was shocked and amazed of course, but the family was accepting of the change in the relationship between CC and Niles. They still did the "wild thing" in assorted places throughout the Sheffield mansion, of course (after all, there were 18 rooms to try). Room number 19 was considered off limits by mutual consent – doing "it" in Maxwell and Fran’s bedroom was just too out there – even for the both of them and their "preferences". Oy. They were still eager to go where no man (or woman) had gone before. For instance, she could no longer look at the buffet hutch in the same light without a silly grin on her face. And they were costing Maxwell a fortune in limousine repairs for that pesky privacy screen that mysteriously kept getting broken….

Now Yetta had inspired her and Niles to go to virgin territory: Home Depot. While Niles was away for his family reunion, she had phoned to tell him about Yetta’s suggestion. He was more than anticipating the trip for "home improvement" when he returned.

CC and Niles were anticipating "the big day". They had planned, rehearsed, and practiced for hours, just waiting for the perfect time. They were going to a Home Depot in New Jersey. They decided to go to an out of state store in case things went awry – i.e. they got caught. Since CC was somewhat well known in New York, they didn’t want to risk the publicity that could affect Sheffield-Babcock Productions. Since the Sheffield’s all had plans of their own today, it was fairly easy for Niles to get the time off to go with CC to the Promised Land – NJ.

They sat in the car in the parking lot and stared at the familiar orange and brick building. Home Depot. D-Day. Sin City. An aluminum shed with their names on it. It was still fairly early in the morning, so there weren’t a lot of customers about yet. Then they realized that the sheds were not in the store itself, but located outdoors next to the building in a fenced-in area. So they casually walked over to inspect the various sheds, and oh so casually discussed the merits of each one ("that one looks good – we can stand up in it"). Then they saw it – a medium-sized aluminum shed sitting in the back of the lot. It had double doors on it, and after surreptitiously checking, found it unlocked. Niles grinned at CC and she grinned back.

Checking out that no one was paying attention to them, Niles opened the shed door and gallantly escorted CC inside and closed the door. The weather was warm, so the air inside was comfortable. It was, however, quite dark since no light could get in. Interesting – everything would have to be done by touch and not sight. Yippee

Niles had looked a little stouter than usual, but when he unzipped his jacket, he pulled out a thin blanket that he had tucked under his jacket. He spread it on the floor of the shed, and helped CC to sit down. He then sat beside her.

"Good Heavens, Niles – I didn’t really think we’d be able to pull this off" She couldn’t see him in the dark, but she could feel his smile.

Niles said, "Well, what could possibly go wrong now"?

He felt for her hands, and gently squeezed them. Then he helped her take off her jacket and shoes. He then took off his jacket and shoes too. She started to remove her shirt, but he put a hand out to stop her. "My turn" he said, and began to pull her T-shirt off over her head. She wore jeans, and he unsnapped the snap, and gently pulled her zipper down. She wiggled a bit to remove her jeans over her legs – somewhat of a challenge since she was sitting down. All she had left on was her underwear.

"My turn", she said. She unbuttoned his shirt and helped him out of it, and regretfully couldn’t admire his chest because of the dark. Then she unbuttoned the button to his trousers and was going to unzip him when Niles put a hand on hers to still her action. "I had better do this myself if you don’t want me to finish before we start". She could hear the rueful tone in his voice. The she heard the rasp of his zipper, and then he was clad only on boxers.

At this point, CC was starting to become a little breathless – not because of the closed shed, but in the excitement of what was to happen next. She eagerly leaned towards Niles, linking her hands in his, in anticipation of his kisses. Ever so slowly, they moved closer together, both of them now on their knees and face-to-face. Then they began to kiss, soft little nips here and there at first, and then with all the passion they could muster. CC trembled in his arms, feeling that old cliché about the earth moving beneath them. Niles felt it too – this was going to be sooo good when they came together. After several minutes and one of the longest lip locks in history, they came up for air after the most earth-shattering kiss either had ever experienced.

Niles was still trying to catch his breath when he said "oh lover, I know it’s a cliché, but I really felt the earth move just now". CC was equally gasping for air. "I know - I felt it too. I love you, Niles". Just as Niles was about to profess his love to CC, the shed shook.

"Oh, oh", Niles said.

"Um, Niles – did you feel that".

They both froze as they became aware of the rumble of machinery outside. Then they felt the shed move again, like they were being lifted off the ground. Even though it was dark, they looked at each other in horror as they realized exactly what was happening.

"Oh my word, we’re MOVING"!!! "Oh no, we’re MOVING"!!!

At that moment, all passion fled as they realized that they were in sooo much trouble, and could be found out in flagrante delecto. They scrambled to find and put their clothes on in the dark, but the shed was moving around somewhat, and they had a hard time finding them. They kept bumping into each other, and at one point, CC had Niles’ left shoe on (a perfect fit).

Eventually they managed to put themselves together, but hadn’t a clue what they looked like. They huddled in the middle of the shed as it was lifted onto the back of a flatbed truck. Then, after a few minutes, all was silent. Niles and CC sat there a few more minutes and pondered what exactly to do next. Niles got up and gently tried the door handle, silently praying that it hadn’t been locked. It gave a satisfying click open, so he ever so cautiously opened the door an inch at a time. A sliver of light filtered into the shed, enlarging as he inched the door open a little further.

He kept listening for any voices that would tell them they were caught, but he heard none. He ventured his head out to take a look around. He had to blink several times because of the bright sunlight. He was relieved to see that they were still in the store parking lot. He went back in and took CC’s hand to help her out, and they left the shed and he closed the door behind them. He jumped down to the ground and extended his hand to CC to help her get off the truck. She jumped down, and they hugged briefly, relived to be away from the shed. He gave her a quick peck on the cheek.

Hand in hand, ever so nonchalantly, they walked back to the car. By the time they reached the car, they were almost in a full run. Before they got in, they got a good look at each other’s appearance: they were completely disheveled, and the lipstick on Nile’s face just wasn’t his color. CC’s hair looked much like it had when she and Nanny Fine had been trapped in the mansion’s wine cellar, and Fran gave CC a new "do". Hastily, they made an attempt to straighten themselves out. Then they both looked at each other again, and broke into semi-hysterical laughter and hugged each other.

"We are so pathetic", CC said. Her blue eyes widened. "Oh Niles, even with the thrill factor, that was way to close even for my liking", she chuckled.

They got into the car. Niles was relieved as well. "I agree it could have been disastrous for both of us, especially if we were at a…um...delicate moment". "Oh well, it was fun while it lasted, but I think we need to think of some other places that aren’t so, well, risky". CC was in deep thought for a moment, and then gave Niles a devilish grin. "I know the perfect place next time"!! She said.

"Where"?

"Why, Six Flags"!!!!

Niles put his head down on the steering wheel and moaned….

Fran was walking across the foyer when the telephone rang.

"I’ll get it, sweetie", she hollered towards Maxwell’s office.

"Hello"?

She listened for a second. "Yes, this is the Sheffield residence….okay…uh huh..I see….yes, CC Babcock works here. Yeah, we have a Niles that works here as well, he’s our butler. Uh huh…..ohhhh"? Fran’s eyes were getting bigger and bigger as she listened to the voice on the other end of the phone. "Really"? "Oh, yes, of course, I’ll let them know when they get back. It should be any moment now. Thank you for calling. Bye". Fran slowly replaced the receiver down and stood in the foyer with the strangest look on her face: part admiration, part horror, and part unholy glee. She could hardly wait till her two reprobate friends came home….

Half an hour later, CC and Niles arrived back at the mansion, and let themselves in through the back door by the kitchen. They tiptoed over to the back stairs in an effort NOT to alert Yenta Central – Fran. Just as they were about to take the first step, Fran appeared from the dining room.

"Oh, there you two are. I am sooo glad you’re back". They both froze, one foot hovering over the step. Fran thought they looked like a pair of startled storks. They looked like kids caught with their hands in the cookie jar – and she knew just whose cookies they had their hands on.

"Um, hi Mrs. Sheffield". "Ah..hi..Nanny, um… Fran"

They both turned around to face Fran. Busted. They decided to brazen it out.

"Did you two have a nice day out"? From the way she asked the question, they both knew instinctively that something was up, and it wasn’t good. For them. Cautiously, they both answered "yes". Then they looked at each other – they knew it was going to be something they didn’t want to see or hear – sorta like coming across a car wreck – you just know it’s going to be very bad, but you just can’t help taking a look anyway…

"Ya know, I am just sooo glad that you two are getting along so well these days. Ya know, it’s nice to see you spending some quality time together – bonding. Such closeness. Such togetherness".

CC and Niles looked at each other again and fatalistically waited for the other shoe to drop. They didn’t have to wait very long. Somehow, they KNEW that Fran KNEW. HOW she knew was a mystery. They gave her weak grins.

"We’re glad you’re glad, Fran. Well, goodbye". CC and Niles tried to escape before they came across the car wreck. Too late.

Fran studied her nails. "Say, Miss Babcock, are ya missing anything ya started out with today"? She looked inquiringly at CC with a raised eyebrow. CC tried frantically to think what it could be: she had all of her clothes on (a quick discrete pat on her backside confirmed it). She thought harder. Well, the one thing she DID lose was total inhibition in the shed, but somehow didn’t think Fran knew about that. She tried not to look at Niles, who had a confused look on is face. "Um, no, I don’t think I’m missing anything. Why"? Fran went back to studying her nails and didn’t answer her. She looked at her next victim.

"How ‘bout you, Niles". His piercing blue eyes went wide. Ah, Fran thought, there’s that deer-caught-in-the-headlight look.

"No"

Fran shrugged her shoulders. "Okay, just checking". She started to walk away. Car wreck over. Niles and CC let out a collective sigh of relief. Move along, there’s nothing to see here. Fran stopped, then turned around as if she had an afterthought. Niles and CC waited. Dreading. Anticipating. Just when you thought the accident had cleared, you swerve back into traffic…

"I got an interesting phone call from, guess where – Jersey. A Home Depot in Westfield, specifically. I don’t know WHY they would be calling here – I’ve never been there"!!!!

Niles and CC tried unsuccessfully to look innocent. "Oh, how..er..odd". CC said.

"Yeah. Miss Babcock, the reason I asked you if you were missing anything is because, guess what – one of the clerks found your wallet there". CC flushed a bit, and then paled. "MY WALLET!!!!! I didn’t realize…it must have fallen out of my jacket". CC suddenly found her nails to be fascinating. Tooo casually, she inquired, "did they say where in particular it was found"?

"Oh, yeah"

"Oh"?

"And Niles, the reason I asked you was they also found a stadium blanket just like the one we keep in the foyer closet. Coincidence, huh". Niles flushed and then inspected his nails. (There was a lot of that going around).

"Quite a coincidence, Mrs. Sheffield", he said.

"And what’s more, they found the blanket AND Miss Babcock’s wallet in the EXACT SAME PLACE." Fran let the statement hang in the air for a few seconds.

Niles looked resigned. "And where exactly DID they find them’? He asked.

Fran tried to look innocent – well, as innocent as almost eight month’s pregnant woman can look. "It was VERY strange. The clerk said they were found in an aluminum shed they had loaded onto a truck". Uh oh -major car pile up on the highway…

In a weak voice, CC said, "Oh, ah, we were just checking the sheds out for…for.." She couldn’t think of a reason fast enough, and looked to Niles for help. Niles saves the day. Her hero.

"Mrs. Sheffield, Miss Babcock has developed an interest in…gardening"! He finished in triumph.

"Gardening"?

CC picked up the thread. "Uh, yes. I’ve developed a passion for gardening. I want to be cultivated. I mean, I want to cultivate…flowers".

"But Miss Babcock, you live in a penthouse apartment. Where will ya put the shed"?

Oops, a little detail overlooked. Once again, Niles to the rescue of his lady love.

"Why, Mrs. Sheffield, it’ll be kept here, out back near the patio, so I can, ah, keep my tools there and do some planting of my own,… er… for our garden, and she be part if it. I mean, she can share the shed". He hoped the explanation would sound logical.

Fran let the full-of-holes excuse go for a moment.

"Okay, so how about the blanket, Niles?

"Well, the sheds were outside, and they were very dusty , and so I put it inside so when we went in to inspect it, we could stand on it and wouldn’t get dirty"? He was so pathetic and couldn’t lie worth his salt. Especially to his best friend and ally. Besides, she read him like a book. Plus, he had no natural immunity against Jewish Guilt.

"I see". A pause. "Do you guys know what an ESC is"?

Niles and CC looked at one another and shrugged. "No".

"Well, it’s called an External Security Camera – they’re used all over the store parking lot to monitor the lot for safety reasons. Now, they DID see something VERY interesting on the tape today. While they didn’t see their faces, (she shot Niles and CC a quick glance at their relieved looks), they did see two people emerge from the shed that was on the back of a flatbed truck". She shot them another look – oh goodie – guilt and guiltier.

"You don’t say", said Niles. Oh Miss Babcock, we are sooo caught…

"So, Miss Babcock, Niles, did it meet with your, ..ah.. expectations"?

Just like little children, they looked down at their feet and mumbled "yes". Fran looked fondly at her own two irrepressible friends, and decided to let them off the hook with one last parting shot.

"Just think", she said as the looked up at her. Her lovable Mutt and Jeff.

"Between your "planting", Niles, and being "cultivated", CC, that shed’s gonna see a LOT of action around here". She gave them both a saucy wink, and sauntered out of the kitchen in search of Maxwell. Boy she was gonna have so much fun in the future reminding them about this little episode…..

Meanwhile, back in the kitchen, Niles and CC just stared after Fran’s departure. They looked at each other and slowly began to grin in earnest. He took CC’s hand and pulled her towards the back stairs.

Niles had that devilish twinkle in his blue eyes again…"Race you"

And they both ran up the back stairs……..

Back to Fan Fiction

Back to The Really Unofficial Nanny Home Page