The Nanny, the Butler, His Wife, and Her Baby

by

Aimee
(aimeed@earthlink.net)

"Hello, old man. What can I do for you?" Max looked up and took his eyeglasses off as Niles entered carrying a sheaf of papers. He missed his old friend's constant intrusions, but with the expansion of the staff, Niles' dusting days were over. "No trouble in paradise, I hope? And just as I was learning to enjoy all the screaming and moaning at all hours of the night."

"Oh, no, sir. The screaming and moaning will continue as before. As a matter of fact, I suggest you stay clear of the butler's pantry later this afternoon. We've planned a rendezvous."

Max gave him a disgusted look. "God, Niles, I don't need to know these things! I'm already living in the Discovery Channel."

"I pity you, sir. That's not the channel I'm living in."

"Is there a point to this loathsome discussion?"

"Sorry, sir. Actually, I'm planning a small gift for CC, and I need your approval to begin work on it. I also thought you might wish to build one for Fran." Niles handed a brochure to Max. "They're all the rage now in Europe, so I thought CC and Fran might love to be among the first in this country to have them."

Max scanned the brochure. "Custom-designed gardens? But we've got acres of them already. That's nothing new."

"No, sir. We have acres of gardens, but nothing like this. These gardens are designed with the particular lady herself in mind. For example, CC's garden will contain daffodils for the color of her hair, camellias for her skin, and morning glories for her eyes."

Max's eyes lit up as he began to consider the possibilities. "And I could put in brown-eyed susans for Fran, and maybe something big and flashy and red for her sense of style."

"Now you're getting it, sir. I thought perhaps we could link the two gardens together with an archway of orange flowers, a traditional bridal flower, and baby's breath to symbolize the children."

"That's fabulous! Oh, CC and Fran will go wild over this! Niles, I do believe you're a romantic at heart."

"Indeed, sir. And I thought perhaps we could enclose it all in a maze."

"What for?" Max asked, perplexed.

"The female mentality, sir."

Max chuckled. "Ain't that the truth."

Yetta trundled through the house, looking out the windows and thinking how lovely New York City was in July. She hadn't noticed before that Frannie's townhouse had acres of lush gardens, a vast circular drive lined with palm trees, or that delicious- looking orchard full of fruit trees. Suddenly, as she was contemplating going outside to get a peach, she saw something that disturbed her. "Frannie! Frannie! Somebody's stealing your fruit!"

Fran came running with Eve in one arm. "No, Yetta, that's Geoffrey. He's one of the footmen. He's picking some peaches so Niles can make a peach pie tonight. He's not stealing them."

"Oh. Gosh, peaches growin' in Manhattan. Who'd a thunk it?" Yetta shook her head in wonder.

"Yetta, we're in California. Don't you remember? We moved to Beverly Hills so Max and CC could produce a sitcom."

"Who's CC?"

"Max's business partner. Miss Babcock." Yetta shook her head, frowning. Fran tried again. "The blonde floozy."

"Oh. Her. Ya know, you better get rid of her. She's been messing around with your husband again."

Fran grimaced. "No she hasn't, Yetta."

"Well then, who got her knocked up?"

"Niles."

"Who's Niles?"

"Neil."

"Oh! The sexy male maid." Yetta grinned. "If he wants kids, I'd be happy to help out."

"Yetta, ya can't. He and Miss Babcock are married, remember? They got married at the hospital when I had Eve and Jonah."

"Oh, yeah! In Vegas. I won a Twinkie at the slot machines and we ate it for wedding cake. Ya know, I still think you should watch out for her. That Eve's blonde, just like the rest of your children." Yetta affectionately stroked the baby's fuzzy little head, and Evie let out a sweet, gurgling sigh.

Fran shook her head. "Yetta, ya want some chocolate cake?"

"Sure, Frannie, if Sylvia hasn't eaten it all."

"First lucid thing she's said all day," Fran muttered as she left for the kitchen.

Yetta immediately forgot about Frannie and her chocolate cake when she heard the noise of an engine in the drive. She peeked out the front window. "Nice car," she said to herself. "That's the brand new model, too." A powder blue '57 Chevy rolled smoothly to a stop before the front door.

Yetta perked up. The sexy male maid was at the wheel. Too bad he'd just gotten hitched. He was a cutie. She remembered the time he'd asked her what she wanted for her shower and she asked for a massaging showerhead. "Those are fun," she'd said.

"I was talking about your wedding shower," he'd replied with a twinkle in his devilish eyes. "And yes, they are."

Yetta smiled at the memory. Then, she turned to the display in front of her and frowned. Miss Babcock was in the passenger side. Boy, she was getting more and more pregnant by the day. And she and Neil were looking at each other and laughing. He kissed her cheek as he turned off the engine, then hopped nimbly out of the car and circled around, tossing the keys to a waiting servant. Miss Babcock waited, eyeing him lasciviously as he came to open her door. He handed her out, and as soon as she'd risen awkwardly to her feet, he pressed her gently against the car and kissed her deeply. He stroked his hand lovingly across her rounded stomach, smiling proudly at her. Miss Babcock said something that made him laugh out loud, and he put his arm around her waist, such as it was, and guided her up the front steps.

That brassy blonde would do anybody! What was it with her and other women's husbands? And what about him, a newlywed himself, tramping around with a woman who was pregnant with his boss's kid?

As the two laughing lovers came in the front door, Yetta was there to greet them. "Shame on you, you knocked-up hussy! And you, Neil! Stop messin' around with the blonde and go back to your wife!"

CC rolled her eyes at Niles. "We got a divorce, Yetta," he explained. "I'm married to Miss Babcock now." CC snickered. "Hey," he murmured. "Do you have a better explanation?"

"Ya do know she's pregnant with Frannie's husband's kid?"

Now it was Niles' turn to laugh, while CC gasped in outrage. "Yetta," he said patiently, "It's my child."

"Are ya sure?"

"I'm sure."

"How do ya know?" Niles bent over and whispered something in her ear. Yetta's eyes widened behind her glasses. "Ya know, if ya ever wanna dump the crazy blonde and get yourself a real woman, you know where to find me!" Yetta grinned at him and wandered off.

Niles put his arm around CC, who narrowed her eyes at him. "Now don't be angry, dearest. She's just a senile old woman. I'd think you two would be friends, as much in common as you've got."

CC slapped his arm. "If you want to fulfill that fantasy of yours about the butlers' pantry, you'd better shut up." A reluctant little smile touched the corners of her lips.

CC had, fortunately, discovered the one surefire way to silence a newly married, hopelessly in love man. Niles followed contentedly as CC took his hand, smiling coyly, and led the way to the pantry.

CC wandered into the office that evening after dinner. Unable to locate her husband, she'd decided to get some work done. To her surprise, both Niles and Max were already there. "Hello, hello! So this is where you escaped to."

Niles and Max both jumped, and a pile of papers cascaded all over the floor. A colorful brochure landed at CC's feet, and she bent to pick it up.

"No!" Niles flung himself bodily on top of it, grabbing it and tucking it into his jacket pocket as he rose. "I mean, you shouldn't be trying to pick things up in your condition."

"Ooh, a piece of paper. Danger zone. Very heavy compared to the extra twenty pounds of butler spawn I'm hauling around twenty-four seven."

Max shoved the mysterious papers under the desk calendar. "CC, you work too hard. Why don't you go and rest? There's a lovely new movie on AMC tonight. It's, umm, ah -- "

"The Secret Garden," said Niles, ushering her out.

CC's eyes grew large. "You're planning a surprise! Fran! Fran! Max and Niles are planning a surprise!" CC left. Then she came back in, gave Niles a kiss that left him stumbling around in circles, and left again to find Fran and impart her news.

"The Secret Garden?" Max inquired with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, it's better than 'Umm, ah,'" Niles replied defensively.

"CC! A package came for you!" Fran called. "CC?"

CC came into the living room holding a pie plate. "Hi, Nanny Fine. Want some peach pie? Niles just baked it -- oh." CC looked down in consternation at the empty pie plate. "Ah, Chester must have gotten to it. Naughty puppy." Her face colored a little.

"Meanwhile, you got a little cinnamon on your face. Hold on a sec." Fran dabbed at CC's chin with a tissue. She didn't spit on it first, knowing how CC felt about that sort of thing. "Here, this came for you. Amazon.com, wow. I bet there's something in here Niles is gonna love, but whatever happened to discreet brown paper packaging?"

CC grabbed the package and heaved an exasperated sigh. "Nanny Fine, Amazon.com is an online bookstore."

"Whaddaya need books for? The way you two carry on, you could write the book if you ever stopped long enough."

CC groaned. "Nanny Fine -- thanks -- it isn't that kind of a bookstore. It's a real, normal, run-of-the-mill bookstore except that you buy all the stuff on the Internet and they mail it to you."

"Really?" Fran asked. "What did you buy?"

"I'll show you. You're welcome to read them if you want. Here, lemme borrow this a sec." CC grabbed Fran's hand and used her acrylic nail to slice open the tape on the box. She lifted out the first book.

"What to Expect When You're Expecting," Fran read over her shoulder, then reached in for the next one. "Children, the Challenge. The First Twelve Months. The Second Twelve Months. How to Satisfy A Man Every Time."

"What?".

"Just kidding," Fran said sweetly. "CC, are you trying to learn how to be a mother?"

"Well, I don't know anything about children. I can't even change a diaper. I don't know how to hold one or feed one or talk to one, or -- " CC hesitated.

"What?" Fran asked.

"Make it like me," CC grumbled.

Fran laughed and gave CC a quick hug. "Honey, it isn't all that difficult. Diapers and bottles you can learn. Niles is great at that stuff. He'll help you. As for having a child love you, well, all you have to do is let her know every chance you get how much you love her. Even when you're mad at her, which you will be at least fifty percent of the time." Fran smiled. "Now, whaddaya think the guys are planning?"

"I don't have any idea. Niles wouldn't tell me even when I put the thumbscrews on him."

Fran burst out laughing. Then she stopped abruptly. "You are kidding about the thumbscrews, aren't you?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"Now, I'll see ya later. I've got to go check on the twins. Have fun with your books!" Fran disappeared up the stairway.

Yetta wandered in. "Hey, Miss Babcock, did ya hear the latest?"

CC groaned. If she had to hear about them shooting Kennedy one more time . . .

"That sexy butler with the nice tuchus got married."

"I know, Yetta."

"How did you know? He eloped."

"He eloped with me, Yetta."

"Oh." Yetta thought about it a moment. "Well, shame on you both! What about his wife? She's pregnant! Meanwhile, you been eatin' a few too many peach pies. You're startin' to get a tummy."

CC flexed her fingers, imagining them around Yetta's crepey neck.

"Meanwhile," the old woman continued, "I'm gonna go shopping for his wedding present today. I'm gonna get him one of those massaging shower heads, just for old time's sake."

"Well, he is an old timer."

"Ain't we all. Anyway, I wonder if his bride knows how much he likes those massaging showerheads. We both do." Yetta winked broadly at CC and waddled out, never seeing the look of utter horror on CC's face.

Niles and Maxwell leafed through a catalog of home and garden implements. "I like that fountain," Niles said. "On the other hand, a gazebo is more practical."

"What about some statuary?" suggested Maxwell.

"Perhaps, but statues aren't very romantic. And we need to order this stuff today. The garden will be finished next week." Niles scanned the magazine and came to a rather graphic statue of Aphrodite and Mars. "On the other hand, statues are good. I think it rather looks like CC and I, don't you?"

Max rolled his eyes. "Well, I can see CC's resemblance to the Aphrodite, at least somewhat, but good bloody god, man, that statue of Mars is built like a stallion!"

"Yeah, what's your point?" Niles inquired haughtily, straightening his tie and flicking his hands through his hair.

Fran and Niles surveyed the scene with a mixture of amusement and frustration. "She's been like that ever since she started to show," Niles shouted over the pounding Latin dance track. "She exercises constantly. She bought a Stairmaster, a Thighmaster, a NordicTrack, and the entire Buns of Steel collection. And she throws a tantrum when the the Abs of Steel video doesn't make her tummy flat."

Fran surveyed the seven months pregnant CC, who was oblivious to everything but the exercise video she was dancing to. "At least she's not having the food cravings I did," she said hopefully.

"Are you kidding? Yesterday she ate nothing but celery and slim-fast all day, until I phoned the doctor to make her stop starving herself."

"Did it work?"

"To the tune of a pineapple pizza, two containers of Haagen Daaz, and enough peanut butter cups to tile the bathroom in chocolate." Niles eyed his wife skeptically as she held her ballooning stomach with one hand and did the Macarena with the other.

"Oy."

"Umm. I have a feeling that if I want any action from her tonight, I'm going to have to break up a menage a trois with Ben and Jerry!"

Fran giggled. "Forget it, Niles, you'll never break them up. The best thing to do is make it a menage a four. Meanwhile, I've got to say, she looks gorgeous. She's hardly gained a pound anywhere but her tummy. Well, and her chest."

"She looks like two balloons and a beach ball taped to a yardstick," Niles muttered.

"But I bet you're enjoying the balloons." Niles gave a satisfied moan. "Listen, honey, don't worry! You're just anxious because you've never done this pregnancy thing before. It'll all come out all right!"

Just then, the cool-down phase started, and CC heard Fran's voice. She waved enthusiastically. "Hey, you two! Niles, come practice my tango tape with me."

Niles pulled the tango tape from her hand. "That is enough, CC! Are you trying to bring on your labor early? Good God, woman, you're pregnant, you're supposed to gain weight. It's healthy."

CC's blue eyes went wide and filled up with tears. "You don't love me any more, do you? You think I'm ugly now! Well, you did this to me, and it's all your fault! I never wanted children, never, and now I've got Satan's spawn turning me into Shamu!"

Niles led her to the sofa as she sobbed and blew her nose noisily into his jacket. "Now, Shamu -- I mean CC," he said soothingly, sitting down next to her and putting his arms around her. "You're just as beautiful as the day I married you. More so, in fact, because your roots were showing that day."

CC's laughter cut through her tears. "I guess when you consider that I married Methuselah, I ought to be glad you can still father children. Most men lose it after the first three or four centuries."

"Well, I still got it, baby," he said soothingly. "And it's yours any time you want it."

Fran sighed happily. "Oh, this is so sweet! Niles, you doll! CC, you're so lucky to have a great guy like him!"

CC lifted her tearstained face from Niles' shoulder. "What's she doing here?" she demanded suspiciously.

Niles shot Fran an apologetic look. "She brought you some presents, darling. Look, let's see what she brought." Luckily, CC was easily distracted these days.

Fran hurried over and sat on CC's other side. "See, I brought a little basket. It's got some stuff for you, and some for little Chastity, Jr."

Chastity, Sr. shuddered. "There is no way I'm saddling my child with that horrible name. Do you know how badly I got teased? Hell, I had a whole retinue of thugs on the payroll to beat up anybody who mentioned it."

"High school must have been rough," Fran said sympathetically.

"High school? That was kindergarten!"

"Besides," Niles added. "I'm afraid she'll turn out just as inappropriately named as her mother! In fact, I'm thinking of naming her Trollop just as a precaution."

CC elbowed him, laughing. "Let's see what you've brought, Nanny Fine. Ooh, hot pepper jelly. Niles, can you tell Angelica to buy some jalapeno poppers, please?"

Niles pulled out a notebook and added the poppers to the twenty other things his wife had requested that day, including the diet soda, the BMW convertible, and some personal trainer named Radu, who came recommended by Regis Philbin.

"Croutons?" CC asked, holding up a small package marked "Loaf & Kisses."

"Well, since you were on that big dieting kick, I thought they might go well on a salad."

"Good idea," said CC, but the words were muffled by a mouthful of croutons. "Yummy! They're really good!" She offered them to Niles and Fran, neither of whom took any. They feared the explosion if CC were deprived of this newest toy.

"Thanks," said Fran. "I found them in Ma's cupboard just before we moved. They were hidden behind some Wheaties with Mary Lou Retton on the box."

CC passed the croutons to Niles, who set them aside. She pulled out a container of Ghiradelli chocolate sauce.

"Oh, darling, our first sex toy," Niles said dreamily.

CC looked at him strangely. "As if! What about the -- umm, never mind. What's this?" She pulled out a long object wrapped in tissue paper.

"I think you have to unwrap it," her husband told her. "That's the point of the paper, see?"

He was rewarded with CC's patented "Shut up or die" glare. Then, her face brightened. "Oooh, it's a rattle! A little silver rattle! Oh, Niles, our daughter's first toy! I bet she'll look so pretty holding it at her christening."

Fran gave her a look of horror. "You can't let her play with that! It's a valuable antique!"

CC replied haughtily, "She's half Babcock. She can play with anything she wants."

"Except boys," said Niles jealously. "First time a man touches her, this butler is trading in his feather duster for a shotgun. Speaking of which, look at this." Niles pulled out the next item in the basket. "It's for the butler half of her."

CC squealed. "A teeny weeny feather duster!" she cried. "Oh, I just adore it!" CC "dusted" Niles' chest. "I just might have to keep this myself. Could prove useful."

Niles peered into CC's ear. "Gimme that."

"What are you doing, Niles?"

"I'm seeing if I can fit the little feather duster in here to clean up your dirty mind. You are not a fit mother for my child."

CC cuddled up to him and drew her nails lightly up and down his chest. "Do you really want me to change?" she asked seductively.

He smiled down at her, that warm, quirky smile she loved so much. "Never," he answered, "unless you're changing into a lacy ensemble that came from Victoria's Secret."

CC grew pensive. "You used to smile like that for everybody but me," she said softly.

Niles didn't know what to do about her lightning-fast mood swings, but he knew when a hug was needed. "Still hate you, baby," he said softly, pulling her close and pressing his lips to her silky golden hair.

CC smiled, holding him tightly. "Hate you more, lover."

Fran knew when to leave. "See you later, you two lovebirds," she said softly. Once outside the door, she grumbled, "Ugh, I am so going to vomit."

CC lay with her head on Niles' lap as he stroked her hair. She held the rattle in her hands and turned it over and over. "It's so beautiful," she said dreamily. "I can't wait to give it to my little girl."

"I thought you never wanted children and it was all my fault that you had Satan's spawn inside you."

"Oh, Niles," she said impatiently, smiling, "That was five minutes ago!"

"Oy," said Niles.

"Niles, what were you doing with Nanny Fine?"

Niles grinned, wondering if CC would ever call Fran by her name. "Helping her with Jonah and Eve, and getting dinner ready. It's really worked out well, having your maid serve for me."

"I wish you'd stop butling."

Niles frowned. "Are you still having issues about that?"

"If I still had issues about your job, I'd never have married you. It's not you I have a problem with. It's just . . . well . . . you deserve everything. I can give it to you. Why do you still have to be Maxwell's servant?"

"But darling, what would I do if I didn't butle?"

"Anything you wanted."

"I can't. Fran's babies aren't even six months old. She still needs me."

CC scowled. "And our baby won't? Fran has enough energy for ten mothers now that she's over that postpartum depression she had a few months back!"

CC's eyes came to rest on an empty exercise video box on the table. Suddenly, looking at the picture of the nubile dancers on the cover, she realized exactly why Nanny Fine came first. Nanny Fine was thin, beautiful, sweet-tempered, and full of energy. CC was a mean-tempered, fat old pregnant cow.

Did Niles want Nanny Fine now? He'd been so secretive lately, always sneaking around. And after all, if he'd take a shower with Yetta . . .

Niles smiled down at her, not too terribly worried when she turned petulantly away from him. She still let her cheek rest against his thigh, and it reminded him of a night several months ago, just after they returned from their honeymoon.

"Niles?"

"Mmmm?"

"It's real, isn't it? I mean, it's really happening?"

"What is?" Niles reached past her to put on a light. CC was curled up on her side, facing away from him. They often slept so, with Niles curled around her.

"This baby thing."

"Yeah," he said slowly. "It sure is."

CC turned over to face him, reaching for his hand. "I could hear in your voice how happy you are. I love you for being happy about it."

"I love you for everything. I love the baby, too."

"So do I, I think, it's just . . . I don't know . . . I don't know if I can do this."

Niles sat up and lifted her against him, snuggled into the crook of his arm, her head on his shoulder. "You always think of yourself as doing things alone. You aren't. I'm here."

"I'm glad. With my doctor's appointment tomorrow, it's starting to sink in. Before this, it wasn't quite real. I wasn't quite married, or pregnant, just happy living in a fantasy. This is the part where I find out if it's all real and if I can handle it."

"Don't worry," Niles said gently. "I'm here, I'm always here."

The next day, CC's pensive mood might never have happened. She was impatient and wanted everything now, now, now. She wanted to be at the doctor's ten minutes ago. She wanted her exam. She wanted her ultrasound.

Most of all, she wanted to go to the bathroom. A pelvic ultrasound involved drinking a ridiculous amount of water and then waiting until you were at the point of bursting, until the doctor used something that looked like a computer mouse to take pictures of the baby. Dr. Scott took an unnecessarily long amount of time about it, and CC suspected that the doctor was enjoying herself hugely.

"Don't worry about your bladder," Dr. Scott said cheerfully. "I've never lost a patient yet. I'd have to charge them for the dry cleaning, you see."

"Is it healthy? Has it got everything it's supposed to? What kind is it?" demanded CC."

"Yes, yes, and -- oh, wait a sec. What's that I see?"

"What?" demanded the parents in unison.

"Is that a tail I see? Maybe a third eye developing in the middle of the forehead? Gaa--aak!"

That unpleasant noise resulted from CC's hands squeezing around Dr. Scott's throat, ending the doctor's prank. "My bladder's about to rupture and you're playing mind games? Just cut to it!"

"Sorry. Very poor taste in jokes I've got. Congratulations, Niles and CC, it's a girl."

"A girl! Oh, sweetheart!" Niles tried to fling his arms around a flailing CC.

"Hold that thought a sec, lover." CC grabbed a plastic cup off the counter and fled. She returned, handling the sample with fastidious distaste. The doctor took it in gloved hands, grinning.

"Now, CC, we need to make an appointment for your amniocentesis."

"Amino acid what?"

"Amniocentesis. That's where we test for diseases by plunging a three foot long needle through your belly and suck out a sample of the precious amniotic fluid keeping your only child alive."

"Like bloody hell!" chorused two voices.

"That's just the short-short version, " said Dr. Scott gleefully. "It gets a lot more complicated than that."

Now, three months later, this pregnancy thing was very obviously as real as it got -- and colossally less entertaining than it was supposed to be.

CC sat on the bed. She tried to assume her best thinking position, which was cross-legged with her elbows on her knees, but the closest she got was crossed ankles and her arms folded over her newly voluptuous chest. That benefit was one of the few things about pregnancy that CC was wholly in favor of. Other than that, she wanted that kid outta her.

On the other hand, evidently she was about to have problems getting the father in her. "I don't get it," she muttered. "Fran has two of them, and Max fawns over her like nobody ever got pregnant before, even when she's at her fattest. I have one of them and suddenly my husband is showering with Yetta and Fran's buying me presents just so she can spend some time with Niles without anybody suspecting what's going on. This sucks.

"It can't just be that Fran's beautiful. Physically, Niles obviously thinks I'm what it's all about -- or at least he did! Maybe it's that nurturing thing she does." CC suddenly realized that she was talking to her stomach and stroking it gently. "Hey, look at that! She's not even born yet, and we're already having heart-to-hearts. Mommy loves ya, kid. I can do that nurturing thing, too!"

CC got up and began to pace. "I'll show Niles I can be just as sensitive as Fran. I'll take such care of him. I'll be gracious and giving and I'll out-domestic the domestic himself!"

Just then, Niles entered their bedroom. "Honey, is it okay with you if I lie down? I'm not feeling well."

"Yahoo!" shrieked CC. "I mean, don't worry, honey, I'll look after you."

This is just the chance I need. Hey in there, if you inherited any of your dad's talent in the kitchen, feel free to weigh in with a suggestion or two.

Niles was just drifting off to sleep when CC came in and lay a hand on his shoulder. "I brought you some medicine."

Niles eyed the beer stein containing a peculiar, mud-colored liquid. "Please tell me this is some kind of herbal Robitussin."

"Nope, CC said proudly. "It's my own personal blend. Peppermint tea, because that's what my Nanny always gave me when I got sick, lemon juice for lots of vitamin C, a couple of echinacea pills ground up, and a healthy measure of whiskey just to cure whatever ails you."

"I hope it works fast, because suddenly I've got an upset stomach."

CC frowned. "Should I add a shot of Pepto Bismol?

"NO!"

CC giggled happily on her way down to the kitchen. "Now, for some real comfort food! Chicken noodle soup."

CC carefully tied an apron on over her clothing. "At least there's one piece of clothing in this house that still fits me!" she mumbled as she tied the strings.

CC remembered the time she took a cooking class. She didn't think tortillas and guacamole were exactly sickness foods, but there had to be something useful among that jumble of cups and spoons and truffles and cake.

Okay. You start by getting out all your ingredients. CC got some chicken out of the freezer and put it in the microwave to thaw. She found some spaghetti. She put it in a pot with water and turned it on high. Then she began to boil a bigger pot of water to make the soup broth.

The microwave dinged. CC got the chicken out. Rather than being defrosted, it was cooked all the way through. "Well. Isn't that handy." CC chopped it up and added it to the broth. As an afterthought, she added salt, pepper, and plenty of garlic. Everybody knew garlic was good for sick people.

Feeling extremely in control of matters, Cc went to check on the spaghetti. Still hard. Pooh. Maybe she should check on Niles while she waited. After all, Niles alone in a bed was a dangerous thing. Mightn't be too long before Nanny Fine decided to drop by and give him some good medicine of her own!

CC dashed upstairs and found Niles closed in the bathroom. He refused to let her in. A sick retching sound came out to greet her when she called through the door.

Niles made a gagging noise for effect and poured the remainder of CC's "medicine" into the toilet. This produced a gratifyingly realistic sound. It backfired, however, when CC's voiced, laced with concern, floated through the door.

"Sweetheart? Don't you worry. I'll have your dinner ready in no time."

CC ran downstairs and found most of her spaghetti stuck to the light above the stove. "Oh, well," she said. "Niles just cleaned that light yesterday. It's perfectly hygienic." CC peeled the noodles off the light and dropped them into the soup.

She frowned down at her soup. Chicken soup was yellow and had little green thingies floating in it. She began to rummage through the spice cabinet. Mustard powder. That was yellow. Oh, yes -- and green wasabi -- if Niles had a stuffy nose, that would fix it right up.

Niles, meanwhile, decided that a hot shower would be just the thing for the sore back that had sent him to bed in the first place.

CC decided that her concoction might not taste exactly like chicken soup, but it came from the heart. Meanwhile, it might be wise to provide some dessert.

Oranges had vitamin C. She peeled one, sectioned it, and dropped it into the blender. She added some crushed ice, milk for calcium, and some honey in case he had a sore throat. She blew a kiss into the blender for love and pushed the "puree" button to make a smoothie.

The entire contents made a big "blurble" sound and launched themselves at her face.

Hair, face, and shoulders covered in pureed orange, CC acknowledged the end of her marriage and began to cry. She slipped in some fallen smoothie and plopped down on the floor.

Just then, Fran walked in and began to laugh. CC hurled the remaining contents of the blender at her and went off into a fresh bout of tears.

"CC, what were you trying to make?" Fran asked.

CC waved a dripping hand at the empty spaghetti box and the pot. "Chicken noodle soup," she wailed.

Fran silently reached into a cupboard and pulled out a can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup.

Niles was happily humming to himself, the hot water soothing away his aches, when the door opened and closed, and CC came in. She quickly, emotionlessly, shucked her clothes and stepped into the shower with him.

"Don't ask," she growled. "Just don't ask."

"But sweetheart, I gotta be me."

"I tried to make you a smoothie and some soup to make you feel better," she sobbed. Niles burst out laughing.

"Stop laughing at me!"

"I'm sorry, sweet love, it's just that I'm not sick. I had a bit of a backache from changing the bulbs in the carriage lights along the driveway."

CC looked even more despairing as orange cream trailed down her body. Niles hugged her tight. "Silly doll, what put it into your head to go all domestic?"

"I want you to still love me. I'm getting so fat, and I'm so uncomfortable all the time, and you --- eeeee!" CC leapt away from him.

"What?"

"You took a shower with Yetta!"

"What?"

"Yetta said you liked to play with the massaging showerhead."

Niles laughed so hard he had to sit down. He well remembered the saucy octogenarian and her desire to receive a showerhead for her honeymoon. "No, sweetheart, I bought Yetta one for her wedding present. That's what she said she wanted -- for her and Sammy! Good lord, me and -- ooohhhhhh, that's just vile."

"Well, what about Fran?"

"What about her?"

"Aren't you having an affair with her?"

"As if I didn't hear her shrieking 'Ni-yules!!!!' every time her mother wants an egg cream! The last thing I need is to hear that next to me in bed!"

"You're not having affairs with anyone?"

"Not a one."

"Well then, why are you spending so much time alone with Maxwell?" Suddenly CC's eyes widened and took on a naughty, speculative gleam. If that was who Niles' lover was, she might just have to learn to live with this one!

"No! No, no, no, no, no, no! I am not sleeping with Mr. Sheffield!"

CC pouted. "I'm still jealous that Fran got to see the two of you together in bed in Beverly Hills last spring. I miss everything."

"I tell you what. If you can make an arrangement like that with Mrs. Sheffield, we might be able to do business."

CC began to beat Niles with a pink scrubby sponge.

Niles stood up and embraced her, and kissed all her sulks away. "Don't worry, my love. You'll find out soon enough what the surprise is, and you'll adore it."

CC smiled up at him, kissing his wet mouth as water from the shower still pelted them. "I adore you," she said, all smiles again.

Anyway, if she made him a happy man in the shower, he might not be so mad when he saw the state of the kitchen.

"Well, my demonic darling," Niles said to her as he wiped the last of the orange smoothie off the ceiling with a mop, "Your cooking talents may not be your most noticeable asset, but judging by our little rendezvous in the shower, you are the cure for anything that ails me."

"Except a lack of work," CC answered, laughing as she handed him the colorfully encrusted soup pot."

"Fear not -- with another butler, your maid, and two footmen, the only reason I ever clean is out of a sense of altruism -- otherwise, I've gone strictly supervisor."

"That's okay. I love it when you do the in-charge thing."

Max and Fran walked in. "All clear? I heard a rumor that CC's been cooking," Max said.

"The industrial cleaning crew just left, sir. They said to let her cook whenever she likes. They're short of work now that the oil spill in Alaska is under control."

"Are you ready to show the ladies our surprise?" Max asked.

"Certainly -- just don't let my wife near a set of pruning shears, or our garden will be balder than Ghandi."

"Another garden?" muttered Fran. "They think we're going to get this excited about another friggin' garden?"

"And trust my husband to spill the secret before we've even seen it," CC added.

Ten minutes later, Fran knocked Maxwell to the ground by enthusiastically throwing herself at him and raining kisses on him. CC, too, was impressed -- especially by Niles' collection of graphic Greek statues.

CC and Niles followed politely as Maxwell led the way through a maze lined on either side by seven foot tall shrubbery. Each lady was given a piece of paper with the solution to the maze so she wouldn't get lost.

After a whiles, they came out in a large chamber with a gazebo in the center. Brown-Eyed Susans nodded their friendly heads at the flashy red gladiolas, who preened and posed. Except for the neatly groomed gravel paths, the entire area was carpeted in the brightest, gaudiest, pansies Max could find. He led the four around by the paths, explaining the significance of each flower.

"And now, my darling, your own personal laboratory," he said proudly. "Over here is where we grow the beauty products."

"What?" Fran looked confused but intrigued.

"Aloe, which is remarkably good for the skin, or so I'm told. An orange tree, so you can stop paying for those aromatherapy facials at Elizabeth Arden. You can make your own. Sage and rosemary, which are excellent for the hair, and a few other things I don't recall. I kept a list of everything right here in this blank book. I thought you could use the rest of the book to record your experiments to see which things you like best."

"Oh, honey, you are so romantic!"

Niles saw that CC's face had fallen. More specialness for Fran. He knew CC longed to be special in her own right, not just as a foil to make Fran look good.

"Come here," he murmured.

As Fran oohed and aahed over her Fran garden, Niles led CC under an archway of decadently fragrant orange blossoms. At the base of the trees, baby's breath brushed their feet.

"Close your eyes." Niles took both her hands and led her through a small gate. "Now open."

CC opened her eyes and gasped. Everywhere she saw color. Not the bright, flashy tones of the Fran-garden, but the pale, rich colors she favored herself. Rose bushes lined the far wall, and Niles had mixed up the colors, remembering that she liked multicolored bouquets of roses the best.

At her feet, creamy white camellias flowed outward interspersed with taller yellow daffodils. Behind the bed of camellias, a trellis arched upward with lush blue morning glories already inching upward toward the sky.

Niles explained the color symbolism for her hair, skin, and eyes. CC's breath was taken by the romance. Then, Niles took her hand and led her to the corner. There, hidden in a little stone urn, were miniature pink roses.

"What are those for?" she whispered.

"Shhhh. They're hidden away -- the pink ones are only for me to know about."

CC blushed deeply, delighted.

"Come and look over here. I put a little table and chair with a little sunshade for you to come here and read or work."

"Why is there only one chair?"

"Because it's only for you. Your special place that you don't have to share."

CC looked at him in confusion. More gently, Niles said, "This is something you don't have to let Fran be a part of."

CC flung her arms around him. "I love you so much! It's not that I don't like her now, really, it's just -- "

"You don't have to explain. All my life, I've had to share everything I ever had with Maxwell. I care about the Sheffields, but I know what it's like to want to have something of your very own. As long as I'm their butler, you'll have to share me with them sometimes, although you and the baby will always be my first priority. But this place is something that's 100% yours, something special just for you."

"Oh, lord, I love you."

"I love you too. Come on, it's getting chilly. Let's get you inside the house."

As they locked the gate to CC's garden and Niles gave her the small brass key, they heard Fran yelling, "Hey, you two! Can we go? I am having such a yen for a pan of brownies!"

"Double that and add some peanut butter, and you're on!" CC agreed.

"I knew we forgot something," Niles grimaced.

"What?" Max asked.

"We forgot to hook the fountain up to chocolate instead of water."

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