An alternative take on Niles’ heart attack and the time C.C. spent at “The Place.”
(And remember, it’s not to be taken seriously.)

The Not So Awful Truth

by

Denise
(scholars_parrot@lycos.com)

It was strange. Since the day Niles suffered his heart attack and C.C. summoned Fran and Maxwell home from London, Fran was aware of something unusual going on in the relationship between Maxwell’s butler and business partner. “Unusual” as in way beyond the typically bizarre occurrences.

At first she was shocked to realize how concerned and vulnerable C.C. was in regard to Niles and his health. Even though the doctors had assured them it was a relatively mild incident, C.C. remained entirely unconvinced and needed continual comforting. She actually displayed shades of tenderness, and none of the Sheffield clan could begin to imagine what had brought about this unfathomable change. Nor could they become accustomed to it, which was just as well, for the kinder, gentler Miss Babcock wasn’t around all that long. After she caught Fran and Maxwell in a nearly compromising position in Niles’ hospital room, the old C.C. returned in full force and things between her and Niles turned decidedly chilly. There was an edgy subfreezing bite to their bickering and an absolute resentment that had not before been present.

To be sure, the frosty acrimony briefly disappeared when Fran’s cousin took on the task of redecorating the Sheffield kitchen. Niles and C.C. seemed almost attracted to one another in some sort of lurid, halfway frightening and solely pheromonal way. But the attraction lasted only as long as the noxiously revolting decor was in place.

What had happened? Why had the dynamic of their relationship been altered? It must have had something to do with the heart attack, but what? Oh, well, with those two you just never knew. Fran soon dismissed any thought of the pair as she became more and more absorbed in her own relationship with Maxwell, which was finally on track.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Niles and C.C. were alone in the house the day everything came to a head. Still recovering from the heart attack, Niles was slowly easing back into his routine as butler. They spent the morning sneering at each other while C.C. worked in the office. Whenever he came in to perform a task, she’d casually move an object and gesture a silent command for him to return it to its proper place. Each time, he wanted to reciprocate with his own silent gesture, but instead he would grudgingly restore the particular item to its rightful location.

After several rounds of her little game, the inevitable explosion was set to occur. She sensed his imminent outburst, rose from Maxwell’s desk and braced herself. They stood motionless, each glaring at the other. The air in the room was dead calm and eerily reminiscent of the instant before a tornado touches ground. He slowly walked toward her and she stepped out to meet him. Their movements were those of two graceful, dangerous animals cautiously waiting to pounce. She folded her arms and stared him down. “Niles, why are you and your little feather duster hanging about this office? Can’t you find anything worthwhile to do?”

“Not in this room, there’s absolutely nothing and no one worth ‘doing’ in here.”

He got her good and she had to admit, if only to herself, she had that one coming. She almost let it pass without responding, but instead blurted out the first words that came to mind. “That’s not how you felt six weeks ago, you useless mop handle of a menial!”

“I seem to recall the feeling was mutual -- as was the groping. You certainly found this menial’s mop handle more than useful on that day!” Though she was the first to make a reference to what had happened between them, his mention of it made her terribly uncomfortable. She suddenly wished the conversation would come to an end, but C.C.woefully underestimated the sting of her “menial” comment. A fierce instinct took control and propelled Niles to continue. “What was I thinking? I almost imagined it meant something. I should have known a bitch in heat would mount the nearest available male!”

“Oh, I can’t believe you said that. I ought to slap you!” She stamped her foot, clenched her hands into tight fists and hissed, “Too bad a male wasn’t available that day, I wouldn’t have settled for YOU!”

“I’ve seen most of the clucks you’ve paired off with through the years, you’ve settled for a lot less, Babcock!” She caught his deliberate emphasis on the word ‘clucks’ and it angered her further, but she was unable to respond as he continued his assault. “You were ashamed from the start. I may have been having a heart attack, but I was conscious enough to realize you made every effort to ‘cover our tracks.’”

“What are you talking about?”

“You systematically arranged for it to appear as though I had gone to bed at the onset of chest pain. You nearly killed me straightening the cover and sheets and getting me back into my clothes. You certainly didn’t want anyone guessing at...”

She interrupted. “I was just trying to make you comfortable and spare a portion of your dignity. Did you really want to be stark naked when the paramedics arrived?”

“Too late to spare my dignity. All my dignity was out the door the moment some other portion of me entered you!”

“Oh, I really should slap you for that!”

“Admit it. You wanted to make damn sure no one knew the ultra Upper-East-Side Miss Babcock had been serviced by a servant. I heard you relay your little story -- how you came looking for me when I didn’t respond to your call, how you discovered me ashen and in bed, and how you had absolutely no idea what might have precipitated the event. At least your account was partly true. You absolutely discovered me in bed that day, and you certainly did come all right!”

“I’m not going to listen to this.” She turned her back to him in a dismissive manner. “You’re becoming way too vulgar.”

Niles grabbed her by the shoulders and spun her around. “I seem to recall you like vulgar. What was it, Miss Babcock? Just exactly how did you put it? ‘Talk dirty to me, Niles’?”

“I am going to smack you for that!” And she did. She slapped him so violently the red imprint of her hand lingered on his burning cheek for hours. And what had been an indecipherable and intriguing relationship evolved into a battle of all too determined and unforgiving wills. Once companionable enemies, each now set out to destroy the other.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

How had it happened? Why did she ever let it happen? She’d long been aware of the little spark of something that was present whenever they were together. Truth be told she could always count on it for a bit of amusement -- kicks and jollies served up by the butler, and kicks and jollies offered in return. If occasionally the spark flared into something a little more volatile, what had been the harm? She thought back to other times the spark had ignited: the industrial strength tongue-fest Maxwell and Nanny Fine caught them in, and all those glorious Gershwin tunes and a late night dance in the Sheffield living room that neither had wanted to end.

Why had this time been different? For a start there was the fact that no one else was about the place that day. Fran and Max were in London, and the kids -- what were their names? -- were at school.

Then there was the feeling her life was in a hopeless rut. Maxwell hadn’t shown any real interest in her since the nanny turned up on the doorstep. Though she hated to admit it, he probably wasn’t the man for her. If he preferred the tramp, wasn’t that a clear indication his taste simply wasn’t what it should be, and certainly not equal to her own? The awful truth was she really only knew of one man whose taste measured up, but it was unthinkable. Totally impossible. Absurd even. Yet somehow Niles seemed the person most singularly able to meet all her complicated needs.

The thought disturbed her and she grumbled aloud, “No, I can’t even consider it. It’s madness. We’d kill each other, for heaven’s sake.”

As if on cue, Niles entered the office. “Miss Babcock, has something happened to upset you?”

“Uh, no. Why do you ask?”

“You look rather distressed.”

As upset as she was, she was still able to appreciate that ridiculous new look of his. What on earth could have prompted him to do it? “I was just thinking about your new hair color. That’s enough to distress anyone.”

“Not a good look, eh?”

“Only if you’re a Jerry Lewis wannabe.”

He nodded in agreement. “I’ll wash it out tonight. Although perhaps I shouldn’t. Maybe I should just convince you to go back to your natural shade. With dark hair and those shoulder pads, you’d bear a remarkable resemblance to Dean Martin. Think about it -- we’d make quite a team.”

“Niles, I’m not wearing shoulder pads, and we can never be a team!”

“Oh...” Niles paused slightly, “well then, am I to assume you’re taking up with your natural element and joining the Rat Pack?” He leaned in dangerously close, “And I do mean that literally, as in vermin.” A self-satisfied smirk was on his face.

Her arms were folded. “You know, Niles, it’s actually quite a coincidence. I remind you of Dean Martin, you remind me of Mary Martin.” C.C. unfolded her arms and pointed in the direction of his newly dyed mop. “When you wash that out tonight, you really should put on the cast album of South Pacific and wash it out to your role model’s big number!”

“Oh, I am forever trying to wash that man right out of my hair, but it doesn’t work -- each and every morning you still arrive like clockwork.” He noticed a glint in her eye. She was taking particular pleasure in their banter and it encouraged him to continue, “Or in deference to your age, I should say you’re as reliable as a sundial. Isn’t that the instrument you ancients prefer when telling time?”

She smiled slightly and veered the conversation away from any mention of her age. “Your hair, Niles, we were discussing your hair.”

“Indeed we were.”

The intensity in his eyes threw her for a loop. “This is impossible,” she muttered under her breath.

“What?”

“Uh... nothing.” She was terribly self-conscious.

“No, there is something. Tell me.”

Why was he showing such concern? Was it a game? Was he setting her up? She couldn’t let him know what she was thinking. She had to make him believe her addled state was due to the long, tedious, and ultimately failed pursuit of Maxwell Sheffield. “Maxwell’s never going to wash Nanny Fine out of his hair, is he?”

“Is that what’s bothering you?”

She intended to say ‘yes’ but when she looked in his eyes, focused on her like a laser, she couldn’t manage the pretense. “That’s not all of it.”

“What then?”

“There’s another man -- I can’t seem to put him out of my mind.”

“Who? Surely not that horrible Chandler fellow. He was so... so...” For once he was at a loss for words.

“Beneath me?”

“Well, I hate to be reminded of that, but yes.”

“So you think I have some merit? I mean, to rate above Chandler.”

“Of course I do,” Niles answered. “But then how much merit would it take to rate higher than that insipid, preening fool of a man? My God, he’s a character straight out of a soap opera.”

“Don’t be so free with the compliments, you’ll turn my head.”

“Good, if it turns away from my direction, I won’t have to look at your hideous face.”

“Well, if I turn it away from your direction, I won’t have to look at your hideously sagging neck.” They reluctantly grinned at each other. “What is it with us, Niles? Why do we always do this?”

“I don’t know.” He stared at her for a moment. “But for once in my life, I intend to find out.” He made a slight move in her direction, hesitated to look for a sign of reciprocal longing, then threw himself into her awaiting arms.

There was a fury, an abandon, an overwhelming intoxication to the kiss. And an undeniable awareness that it wouldn’t end there; a foregone conclusion it couldn’t end there.

“Miss Babcock?” Niles pulled his lips away from hers and began to kiss her neck.

“Hmmm?” was the only response she could murmur.

“Shall we take this upstairs?”

“I’m not sure. I need to think.” But how could she begin to think? She was stunned out of her senses.

He waited a moment before asking, “When will you know?”

His lips and hands robbed her of the ability to process rational thought. “I just need to be certain about one thing...” Her eyes were closed, and her head leaned to one side as his mouth and touch pulsated through every fiber of her being.

“Yes, go on.” His lips brushed against her cheek as he spoke.

“If we do this...” Her voice trailed off.

“Yes?”

“Well, you’re not just doing this to have something to use against me?” It was her greatest fear.

Niles assaulted her with kisses as he spoke. “Oh, I already have something to use, all right, and not just against you.” He pressed his hips into hers, leaving no doubt as to the meaning of his words.

C.C. gasped a response. “Niles, you’re usually much more subtle with your wickedness.”

Niles questioned her choice of words. “‘Wickedness,’ Miss Babcock? Surely not.” He kissed her neck over and over again, driving her wild. “That term implies a certain hardness of heart -- not at all the something I had in mind.”

He placed a hand under her chin to turn her face toward his, and his eyes asked the burning question his lips reiterated. “Upstairs then?”

Suddenly certain of what she wanted, C.C. answered by looking directly in his gaze and nodding. “Yes, most definitely upstairs.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Afterward, Niles held her in his arms and sighed. He then issued a laugh that was without a doubt the most contented in the history of humankind.

C.C.’s curiosity was roused. “You sound rather pleased with yourself. What are you thinking?”

“Well, based on your enthusiasm, I’m thinking you must be wildly attracted to dark-haired Englishmen. If I had known that was all it took to get you into bed, I would have dyed my hair ages ago.”

She raised her head from his chest, looked directly in his eyes and teased with an old cliché. “So it was good for you too?”

“Let me think.” He tilted his head in her direction and continued, “Uhhhh, yes!” They both laughed.

“I’m so glad the feeling is mutual.”

“I take it everything was to your liking?” His voice dropped to nearly a whisper, “Quite enough foreplay and all that?”

“I’d say nearly 20 years of foreplay is more than adequate. And as for the ‘all that,’ it was beyond belief. Absolutely everything was to my liking. Couldn’t you tell?”

“Well, I thought so, but the butler in me wanted to know.”

“Apparently the ‘butler in you’ wasn’t listening when the butler was in me.”

“He heard, it’s just that he appreciates a good word now and then.”

“Niles?” Her head returned to his chest.

“Hmmm?”

“About that dark hair of yours. You are still going to lose the new look, aren’t you? I can personally guarantee you’ll have more fun as a blonde.”

“If that’s what you gentlemen prefer, think of it as a thing of the past. Now, you answer a question for me.”

“Fire away.”

He couldn’t resist an allusion to what had just happened. “If you’ll remember, I just did.”

“Yes, you did, and such a high caliber too.” Her hand made circles on his chest. “So tell me, what’s your question?”

“What is it you’re thinking, Miss Babcock?” He was desperate to know her innermost thoughts.

“Well, for one thing, I’m thinking you might want to call me ‘C.C.’ And for another, I’m thinking about the charity auction and how I really didn’t take full advantage of your services as a slave. Just imagine what I could have had for 37 bucks!”

“I thought as much at the time. Anything else on your mind?”

“Well, there is one other thing.” She sounded a little reluctant.

“C’mon, you can tell me.” He gently prodded, “No reason to be shy now.”

She raised up a bit to answer. “Okay, it’s the circus.”

“The circus?!” He didn’t know how to take that.

“One of my most vivid childhood memories is of the circus. I don’t know why that should be, but it is. I was rarely allowed to do anything ‘ordinary’ people did, so I didn’t know what to expect. Once I got there, wow, was I ever amazed. It wasn’t so much the various acts as it was the electricity in the air. It was one of the few times I felt I was part of the crowd and not standing isolated to one side. It was magical and I felt connected in a way I’ve rarely felt since.” She turned to look directly in his eyes. “I felt an overwhelming connection like that today.”

“Well, I should hope so.” They laughed and he kissed her temple and held her tighter.

She surprised herself by sharing feelings that simmered up from the past. It was a relief to finally be able to bare her soul, still she didn’t want things to become too cloying. “Of course, that’s not the only reason I thought of the circus. When you lay on your back with the sheet spread over you, the phrase ‘big top’ just naturally comes to mind. I swear, Niles, I believe Ringling Brothers could perform under that!”

Of course, he took it as the ultimate compliment. “Maybe I should start serving popcorn and pink lemonade. Hmm, what do you think?”

“I think that and anything else you decide to serve would be quite a treat.”

“Funny you should say that. I’ve something in mind to serve right now.” He leered at her and wiggled his eyebrows, and she fell back into the sheets laughing.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

“Oh, Niles, that was so good!”

He agreed with a nod. “This is nice too.”

“What?”

“Being here with you, holding you in my arms afterward. For lack of a better description, the pillow talk.”

“Must be a real change of pace for you -- to actually share pillow talk with a woman instead of a pillow.”

If she was going to tease, so would he. “Well, I imagine it’s quite a change of pace for you. Isn’t the standard procedure for your dates to put the money on the dresser and immediately leave?”

“I just love it when you say that sort of thing, Niles. You can’t imagine what a turn-on a remark like that is.”

“Oh, but I can imagine. That’s precisely why I said it.” Her back was pressed against his chest and he reached to pull the blanket over her. “Here, let’s get you under the cover.”

“Already? You just got me between the sheets.”

“That I did. You got me pretty good too.” He tucked the blanket and they snuggled tightly.

“You can be a real softie when you choose.”

“Softie? I’m not sure I like the sound of that.”

“No, I guess that isn’t too appropriate. Nothing soft about you. How about ‘charmer’ then?”

“Much better.” He whispered in her ear, “Are you warm enough?”

“Who’d have thought you would ever take such care of me?”

“Well, I can’t have you catching a chest cold. Now that I’ve seen the blessed things with my own eyes, I fear such a condition might prove fatal.”

She shifted to face him. “How much time do we have before, uh, uh... Burton and Lacy come home?”

“Honestly, C.C!”

“What?”

“Well, to begin with you’ve forgotten someone, namely, Miss Margaret.”

“Margaret, who’s that? Oh, the big one, right?”

“Don’t you think it’s just a little bit shameful you’ve been around the Sheffield children since the day each was born, and you still don’t know their names? Or for that matter, how many there are.”

“Come to think of it, isn’t it just a little bit shameful we’ve spent the entire day doing what we’ve been doing, and you and I still don’t know each other’s full names?”

“Oh, I’ve a good idea as to what one of those ‘Cs’ stands for.”

C.C. gave him a dangerous stare. “Just what do you think it stands for? And be careful.”

“I thought it might be an old family name. You seem to share a kinship with Lady Chatterley,” he lowered his voice, “you’ve been very generous with the hired help.”

“Think you’re clever, huh? That’s not even close.”

“Well, if that’s not it, I’m at a loss. All I can tell you is I’m fairly certain the name ‘Chastity’ isn’t a real possibility.”

A brief look of alarm appeared on her face, but he didn’t notice and she quickly regained her composure. “If you’re so keen to have me keep track of everyone’s name, maybe I should insist on hearing yours before we give this another whirl.”

He thought a moment. “Perhaps names are overrated commodities. I dare say you’ve made a convert of me --‘what’s in a name?’ and all that.”

“Hah, I thought you’d see it my way!”

“Indeed, I do.” He took the hand she rested on his chest, drew it to his mouth, and kissed it. “Love, I hate to leave such good company, but if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to run to the little butler’s pantry.”

“Huh?” She sounded slightly confused and a little disappointed.

“The john, my insatiable sweet, I have to pay a visit to the john. I promise I won’t be long.”

“Oh, be as long as you like. Just don’t take too much time.” C.C. propped her head and turned to one side as she watched him make his way to the bathroom. When he was no longer in view, she ran her hand across his impression in the pillow and beamed a smile that somehow managed to be both blissful and predatory.

Niles was nearly ready to leave the bathroom and rejoin C.C. He was drying his hands when he experienced a spasm of pain in his back, looked in the mirror, and winced. He assumed it was from overdoing it on the rollerblades during the week. ‘Well, it’s really silly of me,’ he thought. ‘Why do I always plow headlong into any sort of activity after a lengthy layoff?’ The double meaning was not lost and he chuckled quietly.

C.C. was more than ready for him to return and called from the bed, “Honestly, if I had known you were going to take this long I would have made other plans. There was a fashion show I wanted to see today. I could have checked out Adolfo’s new line.”

He answered from the bath, “Good idea, the Mein Kampf look works so well on you. And I can personally attest to your skill in mounting a blitzkrieg on the British.”

“Well, if not shopping, I could have gone to the Hamptons. Hey, I know! I wish I’d gone to England with Maxwell.” She knew that would draw a lethal zinger in response.

He stuck his head out the door and gave her a sly look. “Oh, sure. You could have visited your old neighborhood, Stonehenge.” He returned to the bath and disappeared from her view.

“Hah!,” she roared back, “you mean the place where the rocks are older than yours?”

She waited for his volley in return. When he didn’t respond, she set him up big time. “Don’t make me get ugly!”

Still the butler said nothing. She looked up just in time to see him stumble out of the bathroom and struggle to reach her. His eyes rolled up into his head, and he fell across the foot of the mattress. She quickly moved to him, terrified and uncertain if he was living or dead. “Oh God, Niles. Please don’t leave me!”

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Clearly, it wasn’t meant to be. Their time together had been great, but it was just one of those things. The Fates, lurking in the form of his cardiac incident, had stepped in and returned the universe to its proper balance: Niles and C.C. at odds for eternity. Yet how strange to think if the heart attack hadn’t occurred, things might have been different. They might have made a go of it.

He turned away first. For whatever reason, the flirtation with death made Niles rethink their tryst. It didn’t take long for C.C. to decide two could play the rethinking game. She determined to never, ever mention or acknowledge their brief, but intense affair. And with one exception she held true to that decision.

Niles resented her presence in the house. He’d do anything to upset her. If he had previously been determined to orchestrate the relationship between Mr. Sheffield and Miss Fine, that determination now increased tenfold.

It was a continual game of one-upmanship. She’d look for ways to torment him, he’d look for ways to torment her. Both pounced on any opportunity to make the other look bad in their employer’s eyes. She caught him napping and placed a nearly empty snifter of Maxwell’s best brandy and a prized Cuban in his hands, and the situation appeared unfavorable to Mr. Sheffield no matter the explanation. He conceived the notion of a fourth Sheffield child and had great fun with it, although that prank ultimately worked to her advantage when she convinced him she had ‘kidnapped’ the phantom offspring.

Most were harmless stunts, but Niles didn’t always play fair. He was vicious when it came to preying on her long held vulnerability and insecurities. Every chance he got, he reminded her Mr. Sheffield would marry another and she’d be left old, alone and unwanted. And with that incessant drumbeat, her stability unraveled.

C.C. suddenly began to gain extra pounds. Slowly at first, but soon she put on a great deal of weight, and Niles delighted in each additional ounce. Another humiliation for Babcock, another victory for him. Still, he was somewhat surprised. He thought she’d licked her weight problem years ago. What the hell was going on? Could it be? Nah, impossible. That would mean she qualified as female, and despite his intimate familiarity with the obvious evidence, he wasn’t quite willing to acknowledge her as being of the distaff gender.

But he couldn’t truly deny she was female. Of course she was, and he bloody well knew it. As the weeks passed and his anger subsided, he began to experience the same old yearning. Who was he fooling? He knew she’d always have this pull over him, but he’d never again let her know just how strong the attraction was. He couldn’t risk feeling not up to her league, feeling he was an embarrassment to her. Still, the attraction was there; it was almost like a gravitational force. Why was the pull getting stronger? He laughed to himself as he thought the gravitational pull was strengthening due to her increased size. God, how she’d hate that. Too bad he wouldn’t be able to use it on her.

As Niles had come to realize, their strange connection was just too great to disappear altogether. Despite their most resolute intentions, during the next few months the freeze between C.C. and Niles slowly melted, and they began a return to their odd interdependency. They even went so far as to form an unholy alliance against Fran. And though Niles abandoned the alliance once its purpose was accomplished, C.C. had loved the camaraderie they shared.

And later, when her world fell apart and she went away for a time, Niles realized just how very much he missed her.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

The Sheffield household was bustling in preparation for Fran and Maxwell’s wedding. Since double duty as butler and best man was consuming a tremendous amount of time, Niles rarely had a moment to himself. However, he did find a quiet opportunity to speak with C.C. a few days before the wedding.

“You’ve changed since you returned, Miss Babcock.”

“Like I said, it’s that damn Prozac.”

“I think there’s a little more to it,” was his response.

“Huh?” What exactly does he know? “What do you mean?”

“Something about you seems softer, more human, if you will.”

“Oh well, even a heartless bitch isn’t likely to be unfazed by what I’ve been through.”

“That leads to a point I’ve wished to make ever since you returned. I want to apologize for my behavior over the past few months. And for any part I had in putting you in the uh... the uh...”

“I got the idea when you visited every day. Thanks for that, by the way. It meant a lot, Niles.”

“Well, it was the least I could do, considering.” He stopped abruptly.

“Considering what?”

“I know we’ve hardly talked about it. But considering, uh, all the things we’ve shared in the past.”

“Especially one certain thing on one certain day?”

“Yes, exactly.”

“What happened that day, Niles? I thought maybe we had turned a corner in our relationship.”

“You mean other than my heart attack, what happened?” He tried to answer as honestly as possibly. “Oh, I don’t really know what went wrong. It’s just that I became so angry when you didn’t tell Miss Fine and Mr. Sheffield the truth about us. It hurt me and I wanted to hurt you back, and things spiralled out of control.” He drew a deep breath before continuing. “You see, despite my morphine haze, I heard you speaking with them outside the hospital room.”

“I didn’t lie to them. Every single word I said was true. I just didn’t tell them what we were doing immediately preceding your attack. Did you really want them to know? It certainly wasn’t any of their business.”

“I felt you were ashamed. You had no intention of pursuing what took place between us.” There was an edge to his voice and his apology was rapidly moving into territory he hadn’t planned to explore.

“Oh, yeah! How about you? Just a few hours after we made love you set me up to catch Maxwell and Nanny Fine in the throes of passion. What a dirty trick!”

“If you cared for me it shouldn’t have mattered. Clearly, you were still pining after the man!”

“I was not. Put yourself in my shoes, Niles.”

“I can’t -- they’re too big.”

“See what I mean. You’re even doing it now! Can’t you understand at all?” She was angry, but there was also an aching sorrow in her voice.

“Maybe not.” Her tone shook him to the core. “Spell it out for me.”

“I went to the hospital looking for reassurance that you were going to be okay and what happened between us was a good thing -- well, except for the part about you having a heart attack. And what did I get from you in return? A virtual slap-in-the-face of a prank that shouted ‘I don’t give a rat’s sweet patootie about you, sister!’ You obviously cared more about hurting me than you did about any relationship we might have.”

“Are you serious? Is that the truth?” He was stunned. “Is that why you came, and is that really what you thought?”

“Yes, it’s the truth. I also thought you probably got me into your bed for the sole purpose of humiliating me. My God, Niles, I even began to suspect you had the heart attack to demean me. You know, an ‘any-time she-mates, her-partner-dies’ sort of thing. Remember, I know just how far you’ll take a practical joke. I’ve got the psychological scars and twenty years of therapy bills to prove it.”

“So I was mistaken and you really weren’t ashamed?”

“Think about it, Niles. It isn’t very likely someone tripping on morphine would jump to the most logical of conclusions.”

“No, I suppose that’s true.” Funny, it had never occurred to him to doubt his drug-altered perception. “But by the same token, someone on morphine shouldn’t be held accountable for all his actions.”

Strange, such a thought had never crossed her mind.

They were softening toward one another. Stubbornness gave way to a cautious consideration that was uniquely their own.

“Look, I’m sorry if you mistook my behavior.” She offered in explanation, “How do you think I felt? Not only had I given in to something I fought for years and years, I had just broken what turned out to be my favorite plaything.”

“Let me assure you, that ‘favorite plaything’ remains firmly intact.”

She placed her hand on his chest. “I meant you... your heart, not any other working parts. Although...”

“Niles!” Maxwell cried out from his office. “There’s a problem with the caterer. Get in here now!”

“Oh, what timing the man has!” Niles stated before responding to his employer’s beckoning call. “The nervous bridegroom awaits.”

Niles and C.C. both silently blasted Maxwell Sheffield and his ill-timed interruption.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Despite their mutual confessions, C.C. and Niles had very little additional contact before the wedding. They were each still wary of the other, and uncertain of precisely how to interpret their disclosures concerning the day of his heart attack.

Then came the wedding. Why did she throw herself at Mr. Sheffield? Niles had to literally pry her away. To think, just a few days before C.C. had given him reason to believe she was moving away from that obsession. Really, the woman made no sense whatsoever. And still he was drawn to her. Niles would do his best to somehow take her mind off the very married Maxwell Sheffield.

“Miss Babcock!” His voice was singsong as he approached, drink in hand.

“Oh, thank you, Niles, but you know I’m not supposed to... do that.” She swallowed with great ferocity.

When he saw how eagerly she downed the drink, he thought alcohol might not have been the best idea. He gestured at her empty glass. “How many times have you not done that tonight?”

She contemplated the answer, “About eight.” C.C.’s tone abruptly became hopeless. “Oh, Niles, now that Maxwell’s taken, my life is over!”

Would the woman never learn? “Oh, Miss Babcock, you always underestimate yourself. You have a lot to offer a man. You’re witty, you’re sophisticated, you’re beautiful, you’re sexy.”

She nodded at his glass. “How many times have you done that tonight?”

Niles pondered the question. “About twelve.” He downed the drink and set the glass aside, then stood and motioned for her to join him. “Dance with me.” It was simultaneously a command and a request.

“Okay, Butler Boy!” She responded more eagerly than she’d intended, and soon they were whirling their way across the dance floor.

They had been at it for quite some time when C.C. asked, “Do you want to take a break? I must be wearing you out.”

He was enjoying the evening far too much to relinquish her. “Nonsense, you’re as light as a feather.”

“Hah! Hardly. You really have had too much to drink.”

“You’ve lost weight recently. You can’t deny that.”

“Uh, no. I can’t deny it.” An awkward expression crossed her face and she quickly looked down to avoid his gaze.

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re blushing. What is it?” He turned her chin up so that she had to look directly in his eyes. “Tell me what’s got you so suddenly timid.”

“It’s nothing. I’ve just been sensitive about my appearance lately. I mean, look at me. I’m still the size of the Hindenburg.”

“I’m sure you’ll soon be back to your fighting weight.” He leaned in close and whispered. “Don’t let me down, I need a sparring partner, you know.”

She smiled and there was a comfortable silence between them as they glided across the floor. The music segued from one tune to another before Niles spoke again. “I do have a confession, Miss Babcock. Something you might find amusing, that is if it doesn’t anger you.”

“Oh, really. What’s that?”

“Perhaps I shouldn’t say.”

“C’mon, Niles, you can’t back down now.”

“Well, okay, but in case you become upset, remember I was reluctant to continue.”

“Apparently so.” She tilted her head to one side. “Are you ever going to actually tell me?”

“Oh, all right. When you first began to gain weight, it did cross my mind you might possibly be pregnant. Well, you can imagine what I thought, considering what happened between us.” He shook his head at the absurdity of it all, “Silly of me, really. You’re not angry, are you?”

She didn’t respond.

“Miss Babcock?”

Again, no response.

He noticed tears welling in her eyes and suddenly realized the truth. “Babcock, am I insane or did all the missing pieces just fall into place? Is there something you wish to tell me?”

At last he knew. “No, Niles...”

“There’s nothing you wish to tell me?”

“No... you’re not insane.”

“Oh my God. It’s true?” His breath was rushed.

“Yes, it’s true.” Her voice was very quiet and amazingly calm.

“And it is my baby, right?”

“Of course. Your son. Niles, we have a son.”

“I’m sorry, but I need to sit down.” He felt as though the floor had been pulled out from under him.

“C’mon, let’s go over there.” She patted his shoulder and nodded in the direction of her table.

In his shellshocked state, Niles practically fell into the chair. “But how could this be? I visited you at...at... you know.”

“The Place?”

“Yes.”

“A bit of a ruse. I told Dr. Bort I wouldn’t survive having this baby if anyone knew, and she agreed to take part in the deception.”

“It seems somewhat unethical on her part.”

“It might appear so, but I’m certain she did what was best for me.”

“You must have known how horrible I felt about the role I played in putting you there. You let me visit and you didn’t tell me? Do you have any idea of just how guilty I felt?”

“To be perfectly honest, Niles, I thought you deserved to experience a little guilt. The added bonus was that as a miserably remorseful old man, you were actually almost attractive.”

“So you didn’t have a breakdown?”

“Well, not exactly. I certainly went through a rough patch, and I allowed myself to believe it had something to do with this wedding. I told myself I was upset about the change in Maxwell and Nanny Fine’s relationship. Anything to keep from acknowledging what was really bothering me.”

“And that was?”

“How things were so right between us for a brief instant and went so terribly wrong.”

He was dumbfounded and could only respond with a quip. “Could you avoid using words like brief and instant when referring to our time together? As I recall, it was anything but.”

She smiled and nodded. “So you have some fond recollections of that day?”

“Other than my heart attack, of course I do. It was worth nearly dying. A thousand times I wanted to tell you so.”

“Why didn’t you say something?”

“I could ask the same of you. I could even ask why you’ve spent the last few months shamelessly throwing yourself at Mr. Sheffield.”

“I don’t know. Chalk it up to old habits, I guess. And as you’ve probably gathered, it really was a psycho pregnancy. If not Maxwell, who was I going to throw myself at? It’s not like I’m around that many straight men, given my profession, and you made it abundantly clear you weren’t interested. You even turned me down when I tried to seduce you in Atlantic City.”

“I thought you were acting stranger than usual that night. Good God, I can’t believe I didn’t put two and two together. How could I actually have had the thought you might be pregnant and then completely dismiss the notion? It’s so obvious in hindsight.”

“If it’s any consolation, you weren’t the only one to overlook it.”

“None of this explains your behavior at the wedding. You tried to walk down the aisle with Mr. Sheffield. And earlier, here at the reception, you told me your life was over now that he’s married. Do you still have feelings for him?”

“Not in the sense you mean. Look, the thing at the wedding, call it postpartum lunacy. Dr. Bort would probably say I was afraid you would eventually figure it all out, and since I wasn’t ready to deal with that, I pretended to still pursue Maxwell. I know it doesn’t make much sense, but it’s basically the truth. Remember, I’m the one who talked Nanny Fine into staying when she was ready to walk out the door. Do you think I would have done that if I really wanted him?”

He searched her eyes. “No, I suppose not. I believe you. I just wish...”

“What?”

“I wish I had known. I wish I could have been there for you.”

“I wish you’d been there too, Niles. And I know it’s my fault you weren’t, but I just wasn’t in any state to tell you. Things weren’t making much sense then. Believe it or not, it was quite some time before it occurred to me I might be pregnant, and still I tried to convince myself it wasn’t so. Since I had been overeating, I thought there was a possibility it was simply a matter of weight gain. But eventually I had to accept what was happening. I just didn’t have to let anyone other than my doctors know.”

“Not even your family?”

“How close do you think I am to my family? Remember, my mother left shortly after I was born -- a thing like that really isn’t conducive to a childhood filled with ‘Kodak’ moments.”

“But your father... your brother and sister?”

“I suppose we’re a bit closer, but the reality is they live their own lives, and I don’t expect them to take much interest in mine.”

“So you’ve told no one?”

“Aside from all the necessary personnel, you’re the first to know.”

“Well, I thank you for that!” He all of a sudden sounded angry.

“I know you’re upset and you’ve every right to be, but try to think of it this way -- I spared you nine months of anxious, impending fatherhood. And I spared myself nine months of your ridiculously proper fussiness.”

His anger passed as quickly as it came. “I don’t know. Had you told me, I might have managed to be improper a time or two.” It was a blatant admission he still wanted her. Niles gently took her hand in his. When he did, he noticed the nearly empty glass before her and gestured toward it with his other hand. “And what are you doing drinking? Oh, lord, I even brought you one myself. Here let me have that. You’ll be breast-feeding that child White Russians!” He moved the glass out of her reach and voiced an afterthought. “You are breast-feeding our baby, aren’t you? You know that’s best.”

“Two drinks, Niles, I’ve had two drinks! Not quite two, actually,” she nodded in the direction of her pilfered glass. “You didn’t let me finish that one.” C.C. was totally exasperated by the time she responded to his afterthought. “And, yes, up until recently, I’ve breast-fed!”

“You shouldn’t have had any alcohol! And I thought you told me you had eight?” Niles aimed a squinty stare at her and asked, “Exactly what do you mean by ‘up until recently’?”

She ignored his last question. “Well, I was kidding about the drinks. I just said that so you wouldn’t bring me any more. Geez, see what I mean about your fussiness! I swear you are more fussy than your six-week old son. You’ve known for all of five minutes and you’re already hovering over me like a mother hen!”

“I’ll take that as a top-notch opinion -- hennish behavior is one of your areas of expertise.”

“Very funny.” She sounded in a huff, but he could tell she got a little kick out of the remark. “Look, it wasn’t easy to come to this wedding, given the circumstances. How thrilling do you think it is for me as a single mother to celebrate the union of two souls, neither of which is my own? But I came and decided I would make every effort to enjoy myself; maybe even have a little drink or two. Don’t make me out to be some sort of a lush. Until tonight, I haven’t so much as touched alcohol since I found out I was pregnant.”

“You don’t know how relieved I am to hear that. But why aren’t you still nursing?”

Oh, good lord, she was aware his persnickety scrupulousness knew no bounds, but this line of inquiry was simply too much. “I nursed for as long as I could, but you can’t possibly imagine how difficult that was, considering the child’s been a secret. I couldn’t just announce ‘I have to run off and feed the baby now,’ could I? Even Maxwell would pick up on that one.”

“Yes, I suppose his rapier-like mind would catch that.”

“Don’t worry about the baby. No harm’s being done. The doctor assured me it was perfectly fine to start him on formula. Believe me, he got his share of breast milk. For crying out loud, Niles, I nursed every three hours when I was home, and I also expressed enough milk to feed the Third World!” She immediately wanted to retract that last statement.

His eyes zeroed in on her breasts. “You could, too.”

When she noticed the devious sparkle in his eyes and that he was poised to speak again, C.C. went on a preemptive strike. “Niles, don’t you dare make one of your cow comments now! That would not be a good idea!”

Niles knew he should save the cow remark for another time and decided to ask for more details of their son’s birth. He wanted to know everything. “When you were at the Place, I recall a day when no visitors were allowed. I assume that’s when you had him?”

“Sherlock Holmes has nothing on you.” She caught his hurt expression and immediately regretted her words. “Oh, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be flippant. I know all this comes as a terrible shock.”

He responded by gripping her hand tighter. “A shock, yes. Terrible, no.” There was a slight pause before he spoke again. “Dare I ask? Where’s our son now?” Utterly undone by the revelation, he was irrationally fearful she had put their child up for adoption, or sent him to a remote, cloistered monastery -- perhaps high in the mountains of some obscure European principality -- where Babcocks and their ilk pay a great deal of money to hide away less than convenient offspring.

“Where on earth do you think? At my penthouse.”

“Here in town?”

“Well, Niles, ‘here in town’ is where my penthouse has always been. Why are you asking such strange questions?”

“I was afraid you might have sent him away. That’s why I didn’t ask straightaway to see him. I was fearful you would tell me it was impossible.”

“But I just told you I breast-fed him and that he’s now on formula. Good grief, you’re the one who asked about it in the first place! Why would you even think I sent him away? And who did you think I expressed all that milk for?”

“I know. I’m aware of how illogical my thinking is.” As an afterthought, he added, “Of course, there’s always Chester.” He then shook his head as if to shake off his last remark. “Oh, I’m sorry -- old dog, new tricks.” Another illogical thought crossed his mind and Niles looked at her suspiciously. “Wait a minute. You didn’t leave our baby alone tonight, did you?”

“No, of course not. And I didn’t leave him in the trunk of my BMW either,” she stated sarcastically. “Despite my doubts about certain members of the occupation, I’ve hired a full-time nanny.”

“Oh, no, you don’t!” He stood and pulled her up. “C’mon!”

“What?”

“We’re going to your place this instant. No child of mine will be reared by a nanny!”

“Niles, you hypocrite. You certainly thought a nanny was best for Maxwell’s children.”

“And a nanny’s been wonderful for the Sheffield children, but you must remember, I’ve been there every day, too. I’ve always been able to monitor and observe, and I certainly intend to do no less for our son.”

“So, what are you suggesting?”

“We’ll bring him to work every day.”

“We?”

“Yes, ‘we.’ I’m moving in with the two of you.”

“But, Niles...”

“Well, it’s either that or you two move into my room, but somehow I can’t imagine you would ever consent to that.”

“I’m not sure... ”

“Look, we’re to live together. It can be in any fashion you determine. I’ll be the babysitter, the good and faithful servant -- whatever you say -- but, I absolutely insist we share the responsibility of raising this child. And I won’t listen to any arguments to the contrary.”

She thought a moment and came to what was for her, or anyone who knew her, a startling epiphany. “You don’t have to. He deserves two parents.” C.C. paused to gather her thoughts. “I want him to have the kind of family life I missed, and I know you’ll be a good father. I agree we need to do this together.”

“Really?” He was somewhat shocked and far less forceful than he had been just seconds before.

“Yes, really. And what happened to all that ‘won’t listen to any argument’ bravado? You sound positively meek.”

“It’s just that I’m so...” The words wouldn’t come.

“What?”

“Grateful. More grateful than you can ever imagine.” He took her hands and kissed them; the act was as much an offering of thanksgiving as it was an expression of love. “Now, can we go see him?”

C.C. smiled and nodded. “Do you want to call for the limo or hail a cab?”

He returned the smile. “A cab might be quicker.” Niles held her hand to lead her out of the museum. She was surprised when he abruptly stopped. “Oh, wait. I need to tell the Sheffields I won’t be staying at the house while they’re away.”

“You’re not going to tell them about the baby, are you?”

“Not if you would rather I didn’t. You sure you’re not ashamed I’m the father?”

“No. No, of course not. I’m not ashamed. I just think that’s a lot of information for Maxwell to absorb. His brain would probably require so much blood flow, I doubt Nanny Fine would appreciate the deficiencies that might occur elsewhere.” She thought a moment, “On second thought, maybe you should tell him. Oh, no, wait.” She shook her head and waved one arm. “I don’t care what they do on their honeymoon.”

“Good for you.” He was delighted Maxwell Sheffield was no longer a priority. “Wait here, I’ll be right back!” He gave her a kiss on the cheek and raced off to speak with the Sheffields.

“Sir, I wanted to let you know, I’m taking a few days off while you’re on your honeymoon. Since Mrs. Sheffield’s parents are planning on staying with the children, I didn’t think that would be a problem.”

Maxwell was dancing with his bride and only had eyes for her. He hadn’t heard a word and absently responded, “Whatever you wish to do will be fine, Niles.”

Niles turned to depart. He was almost out the door, but decided to return and mention one more thing. He ran back to the newlyweds, slid to a stop, and excitedly blurted, “Oh, and by the way, Miss Babcock and I have had a baby!” He departed just as quickly, on a cloud at the prospect of seeing his son for the first time.

The newlyweds were still in their private, blissful reverie; nevertheless, Niles words eventually penetrated Maxwell’s otherwise engaged mind. “Fran, did you hear what he just said?!”

No response was forthcoming. His radiant bride had just passed out cold.

* * * * * * * * * * * * *

Niles returned to C.C.

She knew the instant she saw him. “You told them, didn’t you?”

“It sort of slipped out.”

They exited the Metropolitan, bickering all the way. “I knew it. I have somehow managed to pair up with Hedda ‘Hoover.’ You tell everything you know!”

“It balances fine then, because you don’t tell a thing you know. I had to guess at all this!”

Once outside, the caressing air of the warm spring evening served as a calming influence on C.C. “I planned on telling you. I was simply waiting for the right time,” she explained as they walked down the steps.

Niles was calmer too, but still a little miffed. “And when would that be? What were you going to do? Send me an announcement about his college graduation that informed me I owed for half his education? Or at the time of his wedding, would I receive an invitation that casually acknowledged me as the father? RSVP, oh and by the way, Niles, I’m very pleased to inform you that you’re the father of the groom.” She had no response, but once that was out of his system, Niles took her hand and they made their way to Fifth Avenue. At the curb Niles raised his free arm to hail a cab.

Their wait was minimal. The first cabbie in sight noticed her couture gown and his white tie and tails, and the hack crossed three lanes to grab the fare. C.C.’s gown did look a touch “bridal,” so the driver felt he might be picking up an eccentric society couple that had just married at the museum, and he salivated at the prospect of a huge tip. Niles gave the cabbie the address and held the door while C.C. climbed in. He settled beside her, put a hand on her knee and spoke. “Your news really has me addled. I just realized I haven’t yet asked what his name is.”

“You know how bad I am with names.”

“Oh, C.C., don’t tell me you can’t remember!”

“I can remember, I just haven’t named him yet.”

“What?!”

“I don’t know. It didn’t seem proper to name him by myself. I thought you should really have a hand in it, you know, considering you had somewhat more than a hand in his creation.”

“Somewhat more indeed.” There was a seductive quality to his voice.

“I even thought about naming him after you, but since I’m really not certain what your name is, I dropped that idea.”

“We’ll come up with something.” He spoke with all the assurance in the world.

“Can’t trick you into telling me your name, huh?”

“It’ll take more of a trick than that.” His tone was again seductive.

“Fair enough. I have no intention of telling you mine, either.”

“I thought as much. Have you given consideration to other names?”

“Niles, I really did know the secret would eventually come out, so I toyed with the idea of ‘Andrew Lloyd-Babcock’ just to mess with Maxwell’s mind -- but I decided that wasn’t the best idea. I mean, people might actually think that chubby-faced musician is the father, and I couldn’t have that.” She further explained with a joke. “Besides, his productions usually gross a minimum of $750,000 a week, and it wouldn’t be fair to saddle the kid with those expectations.”

Was she saying she preferred the butler to a billionaire producer/composer? A domestic to an honored Knight and Lord? After all was said and done, at the end of the day she’d rather Niles over any other man be the baby’s papa? Of course she was.

Niles smiled at the realization. “Tell me, what does he look like?”

“You want to see a picture?”

“You have one? Yes, of course I do.”

She slipped a photo out of her clutch and handed it to him. “You’re such a big snoop, I’m surprised you didn’t run across this already.”

Niles shrugged in explanation. “Well, what with the wedding and all, I haven’t had time.” He studied the image. “My God!”

“What?”

“He looks just like me.”

“I know. Isn’t it disgusting?” She held his arm and peered at the photograph.

“Does he look this much like me in person?”

“More, if you can imagine. I swear, Niles, he even sounds like you. I believe I can hear a little trace of an English accent when he cries.”

“Oh, it can’t be!” He was beaming at the thought.

“And you should have seen him when I was breast-feeding, he latched on just like his daddy did.”

“A zealous little fellow, huh? Well, that’s my boy!” He turned his eyes from the photo and spoke directly to her. “By the way, it’s a sight I plan to see. We’ll soon have you breast-feeding again.” He gently teased, “Once the mother’s milk you imbibed tonight is out of your system, we’ll start him back on his mother’s milk.” She rolled her eyes. “It’s what’s best!” Niles stated defensively. “You want him to be as healthy as possible, don’t you?”

C.C. momentarily threw her hands in the air, then folded her arms and turned to face the window. She grinned as she peered into the dark Manhattan night. Sharing a life with this persistent man might be quite interesting at that.

Niles looked in her direction. The back of C.C.’s neck was really rather lovely, and beyond it, reflected in the cab window, was her face. He noticed the grin, and for the first time, the placid, serene glow that had overtaken her features.

The mention of “popcorn and pink lemonade” as it relates to circuses is a bit of
dialogue from the 1937 comedy The Awful Truth. In the film the characters portrayed
by Irene Dunne and Cary Grant spend a great deal of time fighting and embarrassing
each other -- or to put it another way, they sort of behave a whole lot like Niles and C.C.

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