The Magic Flute

This is an old script written shortly after Call Me Fran. These folks all belong to Fran and Peter. Just borrowing them. Yadda, yadda, yadda...

The Magic Flute

Abby
(STKWVR@aol.com)

INT. KITCHEN - AFTERNOON
FRAN NOSHES WHILE SCANNING A MAGAZINE.
NILES ENTERS FROM THE BACK DOOR, MOPING.

FRAN Hi, Niles. Awww, what's the matter with you? Your physical was all right, wasn't it?

NILES Yes. Except for... The Phrase.

FRAN What? "Turn your head and cough?"

NILES No. "You're in great shape... for a man your age."

FRAN And what part of that don't you like? 'Cause really Niles, most men your age... (OFF HIS LOOK) Oh. Well, so what? If you ask me, people make much too big a deal about age, anyway. I mean, after all, it's just a number. When I reach thirty, I'm gonna throw a big party.

NILES Well, don't forget to invite your grandchildren.

INT. DINING ROOM - NEXT MORNING
FRAN, MAXWELL, MAGGIE, AND GRACE EAT BREAKFAST.
NILES SERVES PANCAKES, DRESSED IN DOCKERS AND
A POLO SHIRT. BRIGHTON ENTERS, READING A
PIECE OF PAPER.

BRIGHTON Dad, I need you to sign this.

HE HANDS MAXWELL THE PAPER.

FRAN Just a minute, Mister. (GRABS THE PAPER) What did you do now and how come I didn't see this... permission slip to join band. Oh.

SHE HANDS IT BACK TO MAXWELL.

FRAN (CONT'D) He gets the talent from my side of the family.

MAXWELL Brighton, I didn't know you were interested in music. What are you going to play? The trumpet? The oboe? The bassoon?

C.C. ENTERS.

FRAN What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?

C.C. The bassoon burns longer. Hahahahahahaha!

BRIGHTON I decided on the flute.

PAUSE -- EVERYONE STARES AT HIM.

BRIGHTON (CONT'D) What?

MAGGIE As if being in band wasn't dorky enough, my brother wants to play a girl's instrument. Now I'm gonna have to move far away and enter a witness protection program.

BRIGHTON Then my work here is done.

NILES And he gets that from my side of the family.

C.C. Excuse me, but what are we talking about?

NILES Hmmm. Flute, oboe, bassoon... Biology.

BRIGHTON AND NILES HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER.

C.C. Oh, God. It's multiplying.

GRACE That would be Math.

C.C. Et tu, Grace? Et tu?

FRAN (RE: GRACE'S PLATE) No... So far she only ate one. She's very fussy.

MAXWELL Well... I suppose there's nothing wrong with a man playing the flute.

FRAN Yeah, I mean, after all, this is almost the 21st century.

NILES And... most of the world's best flutists are men. Just like chefs.

C.C. (RE: HER FOOD) Of course, we have no proof of that.

C.C. AND MAGGIE HIGH-FIVE EACH OTHER.

FRAN Uh-oh. Two shiksas bonding. Any minute, the giggling's gonna start.

C.C. AND MAGGIE GIGGLE.

FRAN (CONT'D) Vi-ola.

BRIGHTON Y'know, the flute happens to be a great instrument. (OFF THEIR STARES) OK, OK. I get to sit next to Susie Samuels.

BRIGHTON EXITS.

C.C. Oh, I just knew testosterone would have something to do with this. He's not interested in music. He's just obsessed with his... flute.

INT. LIVING ROOM - A BIT LATER

DOORBELL RINGS. NILES ENTERS, DRESSED VERY
CHIC IN JEANS AND A BLACK SWEATER, AND ANSWERS
THE DOOR. C.C. ENTERS.

C.C. Hello, hello... (RE: NILES) Hmmm. Something's different...

HE PREENS.

C.C. (CONT'D) I know, you got contacts.

NILES I have perfect vision.

C.C. (POINS TO HIS CHEST) Oh, well then how could you have missed that spot?

HE LOOKS DOWN. SHE TWEAKS HIS NOSE.

C.C. (CONT'D) Oh, Niles, you're getting slow in your old age.

NILES How original. Where's Larry and Curly?

C.C. Is that the best you can do? I'm bored. Ciao.

SHE EXITS.
NILES FUMES.
MAXWELL ENTERS.

MAXWELL Ah. There you are, old man.

NILES Sir. Must you always call me that?

MAXWELL Call you what?

NILES "Old man."

MAXWELL Oh, Niles, it's just a term of endearment. Like "buddy" or "pal."

NILES Ah. So then, you wouldn't mind if I addressed you the same way... old man?

MAXWELL Well...

FRAN ENTERS.

FRAN Hi, guys. Whaddaya talkin' about?

MAXWELL Terms of endearment.

FRAN Ohhh, how romantic. Definitely a three-Kleenex flick.

INT. LIVING ROOM - THAT AFTERNOON
FRAN SITS ON THE COUCH, READING A MAGAZINE.
BRIGHTON ENTERS FROM THE FRONT DOOR WITH HIS
SCHOOL GEAR AND FLUTE CASE.

FRAN So, B, how was your first day in band?

HE CROSSES TO HER.

BRIGHTON Loud. No, it was OK. (RE: FLUTE) But man, is this gonna take me a long time to learn. Did you know that you can't just pick it up and play? It actually takes a lot of hard work and practice?

FRAN Yeah... like a hula hoop. So, did you get to sit next to Susie?

BRIGHTON No way. She's really good -- first chair. I'm way in the back. I can't even see her embouchure.

FRAN Hey, hey. What did I tell you about that kind of thing, mister?

BRIGHTON No... It's how you make a sound. The shape of your lips. Watch...

HE OPENS THE FLUTE CASE AND TAKES OUT THE
HEAD JOINT.

FRAN That's it? Where's the rest of it? (SOTTO) Where have I heard that phrase before?

BRIGHTON For the first week, I'm only supposed to blow on my head joint.

PREGNANT PAUSE.

FRAN (ASIDE) Would anyone care to hit that one out of the park?

HE BLOWS INTO THE HEAD JOINT, MAKING A
PITIFUL NOISE.

FRAN (CONT'D) Ohhhhhhhhhh, how... interesting. Very good, sweetheart.

SHE PICKS UP THE CASE.

FRAN (CONT'D) And it's so compact. And black... it'll go with everything.

BRIGHTON Wait, I had it before. Really...

FRAN That's good, honey. Why don't you practice upstairs? The acoustics are better... for me.

SHE HURRIES HIM OUT OF THE ROOM.
BRIGHTON EXITS.

FRAN (CONT'D) (SOTTO) Oy. Forget world peace. They should give Nobel Prizes to band parents. And they could mold them in the shape of little ear plugs.

INT. LIBRARY - A BIT LATER
MAXWELL AND C.C. ARE WORKING.
NILES ENTERS WITH TEA, WEARING GRUNGE AND
SPORTING A SCRUFFY BEARD.

NILES Herbal tea and all-natural, five- grain, no-salt, no-sugar, no-fat muffins.

C.C. (SNIDELY) Sounds yummy...

NILES Served on totally recycled paper plates. Gotta save the planet, man.

NILES EXITS.
MAXWELL AND C.C. PICK UP THEIR MUFFINS, WHICH
PROCEED TO TUMBLE OFF THE FLIMSY PLATES ONTO
THE FLOOR.

MAXWELL All right. Just what the devil is going on with him?

C.C. I think he's looking for the fountain of middle age.

MAXWELL This is ridiculous. My son is playing the flute to impress a girl at school and my butler is going through male menopause.

C.C. Only with him, it's mental-pause.

MAXWELL Wait a moment... Perhaps he's trying to impress someone as well.

PAUSE - HE LOOKS AT C.C.

C.C. (MOCKINGLY) Oh... right. Gee, how could I have missed that all these years? I guess I must have been distracted by all the torture and loathing.

MAXWELL Oh C.C., you know his barbs are nothing but... terms of endearment.

C.C. Except, he's not Jack Nicholson.

MAXWELL Well, who is?

HE DOES A VERY BAD, VERY BRITISH IMPERSONATION.

MAXWELL (CONT'D) "You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"

C.C. Oh Maxwell, my cheeks are hot. And so is my face.

MAXWELL (PROFESSING) C.C.... This is a very difficult stage in a man's life, where the ego is very fragile. But, perhaps a little attention from a beautiful young woman...

C.C. (COY) Oh, Maxwell... stop...

MAXWELL Of course! It's so simple! Why didn't I think of it sooner?

FRAN ENTERS.

FRAN Maxwell, I need a hundred bucks for gum.

HE HANDS HER HIS WALLET.
FRAN BEGINS TO LEAVE.

MAXWELL Fran!

FRAN FREEZES IN HER TRACKS.

FRAN Damn! Almost got away with it.

MAXWELL Would you consider doing me a big favor?

C.C. (EXITING) My life needs a serious rewind button.

FRAN (SITS ON DESK) Sure, sweetie.

MAXWELL It has to do with Niles.

FRAN Oh man, is he a case lately, or what? Ever since his physical, he's been carrying on like a nut job about being middle-aged. Y'know... it doesn't take a genius to figure out it's just the usual male menopause thing. So... I've been trying to be extra nice to him. Y'know, build his ego. Now, what was this favor you wanted?

MAXWELL Oh... nothing.

INT. NILES' ROOM - THAT EVENING
NILES IS LIFTING WEIGHTS, DRESSED IN THE
APPROPRIATE ATTIRE.
FRAN ENTERS.

FRAN Niiiiles. So, this is what goes on in here. Workin' with the dumbbells...

NILES No. That I do out there.

HE BENDS OVER TO PICK UP A DUMBBELL.
SHE CHECKS HIM OUT.

FRAN (AMUSED) Ohhh. And that's what you've been hiding underneath all those stuffy butler clothes -- Toukus o' Steel.

NILES (FLUSTERED) Miss Fine, please... continue.

FRAN How often do you do this stuff, anyway?

NILES Three times a week for an hour.

FRAN Not bad. I'd settle for something that made me sweaty even once a week for fifteen minutes.

INT. DINING ROOM - NEXT DAY
FRAN, MAGGIE, BRIGHTON, AND GRACE ARE PLAYING
POKER.
FRAN IS WEARING A VISOR AND DEALING.
MAGGIE IS DOLING OUT CHOCOLATE KISSES, WHICH
THEY USE IN PLACE OF POKER CHIPS.

FRAN (DEALING) Me, Maggie, Brighton, Gracie. Brighton, Me, Gracie, Maggie... I like to mix it up a little... makes it interesting.

BRIGHTON Fran, we have eleven cards.

FRAN Oh. Well, just pick the best five and put the rest back in the pile.

THEY DO SO.

FRAN OK. The game is five card stud.

MAGGIE I knew I was gonna like this game.

BRIGHTON Jeez. It's like living with Madonna, only without the looks and talent.

MAGGIE I wouldn't talk, Mr. I'm-using-my- instrument-to-impress-the-women.

FRAN (SOTTO) Works for me. Hey, hey, hey! The ante's shy.

GRACE CONTRIBUTES TWO KISSES.

GRACE Why are we using chocolate instead of chips?

FRAN Less sodium.

THEY STUDY THEIR CARDS.

FRAN OK. Best hand opens.

BRIGHTON Oh! I bet I have the strongest hand here.

MAGGIE Well, you should. You're the only adolescent male in the room.

FRAN (SHOCKED) Maggie... I was gonna say that.

GRACE I don't get it.

FRAN Uh... Brighton's hands are getting strong from playing his flute. No... that's not good. Uh...

BRIGHTON Thank you, Marcia Clark.

MAXWELL ENTERS.

MAXWELL (MOCKINGLY) Oh, Fran. What an elevating, educational activity for the children. What's next? Shooting craps?

FRAN Speaking of... Chester was here yesterday. P.S., I wouldn't go near the terrace geranium for a coupla days.

MAXWELL Thank you for the warning.

HE GRABS A HANDFUL OF KISSES FROM THEIR "POT"
AND EXITS.

FRAN Hey, hey! It's the Ante-Heist! The Ante-Heist! Quick! Somebody call a priest! Oy... I bet that's the first time in history a Fine ever uttered that phrase.

BRIGHTON That and "No, not on the first date."

FRAN Are you sure you're your father's son? 'Cause I'm beginning to suspect that maybe the butler really did do it.

INT. BRIGHTON'S ROOM - THAT EVENING
BRIGHTON IS SITTING ON HIS BED, PRACTICING ON
THE HEAD JOINT, MAKING UNATTRACTIVE COKE
BOTTLE NOISES.
NILES ENTERS, WEARING JEANS, BOOTS, AND A
BLACK LEATHER JACKET.

NILES Ah, so this is the source of those enchanting sounds.

BRIGHTON (DEPRESSED) Hi, Niles.

NILES What's wrong, Master Brighton?

HE SITS ON THE BED.

BRIGHTON I stink.

NILES Oh, isn't that a bit harsh for your first week?

BRIGHTON But, how am I going to get Susie's attention if I sound like I'm playing a Coke bottle?

NILES Well... impress her some other way. Like being charming and witty.

BRIGHTON That might work for you, but I'm just not that cool.

NILES You think I'm cool?

BRIGHTON Sure. The way you nail everybody around here. I mean, you're single- handedly responsible for Dr. Bort's yacht.

NILES You are a very observant young man.

BRIGHTON Observant? Great. But, how do I do charming and witty?

NILES Well... what is it that you like about Susie?

BRIGHTON She's smart... and funny... and really cute.

NILES Then just tell her that.

BRIGHTON What?! What if she doesn't like me back? She might get mad. Or worse... she might laugh.

NILES And then where would you be? No worse off then you are now, right?

BRIGHTON THINKS.

BRIGHTON Yeah. Thanks, Niles. Y'know, you sure know a lot about women... for a guy your age.

PAUSE.
NILES REMOVES HIS JACKET, GIVES IT TO BRIGHTON,
AND EXITS.

INT. LIVING ROOM - NEXT EVENING
FRAN, BRIGHTON, MAGGIE, AND GRACE ARE DRESSED UP.
FRAN IS FIXING BRIGHTON'S TIE.
NILES ENTERS, DRESSED UP IN HIS USUAL STYLE.

FRAN There you go, sweetie. Oh, you look so handsome. Susie's gonna be so impressed.

BRIGHTON She's already impressed, Fran.

FRAN Oh? Did you suddenly become some musical progeny?

BRIGHTON No. I just... charmed my way into her life.

DOORBELL RINGS. NILES ANSWERS. SYLVIA AND
YETTA ENTER, DRESSED UP IN THEIR TACKY BEST.

YETTA I forgot. Tell me again. Where are we going?

SYLVIA For the sixth time... to see the New York Philharmonic, Ma. You better get some of that new drug, melon toner. (TO FRAN) Hello, darling. Is that what you're wearing?

FRAN What?

SYLVIA There's no cleavage.

FRAN Ma, we're going to Lincoln Center, not Times Square.

SYLVIA Fine, but don't come crying to me if you happen to run into a nice Jewish musician at half-time and he doesn't notice you.

FRAN Ma, the only place the words half-time and Jewish appear together is in the dictionary. At a concert, it's an intermission.

SYLVIA Whatever you call it, it's the same sad scenario.

MAXWELL AND C.C. ENTER, ALSO DRESSED UP.

MAXWELL Well, is everyone ready to go?

FRAN We're still waiting for Susie. (SOTTO, TO BRIGHTON) I like a girl who's fashionably late.

C.C. Oh, Niles, I'm disappointed. I thought for sure you'd be sporting something from the Grateful Dead collection.

NILES Speaking of the Dead... that's a nice color on you.

DOORBELL RINGS.
NILES ANSWERS.
SUSIE ENTERS.

FRAN Hi, Susie. We've heard so much about you. Like how good you are in the front seat.

BRIGHTON (SOTTO, TO FRAN) That's first chair!

FRAN Oh. Right. What could I have been thinkin'

MAXWELL Well, we'd better get going. Traffic's a mess this time of year.

INT. CONCERT HALL - A BIT LATER
EVERYONE IS SEATED IN THE HALL, AWAITING THE
START OF THE CONCERT.

MAXWELL Whew, we just made it. Why is it that, in New York, the shortest distance between two points is always under construction?

THEY ALL PERUSE THEIR PROGRAMS.
AN USHER APPROACHES.

USHER Is everything all right, folks?

YETTA HANDS HIM HER PROGRAM.

YETTA I'll have the grilled salmon -- no butter.

SYLVIA (TO USHER) You'll have to excuse her -- she's missing a few billion brain cells.

SHE WHACKS YETTA WITH HER PROGRAM.
THE USHER EXITS. THE LIGHTS DIM.
THE ORCHESTRA WARMS UP.

C.C. (OFF PROGRAM) Oh God, no. Not Mahler. As if this evening wasn't long enough already.

NILES I'd have thought you liked Mahler. All that loneliness and despair.

C.C. Feeling better, Niles?

NILES Infinitely.

C.C. Good.

SHE WHACKS HIM WITH HER PROGRAM.

NILES Again.

C.C. Maybe later.

YETTA (SQUINTING AT STAGE) Who are they?

SYLVIA That's the orchestra.

YETTA Where's Phil?

SYLVIA Who?

YETTA New York Phil. And his harmonica.

SYLVIA WHACKS HER AGAIN.

YETTA What?!

INT. KITCHEN - LATER
FRAN, MAXWELL, AND NILES ARE NOSHING ON
LATE-NIGHT SNACKS.

FRAN So... it looks like Brighton and Susie really hit it off.

MAXWELL And thank goodness for that. I don't think I could take any more of that dreadful screeching flute.

FRAN CACKLES.

NILES Well, don't celebrate too soon, sir. It seems Master Brighton has fallen in love with two mistresses -- Miss Samuels and Music.

MAXWELL Yes... he did seem to really enjoy the concert tonight. I'm really rather proud of him. How did my son suddenly become so mature? And, seemingly, without my help?

NILES Perhaps he picked it up by just being around -- oh, I don't know -- a good, mature role model.

MAXWELL Thank you, Niles.

FRAN Uh... I think he meant me.

SHE PICKS HER TEETH WITH A FINGERNAIL.

NILES Here. These are for you.

HE HANDS MAXWELL AND FRAN EACH A SMALL BOX.
THEY OPEN THEM UP.

FRAN Oh, bless you, Niles.

MAXWELL Way to go, old man!

NILES Exactly, sir.

THEY EACH REMOVE A PAIR OF EAR PLUGS,
INSERT THEM IN THEIR EARS, AND EXIT HAPPILY.

The End

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