This piece of fan fic takes place before Fran and Maxwell were engaged, before they used first names, and before Niles and C.C.'s encounter in Pen Pals. It is intentionally written in the earlier style of the show. Blah, blah, blah ... don't sue me; if you saw my bank account, you'd die laughing.




Par For The Curse

by

Abby




INT. OFFICE - MORNING
MAXWELL MAKES A FEW GOLF PUTTS, MISSING THE
CUP WIDELY EACH TIME. HE LINES UP A SHOT AS
FRAN ENTERS BRISKLY.

FRAN
Hi, Mr. Sheffield!

MAXWELL FUMBLES THE SHOT AND DROPS HIS CLUB.

MAXWELL
Miss Fine! Must you always come barging in here like that? Can't you see I was right in the middle of putting on the green?
FRAN
Puttin' on the green what? (LOOKS AROUND) I hope it's not that sweater Gracie got you for your birthday 'cause, trust me, it makes you look like Kermit the Frog. But hey, it ain't easy wearin' green.

HE PICKS UP THE CLUB.

FRAN
Ohhhhhhh. Putt-ing. As in golf. Well, then the sweater's perfect.
MAXWELL
Miss Fine, did you want anything in particular, or was it your mission to sabotage my practice session?
FRAN
What's up with golf all of a sudden?
MAXWELL
C.C. and I are teaming up with a potential financier for a tournament and if we don't win, he doesn't invest. Not only that, but he expects us to play as well as he does, and he has the lowest scores at the club.
FRAN
Let me get this straight: he has the lowest scores and you have to practice to keep up with him? You really are a little yutz, aren't ya?
MAXWELL
Low scoring is the goal of the game.
FRAN
One more thing I don't understand about this so-called sport. I'll tell ya something -- you'd never catch me playing a dumb game like that.

GRACE RUNS IN AND TAPS FRAN ON THE ARM.

GRACE
Tag, you're it!

SHE DASHES OUT OF THE ROOM.

FRAN
Uh... excuse me.

FRAN DASHES OUT AFTER HER.




INT. OFFICE - A BIT LATER
MAXWELL CONTINUES TO PRACTICE. C.C. ENTERS,
WEARING A LOUD, YET CHIC, GOLFING OUTFIT.

C.C.
(PREENING) Well, Maxwell, what do you think?
MAXWELL
Oh, C.C., that's a very handsome ensemble, if a bit bright. But perhaps you might manage to distract Mr. Wahn long enough for us to win a few holes, eh?
C.C.
Very funny.

NILES ENTERS.

NILES
Ohhhh, the circus is in town.
C.C.
This happens to be... Guess.
NILES
All right. Ringling Brothers? (TO MAX) Any luck improving your game, sir?

MAXWELL LINES UP ANOTHER SHOT.

MAXWELL
Watch this.

HE MAKES THE SHOT. THE BALL ROLLS OUT THE DOOR.

NILES
Very good, sir! (PULLS OUT A TAPE MEASURE) You only missed by... six feet this time.
MAXWELL
Niles, you're fired.
C.C.
Maxwell, you better keep practicing. I cannot keep carrying us at these tournaments. Even if I was captain of my golf team at Bryn Mawr.
NILES
You were the leader of a team of low- scoring women? Go on.
C.C.
(EXITING, OVER HER SHOULDER) Score this, Brillo Man.
NILES
Miss Babcock! Look out for my...

OFFSTAGE - DISTRESSED SHOUT AND LOUD THUMP.

...roller blade.
C.C.
Niiilles!!



INT. LIVING ROOM - AFTERNOON
C.C. SITS ON THE SOFA, HER FOOT PROPPED UP
ON THE TABLE.
MAXWELL ENTERS.

MAXWELL
So, how's that ankle coming along?
C.C.
I think it's sprained.
MAXWELL
Well, thank heaven it's not that serious.
C.C.
Oh, but it is.
MAXWELL
What do you mean?
C.C.
Our golf date with Mr. Wahn? I can't play like this.
MAXWELL
Oh, good God. Are you positive? Are you certain? Are you sure?
C.C.
Maxwell... after our last flop -- I mean show -- 'Exorcist, the Musical,' do you think I would risk losing this investment? Am I positive? Am I certain? Am I sure? Ohhhhhhh, yes I am!

NILES ENTERS WITH A BAG OF ICE.

NILES
(TO C.C.) Here's some ice. Oh. How redundant.

HE DROPS THE BAG ON HER FOOT.

C.C.
Ow!
NILES
Oh, I'm sorry. That must've hurt. Pillow?

HE PLACES A PILLOW ON THE TABLE, PICKS UP HER
FOOT, AND DROPS IT SO IT JUST MISSES.




INT. OFFICE - LATER
MAXWELL PACES THE FLOOR NERVOUSLY.

MAXWELL
(MUTTERING) Now, come on and think, man!

NILES ENTERS.

How hard could it be to find someone that plays tournament-level golf and has Labor Day weekend free?

NILES SPINS AROUND AND HEADS FOR THE DOOR.

Niles!

NILES FREEZES.

NILES
Sorry, sir. I have plans.
MAXWELL
What's her name?
NILES
Easy Money. (OFF HIS STARE) It's a horse, sir. Butler Day at Yonkers.

NILES EXITS.

MAXWELL
(SKYWARD) Oh, please. I need someone to fill in. Anyone. I'll take anyone at all.

FRAN ENTERS.

(SKYWARD) Not amuuuused.
FRAN
What?
MAXWELL
Oh, nothing. (TRACING CIRCLES ON DESK) Oh, Miss Fine...
FRAN
(SUSPICIOUS) Yeaahhh?
MAXWELL
Do you happen to play golf?
FRAN
Oh, yeah... there's lots of golf courses in Queens.
MAXWELL
Damn! I just can't show up to the Millionaires' Tournament without a partner.
FRAN
But my favorite course is between Cheap Sam's and the House o' Nails.
MAXWELL
Miss Fine, do you really play?
FRAN
Uh, yeah. I was even on a team. The Hillcrest... Putts.



INT. KITCHEN - A BIT LATER
FRAN AND NILES SHARE A CUP OF TEA.

NILES
So, Miss Fine. I didn't know you played golf.
FRAN
Oh, Niles. You gotta help me.
NILES
Me? How?
FRAN
Oh, c'mon. You're not gonna tell me you don't know how to play.
NILES
Well... I suppose I've been around the green a few times.
FRAN
Uh-huh.
NILES
Oh, all right. Won the Butler's Open twice. And then there were the two gold medals from the Garden of Eton Invitational, and the...
FRAN
OK, OK. I get the picture. You were like a British Jack Nicholson.
NILES
Nicklaus. Jack Nicklaus.
FRAN
That's what I said. Like Jack Nicklaus' son. Oy vay, what meshuganah language am I talkin' over here? Meanwhile... are you gonna help me?
NILES
Do you own a set of clubs?
FRAN
Oh, yeah, I keep them under my bed. Right next to my polo mallet. (BEAT) Wait! My uncle had a set. He used to live on Long Island... Great Neck.
NILES
Used to? Did he move?
FRAN
No, he died. No one moves from Great Neck, Niles. So, now my parents keep the clubs in their bedroom... in case burglars break in. You know, so my father can threaten to knock the Uzis outta their hands.



INT. SYLVIA'S HOUSE - LATER
SYLVIA, DRESSED IN A GOLD LAMÉ ROBE AND SLIPPERS,
NONCHALANTLY FEATHER DUSTS WHILE TALKING ON THE
PORTABLE PHONE.

SYLVIA
Eh-heh ... Eh-heh ... Eh-heh. Morty, if they don't have the raisinettes I like, get something you like -- I'm easy ... No, darling. Those I could live without ... Just improvise ... Whatever you decide is fine with me. ... No. Not those.

SYLVIA HANGS UP. FRAN ENTERS.

Oy, your father is driving me crazy.
FRAN
Outta raisinettes again?
SYLVIA
Yeah.
FRAN
Ma, do you guys still have Uncle Larry's golf clubs?
SYLVIA
Yeah, they're under our bed. Next to the polo mallet.
FRAN
Can I borrow them for the weekend?
SYLVIA
Why? Did that fancy-schmancy alarm system break down again?
FRAN
No. I'm playing golf on Saturday with Mr. Sheffield.
SYLVIA
(BEAT) Fran. Listen carefully... you don't play golf.
FRAN
I know, Ma. Niles is gonna teach me.
SYLVIA
In two days? (JOKING) Well, I hope you're not in some tournament or something. (BEAT, OFF FRAN'S STARE) Oh, darling, what have you done?
FRAN
Maaa.

FRAN EXITS TO THE BEDROOM, THEN REENTERS,
DRAGGING A BEAT-UP SET OF CLUBS, EACH OF WHICH
IS COVERED WITH A DIFFERENT SWEAT SOCK

.
FRAN
(RE: SOCKS, HOLDING HER NOSE) Oy, now I know why they play this game outside.
SYLVIA
Y'know... if you stand over here, it looks like a bag fulla little upside-down bodies.
FRAN
Ma, were you watching The Godfather again?

FRAN EXITS.
SFX: TELEPHONE RINGS.
SYLVIA ANSWERS.

SYLVIA
Hello? ... Morty, where are you? ... I told you I don't care ... Whaddaya mean, you're scared of me?! You're such a schmuck. Now, get home before I smack you!



INT. LIVING ROOM - EVENING
C.C. IS STILL INCAPACITATED ON THE SOFA, HER
ANKLE NOW WRAPPED IN A BANDAGE.
MAGGIE ENTERS, CARRYING A BOTTLE OF PERRIER.

MAGGIE
Here you go, C.C. (HANDS HER BOTTLE) Niles says that's the last one.
C.C.
Thank you... Mmm... Mmm... Miss.

MAGGIE EXITS. BRIGHTON ENTERS, CARRYING THE
PORTABLE PHONE.

BRIGHTON
(HANDS HER PHONE) Here you go, C.C. Niles says line three is open.
C.C.
Thank you, Buh... Buh...
BRIGHTON
Boy.

BRIGHTON EXITS. C.C. DIALS.

C.C.
(INTO PHONE, SULKING) Hello, mummy? ... Guess-what-I'm-hurt-and-I-need- someone-to-feel-sorry-for-me ... It's C.C. ... Babcock ... the blonde ... with the dog ... Right ... Well, it's just a sprain, but it hurts alot ... I'm at Maxwell's. He's been such a doll, fawning all over me, taking care of me ... No, I am not on drugs! -- any more ... The best part is... I get to order Niles around; boy am I gonna milk this ... No, he's such a dolt, he'll never catch on.

NILES ENTERS.

Gotta go, Mummy -- kiss, kiss.
NILES
All nice and comfy?
C.C.
Well, actually I need you to help me over to the restroom.
NILES
Oh, really?
C.C.
C'mon, Niles. No joking. I've had four Perriers in the last hour.
NILES
Gee, that's too bad.
C.C.
What?
NILES
It's too bad that I just can't seem to remember where the restroom is... being such a dolt and all.

HE PRODUCES ANOTHER PHONE FROM HIS POCKET.

(INTO PHONE) Gotta go, Madam -- kiss, kiss.

NILES EXITS. FRAN ENTERS.

C.C.
Nanny Fine! Quick! Help me get to the restroom!
FRAN
OK, OK, keep your pants on. At least for now.

SHE HELPS C.C. TO THE RESTROOM.

(THROUGH DOOR) Uh, be careful in there, Miss Babcock. Niles just finished mopping...

OFFSTAGE - DISTRESSED SHOUT AND LOUD THUMP.

...the floor.
C.C.
Niiiiiles!


Go on to Part Two


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