Okay, this story has been 'cleansed', but it's still rated R, so be responsible!

Internetly Yours,

by

IvanaBgood@aol.com
(IvanaBgood@aol.com)

The twinkling sound caught his attention as he brought up the clean and folded laundry.

"What are you doing, Master Brighton?"

"Chatting with someone on the computer."

Niles shook his head at how technology was changing things. "Why not use a phone?" He placed clothes in drawers and hung up others in the walk-in closet.

"I’m talking to five different people and two of them live in other countries. You can’t do that on the phone, but on the computer it’s easy."

The butler sighed, feeling like an old fossil, something that Miss Babcock enjoyed calling him, as he left the room. He walked into the kitchen and sat down at the breakfast table. Now that most of his chores were done and dinner was still three hours away he had some time to kill and for the first time in his life, he didn’t feel like going into the library and pretend to dust. The old give and take banter he had going with Babcock was not giving him the kick that it use to. He needed more.

"Niles… something wrong?" Maxwell inquired as he opened the sub-zero and tried to decide between a V8 and an ice tea.

Eyebrows arched in surprise. His employer rarely noticed his moods. But then his old friend did. The corner of his lips turned up a notch at Max’s actual concern.

"Just feeling a spot of ennui, sir."

Maxwell sat down and shook the can of V8 before opening it and taking a swallow of the vegetable juice. "I have noticed that you haven’t been going to poker night anymore."

Niles nodded. "I was getting tired of being with the fellows."

"And losing?" Maxwell chuckled.

"There is that," Niles smiled. "Unlucky at cards… and love." His smile disappeared.

"Ah, so that’s the problem. I feel your pain, old boy."

"At least you have Miss Fine."

Maxwell looked startled at that. "Miss Fine is my nanny, nothing more."

Brighton, who had come down the back steps, made a noise at that just as Niles rolled his eyes.

"Dad, remember last night when Fran came downstairs for dinner in that green and yellow mini dress?"

Maxwell’s eyes took on a dreamy cast. "Do I ever." He picked up the can and took a sip.

"Now imagine Nanny Mueller in that."

Niles pulled away from the table as Maxwell spluttered juice all over it. He glanced over at Brighton, his eyes twinkling, "Good timing." and high-fived the teenager.

"I learn from the best." Brighton grinned as Niles wiped the table clean.

"We were talking about your lovelife, Niles, not mine."

"Unfortunately sir, I’m living vicariously through your ‘kissing-just-my-nanny, sit-on-my-desk-and-cross-your-legs, and yes, do-buy-that-tight-sweater-Miss-Fine’ life."

Niles chuckled at the scowl that came his way.

"Looks like I’m the only sex guru around here." Brighton remarked, looking all superior.

The two older men glanced at one another and cocked amused eyebrows.

"Tell us about the many girlfriends that are not knocking down the doors for you, Brighton."

"All I need is one, Dad, and I dated her last week. And I’m going to see her again tonight."

"A real, live female?" Niles had to ask.

"Live, raven-haired, and cute as a Buffy."

"And how pray tell, did you pull that off?" his father wanted to know.

Brighton pulled out a chair and joined them at the table. "I put out a personal ad."

"In the paper?"

"No, the computer."

"I can’t do that," Niles shook his head, "the world is full of whack-os."

"You have to weed through all the answers," the young man pointed out, "there are some nice people out there who are just as lonely and would like to meet others who share the same interests."

Niles thought about that. "It would be nice to meet a normal woman, who liked the same things I do, to take out to dinner and perhaps a movie."

Brighton swallowed the rest of his ice cream bar and licked his fingers. "C’mon," he threw the stick in the trashcan and loped up the stairs followed by Niles and his dad.

~*~*~

"Okay Niles," Brighton’s fingers flew over the keyboard, "what do you look for in a woman?"

Maxwell snorted, "A faint heartbeat and a large bank account."

Niles shot him an annoyed look. "Well… I don’t want to sound like a cad, but I would prefer her to look nice. Anywhere from her 30’s to my age. I’d like her to have more than half a brain. I once dated a woman who thought Sir Isaac Newton was the one who baked those fig cookies." Niles thought some more, "And if she could share an affinity for the classics, music and movies, but also enjoy rock and roll, Petula Clark and the wry wit of Jerry Seinfeld. Oh, and dancing. I do like to cut the rug."

"Alright, how about this, ‘SWM; Well seasoned man who likes the oldies and waltzing. Looking to hook up with a hot babe.’" Brighton smiled up at them.

Niles looked aghast. "This was a terrible idea."

Maxwell shook his head. "Brighton, you’ve got him down there all wrong."

"What should I put down then?"

His dad didn’t reply. He sat there for a few moments thinking and eyeing his old friend. Then, "Take this down."

His son swiveled the chair around and faced his computer.

"SWSM; Mature man looking for immature fun. From rollerblades to tuxedos. Be Bacall to my Bogie, Elaine to my Jerry, Id to my Ego. Those with the poetry of imagination need only apply."

"Not bad. Quite good actually," Niles remarked. "SWSM?"

Maxwell winked, "Single, white, sarcastic male."

~*~*~

"Mr. Sheffield… oh it’s just you in here." Fran walked towards the open terrace doors and stuck her head out. "Where is he?"

CC shrugged. "He left for a cup of coffee over half an hour ago and never came back."

Fran gasped, "Maybe he drank the one Niles earmarked for you!"

Grace walked in with an armful of books, "No, he’s upstairs with Brighton, I heard Dad’s voice coming from his room."

"Typical," CC stood up and stretched. "I’m here working and he’s playing Ward Cleaver."

"Tired from that hot date of yours yesterday, huh?" Fran elbowed CC.

The blond businesswoman snorted, "Hardly. After a very boring dinner I left to use the restroom and never came back." She sat back down and crossed her legs, "Where are all the handsome, charming men in this city anyway? That’s what I want to know."

"I know where they’re at," Gracie commented.

Fran looked at the little girl smiling, "Sweetie, Miss Babcock isn’t interested in Santa Claus or ol’ Mr. Brown, the man who drives the ice cream truck. Although," Fran turned towards CC, "if you date him he’ll give you a free push pop."

CC grimaced, "I don’t think so."

"No, I really do know where they’re all at."

They both turned and looked at her.

"Where?" Fran asked, hand on her hip, "and why am I hearing about this fountain of men just now? I’m your nanny, I should get first dibs!"

"They’re all over… in the internet."

"Wha?"

"I’ve been doing this study for my term paper-"

"But you just turned ten. Aren’t you suppose to be studying about dinosaurs in school or something?"

"Well, these men I’m talking about are really old. They’re like in their forties."

Fran fell back against the couch’s armrest, "Oy."

"Will you stop babbling and let the kid talk," CC grumbled at the nanny and then she turned, a big smile plastered on her face, "so tell me, how do I get a hold of these men?"

Gracie placed her books on the desk and sat down on the couch, "May I?"

CC nodded curiously as Gracie took her laptop computer from her.

"Okay, what you have to do first is place a personal ad that will describe you fittingly. Men will answer by emailing you. You read them and answer only the ones you find interesting. Then you set up a date… somewhere public, just in case he’s another Ted Bundy."

The women looked at her, eyes wide.

"I didn’t say the plan was foolproof," Gracie defended. "But from the studies that I’ve read about, the success level for this venture is quite high. Oh, and there are also ads up that men have placed, so you can read those and that gives you a wider range of choices."

Fran and CC looked at one another and shrugged.

"What the hell, I’ll give it a shot," CC nodded towards the little girl to continue.

"We need to write an ad that will put up your best characteristics," Gracie’s fingers paused above the keyboard waiting for a reply to type out.

"This is going to be tough," Fran commented looking over their shoulders.

"Do you mind?" CC huffed and then leaned back to think. "I’ve always received comments on my smooth, Swedish features."

"Well, that’ll put a huge, flashing, ‘I’ve had tons of plastic surgery’ sign out there," Fran commented.

"What do you like to do?" Gracie asked, trying to be helpful.

"Work," at their looks of sympathy, "it relaxes me," she retorts.

"I saw you yesterday on the phone, yelling at someone about your upcoming project. Your teeth were clenched, your lips were pulled thin and away, and your nostrils were flaring. Very Zen."

"Why don’t you tell us what you like to do for fun?" Gracie prodded. "What makes your heart race, your pulses pound? Something that makes you gasp with pleasure?"

"And make sure your answer is Disney-rated," Fran remarked.

Niles’ face danced before her mind’s eye before CC could stop it from appearing. She shrugged, "I don’t know. I…" she paused to think, "I like to dance, but only if my partner is an expert at it, otherwise why bother."

"You like old movies," Fran pointed out, and then spotting a hangnail, began to chew on it.

"How did you know that?"

"Blockbuster keeps calling for you. Your ‘From Here to Eternity’ tape is two months overdue."

Grace thought a minute and then typed something out. "How about this?" She angled the screen towards CC.

She looked at it and read aloud, "Statuesque blonde-"

Fran snorted at that. At CC’s angry glare, "Sorry, dust… tickling my nose… go on."

"Statuesque blonde looking for someone to moonwalk his way into my heart."

"Uh… change moonwalk to ‘Astaire his way into my heart.’ I wouldn’t send even my worst enemy out with a Michael Jackson look-alike," Fran looks at CC, "Oh yeah. You know, what the heck, leave it in there. Worst case scenario, you and your date can exchange surgeon’s numbers."

CC rolled her eyes and then commented, "I do know how to dance other things. Swing, samba. The tango." CC continued, "I don’t want to end up with some old geriatric with a pace maker…although…" Her head shook as she thought, "No, not worth it."

Gracie made the adjustments and added other things.

CC read while the girl typed. "Statuesque blonde, in her forties," she grimaced, but continued to read, "with an hour glass figure. I have hips that lambada, legs that salsa and a heart that would love to be your ‘African Queen’." She exchanged a look with Nanny Fine. "I like it. It just needs one more stipulation." She reached over and typed.

Fran walked over and peered onto the screen, "No new kids on the block or old geezers almost on a slab wanted." She deadpanned. "The offers are going to come pouring in."

~*~*~

A week later, Brighton walked into his room to find Niles tapping away at his keyboard.

"What’s going on?"

Excitedly, the butler turned to the teenager, "I was swamped with answers to my ad, but I found one that truly appealed to me. And I found this one ad that I just had to answer. She sounds great!" he pointed at the screen.

Brighton read it to himself then remarked, "Wow, hips that lambada! Is that legal?"

"It’s a dance step," Niles informed him. "She sounds like she has a great sense of humor and I’ve always been partial to blondes."

Brighton gave him a dubious look, "CC is a blonde and you can’t stand her."

Niles’ eyes pulled away, "Uh… yeah. But her figure is more like a sundial. Confusing and looks better in the dark."

~*~*~

Fran sashayed inside the library, "Oh, Mr. Sheffield…" She stopped short at the sight of CC behind the desk and sighed. "You again. We really have to stop meeting like this."

CC ignored the nanny, her eyes focused on her computer screen.

"What’s going on?"

"That little munchkin is onto something. I got a lot of great replies to my ad, but there was one that was so full of wit that I have to meet him. And not only that, I just found this ad from a man who I really think I can go for."

Fran read it and nodded with surprise. "You’re right, he sounds great. What’s his screen name?" She bent closer to peek.

CC covered it with her hand. "He’s mine. Go find your own rollerblading Romeo."

"Okay," Fran waved her hand in disgust, then, "What does SWSM mean?"

"I don’t know. I’ve been trying to figure it out. The first two and the last letter is obvious, single white male, but what does the other ‘S’ stand for?"

"Skinny?" Fran offered.

"Sexy?"

"Sober for six months straight?" The nanny suggested.

"Skillful?" CC started to get hot.

"Sociopath?"

"Savage?" CC sprinkled water from her bottle onto her face.

"Sanitized?"

The businesswoman glowered at the brunette. Fran backed away a bit.

"Well, you know in this day and age, that’s a good thing."

~*~*~

"So Niles…" Maxwell thumped his friend fondly on the back, "tonight is the night!"

Niles winced nervously. "You know, I’m feeling this pain in my side… maybe I better cancel."

"Nonsense. You’re just tense. Buckle up old man, and get ready for a grand adventure." At the suspicious look thrown his way, "What?"

"You seem awfully interested in my date."

"Of course I am. You’re my friend. My very good friend. I want what’s best for you."

"Uh huh," Niles remarked dryly, "what are the stakes?"

"Twenty dollars," Maxwell grinned. "Brighton is convinced that one of these women that you made dates with is your true soul mate. I, on the other hand, although I hope I’m wrong mind you, think they’re both going to be disasters."

"I would believe your sincerity if you weren’t already making a space in your wallet for that twenty."

Maxwell shoved his wallet back in his pocket. "Just making sure the photos of all my children are in there safe and sound." Then he saw movement from the corner of his eye and he remembered something that he meant to tell his butler all day. "Oh, by the way, CC needs a ride, I thought since you’ll both be leaving at about the same time?"

Niles groaned.

"That must be my ride, I hear a foghorn," CC called out as she stepped away from the library's doorway.

"Yes. Looks like I’m the tugboat that will be pulling your old broken down barge out of here," he answered wryly as he turned towards her voice.

They both silently gasped as they eyed one another.

Niles eyed the jade green dress that seemed to lovingly embrace the curves of her shapely body. Very alluring, especially the way the hem was cut at an angle that showed her long legs off to perfection. He gulped mesmerized.

CC didn’t notice his long perusal of her. She was too busy noticing the way the suit made his shoulders look broad and sturdy. The polished buttons, the tie knotted to perfection, she took in each and every detail. Especially how his well-tailored pants…

"CC? CC!"

Her eyes snapped over to Maxwell. "Yes, what is it," her tone deeply annoyed until she realized who she was speaking to. "I mean, yes, Maxwell, you were saying?"

"I was saying that you two best be off or you’ll both be late for your dates."

"Who would lower themselves to date you?" she managed to ask the butler with a sniff, although deep down it bothered her that Niles was off to see someone dressed like that.

"At least she won’t have to clean the grime off her body. Reading gravestones for escorts again?" He watched her walk away from him and out the door.

Fran walked down the stairs and stepped over to Maxwell, hearing the whole exchange. "I hope those two don’t kill one another off before they get to where they’re headed.

Maxwell nodded in agreement, then looked at the beautiful brunette admiringly. "Miss Fine, how would you like to join me in some decadent fun?" His breath tickled her ear enticingly.

Her eyes danced as she sidled up to him sexily, "Hot cocoa with marshmallows?"

"And whip cream," he offered with a roguish smile as they walked towards the kitchen, both sneaking looks at one another the whole time.

~*~*~

"I can’t believe Maxwell is letting you drive this to your dinner date. Doesn’t he realize that she might get ketchup and mustard all over the leather seats." CC smirked as she watched Niles switch the turn signal lever on.

"I’ll make sure I lick it off her body before that happens," he remarked, missing CC’s scowl. "Which alley am I to drop you off at?"

"For your information, I’m off to meet a very handsome man. He’s witty, he’s cultured and very refined."

"My mistake," his fingers expertly turned the steering wheel to avoid a careless driver, passing to their right. "Which nursing home are you skulking around this time?"

"Take me toVictor’s."

Niles’ hands stilled. "Where?"

"Victor’s. Don’t tell me you don’t know where it is?"

"I know exactly where it’s at. That’s where I’m off to meet my date."

"Oh God," she groaned. "Just make sure you keep yourself and your twinkie away from us."

"No problem there," he responded tersely as his foot eased off the gas pedal and he pulled the car carefully to the curb. He handed the valet the keys and watched as another red-jacketed worker helped CC from the car. He enjoyed the sight of her legs once again without her knowledge.

The two entered the building and separated from one another quickly. The flickering candles on each table made it hard to spot their intended partners. Each woman that he saw with hair the color of honey caught his attention. He ignored the voice in his head that kept telling him that every one of them paled in comparison to the beauty he walked in with.

CC walked carefully inside and gave her name to the man who stood behind the thick appointment book, cradled by a heavy wooden pedestal. He escorted her at once to a booth entirely enclosed by thick brocade. Curtains hung to afford a couple with complete romantic privacy.

Niles looked for a woman with a green scarf. His eyes traveled all around nervously, thoughts of being stood up popped into his mind. Then telling himself that just one more glance at his sworn enemy before he found his date wouldn’t hurt. He saw how she kept casting glances at the doorway. She seemed nervous.

Her fingers opened her ivory clutch purse and she pulled out some gauzy material. His eyes widened in shock and nervous apprehension as he watched her fingers loosely wrap the jade green material around her neck. He swallowed audibly. Now it was his turn to let her know it was he that she was waiting for. Carefully he stepped around the perimeter of the room, each footfall done with much trepidation. The timing was perfect as the band finished a song. He walked over and whispered something to one of the tuxedoed musicians. The saxophone player smiled and nodded at him before turning to the other men who had just lowered their instruments. A quick conference with the singer and the music started, catching CC’s attention.

Her head veered towards the orchestra. That was the song her date was suppose to play, to signal who he was to her. The singer’s talented tenor filled the room as he sung the Sinatra lyrics…

Her fingers touched her neck in surprise as Niles stepped up onto the dance floor. His eyes only on hers. The hearty and subdued conversations, the clinking of silverware, everything faded to the background as they sent silent messages to one another.

In moments, she felt herself being pulled gently into his arms. Their bodies swayed together to the beat of the song, but their minds were still trying to play catch up with reality.

Niles breathed in the herbal scent of her shampoo, his eyes closed, letting his senses take over for the illogical idea of actually falling for this woman. This woman whose skin was so soft to his touch. His fingers splayed across the bare flesh that her dress exposed.

CC’s lashes touched her cheek as she shivered under his caress.

But buried deep beneath her shock and denial, her attraction towards this man couldn’t be refused any longer and she gave herself up to the tumult of emotions that being in his arms produced.

His arms tightened around her as they turned around on the dance floor, they looked at one another, trying to read each other’s expressions.

The last notes of the song hung in the air for moment before finally dwindling. The applause of the patrons snapped them both from the trance they were in and with the other couples they exited the dance floor and walked towards the table that was waiting for them.

Silently, Niles waited for her to sit down before he joined her.

"You’re my date?" he had to ask.

"You’re MacDaddyGnote?" CC answered back.

Niles’ face reddened, "That’s Brighton’s screen name. I was using his account when I answered your ad. That means you’re LeatherNMace?"

CC grabbed a drink from a passing waiter’s tray and gulped it down. She made a face at the strong taste and then looked at Niles. Wildly she turned away again, looking for another drink to scalp.

"If this is what you normally do on a date, I can see why you had to use the internet highway to run over unsuspecting men."

"This is what I normally do when I find myself sitting across from Kermit the Frog," she growled.

"I’m not the one all in green," he smirked.

CC reached for her purse, "I am out of here!"

But before she could make her escape, the waitress came by, handed Niles the wine menu and asked if they would like any appetizers.

"Babcock, since we’re both here, all dressed up – why don’t we at least take advantage of the wonderful cuisine that this place is known for?"

CC watched him peruse the menu, his blue eyes scanning the many choices. She also noticed the way the waitress was admiring him. Her fingers gripped her purse tightly before she set it back down.

Niles looked up and caught the young woman staring and he smiled as she blushed prettily. Then turning back to CC, "I know the chef here at Victor’s, he’s a genius. Will you trust me to pick out our meal?"

Grudgingly, CC nodded and listened as Niles ordered, "We’ll have the Chateau d'Yquem…"

She smiled as she listened to him instruct the waitress in what they would like served to them. He did it with such ease. Sometimes she forgot how well versed Niles was in the art of fine dining.

The meal proceeded with stilted conversation when they both decided to make the best of it as they enjoyed the appetizers when they arrived. The creamy and cool white bean soup was comforting and down-to-earth, but packed a surprise punch of micro greens and a spoonful of caviar. CC devoured the gulf shrimp with cilantro-and-olive-oil. Niles relished the entrée he ordered for himself, sweet diver scallops served on a simple bed of chopped hearts of palm and accompanied by couscous in a light curry-apple broth. The pork medley that was placed before CC, included bacon, andouille sausage and pork loin.

"I knew it, you’re trying to fatten me up again!" CC mumbled around her mouthful of dinner.

"You don’t have to eat it all," Niles grinned, enjoying the sight of her smile as she ate up the dreamy taste of a traditional New Orleans meal.

"Why not, you did," she retorted, nodding over at his empty plate.

He groaned quietly to himself when he felt the after-effects of such a huge meal and began to wave away the extra-solicitous staff who waited on them. "You didn’t want dessert, did you Babcock?"

CC longingly eyed the dessert tray that was presented to them. "No…"

Niles chuckled, "Which one?"

She pointed and soon a slice of chocolate truffle cake was set before her.

"A cake with bourbon in it, why am I not surprised," he remarked. "I’m going to need a helicopter to get you out of here."

CC made a face at him. "You’re just saying that because you want to taste this," she held out a sweet dark bite balanced on her fork, "but you’re not tricking me into throwing it at you."

He watched as she slid the morsel into her mouth, her lips closed in, and the fork came out clean. Quietly he watched, marking it into memory.

Soon the waitress came back with the bill that Niles signed for. They both then rose and made their way to the exit, both casting a last glance at the wonderful orchestra before making their way out.

~*~*~

A few minutes later, Niles was pulling away from the curb. He looked over at the sound of her sigh.

"What?"

"Nothing."

"Out with it Babcock. If you didn’t want me to know something was bothering you, you would have inhaled through your blowhole."

CC glared at him. "Well, if you must know, I had hoped that my date tonight would lead to bigger and better things."

His eyebrow arched teasingly at her and she knew right away what he was trying to get at and a smile escaped her dour features.

"You know what I mean!"

Niles shrugged. "It wasn’t a total waste. You managed to rid me of my hard earned money."

"There is that," she grinned. "I do have another date tomorrow, I’m sure that one will be a jackpot. A big contrast to the lemon of an evening that this one turned out to be."

"Well, I’m sure my date tomorrow will be quite the success. At least I won’t have to roll her home!"

"I did not eat that much!" CC retorted.

"Then why were the other diners hiding their young?"

She threw him a venomous glare, "Just take me back to the mansion, so I can be rid of you! Besides, I left my briefcase there."

"You don’t plan on working some more tonight, do you?" he asked in surprise.

"Why not?"

Niles sighed as he directed the car towards home. "Is it worth it? I’ve seen you typing and studying papers under the light of the green lamp in the library for hours. Then the next day as you look up at him to tell him what you’ve accomplished, all he does is barely look at you as he replies with a vague ‘Thank you, CC.’"

"Sometimes he says, ‘Good work, CC.’"

They turned to look at one another and CC glanced away first, as Niles pulled into the garage. Quickly she unlocked her door and stepped out. He listened to the remote control garage door as it closed behind him. Then he watched her enter the mansion and followed slowly afterwards and was immediately attacked by Brighton and Mr. Sheffield as he stepped inside. He noticed with curiosity as Fran led CC away into the library.

"So how was she old man?" Maxwell led him onto the couch and sat on the coffee table, "Was she more like Princess Di or Margaret Thatcher?"

Niles leaned back into the softness of the furniture, pulled out the car keys and handed it to his employer. "A bit of both actually."

"Did she Lambada for you?" Brighton asked eagerly.

Niles chuckled. "No, we had one dance for the night and that was it."

"Oh, a bit of a drip, was she?"

"C’mon Niles, fill us in. How was she?"

"She… was Miss Babcock."

"What?!" both Sheffields yelled in shock.

The butler grinned at their dumbfounded expressions. "Yes, imagine my reaction."

~*~*~

"What was he like, Miss Babcock? Did he know how to dance?"

CC stared off dreamily for a moment. "Yes, he danced divinely."

"What did he look like? Was he tall? Was he handsome? How was the date?"

"How did you say all that in one breath?"

"Years of practice. And don’t try to change the subject. What was he like?"

"He was a lot like Niles."

"Really?" Fran leaned closer to CC as they sat on the couch. "In what way?"

"In the way of being pushy and full of insults."

"Wow… what are the odds. Maybe he was a distant relative."

"Maybe it was Niles."

"Heh?"

CC stood up and paced the room. "My date… it was Niles."

"My Niles?"

CC stopped and glared at the nanny. "What do you mean, your Niles?"

Fran crossed her arms and gave CC a long look. "Okay, what’s going on here because all of a sudden I get the feeling that you’re getting territorial over Niles."

"Oh, I am not!"

"If we were in the kitchen you’d be lifting your leg all over the place."

CC threw a disgusted look at the brunette. "I don’t know what you’re talking about. Anyway, it was a fluke. I have another date tomorrow with WilesOnWheels. He thought my answer to his ad was very witty and charming."

Fran mouthed the screen name out loud. "You know, I suddenly have this yen for cheesecake." She got up suddenly and hotfooted it to the kitchen where she found Mr. Sheffield and Brighton still grilling Niles.

"You went on a date with CC!" she announced and pointed.

All three men looked up from their mugs of cocoa. "We know."

"There’s bound to be one cow in the stable of maidens out there," Niles said after a sip. "I just so happened to pick the wrong barn door. But tomorrow will be different. I received the most titillating answer to my ad and I have a date with this lovely woman tomorrow."

"Eh heh," Fran smirked.

"What?" Niles gave her a puzzled look.

"What’s your date’s screen name?"

"CerebralBarbie."

"Hey-" Brighton looked up, his forehead furrowed, "isn’t that Gr-"

He tried to mumble around Fran’s hand.

"Niles, think back. Do you remember one time at the dinner table when someone was complaining that she had a Dance ‘N Twirl Barbie, a Western Stampin’ Barbie, even a Wedding Bride Barbie, but there were no Therapist Barbies to be found?"

The off-duty butler looked at her uncomprehendingly, as he brushed his fingers through his hair. "Therap… Gracie! I have a date tomorrow with Miss Grace?!"

Maxwell spilled his cocoa in shock. "YOU WHAT?!"

"Oh, pop those eyeballs back into their sockets mister. Although, you know, you look a lot like that Ken doll I made when I was ten."

"You made your own Ken doll?" Brighton chuckled.

"Yeah. I used Mickey Mouse’s eyes and my dad’s Smokey and the Bandit toupee. I super glued it onto this old ping-pong paddle. Then I took the ping-pong balls and-"

"Enough! Doesn’t anyone care that my butler is about to date my little girl?"

"He’s not dating Gracie." Fran pulled a chair up and poured herself a mug of hot chocolate.

Niles let out a breath, "That’s good news. For a moment there I thought I was going to become another Humbert Humbert."

"Niles," Fran looked at him in surprise, "I didn’t know you stuttered."

"Humbert Humbert is a character from Vladimir Nabokov's classic novel, ‘Lolita’, Miss Fine," Maxwell put in. "It’s about an older man's obsession with an adolescent girl."

"Nabokov… Nabokov… didn’t he teach English at Hillcrest High?"

Maxwell rolled his eyes. "Will you kindly explain to me why Gracie is communicating to Niles via internet."

"Gracie isn’t writing emails to Niles."

The three guys sighed in relief.

"Miss Babcock is."

"What?! I know for a fact that Miss Babcock’s screen name is LeatherNMace," Niles retorted.

"It is?" Brighton’s eyes widened. "Excuse me, but I have to delete some emails before they’re read."

No one noticed as the teenager ran up the back stairs.

"And you answered her ad?" Fran gave him a look.

"I thought it sounded cute," Niles smiled.

"Maybe… if you’re into medieval torturing. Anyway, it looks like you, Mr. WilesOnWheels, have another date with Miss Babcock."

"How did you… oh God, I didn’t."

"Don’t tell me you forgot to make coffee again," CC scowled as the kitchen door swung closed behind her.

"Miss Fine, maybe we better take our leave?" Maxwell rose from the table and urged Fran ahead of himself.

"But I want to know what happens when you put a Rollerblading Ken together with a Butler Stampin’ Barbie."

Maxwell watched CC’s eyes widen with shock. "Whatever happens, I hope my insurance covers it. Come on!"

~*~*~

Niles watched as CC slowly sat down near him.

Her eyes finally swiveled from the spot on the wall to Niles’ face. "We didn’t?"

He nodded, smiling mirthfully now that the news sunk in, "We did."

"Since when did you ever skate?"

They both turned as the kitchen door slowly opened and a pink-sleeved arm reached in holding something out.

CC snatched it and looked down at the photo of Niles in a yellow and black hockey shirt, black biker shorts and rollerblades.

"Miss Fine!" Maxwell was heard from the living room.

Fran’s face peeked in and she whispered, "If you want to see the one of Niles in bikini trunks, you’ll have to look in Mr. Sheffield’s wal-"

Niles and CC watched as the nanny was suddenly pulled from the other direction.

"Would you still like to go through with it?"

CC shook her head, "No. We’re lucky no one got hurt on our last date."

"I made sure to keep my fingers away from your cake," Niles grinned.

"And you managed to avoid my heels on the dance floor."

"It’s a good thing we found out now, rather than tomorrow," Niles managed to say before leaving her in the room alone.

CC nodded to herself as she stared down at the photo in her hand before slipping it into her purse as she left to go home.

~*~*~

The next morning the phone rang just as Maxwell was walking by.

"Hello? No, this is Maxwell Sheffield. Niles isn’t in at the moment, may I inquire as to whom is calling?"

"Listen to that, willya?" Fran nudged Val.

"I know. Every time I come in here I feel like I should lift my thumb whenever I pick up my glass."

"You’re suppose to lift your pinky, Val! Oy, no wonder you keep dropping your drinks."

"I’m his employer," Maxwell continued flustered, "what do you mean he’s going to be sent back. Sent back where?"

Fran and Val leaned as one towards the conversation, their opened Cosmos forgotten on their laps. The sound of the front door opening and closing was then heard.

"Ah, Niles has just arrived, a moment please," Maxwell covered the mouthpiece and gestured for his butler to walk over quickly. He leaned over and whispered agitatedly into his ear, "It’s the INS!"

Niles looked at him, mystified. "What do they want with me?" He whispered back.

"Something about my failure to follow through with a regulation concerning your employment."

Niles swallowed nervously before taking the phone. "Hello? Yes, this is Niles. Yes… Mr. Sheffield has gainfully employed me for over twenty years now. I don’t understand…I do have a Green Card. Excuse me, let me put you on speakerphone. I believe that Mr. Sheffield should hear this also." He pushed the button and stared at Max.

They listened as an unfeeling, stern voice explained…

"It has been recently discovered that for years now employment-based immigrant visas require the employer to obtain a labor certification from the U.S. Department of Labor. This procedure requires the prospective employer to prove to the U.S. Department of Labor that number one, there are no U.S. workers who are able, willing, qualified and available to work at the place of employment-"

Maxwell interrupted, "But Niles definitely qualifies. He is an expert in his field of work and I’m sure I couldn’t find anyone better."

"Be that as it may, Mr. Sheffield, but number two, it has come to our attention that you were suppose to at least try to find someone here in the United States first by advertising this job and trying to recruit a U.S. worker who might be able to meet the criteria of said job description. You never advertised the job."

CC walked into the living room and wondered at the sudden tension in the atmosphere.

Maxwell’s face became red with anger, "But I just finished telling you that Niles is special. He comes from a long line of butlers who have served Royalty for God’s sake! No one here in America could possibly have higher credentials."

The monosyllabic voice droned on, "I’m sorry, but his Green Card is being revoked because the proper stipulations were not followed. I suggest a quick packing and purchasing of a ticket for England within the week. Thank you and have a nice day."

The dial tone was then heard as both Niles and Maxwell collapsed on the couch.

"What’s going on?" CC asked.

"Niles has to… to…" Fran sniffled into a tissue,

They all watched as she ran up the stairs with Val trailing behind.

~*~*~

Later that day, Maxwell grumped at his son. "Turn down that music!"

Brighton pulled his headphones off, "What dad?"

"Your music is so loud that I can hear it from here!"

Fran walked over and held up the unattached headphones, the portable disc player wasn’t even on.

They all turned and looked over and watched as Maggie morosely tapped on the piano keys. It sounded like a mangled version of ‘God Save the Queen’.

Gracie sat hunched over on a chair with a thick book on her lap, her elbows resting on the tome.

CC came waltzing in with a platter full of food and a bunch of bananas tucked under one arm. "Hello, hello."

Without looking up, they all mumbled a greeting.

"Why all the sour faces?" she asked just before biting into a generous sized cinnamon roll.

"Niles is leaving," Maggie answered.

CC grinned, "I know." She licked the icing from her fingers.

"Miss Babcock, are you ready for a slab of ribs?" Niles held out an oven pan with the barbecued basted meat inside.

"Mmmm!" CC took it and dropped it on the coffee table.

"You two are going to miss each other so much, aren’t you?" Fran rubbed Niles’ back.

"What are you talking about? Why would I miss that relic?" CC asked, picking up the whole slab and biting into it, barbecue sauce smearing onto her cheeks.

Fran sighed and then her eyes lit up. Maxwell could almost see the wheels turning in her mind.

"Miss Fine… what are you up to?"

All of the kids suddenly looked hopeful.

Maxwell stood up and grabbed both of his nanny’s arms. "Whatever it is, I approve. Do it, do it now!"

"Really?" Fran looked up at him sexily. "Which jet bubbles do you prefer we use on the Jacuzzi?"

"Miss Fine!"

"Oh, you mean my other idea," she lightly smacked his arm. "Come on, Miss Babcock, let’s clean you up."

Everyone watched as she led CC into the hallway bathroom, the blond businesswoman continued to chew on a rib.

~*~*~

Fran talked and talked trying to convince him to take her out until Niles couldn’t stand it anymore. And besides, he wanted it to happen anyway. He reached his hand out and grasped hers gently in it.

"Come on Babcock, I’ll let you buy me dinner."

CC grabbed her purse, pulled out her carkeys and dangled them in front of his nose. Niles went to take them and she jerked them away, laughed and shook the keys at him again. This time he managed to snatch them away as he gave her an odd look.

"What is with you today, Miss Babcock, you’re acting stranger than usual." He closed the car door after her and went around and slid behind the wheel.

"Niles, I know you don’t care, so why don’t we share a meal and let the night go where it may."

He flashed her a puzzled look as he started the car. "Where would you like to go?" When he heard no answer, he glanced at her and saw her shrug, her face pensive.

The slight arch of his eyebrow was the only indication of his disquiet.

The shiny silver Jaguar continued on its way, going a few blocks and making turns until it pulled up in front of a nondescript building. It took a moment for CC to realize that the car had stopped and she peered out her window.

"Where are we?"

Niles stepped out of the car without answering and then opened her door and helped her out.

"Niles?"

He gave her a mystifying smile and just nodded for her to enter the building.

As she stepped in, a few groups of people sharing drinks and laughing amongst themselves appeared in her vision. A trio of men were catcalling a fourth who was concentrating on a dartboard, his hand gripping the dart tightly.

Niles walked passed her and greeted a couple of friendly faces. A tall man with reddish-brown hair shook Niles’ hand, they exchanged remarks and both were chuckling when CC joined them.

"Hello, what’s this now?" He had an affable grin on his face as he inclined his head in greeting. "Melvin Artley, pleased to make your acquaintance." CC greeted him and took in the warm, kind-hearted face that threw Niles a wink. "And its not even my birthday!"

Niles chuckled. "Settle down there, Mel, she’s with me." He shook his friend’s hand again and then led the way towards a table.

A plump woman with frizzy brown hair came by and handed them a pair of menus.

"Would you like something to drink?"

"How about a couple of pints, Millie. And two orders of my usual."

The waitress smiled at him, as she tucked her pencil behind her ear. "Anything for you, Niles." She smiled beguilingly at him.

Niles smiled back. "Thanks, luv."

CC watched this whole exchanged in amazement. At the same time he was flirting with the woman, he had taken off his jacket and tie, unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt and rolled his sleeves up to his elbows. Gone was the dapper butler that she was use to seeing and in his place was this very relaxed man who seemed very comfortable in his surroundings.

"Come here often?"

"Quite regularly," he nodded. "It’s my home away from home."

She looked around and took in the jukebox in the corner of the room, the clattering sounds of numbered balls hitting one another on the billiard and snooker tables, and the neighborly atmosphere of the place.

"You surprise me."

"How so?"

CC gestured at her surroundings. "I expected that you would take me to Dominic’s, a French restaurant maybe, or even Mexican. This is…" she looked at the framed photographs that lined the walls, the British flag that hung over the bar, and the simple checkered tablecloths with the small bud vases that decorated each table. "different," she finished, not knowing how else to describe the place, without insulting it.

"Okay, that’s it Babcock. What is going on?" At her disconcerted look, he continued. "Different? That’s all you could say? No derogatory remarks?"

"I’m not in the mood," she replied quietly just as Millie walked up.

Niles nodded a thank you and flashed the waitress his best grin, before quaffing down the pint she placed before him. "Drink up," he instructed CC, "this is Boddingtons, the best ale England ever made."

CC sniffed the beer carefully before bringing it to her lips and tasting it. "This is good," she had to remark before taking another gulp.

Millie came by once again and placed their orders on the table.

"Ta Millie," Niles eyed his dinner hungrily. "I’ve been craving this for over a month now."

"Fish and chips?" CC looked down at the steaming paper wrapped food.

"Not just fish and chips. Wally over there is the cook. You are in Codswallop, the best fish and chips place this side of New York. He hails from the original one over at Cambridge. And here he comes now."

CC looked up as a short-statured man with a little mustache walked up to them, wiping his hands on his apron that was probably white at one point.

Niles stood up and shook the man’s hand.

"Niles, good to see you! Millie told me you were here."

"Wally, I had to come by. This will be my last visit in a long while." He made the introductions and Wally shook CC’s hand before turning a surprised look towards his friend.

"Is something wrong with the food?"

"No, no," Niles smiled, "I’m going back to England. I’m having problems with my Green Card status."

CC felt pain at the words.

Wally tutted sadly. "I’m so sorry to hear that Niles. You shall be missed. You were the first one who contributed to the Codswallop fishy joke menu. Do you still remember what it was?"

Niles thought for a bit and then grinned, "What part of the fish weighs the most?"

They turned to CC who just shrugged. Together they replied jovially, "The scales!"

Everyone in the restaurant groaned good-naturedly, as CC smiled enjoying the good will that embodied the place.

Wally gave Niles another quick handshake, waved good bye and sauntered back to his kitchen.

CC looked around the place again and peered at the framed photos nearby. There were pictures of Westminster Abby, Buckingham Palace, and the Tower of London as well as candids of mothers pushing children in their prams, people waiting at a tubes station, a jumble of ancient mews and antique-filled alleyways.

"Seems to me, you would welcome the opportunity to go back to England, you love it here in this diner so much."

Niles picked up his tankard and finished it off. His voice seemed almost as far away as his thoughts. "I do miss it, but this is home. Here with the Sheffields, Miss Fine and y-, and Miss Fine." he finished with a mumble.

CC noticed the slip-up and eyed him pensively.

"Oi Niles, fancy a game?"

The couple looked up at Mel’s voice and noticed he held a pool cue in one hand. Next to him was a leather-jacketed fellow with a stud on his nose. "This here’s my nephew, Billy."

Billy eyed CC appreciatively. "Hello."

Niles frowned for a moment then turned to CC. "Would you like to play?"

"I haven’t played in ages," she replied.

"There’s your handicap, Niles," Mel chuckled.

Niles shrugged, unconcerned. "Rack 'em."

Mel broke and managed to get a couple of shots. Then came Niles turn and CC watched fascinated as he played with a skill she couldn't believe. He made it look easy. Billy took his own turn, and while he wasn't as good as Niles, he was better than Mel. Then, it was CC’s turn. She took off her jacket, and after a moment’s consideration, noticing the heat from the place and the way it restricted her movements, her tailored shirt. Clad in a shoestring top and a skirt, she moved to take her shot, unaware of three admiring gazes.

Niles had a marvelously unobstructed view of her backside, and he stared at it transfixed. Mel and Billy, however, were on the other side of the table. Bent down, CC's top gaped and when she made her shot, her breasts jiggled. Not one of them noticed that she made her shot.

CC then moved around the table as she studied it. The view this time was now reversed. Niles swallowed with difficulty. He tried to look away, but couldn't. When she made her shot, he nearly groaned. When he finally managed to tear his eyes away for fear of a stroke, he saw the other two men enjoying the view he had a moment ago. "Mel, Billy." Niles said in a low, dangerous voice.

The two men looked at him guiltily. CC looked at him bewildered. The pool game was a little strained after that. CC and Niles won, but a glare from Niles prevented Billy from suggesting a rematch. All three men watched in regret as CC buttoned her shirt back on.

"Great game." CC commented, oblivious to the undercurrents going on around her.

"I think it’s time for us to leave," Niles managed to say. He waved to everyone and escorted CC to the car.

"Niles, is something wrong?" She asked as he started the engine.

"No. It’s getting late."

"She looked at the digitized clock on the dashboard. "It’s only 9 p.m."

"Well, I’m tired, do you mind?" he grumbled.

CC didn’t reply. The evening was fun until Niles became moody all of a sudden. When they drove up to the mansion, almost all of the lights were on by the looks from the windows.

"What on earth…" Niles wondered aloud as they got out of the car and walked up to the front door.

"It’s about time!" Fran’s face popped up as the door was opened abruptly. She pulled Niles and CC in and closed the door. "Okay, we finished redecorating one of the guest rooms, but you two will need to be quizzed before the INS guy gets here."

"Ah, there you are!" Maxwell breezed into the living room. He passed both of them a pile of printed out papers, paper clipped together. "You will need to study these for the next couple of hours."

Maggie walked down the stairs and took a picture of the confused couple.

Fran took Niles and made him sit on the couch. She then directed CC next to him and handed them both newspapers. She placed a coffee cup in Niles’ hand and mussed up his hair a bit. "Okay, say cheese!"

The flash went off as Maggie took another picture. "Now what?" she asked her nanny.

Fran yelled upstairs, "Gracie, sweetie, bring down Niles and Miss Babcock’s robes."

Grace came down with a navy blue terry robe and a light blue fluffy robe. Fran held it up for Niles and before he knew it, had it wrapped around him, looping the belt around his waist.

"Okay, Miss Babcock, your turn," Fran held the other robe up."

CC began to slip her arm into the sleeve when she pulled out and yelled, "What the hell is going on here?!"

Everybody in the room stopped in mid-motion.

"Oh, that’s right, you don’t know!" Fran remarked. "Well, that sourpuss INS man, Mr. Dowling rang again. He wanted to know if you had your plane ticket already." She informed Niles. "But since you weren’t here, we had Brighton pretend to be you. And he did a great job!"

"Thank you, thank you!" Brighton bowed. "Or should I say, ‘Chip, chip cheerio and all that jazz.’" he smirked winningly with a perfect Niles imitation.

"Miss Fine, I’m still in the dark."

Fran looked around at the ceiling, "With all these lights on?"

"Miss Fine, what I think Niles is trying to convey is that he doesn’t know ‘the plan’."

"The plan?" Niles and CC asked.

"Oh yeah! Well, see we had Brighton tell Mr. Dowling that he, as Niles, was going to be getting married. Mr. Dowling gave him a very sobering speech about fraud. But Brighton was able to assure him that he loved his prospective bride. When Mr. Dowling asked for more information, Brighton told him a mixture of truth and lies that Mr. Sheffield and I had concocted. That they had known each other for a long while, had been talking about marriage for a short while and had pushed the date forward. Mr. Dowling then asked when the happy day was and Brighton gave him the details."

"I’m getting married?" Niles shook his head. "I only had one serving of Boddintons, right?" he asked CC.

CC didn’t answer. She watched as Fran picked up her feet, placed it on the coffee table and set Chester on her lap.

"Whom am I suppose to be marrying?" Niles inquired as Fran gently nudged him closer to CC and then stepped away.

The couple blinked as the flash went off again. They then looked at one another and jumped away. Chester growled ferociously at being displaced.

"Yes, you see, I had Brighton hack into the INS important files…"

"I still need to talk to you about that, young man," Maxwell intoned.

Brighton fidgeted.

"…anyway, we found out that Mr. Dowling plans on surprise visiting you both tomorrow to prove that this upcoming marriage is a fraud."

"But it is! I’m not marrying Niles!"

"And who said that I want to marry you!"

Fran sighed, "Ahh… the sounds of love." she leaned her head against her folded hands. "Wait till you see what we did upstairs!"

Niles reluctantly began to follow her up, as the kids ran up and passed him excitedly.

CC gripped the banister and took a step up when Maxwell stopped her.

"CC, might I have a word?"

She nodded and followed him to the hallway.

"I know this is a big favor that I’m asking CC, but Niles is a loyal and trusting friend of mine. Not only that, but he is family. If he were to be deported, who knows when he’ll be able to come back to us?"

"Maxwell, I can’t! This is too much! I cannot marry Niles!"

"It’s only for two years. I will make you my full partner at the end of those two years. Please CC… for me?" Maxwell held her hand in his.

Her resolve immediately fizzled. "Okay."

Niles closed his eyes tightly for a moment as he felt them glisten. Holding the banister tightly he then continued upstairs.

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