|
INT. KITCHEN - MORNING
NILES MAKES BREAKFAST. FRAN DESCENDS THE STAIRS,
DRESSED IN HER ROBE, A SOUR EXPRESSION ON HER FACE.
NILES
Oh, Miss Fine--
FRAN
Huh!
NILES
Good morning to you, too.
FRAN
Maggie thinks I'm nosy!
NILES
Now, why would you think that? |
SHE PRODUCES A SMALL BOOK FROM HER POCKET.
FRAN
'Cause it says so in her diary!
It's all right here in purple
and white: 'Always buttin' her
nose into everyone's business ...
nasal voice ... lacks conviction.'
Huh! I do not lack conviction.
Do I?
NILES
Miss Fine, that's an invasion of
privacy. A breech of trust. A--
FRAN
(OFF DIARY) 'I know he's alot
older than me, but I have this
humongous crush on him.'
NILES
(BEAT) Go on.
FRAN
Uh, I don't think so, Mr. Breech-
of-trust.
NILES
Oh, who cares what's written in a
teenager's diary, anyway?
FRAN
Yeah, you're right. I mean, what
could possibly be interesting about
a blossoming, maturing, beautiful
young heiress? |
HE LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER.
FRAN
(TURNS AWAY) Uh, uh, uh. Not so
fast.
NILES
Oh, come on. Who pretends not to
know the Dove bars are hidden in
the Green Giant bag? |
HE MAKES A GRAB FOR THE BOOK. SHE EVADES HIM.
| NILES
Who taught you how to forge Mr.
Sheffield's signature? |
HE TRIES AND FAILS AGAIN.
| NILES
Who covered for you just so you
could storm the doors of Loehmann's
at seven AM for the seventy-five-
percent-off-everything-magenta-sale? |
HE SULKS.
FRAN
OK, OK. Boy, are you good with the
guilt. You're not Jewish, are ya?
(OFF DIARY) 'Humongous crush'...
yadda, yadda, yadda ... 'sings like
a bird ... decent cook ...' Oh, here
it is: 'Smart, funny, kinda cute.'...
Niles, you dog.
NILES
Hmmph.
FRAN
What?
NILES
Decent? A decent cook? As if.
FRAN
Niles, we're talkin' teenage crisis
here and all you can focus on is
your prowess with the Cuisinart?
NILES
Prowess? Thank you, Miss Fine.
FRAN
Oy, the man has an ego the size of ...
my mother. So, tell me, Julia
Childish, what are you gonna do about
this?
NILES
Well, it's probably nothing but an
innocent school-girl crush, but I
should probably be circumspect. |
NILES EXITS.
| FRAN
(AFTER HIM) Are you sure you're not
Jewish? (SOTTO) Cuz at your age that
could be pretty painful. |
INT. FOYER - LATER THAT MORNING
NILES SORTS THROUGH A LARGE PILE OF MAIL.
FRAN ENTERS.
FRAN
Hoo-ha! Look at that big hunk of
mail!
NILES
Thank you, Miss Fine.
FRAN
Uh, y'know, just because you've got
a young, beautiful heiress lustin'
after you, that's no reason to kvell.
Oh. Yes it is.
NILES
(SORTING) Water bill, electric bill,
telephone bill ... (HANDING TO FRAN)
Visa, Master Card, American Express... |
HE THUMBS THROUGH THE REST OF THE PILE, THEN
PLOPS IT INTO HER HANDS.
FRAN
So, I'm popular. Sue me. (RE ENVELOPE)
Uh, too late.
NILES
(RE ENVELOPE) Here's something unique.
No cellophane window. And look at the
postage stamp. From England. |
HE GASPS.
FRAN
What? Is it from Mr. Sheffield's
mother? (RE ENVELOPE) Nope. No
pentagram.
NILES
It's worse than that.
FRAN
Mr. Sheffield's father?
NILES
No ... mine.
FRAN
Don't you get along with your father,
Niles?
NILES
I can never be sure. He's rather
aloof. (DRYLY) Not the passionate
ball of fire that I am ... That,
and he's always so critical of
everything I do.
FRAN
I thought you said you weren't
Jewish.
NILES
Miss Fine, you do know that I come
from a long line of distinguished
butlers, don't you?
FRAN
Yeah, but didn't you got accepted
into the Professional Butler's
Association, like five years ago?
NILES
Yes, but that's par for the course
for my father. Before he retired,
he was a veritable legend at the
P.B.A. So, as far as he's concerned,
I could never do anything to impress
him.
FRAN
So, let me get this straight. You,
your father, and your brother are
all butlers?
NILES
That's right. |
HE READS THE LETTER.
FRAN
Man, your mother musta been livin'
the good life. No cookin', no
cleanin', bein' waited on like a
princess ... That's it! Now I know
you're Jewish!
NILES
(RE LETTER) Oh, dear.
FRAN
What's the matter?
NILES
It's the worst possible news.
FRAN
(COMFORTING HIM) Oh, Niles, I'm so
sorry ... When's he gettin' here? |
INT. KITCHEN - NEXT MORNING
THE KITCHEN IS STREWN WITH ALL SORTS OF CLEANING
MATERIALS. NILES OBSESSIVELY SCRUBS THE COUNTERTOP,
HIS HAIR AND CLOTHES DISHEVELED. MAGGIE ENTERS.
MAGGIE
Hi, Niles.
NILES
Hello, Miss Margaret.
MAGGIE
Wow, you're really going hyper on
the kitchen. Who's coming over,
Martha Stewart?
NILES
(STOPS) It was supposed to be a
surprise. |
SHE GIGGLES.
| MAGGIE
Oh, Niles, you're all a mess! |
SHE STRAIGHTENS OUT HIS TIE AND APRON. HE NERVOUSLY
TURNS AWAY AND RESUMES CLEANING.
MAGGIE
Niles, how come you never got
married?
NILES
Well, I came close once. A long
time ago. When you weren't even a
thought in your father's head.
(SOTTO) Then again, that could apply
to anything.
MAGGIE
So, what happened?
NILES
I was unceremoniously given my
freedom.
MAGGIE
You mean you got dumped.
NILES
Yes. (DRYLY) I was too devil-may-
care for her.
MAGGIE
Well, I think she must have been,
like, totally vacant. I think
you're smart and funny ... and kinda
cute. |
NILES FUMBLES HIS SPRAY BOTTLE. C.C. ENTERS, EXAMINING
A SMALL PIECE OF PAPER.
NILES
(RELIEVED) Oh, Miss Babcock! So
nice to see you.
C.C.
Can it, Niles, I'm not in the mood.
(OFF PAPER) My Lotto ticket is 1,
2, 3, 4, 5, 6.
NILES
Good God.
MAGGIE
What are the odds?
NILES
(DOES CALCULATION IN HIS HEAD)
Six million, four hundred seventy-
two thousand, five hundred and
twenty-three to one.
C.C.
(BEAT) What are you, some kind of
idiot servant?
NILES
You mean 'savant.'
C.C.
No, I don't. |
C.C EXITS.
INT. LIVING ROOM - THAT AFTERNOON
DOORBELL RINGS. FRAN ENTERS.
SHE ANSWERS THE DOOR.
| FRAN
Oh, hello. You must be Niles' father.
I'm Fran Fine, the nanny. |
MILES ENTERS, CARRYING A SUITCASE. HE IS A
DIGNIFIED, ATTRACTIVE MAN IN HIS MID-SEVENTIES.
MILES
I'm Miles, the butler. Retired.
(KISSES HER HAND) Delighted to
meet you.
FRAN
Ohhh, I just love British men. So
charming and polite. And not at all
the way Niles described ... Prince
Charles. |
NILES ENTERS.
NILES
Father. You're punctual, as usual.
MILES
As are you, son. |
THEY SHAKE HANDS STIFFLY.
FRAN
(SOTTO) Quick, someone break out
the Kleenex.
NILES
How's mother?
MILES
Splendid.
NILES
And Giles?
MILES
Never better.
FRAN
Hold it. Niles, Miles, and Giles?
What's your mother's name?
NILES/MILES
Phyllis.
NILES
So, how was your trip, old man?
MILES
The flight was smooth, but thirteen
minutes late. The food was dreadful,
as is to be expected. And the cab
fare was entirely too exorbitant.
NILES
Why didn't you call? I would've
picked you up myself.
MILES
And abandon your household duties
to attend to a personal matter?
NILES
Of course not, sir.
MILES
That's a good man. You wouldn't
want to dishonor a P.B.A. legend.
NILES
(DRYLY) Beverage, sir?
MILES
A martini would be nice.
NILES
Dry?
MILES
Sweet.
NILES
Shaken?
MILES
Stirred.
NILES
Rocks?
MILES
Neat.
NILES
Olive?
MILES
Onion.
NILES
Ah. Your usual. |
NILES MIXES THE DRINK AS MAXWELL AND C.C. ENTER.
MILES
Maxwell.
MAXWELL
(SHAKES HANDS) Miles, it's so good
to see you. This is C.C. Babcock,
my...
MILES
So, this is Miss Babcock! (TO C.C.)
Niles wrote me about you, but he
neglected to mention the vision you
are.
NILES
I didn't want to give you nightmares.
MILES
(KISSING C.C.'S HAND) A pleasure. |
NILES SERVES MILES THE DRINK.
C.C.
(CHARMED) Likewise. (AT NILES) Now
I see where all the charm in the
family went.
NILES
(SOTTO, TO FRAN) This is so
repulsive. He's old enough to be
her father.
FRAN
(SOTTO) Oh, really, Mister 'smart,
funny, kinda cute?'
MILES
(RE DRINK) Not bad, Niles. You're
coming along nicely. The martini is
only slightly off-balance this time.
NILES
(TO C.C.) Which is more than I can
say for you. (TO MILES) Thank you,
sir. May I take the bag?
MILES
Please.
NILES
(GRABS C.C.'S ARM) This way. |
NILES AND C.C. EXIT.
MILES
Maxwell, you have a lovely home, a
charming nanny and an absolutely
enchanting business partner.
FRAN
Don't forget the butler. You
remember... your son?
MILES
Of course. (TO MAXWELL) He is
working out, I trust.
MAXWELL
Well, he's been here for over twenty
years.
MILES
Twenty years. Yes. He should be
just about hitting his stride.
FRAN
Hitting his stride? That's like
saying Streisand sings a little.
MILES
Maxwell, I've got two tickets to Don
Giovanni waiting for me at The Met.
Do you think Miss Babcock would like
to join me?
MAXWELL
Don Giovanni? That Niles' favorite,
isn't it?
MILES
Hmmm. Oh, yes. I seem to recall him
mentioning something about that once.
MAXWELL
He sang the lead at Eton.
MILES
That must've been it. A bit off-key,
as I recall. |
NILES AND C.C. ENTER.
MILES
Ah, my dear. We were just talking
about you.
C.C.
(COYLY) Really? Maxwell, I hope you
didn't reveal all my shortcomings.
NILES
No, we weren't gone nearly long
enough for that.
MILES
Actually, I was wondering if you'd
be interested in the opera tomorrow
night.
C.C.
Ooo, what's playing?
NILES
(MIFFED) Don Giovanni.
C.C.
(TO MILES) But that's been sold out
for weeks. Where on Earth did you
get tickets?
NILES
From me. I got them. For his
birthday.
C.C.
Ohhh. I bet you wanted to take him,
didn't you, Niles?
NILES
Well...
C.C.
(TO MILES) Pick me up at seven?
MILES
It's a date. Niles, you will be
driving us, won't you?
NILES
Oh, absolutely, sir. (EXITING,
SOTTO) Right off a cliff. |
INT. DINING ROOM - MORNING
FRAN, MAGGIE, BRIGHTON, AND GRACE SIT AROUND
THE TABLE, PLAYING RISK.
FRAN
(TO BRIGHTON) OK, Major Pain-in-
the-butt. Let's go. The Middle East --
we have people there -- into the
Congo.
BRIGHTON
You can't do that. They're not
adjacent.
FRAN
Huh?
GRACE
(IN FRAN'S EAR) They have to be
next to each other.
FRAN
Oh. (TO BRIGHTON) So, why didn't
ya say so? And who's Jason? ... OK.
The Middle East into Egypt. Just
think, for thousands of years we
were tryin' to get outta there and
here I am, fightin' to get back in. |
FRAN AND BRIGHTON ROLL THEIR DICE.
BRIGHTON
(STARING) WHAT are the odds of
triple snake eyes?
GRACE
Ask Niles. C.C. says he's an ...
'idiot something.'
MAGGIE
(TO BRIGHTON) Good strategy, dork.
You're almost as bad at this as you
are at Clue.
BRIGHTON
This from the girl who thought
Colonel Mustard was a condiment.
FRAN
(SOTTO) They come in mint? |
C.C. ENTERS AS THE KIDS CLEAN UP AND EXIT.
C.C.
Hello, hello.
FRAN
Hi, Miss Babcock. How was the opera?
C.C.
Three hours of sentimental shlock.
If it wasn't for the cash bar at
both intermissions, I would've
committed suicide.
FRAN
What could be so bad? It was sold
out.
C.C.
Well, I suppose the music was OK,
but the plot was totally ridiculous.
Like something right out of a soap ...
opera. Ohhhhh.
FRAN
(SOTTO) And they call me uncultured.
(PICKS HER TEETH WITH GAME CARD) So.
What about Miles?
C.C.
Oh, he was a perfect gentleman:
attentive, polite, generous. You
know ... boring.
FRAN
Honey, in my family that's known as
fictional.
C.C.
There was just no excitement, no
spark, no ... conflict.
FRAN
So ... in your parallel, Gentile
universe, conflict is good?
C.C.
Of course. It can be very stimulating,
electrifying ... titillating.
FRAN
Uh, there's no need to get graphic.
... So then, if conflict is such a
turn-on, what do you call the
hostility festival that goes on
around here between you and Niles?
C.C.
Hate. Nanny Fine, stick to the
topic. |
INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS
NILES AND MILES SIT AT THE TABLE, SHARING A CUP
OF TEA.
NILES
Oh, please, tell me again about Miss
Babcock and the opera.
MILES
Niles, is something wrong with your
hearing?
NILES
Oh, not at all, sir. I'm-just-
enjoying-this-conversation-so-much-
we-so-rarely-get-to-bond-anymore-
now-what-did-she-say?
MILES
(UPSET) She called Don Giovanni ...
insipid.
NILES
And what did she do?
MILES
She fell asleep in the first act.
NILES
And who did she torture?
MILES
Me! Oh, God, it was awful!
NILES
Oh, I know! I know!
MILES
And that's not even the worst part.
NILES
There's more? (SKYWARD) Oh, thank
you, thank you, thank you!
MILES
The worst part is that, all night
night long, I felt so frustrated,
so hostile, as if I needed to...
to...
NILES
Hurl a barb? Sling a spur? Deliver a
slam?
MILES
Yes! That's it! Slam that snide
little smirk right off of her...
(COLLECTS HIMSELF) Oh, my. I've let
myself get carried away.
NILES
Yes, she does have a way of driving
a man... wild.
MILES
How can you stand to be around her,
day in and day out?
NILES
Words, sir. An arsenal of retorts
always at the ready.
MILES
Impressive. |
NILES SMILES SMUGLY.
INT. LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT MORNING
MAXWELL READS THE PAPER. MAGGIE ENTERS.
MAGGIE
Dad, can I talk to you?
MAXWELL
Sure, sweetheart. What's the buzz?
Tell me what's a-happenin'.
MAGGIE
Dad, not only is that incredibly
lame, it's also Andrew Lloyd Webber.
MAXWELL
Yes, but that's when he was good.
... I'm sorry, cupcake. Now, what's
on your mind? |
FRAN AND NILES ENTER AND EAVESDROP FROM OPPOSITE
ENDS OF THE ROOM.
MAGGIE
Well, I sorta like this older guy
and since you're old, I thought you
could help me.
MAXWELL
Thank you, Margaret. Now, who is he
and does he have life insurance?
MAGGIE
Well, I really can't tell you who
he is.
MAXWELL
Why not?
MAGGIE
Because he doesn't know how I feel
and I don't want him to find out
from someone else.
MAXWELL
In other words, you don't think I
can keep a secret?
MAGGIE
No, but if I tell you, you'll tell
Fran.
MAXWELL
Ah.
FRAN
(SOTTO) Huh!
MAXWELL
Well then, at least tell me a little
something about him.
MAGGIE
(COYLY) Well, he's smart and funny
and kinda cute. He also sings and
he's a pretty good cook, besides.
NILES
(SOTTO) Pretty good? Hmmph.
MAXWELL
Well, this chap sounds rather
affable, but I'm a little worried
about something. Is he married?
MAGGIE
No. But he was real close to this
vacant chick who, like, dumped him.
MAXWELL
You mean he was unceremoniously
given his freedom?
MAGGIE
Uh-huh.
MAXWELL
And just how much older are we
talking about?
MAGGIE
Well, I'm not sure exactly, but he's
older than Fran.
MAXWELL
Margaret, I'd like to meet this...
gentleman. Have a little chat with
him. You know, old man to old man.
MAGGIE
No! I just wanted you to tell me
how to talk to him. I mean, in
school we just pass notes and stalk.
MAXWELL
I'm sorry sweetheart, but if he's
older than Miss Fine, he's waaayy
too old for you.
FRAN/NILES
(SOTTO) Huh!
MAGGIE
Oh, thanks alot, Dad. I just knew
you'd react like a ... an old man! |
MAGGIE EXITS IN A HUFF.
INT. LIBRARY - THAT AFTERNOON
NILES SERVES TEA AND SCONES. MAXWELL SITS AT
HIS DESK, STARING OFF.
NILES
Is something wrong, sir?
MAXWELL
Huh? Oh, uh, no, not really. |
NILES STARTS TO LEAVE.
MAXWELL
It's Maggie
NILES
(FREEZES, THEN NERVOUSLY) Miss
Margaret? What could possibly be
wrong? She's just an average
teenager with the average teenager's
crushes -- I mean problems -- and
there's probably nothing at all
unusual about her behavior or that
of anyone she knows.
MAXWELL
Well, it seems she's infatuated with
an older man. And if I ever find out
who he is, his life, as he now knows
it, is over.
NILES
Now, sir. Aren't you jumping to
conclusions? I mean, he's probably
just an innocent bystander, totally
unaware -- but not undeserving -- of
her affections.
MAXWELL
Oh, come on, Niles. Things like
this don't happen out of the blue.
He must've done something to
encourage her.
NILES
No, I swear he didn't. I mean, I'm
sure he didn't.
MAXWELL
Well, I'm still going to kill him. |
MILES ENTERS.
MILES
Maxwell. Niles.
NILES
Father.
MAXWELL
Miles. How was the opera? |
NILES SERVES MILES A CUP OF TEA.
MILES
(SIPS TEA) Rather acceptable.
Which is more than I can say for
this tea. A bit tepid, Niles.
NILES
(TAKES BACK THE CUP) Sorry, sir. |
C.C. ENTERS, SPORTING A NEW/WILD HAIRDO.
C.C.
Hello, hello.
NILES
Lovely look. Who did your hair, the
wind?
C.C.
Ohhhhh, lucky me. It's Rodney
Dangerfield, only without the sense
of humor. And looks.
MAXWELL
(MAKING PEACE) Lovely dress, C.C.
C.C.
(PREENING) It's Guess.
NILES
All right. Ringling Brothers?
MAXWELL
So, tell me, C.C., how did you like
Don Giovanni?
C.C.
Oh, that piece of drivel ... (OFF
MILES' LOOK) That I enjoyed sooooo
much? (OFF THEIR STARES) I'm a
Gemini -- two sides to my
personality.
NILES
Yes -- dumb and dumber.
MILES
(RUNS HIS FINGERS ALONG BOOK SHELF)
Hmmm. A bit dusty, Niles.
C.C.
What's the matter, Niles? Shoving
aside your responsibilities?
NILES
(WHIPPING OUT HIS DUSTER) Yes. And
perhaps you'd like to help me shove
this one.
MILES
(MUNCHING A SCONE) Hmmm. A bit dry,
Niles.
C.C.
(SEARCHING HER PURSE) Maxwell, have
you seen my pen?
NILES
Why? Did the other little pigs run
off with it?
MAXWELL
Niles! That's enough!
NILES
Sorry, sir. But I just gotta be me.
(TO MILES, EXITING) Watch and learn,
old man. |
INT. KITCHEN - THAT EVENING
MILES SITS AT THE TABLE AS NILES STANDS BEHIND
THE COUNTER, WRITING ON A LARGE WIPE-OFF BOARD.
NILES
All right, let's try another one.
She says: 'Miles, you're impossible!'
And you say...
MILES
Hmmmm...
NILES
(OFF WATCH) Time! |
HE FLIPS THE BOARD, WHICH READS: 'AND YOU'RE EASY.'
MILES
Oh, dear. That's rather rude.
NILES
I say, old chap, you're just too
bloody English! Tea? (POURING)
How about: 'This dress fits like I
was poured into it.' |
NILES WIPES THE BOARD, THEN WRITES THE ANSWER.
MILES
Hmmmm ...
NILES
Time! |
HE FLIPS THE BOARD, WHICH READS: 'TOO BAD YOU
FORGOT TO SAY WHEN.'
NILES
(SIGHS) Here. Let me demonstrate:
'You think you'll always have me
here to fall back on?'
'Well, it beats having you here to
fall forward on.'
'I have a blind date.'
'He'd have to be to go out with you.'
(TO MILES) You see how it goes?
How it just flows, naturally, from
within? OK, last try: 'Where have
you been all my life?'
MILES
(BEAT) As far away as possible!
NILES
Close, but no cigar. |
HE FLIPS THE BOARD, WHICH READS 'ABOVE GROUND.'
INT. FOYER - NEXT DAY
NILES DUSTS THE TABLE AS FRAN ENTERS.
FRAN
So, Niles, how's the Maggie
situation?
NILES
Oh, it was resolved very simply.
Mr. Sheffield's going to kill me.
FRAN
Oh, I'm sure you're exaggerating.
MAXWELL (O.S.)
Niles!
FRAN
Or not. |
MAXWELL ENTERS.
MAXWELL
Ah, there you are, old man.
NILES
(SHAKY) Oh, but not that old, sir.
MAXWELL
Niles, remember that little problem
that we were discussing?
NILES
(SOTTO) Oh, God. Miss Fine, you
can have my cookbook collection.
FRAN
(SOTTO) Great. That's like leaving
a tennis racket to the Venus de Milo.
MAXWELL
Well, I'm afraid Maggie's decided
to go ahead and tell this letch
how she feels about him.
NILES
Oh?
MAXWELL
And I need you to keep me from
killing him.
NILES
Oh, you can count on that, sir. |
DOORBELL RINGS. MAGGIE ENTERS, RUNS TO
THE DOOR, AND ANSWERS.
| MAGGIE
(FLUSTERED) Hi, Jimmy! |
JIMMY ENTERS WITH A PACKAGE. HE IS A VERY CUTE
UPS DELIVERY MAN IN HIS LATE THIRTIES.
| JIMMY
Hi, Maggie. I have another package
for you from Q-V-C. You sure do
order alot from them. |
HE HANDS HER A PACKAGE. SHE ABSENTLY HANDS IT
TO FRAN AND STARES ADORINGLY AT JIMMY.
FRAN
(RE BOX) QVC? Well, that explains
the ceramic crying Elvis next to the
Ming.
JIMMY
Well, Maggie, I gotta run. I'm
cookin' the dinner shift tonight at
my uncle's restaurant in Deer Park.
MAGGIE
Oh, can't you stay a minute? I
kinda wanted to talk to you about
something.
JIMMY
Sorry, but I really gotta go. It's
not exactly the most glamorous job,
but it pays for my singing lessons.
FRAN
Ohhh. You sing?
JIMMY
Yeah. My fiancé says someday I'm
gonna be a big Broadway star!
(TO MAGGIE) We got back together!
(EXITING) Isn't that great?!
MAGGIE
(SULKING) Yeah. Great.
MAXWELL
(COMFORTING HER) Oh, sweetheart,
don't worry. (LAMELY) This just
wasn't meant to be. There's plenty
of fish in the sea. Uhhh, men are
like buses: if you miss one, another
will be along any minute. And it'll
happen when you least expect it! |
MAGGIE GROANS.
FRAN
Fabulous. Nothing like a good
cliché festival to make a
heartbroken teenager feel better.
(TO MAGGIE) Uh, not to 'butt in
nasally, without conviction' or
anything, but ... He's scum. Move on.
MAGGIE
(HUGS HER) Thanks, Fran. |
MAGGIE EXITS.
FRAN
(OFF MAXWELL'S LOOK) What? Didn't
you ever read Mr. Spock? Now that
guy knows how to raise kids. I
don't know about you, but when my
mother used that neck pinch...
MAXWELL
(EXITING) I think I'm having my
fifth stroke.
FRAN
Oy, what a relief, eh Niles?
NILES
(WISTFULLY) Yes, I suppose so.
FRAN
Aww, cheer up. Somewhere along the
line, I'll bet Maggie had a crush on
you, too.
NILES
Take those odds and you'd lose
whatever's left of your skirt.
FRAN
Oh, yeah? (PRODUCING THE DIARY)
We'll just see about that.
NILES
(GRABBING IT) Oh, no you don't. I
don't need any more trouble with the
women in this house. |
C.C. ENTERS.
C.C.
Has anyone seen my coat?
NILES
Yes -- nice and shiny. Mighty Dog
or Alpo?
C.C.
Oh, would you give it a rest?! |
MILES ENTERS.
MILES
(TO C.C.) Ah, my dear. I'd like
to thank you for last night.
C.C.
(THINKS) I wasn't with you last
night.
MILES
Precisely.
C.C.
That's it! I'm outta here! |
C.C. EXITS.
HE PRODUCES A STOGIE FROM HIS POCKET.
NILES
I dub thee a Knight of the Quick
Retorts.
MILES
Like son, like father. |
THEY HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER STIFFLY.
|
Back to Fan Fiction