Back to Fan FictionMost of my stories were started in 1999 but 2001 was the year that I could have them more fully developed.
I'll continue to follow the show's sequence but adding a few original plots in the next ones. Remember, some of the jokes were written recently, but always having the year 1999 in mind.
Many-many thanks to Sabine Frentzen, for her fab Beta Reading contribution. ;o)
For those that are not familiar yet, this is another sequel of my previous stories and beware, it still won't end up here. So if you're not in the mood to re-read past material until the next parts are published, leave it to read them in the future because this won't end until Niles and C.C.'s baby is born. What I can promise you is that I have at least seven more on the go, it's just a matter of adding a few more ideas here and there. So, please, be patient and read my stuff as if it was a book. (Pff! Yeah, right.) Anyway, enjoy it.
by
Malu Reis
(goodandplenty@bigfoot.com)
Niles woke up slowly. The remembrance of the night before filled his brain with joy and contentment and the feeling of someone snuggled within his arms proved that he hadn't been dreaming. -'Can she be more beautiful?' He finally opened his eyes staring at that perfect form. It was still very hard to believe that it had happened; Lady Luck had finally smiled at him. A fiery treasure had been dangled under his nose for twenty years and he never really claimed it and enjoyed it. He had other women but he'd never been with one with such a sexual magnetism. Nothing could be easier than love her physically and spiritually...and nothing more demanding.
C.C. moved slowly within his arms and he closed his eyes again. Her hands traveled freely over his chest as she placed a light kiss there. She knew Niles was the man of her dreams and she couldn't be happier for he finally had decided to become the man of her life.
If there were any official competitions for stubbornness they would end up the finals in a tie, both stepping on the highest place of the podium. They would win a gold medal in the persistence category but the golden trophy would go to the size of their brick heads. It cost them almost twenty-one years to realize that one couldn't live without the other. Nevertheless, now that they had one another, nobody would dare to separate them.
C.C. was laying her chin on him and memorizing every line of his face – 'as if it was necessary,' she thought. She knew each one by heart, literally. -"Why are you pretending to be asleep?" She asked mischievously.
With his eyes still closed he chuckled. -"Good God in Heaven, how did you know?"
-"Since I kissed you good morning, you started breathing faster."
He opened his eyes again and stared at her beautiful smile for a second. -"Checkmate." He said in a hoarse voice.
-"I did…"
-"Did bloody what?"
-"Checked my mate."
-"And?"
-"Mm…" She pouted in feigned tone.
-"How could I forget? According to you I'm a pathetic excuse for a man, aren't I?"
-"Shut that big mouth, will you." She smiled.
He shut...his with hers. -"Now careful when you demand that in public."
-"Why?" She asked dizzily.
-"I may obey and give people a hell of a show."
-"I doubt."
-"Try me."
-"Shut…up." She played defiantly again.
He obeyed with the same move and the same intensity to which she responded lingeringly this time.
She smirked. -"You are a pathetic excuse for a man, but I have to admit…you're way more "excuse" than I can handle."
Niles guffawed loudly. -"Dear, you're something!"
-"I am everything."
-"You bet you are." He shook his head in disbelief. -"Anyway, how was your night, Miss Bouvier?"
-"How was my night?" She let out sensuously.
-"Yes, be my jury."
-"Nope, I rather be the defendant, my judge. I plead…guilty of love." She frowned. -"Jesus, my turn to be corny."
He chuckled. -"I could get used to that." He stroked her arm. -"By the way, I'd like to thank you for the retrial and the appeal."
She cackled evilly. -"Niles, you are a man with the three letters spelled in capitals, you know that?"
-"And I'm not Siskel and I'm not Ebert but baby you get my two thumbs up." He thought for split second. -"In fact, you get more than that-"
-"Niles!…Behave."
He chuckled again. -"Anyway, when I asked about your night I wanted to know if you slept well." He sweetly tucked a few strands of her hair behind her ears.
-"Like an angel."
-"Like an angel?"
-"Ugh, I thought I would get rid of your insults after last night. Tell me, why do you constantly look for ways to have fun at my expense?"
-"Because I don't have a PlayStation, and I have no clue how to crochet."
-"I could let you use my GameBoy from time to time." She roamed her hands over one of his thighs.
He moaned. -"I don't think I'll be needing it. I just remembered I have the best Home Entertainment Center God's ever created."
She sighed hopelessly. She would never leave him hanging without a comeback.
He restrained a gurgle of laughter in a major effort to behave subtler.
She pulled his face playfully.
-"Sorry. I guess you are right. You are an angel and I already admitted that."
-"I'm always right."
-"Don't be so certain."
-"Well, I was wrong once."
-"Mm..and when was that historic occasion?" He turned over straddling her.
-"Once that I thought I was wrong."
He narrowed his eyes and shook his head. -"Very funny, Miss Know-It-All."
-"Scrooge."
-"Shrew." He grabbed both of her hands above her head and bent down kissing her enticingly again.
She responded again with the same heat, smiling when their lips broke. -"Somehow you did it, didn't you?"
-"Did what?"
-"Tamed me." She let out coyly.
-"Nobody will ever do that, C.C.. Not even me." He let her hands free and lay beside her again.
-"What do you call when you bring up the best in one's heart?"
-"Fertilization?"
She smiled puzzled.
He propped up on one elbow. -"A seed can't germinate in bad soil. You left your heart a little 'rainless' all these years and now I know some of the reasons why. I also admit that many times the fault was mine. But most of them the fault was yours. You kept seeing ghosts everywhere."
-"But that doesn't mean I'm bad."
-"Your heart is excellent soil, no doubt about it. But there is a world of good things locked up inside you. Let people have the chance to know them."
-"I love you my 'Petruchio'." She played with his eyebrows.
-"By the way, what a role model, huh?"
-"Not half as strong-minded and witty as you are." She winked at him.
He watched her face not willing to miss any detail. -"Perhaps because Katharina was not half of the sultry witch you are."
She sighed soundly.
He reached out for his wristwatch on the nightstand. -"Ugh, I would love to stay and play with you the whole day - and God knows we deserve it - but I have to be downstairs." He kissed her forehead and jumped out of bed.
C.C. checked his shape and tan. -"Niles, I always wanted that color. How do you get that?"
-"In your case, out of a bottle."
-"Not the hair, Johnny Bravo, your skin. How do you manage to have that tan?"
-"Oh, I thought my pinky thighs wouldn't work for me." He jested in a pout.
-"You know I wasn't serious about that. Besides, why did you have to complain about me running around the house in shorts? You just heard what you deserved to hear at that moment."
-"C.C., you know I'm crazy about those legs of yours but I was so sour about us moving to California that week, that I don't think anything would make me happy. Not even the thought of you..." He smiled to himself. -"Boy, I can't wait to see you running around the house in shorts."
-"Forget it. It won't happen."
-"Why nooot?" He sounded like a spoiled kid.
She chortled. -"Because I said so."
-"Hmm..." He pretended a weep.
-"Anyway, that Dawson's Creek was a stupid joke. I love your legs and you know that."
He smiled to himself. -"I suspected that."
-"What do you mean, you bloated-inflated ego?"
-"Just to name once, even though I was ashamed to death, I could feel the hair of them burning up when - in one of my non-decaf weeks - I got caught dancing in my boxers." He played cynically.
-"Oh Gosh, that is so true. I told you last night, when I came inside the house that day and saw your little number…Woo Hoo! You should see my face."
-"I can picture it."
-"But I'm gonna confess another thing."
-"Confess it! Confess it!" He looked at her playing with his eyebrows.
She grinned. -"Nothing compares to the day you burst in that kitchen in that blue T-shirt and those white shorts."
-"When?" He asked not exactly recalling the day.
-"I wasn't expecting. My eyes nearly popped out of the orbits! Too bad we couldn't go out that night."
-"Oh, you mean that time when Fran did that disastrous "cosmetic surgery" in the kitchen with that crazy cousin of hers?"
She nodded with a grin.
-"I was coming back from my squash, I guess."
-"I don't know where you were coming from, I just know where I wanted to carry you to, trust me." She chuckled to herself.
-"Hmm?" He sounded surprised. -"I thought you were having fun with me."
-"Was that the reason why you canceled our dinner that night?"
-"No, Mr. Sheffield did. He was boiling with that re-decoration thing. He made me get rid of all that exotic stuff, right away."
-"Why the rush?"
-"First because the idea to let Miss Fine redecorate the kitchen, was mine. Second…I think he was probably afraid that the new designer - who was coming the next morning - would think he had gone insane."
-"I remember that the moment I got into that kitchen a long 'Oh my G-Oood' came out of my mouth. It was so funny. I was out for two days and when I came back it was like stepping into a different dimension. I could swear Fleagle, Bingo, Drooper and Snork were gonna show up for some coffee."
He frowned. -"Who?"
She smiled. -"Ever watched "The Banana Splits"?"
-"No."
-"They were very psychedelic."
-"I felt like if I got stuck in a clip of that band..." He snapped his fingers for a second. -"…Jefferson Airplane. The whole picture was very sixties-seventies."
-"And you fitted so well in it." She jested.
-"Just like your neck." He darted back.
-"Whoa, still the fastest trigger in town."
-"You bet." He blew his forefinger.
-"Now seriously, I never saw your skin pealing or pinky. That leads to the old subject. How come? I mean, how do you get that color?"
-"Making some extra coins cleaning chimneys in my underwear."
-"I'm serious, Niles. Come on, what's your secret?"
-"How the bloody hell should I know? My genes, perhaps."
-"Your what?"
He grinned. -"My mother gets tanned easily. I inherited part of her melanin, I presume. Of course roller-skating in Central Park, or swimming at the club, or a book in the solarium in my Speedos gives an extra help. I'm from England, woman. Once you put a foot out of that island you get hooked on sunshine, that's all." He said choosing his clothes for the day.
-"You? Speedos? Boy, it's true!" She played noticing his tan mark.
-"Stop it." He said embarrassed realizing he remained undressed.
She smiled.
-"Not always…only when I go swimming as part of my exercise. I have thick thighs. Do you have any idea what is it like to kick your feet back and forth in a pool wearing trunks? My groins would burn into flames afterwards."
-"Oo.." She grinned playfully.
-"Not those flames." He bit out throwing a "ball" of socks at her.
She took it from the bed and threw back at him with her left hand; missing him by far.
-"Hey, NATO pilot." He caught it from the on air.
-"Strike!"
-"No way! Wild pitch, now go back to the Bullpen."
-"I'm not a lefty."
He tossed the socks back in his drawer. -"Is that a crime?" He smirked.
-"What being lefty or the Speedos?" She played.
He narrowed his eyes. -"Both…"
-"In your case…" She checked him out provocatively again. -"…especially the Speedos, no crime at all."
-"Would you stop?"
-"If you don't like it, why don't you dress your trousers?"
-"Because I'll have a shower in two minutes."
-"Yeah, right. You show off…" She smiled. -"But frankly, I can't understand why men, when they go to the beach to get some tan wear trunks. I mean, I'm not saying that they should use those tiny things but those huge shorts are also a bit too much. Believe me, if you wore them recently I would have noticed already. The tan marks are just awful. Looks like you sat in a pot of cottage cheese." She laughed out loud.
He shook his head.
-"Not to mention how much sand they probably gather in some…hum…places."
-"There are men that don't feel comfortable in Speedos, C.C.."
-"I suppose…I guess it's like deciding between a bikini and a whole swimming suit. I personally prefer a swimming suit."
-"I agree. There are things that shouldn't be exposed to the public."
-"You dirty rat!" This time tossing his pillow at him.
He chuckled. -"I'm kidding, woman! Have you lost what was left of your mind?" He caught the pillow and threw it on the bed again. -"There is a big mirror in my bathroom. Go and have a look at yourself."
She snarled.
-"What I mean is that sometimes when you don't expose too much and you keep one's imagination working…especially with a piece of material like you…you have a more sensual effect."
-"Nice save." She smiled. -"Well, I think you're right. Stupid discussion anyway. The thing is, I envy you and your color. Remember that time we met in Saint Barts and we had to face each other for a whole week?"
-"Yes." He grinned. -"We had fun didn't we?"
She laughed in her throaty way. -"I admit I had. I love the French Caribbean, one beach more beautiful than the other; they are the closest thing to heaven on Earth."
-"Wrong. You are the closest thing to heaven on Earth." He winked at her.
She grinned not knowing what to say.
-"Meanwhile, remind me to tell you the secret behind that trip some other day, will you?"
-"What?"
-"Not today."
-"Oh no, now you better tell me!"
-"Not today C.C.. Anyway, what about it?"
-"What about what?"
-"About that trip."
-"Now it's my turn; I won't tell."
-"Okay." He shrugged.
She sighed loudly. -"Alright, alright you..! One of the days we were talking by the pool, I heard that Marisol saying to another girl, "Look if is not Tenspeed & Brown Shoe"."
Niles laughed. -"C.C., that Marisol spent the whole holiday after every man in the island, including me. She is beautiful but has only two neurons Cheap and Dale, which I firmly believe were never introduced. I couldn't stand her. She was furious because I only had my eyes set on you. She would say anything to put you down."
-"She implied I was Jeff Goldblum and you Ben Vereen. Are you getting the picture?"
He chuckled. -"Well, not that tanned."
-"Pretty close." She mimicked a British accent.
He shook his head. -"Anyway, I love that color on you. "
-"You mean the absence of any."
-"What I mean is, I don't see you sun tanned."
-"Good, because I gave up already. I'm the type of skin that needs sun block 50 to stay under fluorescent lights."
He arched his brow. -"I thought you liked to have your skin compared to white chocolate."
-"Jealous again, are we?"
-"Do I have a reason?"
-"Niles, for the things we've experienced in this very room in the past hours you shouldn't have asked me that. But since I'm pretending to be a good girl, I'll answer. No, you don't have a reason, especially in that case. I love the drop of French blood that you have in you, infinitely better than I could possibly like the French blood that the sucker has in his entire body. Did I make myself clear?"
-"For now." He said deadpan, checking a pair of shirts. -"But I still don't know if I'll believe that all those dates you said you had, and then, that you didn't have, were really lies."
She smirked at the size of the green monster building up inside him. -"First off, I don't date, I audition soul mates."
He looked at her making clear he wasn't enjoying that conversation.
-"But I think I finally got the perfect man for the role."
No reaction from him.
-"And second…" She hesitated a second. -"Intimately, as a man, I think you know the answer to that, very well."
-"I guess I'll buy it." His hard features softened into a small victorious smile. -"After all, not many men would have the guts to sleep with a woman that wears a "beware!" sign printed in her face."
-"Oh, you are impossible!" She flopped on the bed with her eyes on the ceiling.
His smile widened as he turned around and continued to do what he was doing.
-"Will you tell me about that trip? Please, don't leave me hanging." She risked still staring at the ceiling.
-"Okay. First off, Mr. Sheffield never gave me those cuff links. He is not very fond of them but would never give away a friend's gift. You should have known that I said that just to pull your leg. You were pestering me and I knew you gave him those. All I wanted was you off my hair." He kept separating his clothes.
-"How did you get there then?"
-"I am not as frugal as you think I am. I open my wallet from time to time."
She grimaced. -"..and second..?"
-"And second, I never met you in Saint Barts by accident."
-"What are you talking about?"
-"Next time you don't want me to follow you on a trip, don't use a red marker on the brochures of your choice and keep the numbers of your agent and name of the hotel that you intend to stay to yourself."
-"How did you get those things?"
-"..'If you flip it really fast, it's like you're there'? C.C., do you think I finding you in such a remote place could be a coincidence? I'm a man, not a bloodhound. You gave me full material to find you."
She smiled to herself wondering if that wasn't a trick of her subconscious. -"And why did you follow me there?"
-"Because I wouldn't let a gorgeous blonde like you all alone in an exotic island full of sharks."
-"So why did you have to be around that Marisol when you knew I was 'all alone'?"
-"Because I knew you were 'all alone' otherwise you would never get rid of me."
-"Hmm.." She pouted. -"And when did you get there?"
-"One day after you."
-"But we only met three days after I arrived. Why didn't you call me before?"
-"Well, you were always in your room."
-"It's true." She nodded. -"The first two days I just wanted to sleep. I think my blood pres-.." She stopped astonished. -"How did you know that?!"
-"All I had to do was to have a stroll to the front desk every now and then. Your keys were rarely there."
-"You were spying on me?"
-"Well, I just wanted to know every time I went out if I would be meeting you or not."
-"And why did it take you so long to come after me? You only came to me at that party at the hotel?"
-"Because it was the first time I spotted you in that place...and especially because you were dancing with an unofficial partner."
-"By the way, did you have to introduce yourself as the doctor that did my gender operation in Morocco?"
He guffawed. -"I had forgotten about that!"
-"I never saw the guy again, you ogre."
He growled. -"Good."
She giggled. -"And I thinking it was fate."
-"Maybe it was." He turned serious again.
-"I'm glad you went after me."
-"You're sure?"
-"Sure." She played with the blanket. -"Thanks for sharing the truth."
Niles smiled again. He was crazy to give her full attention but was grumpy as hell for having to start a new day of work.
-"Niles?"
-"Mm?"
-"Tell me more about your family."
-"I will, but some other time. I already told you about that trip. Now I have to have a shower and get going."
-"Are you kicking me out of your bed already?"
Niles looked at her again and saw a pair of sad blue eyes begging for some attention and realized he was being rude.
-"I'm sorry my love." He tossed his clothes inside the top drawer and sat on the edge of his bed gathering her into his arms. -"Of course I'm not kicking you."
-"You seem to."
-"It's not true. As a matter of fact I'm counting the minutes to be with you again." He sighed loudly, trying to resist her pull. -"But all I see is a whole day between us. Not to mention that I also have to make up some stupid excuse to explain the fact that we both won't quit. That is, if, our little secret was not yet revealed."
-"And I am holding you being too pushy."
-"If the English tongue permits that, the answer is - yes."
-"Ugh..."
-"You are a demanding prima donna, you know that?" He nipped her chin.
She pouted child-like.
-"And I adore you." He shut her again with a tender kiss before she could say anything.
-"I hate when you call me prima donna."
Ignoring. -"By the way prima donna, what about your dog? Isn't Chester starving at home?" He stood again.
-"Nope." She made a lunge trying to pinch his rear but he was faster.
-"Hey!"
She giggled. -"What, no good? You can pinch me back."
-"Don't try me." He was fast enough to pinch her nose and go back to what he was doing, before she could react.
-"Ow.." She rubbed it lightly. -"Anyway, when I decided to come back here last night I had no idea of what was gonna happen, so I left him enough food and water."
-"You? Concerned about his wellbeing?"
-"I like him, Geoffrey. No matter what you and nanny Fine might think."
-"Gee, I suppose locking him in a mini-bar was a nice demonstration of that."
-"Wha...Oh, I said it but I never did that!"
-"C.C. you left that poor pooch in half of the cabs of Manhattan."
-"Haven't you ever asked how the drivers always found me so easily? He has my cell phone number in his collar and an electronic chip implanted."
-"You are disturbed."
-"Especially when you are around." She said sensuously, observing him with her head rested on her elbow. -"Niles…"
-"Yeees?"
-"How did you get that scar?"
-"What scar?"
-"Like a moon…In your thigh…It's cute."
-"Oh…er…" He looked at it and sighed. -"Ask your boss."
-"Max?"
-"Yes."
-"Oh, come o-oon."
-"I'm out of time. Now you tell me - why?"
-"Why what?"
-"Did you leave the dog in those cabs." He changed the subject.
-"It was only twice. Now you tell-"
-"Again, why? You can't be that absent-minded and I refuse to believe that you'd forget him on purpose."
She breathed soundly. -"You really want to know the truth?"
-"Desperately." He mumbled.
Her face turned serious. -"I admit it was on purpose. I won't do that again, though. I like him."
His face was confused.
-"It was part of my "shrew" role. I always thought the idea of Maxwell giving me that dog, was in fact, yours."
He breathed deeply avoiding her eyes. -"So?"
-"I liked the present but I was sick and tired of you making fun of us. Like he was more human than I, or as if he was the only male I was able to have around."
-"So?" He dryly repeated.
-"If the idea of me having him was yours, I wanted to make you regret thinking I was mistreating the poor animal."
-"I want to forget that birthday, C.C.."
-"Why?"
-"Mister Sheffield and all that blabber about you being alone for too long."
-"He cares for me."
-"I was confused, okay. Confused and scared. For the first time you were having all your friends joining you at Le Cirque and I wasn't there. I was literally left out of the loop."
-"I was B.S.ing you, Niles. My mother, Noel, Max, and a common girlfriend of my brother and I…Big deal! One of the most boring nights of my life, thanks to mother telling all the juicy details of her latest affairs."
-"You were really expecting a ring from him, weren't you?"
-"What? When?"
He closed his eyes with one hand and mimicked her showing the other hand as if waiting for a wedding ring to be placed there.
-"Niles, minutes before you entered that room with Chester, Maxwell told me you were outside with his birthday present for me. How could I possibly be expecting a ring? I gave him my hand because I knew you would be in that room. I did that to poke you, moron!" She gave a nervous laugh.
-"All I wanted was a good soul by your side in that apartment so your heart wouldn't dry."
-"So I was right then..Chester was your idea?"
-"Yes."
-"And for pity?!"
-"Ye-No!" He was caught out of action.
-"If you wanted a 'soul' by my side why didn't you give me yours instead?" She raised her voice.
-"I did…" He pointed out, dealing with his clothes again.
-"Y-y-your heart then!"
Turning with a piercing look he bit out. -"I gave…years ago…"
-"THE RES-t of you, damned!"
-"You know why."
-"That stupid pledge."
-"Yes, that stupid pledge!" He was tired of arguing over old issues and was worried about the time. -"And don't make me regret breaking it." His turn to raise the voice.
-"Why? Don't you think I'm enough of a human being already?" She let out sarcastically.
He was trying to be slippery but she kept pulling him back. Not hiding his sour mood anymore, he over reacted again. -"Well, I got the results on your DNA test and I'm glad to know I had sex with the right gender. What I still don't know is if I had a woman or just a female." He cut her rudely, going to his bathroom and slamming the door.
C.C. got out of bed dizzily. -'Wha..why?' She thought distressfully.
Suddenly she remembered that she had all her clothes hanging in the guest bathroom. Grabbing Niles' robe and listening carefully, she went out making sure there was no movement around.
Fifteen minutes later she returned to his room all dressed up except for her shoes. She carefully tiptoed across the hallway and came in, closing the door gingerly. Sitting on his bed where she left her coat and the robe she had brought back, she tried to put her shoes on but felt them freezing, yet a little damp from the stormy night. She set them on the heater in the floor so they could dry up. Still confused by his reaction and propelled to find out what happened, she swallowed hard and went knocking slightly at the door going in without waiting for permission.
Niles had a white towel around his waist, which accentuated his tan. She was all dressed in black, which always made her skin appear more pale.
His face was covered in foam. Regretting his behavior already he avoided looking at her directly. She watched him in the mirror as their eyes met. She studied his face carefully. Niles knew he offended her for another silly reason. One thing was his comebacks another was attacking her gratuitously.
-"C.C., I'm sorry. I think I was upset with the fact that you knew my little secret all these years. I was not that smart after all; about the dog, I mean." He continued shaving.
-"No biggy.."
-"Yes biggy. I'm really sorry."
She bitter smiled.
-"But I'm also in a terrible mood because I have zillions of problems to think of, when all I wanted to have in mind was you." He sighed loudly. -"Not to mention the fact that I'll regret that pledge till the end of my days."
Narrowing her eyes she darted. -"Just remind me to buy you a Mood Ring, okay?"
-"And I'll give you a pair of shin pads to protect you from my kicks."
-"I'm the one who kicks. You do more damage with that sharp tongue of yours." Not interested in further discussions she approached, wrapped her arms around him from behind, and landed her chin on his shoulder. -"I'm loving to see you shaving."
Taking a bit of foam from his face he rubbed on the tip of her nose. -"Look, if it's not Vixen, one of Santa's reindeer?" He watched her image in the mirror.
-"Oh look, if it's not a mad dog foaming at the mouth." She scoffed.
-"Be careful, this mad dog bites, and bites hard sometimes."
-"Oh yeah? All these years of you portraying me as a bitch really helped me to get into the character."
-"I never did that."
-"Oo no - a dog holding a Chihuahua…What was that supposed to mean?"
-"Er.."
-"And by the way…" She reached out and plucked some hair strands off his head.
-"Ow! What was that for?"
-"I'll keep these, just in case. You know what they say, "The hair of the dog cures a hangover"."
-"Oh.." He got the message.
-"We're even." She let the hair drop in the sink and held him again.
He smiled recalling the time he did that to her when Mr. Sheffield came home high. -"Alright, Babcock, we're square."
She giggled. -"Now learn this, Buster, I can bite as hard as you."
-"Are you trying to threat me or to turn me on?"
She nuzzled at the back of his neck. -"Both.."
He shivered and reacted with a jolt almost getting hurt with his blade. -"Careful." He moaned.
-"I'm sorry." She grinned. -"Niles..?"
-"Mmm?"
-"You mentioned California and I'm curious about one thing…"
-"..'bout what?"
-"You just said you love the sun. How come you were so upset about the family moving?"
He stopped his shaving.
-"What?" She insisted.
He resumed. -"I thought God could be punishing me."
-"Why..?" She was lost.
-"Remember that time when you traveled there to negotiate that first stuff?"
-"To California, you mean?"
-"Yes."
-"Sure. What about it?"
-"Mr. Sheffield said over the phone that you would probably have to relocate."
She pondered seriously. -"Perhaps." She nodded. -"Perhaps I would. But-"
-"I was deadly afraid of that but I kept acting as if it was a bless."
-"Max and Fran told me that. So what?"
-"Well, that whole thing never took off and I was alleviated."
-"I know but now the situation is different." She was trying to get his point. -"Why were you so upset?"
-"Remember that day Mr. Sheffield and you got into the kitchen breaking the news?"
-"Yes, I was radiating."
His face skeptical. -"I wish I knew that."
-"I don't get you."
-"I had the intercom on you half an hour before when you both got that call in his office."
-"Niles, you always have that intercom turned on, and if you'll ask me, that is one of your least attractive behaviors."
-"Like I was going to let you alone with him without checking."
-"You also spied on him and nanny Fine."
-"To see if they were getting some place."
-"Niles, admit it, you love a juicy gossip. Now, what's your point?" She insisted.
-"It makes life spicier?"
-"What's your point about you hearing this talk between Maxwell and me? What did we say?"
-"Ohh..Remember what he said to you after he hang up the phone?"
She frowned trying to recall. -"I-I…I frankly don't."
-"He told you that if you didn't want to move to California he wouldn't force you."
-"Oh."
-"And you said?"
She laughed in her throaty way recalling. -"That I would think about it. That staying and starting a solo career could be a good idea."
He nodded again.
-"Niles, that's what you get for listening to our conversations." She said shocked. -"So that's why you were so sour from the very beginning? You thought I might stay."
-"Yes." He pouted child-like.
-"And on the other hand I felt the same about you." She slapped his back.
-"You mean, you thought I might stay?"
-"Yes. You were so mad about the moving that I actually thought that could happen." She answered seriously.
-"Oy.." He smiled.
-"Did you really buy for a second that I wouldn't move with you? Ha!" She shook her head. -"Niles, if you moved to Canton - China, I would go after you. And I mean "you" - singular. I told Max the first stupid thing that came to my mind. He's always despising my work. It was like trying to make him figure how it would be without my partnership."
-"You mean I wasted nights of sleep for nothing?"
-"I'm happy to say that, yes."
He narrowed his eyes and growled Lurch-like.
-"Now learn the lesson." She laughed again.
-"What lesson; bladder control?"
-"Stop snooping." She pushed his head gently. -"I can't believe we both fell for that."
He rinsed his blade silently and began to work on the other side of his face.
She broke the silence wondering. -"What's wrong with this picture?"
-"What picture?"
-"You and me."
-"Besides the fact that your are holding me passionately instead of beating me over the head?" He sounded pretentious.
-"Yes, besides that." She smiled while mimicking his shaving expressions in the mirror.
-"I don't know." He rinsed his blade one more time.
-"Hey, let me try that?"
-"Bless me, there goes my jugular."
-"I promise to be careful." She snatched the Sensor out of his hand and started shaving him slowly.
-"Why don't you shave yourself?"
She put the blade against his neck.
-"Now, be careful with that."
-"Behave then." She resumed. -"This blade won't go."
-"It's thick hair." He stood still. -"Your hand has to be firm."
Her hand shook lightly. -"You're right. Here…" She gave him back his razor. -"I'm afraid to hurt you." Then held him again. -"Pff..I can't believe I just said that."
-"I can't believe I heard that." He resumed shaving more quickly this time. -"Anyway, I'll show you some other day. We don't quite have much time now."
-"Ouch." She complained.
-"Sorry." He looked down realizing he had stepped on one of her feet. -"What happened to your shoes?" He rinsed his blade and face.
-"Eureka!"
-"What?"
-"That's it…"
-"What, incoherent woman?"
-"When I'm not using high heels…you're taller than me."
-"My-my, I'll finally have my chance to look down on you. I can live with that. Can you?" He wiped his face with the towel.
-"I'm serious."
-"Me too."
-"You know, one of my favorite couples in Hollywood was just like us. But they were always making her use flats, so he could look taller. I always thought that was so foolish."
-"Well C.C., those were the fifties."
-"You don't even know what I'm talking about."
-"Of course I do. And they happen to be two of my favorite actors too."
-"I doubt. Who are they?"
-"Katharine Hepburn and Spencer Tracy."
Her mouth dropped.
He tossed the towel over his shoulder covering her face on purpose.
-"I can't believe it!" Her voice came out surprised but muffled by the cloth on her face.
-"Believe it. Take a trip down the memory lane, woman. How many times you caught me watching their movies during the day and made me tape them for you?"
She unwrapped her arms from around him and got rid of the towel. -"You're right. Anyway, that silly trick was very popular those days."
-"I know. If you pay attention, you'll see that they use it with Desi and Lucy too." He put some after-shave on, doing a cute reproduction of Macaulay Culkin.
-"What, Home Alone 100?"
-"No good?"
-"The impersonation was great but the lotion. What, no Lemon Bowl Fresh?"
He turned around gathering her within his arms. -"Go to a public men's room, baby, you ain't gonna get that here no more." He played.
-"God I love your smell, Niles."
Trying desperately to control himself he closed his eyes as she held him closer and sensually rubbed her still partially foamy nose on his neck. -"Do you have any idea how I like to feel this scent first thing in the morning?"
-"Liar." He replied nearly losing his head.
-"Oh yeah? Why do you think I use my key to this place so rarely?"
-"Because you are generally so very drunk early in the day that you hardly can find the key hole?"
-"Guess again." She nibbled at his jaw line making him desperately fight his urge. -"You opening that door for me all these years kept another of my five senses proving me that I was alive and that I had something to live for."
-"What sense, the ability of smelling a dead body miles away?" He played knowing that if she continued what she was doing he would "climb the walls".
-"Yes, especially rotten corpses like yours, Big Mouth."
-"I'm enjoying the way you've been using some of your senses lately." He jested.
-"I dreamt of the day I would be able to use them thoroughly. And I have to recognize, you use some of yours very wisely too."
He couldn't resist anymore. -'To hell with the hour.' He thought. Opening his eyes his fiery gaze traveled from her eyes to her mouth. -"You're welcome." He said cupping her face within his hands and driving his mouth to hers madly.
She responded moaning with contentment, roaming her hands slowly over his chest and enjoying each inch of muscle.
He sighed loudly through his nostrils.
-"Nice welcome." She said almost in a whisper when their lips parted.
-"Anytime."
She attempted to kiss him again but stopped in the middle. -"Mm! Oh shi..."
-"What? Did I hurt you?"
-"No..it's my-my..my-my.."
-"My what?"
-"My purse!"
-"What about it?"
-"It's downstairs; on the hall table!" She ran out of the bathroom after her shoes.
-"Blast! Okay, you run and get it. Then hide in the toilet down the hall. Wait for me there. I'll get dressed and we'll play our act."
-"Right." She walked to the door.
-"Hey?" He grabbed her arm.
-"What?"
-"Today is Saturday. Won't they be suspicious?"
-"No. Actually, I have a very important message from Lloyd Webber's office. I could call Maxwell, it's true, but I'm sure they will take the bait."
-"Good."
-"Oh, I hate this situation. Damn, if Yetta could have a hot night here, why not us? Senility is a good excuse don't you think..er..?"
-"Biles." He nodded playing along.
-"Biles the Nutler?" She asked in a grin recalling where that came from.
-"Me-myself-I."
-"It was a pleasure meeting you, Biles." She grabbed and dressed her red coat.
-"Ours…" He naughty smiled and frantically put his clothes on.
She chortled on her way out.
Getting downstairs she found her purse untouched. Picking it up along with her micro cassette she flew to the toilet down the hall. As she was putting some make up on, she smiled at that situation. Even feeling profoundly embarrassed she knew that that would happen very often from now on because Niles and her wouldn't be able to be around each other without something torrid happening with no previous advice. Watching her face glow in the mirror she asked herself. -"What took you so long, fool?"
A few seconds later she heard a knock; it was the Butler.
-"The coast is clear, except for Mrs. Sheffield. She's in the kitchen making Mr. Sheffield some tea. I told you there was some left."
-"Aw, you enjoyed the wine. Now, did she say anything?"
-"No, apparently she knows nothing. I told her I overslept because it took me forever to get some rest."
-"At least you didn't lie." She smiled putting her earrings on.
-"Okay. Now, you act naturally. Give me a minute more and go to the study. Mr. Sheffield is already there. If they ask, you say you came in with your own key today. That will explain the fact that they didn't hear the bell. I'll be watering the plants there in a couple minutes."
She frowned suspicious. -"Are you sure you never brought any slimy company to this place before? You're really good at this."
-"I like to write thrillers in my spare time. I'm good with alibis. Now come on...ACTION!"
-"AL-right." She said nervously, giving him a peck on the lips and cleaning the lipstick off him afterwards. -"Hey, what about that concert, are you game?"
-"Course..but we'll talk later. Now, come on."
-"`K..." She whispered on her way out.
The day began strange. At one moment they could swear Max and Fran knew all about them, minutes later they apparently had no clue. The brand new lovers had a very hard time to explain why both decided not to resign as they planned, not to mention the fact that Miss Babcock wearing the same outfit of the day before didn't go unnoticed.
After a short inquiry, and knowing how both would be probably feeling, the Sheffields pretended to buy their excuses.
To avoid further embarrassments, the Butler and the Blonde went about their affairs very quietly, rarely seeing each other for the rest of the morning. To make things worse, C.C. told Max about the message she got from Sir Webber's secretary and he hit the ceiling, immediately deciding to mount a new show for not having to rent the 49th Theatre to his 'nemesis'. The thing was, Miss Babcock would have to go out and promote something that she had no clue what was going to be, the idea then was to find a play as fast as they could.
Niles had lunch almost ready around eleven thirty, when Val knocked at the backdoor.
-"Hello Miss Toriello."
-"Hi Niles. How is everything?"
He smirked at his thoughts. -"Not bad, not bad at all. What's new with you?"
-"Mm..not much." She pouted. -"Except for somebody out of the blue complimenting me on my driving
today. He or she left me a little note on the windscreen. Here…" She handed him the paper. -"It says: 'Parking Fine'."
Niles stared at her for a moment.
-"What?" Val inquired.
-"I hate to tell you this, Val, but…" He gave her back the paper. -"…this is a ticket for overtime parking."
-"You're kiddin' me, right?"
-"I'm afraid not."
-"I cannot believe this! That never happened to me before."
-"Doesn't this mean that somehow you are privileged?"
-"Why, because I have a car?"
-"No, because you found a parking space."
Nodding. -"Good point."
He smiled.
-"Is Fran home?"
-"I'll call her. Oh, there she is."
-"Hi Val." Mrs. Sheffield entered the kitchen saluting her friend with a grin.
-"Hi Fran." Val waved not sounding very glad.
-"What?" Fran inquired taking a brand new orange juice carton box out of the fridge. -"What's wrong?"
-"I don't know. Everything seems to be wrong with me. I hate my job. It's cheap, demeaning and I'm surrounded by ungrateful people."
-"Don't worry…" Niles crossed their way. -"..you'll get used to it."
Fran ignored him. -"Val, take one from me, life is an endless struggle, full of frustrations and challenges, but eventually you find a hairstylist you like."
Niles began to whistle low.
-"Well, at least somebody is happy." Val said under her breath.
Fran sotto. -"Oh yeah? I don't know yet. I think that man is walking on ice with his hands in his pockets."
-"Is he in trouble?" Val asked as they both continued in very low voices. -"He seems to be in heaven."
-"Heaven and hell, just a fine line between them. Trust me, I learned a lesson from school. You should never let your wildest, craziest friend put her hand on the back of your head in front of a whipped cream cake much less an enemy."
-"That was me." Val smiled.
-"Tell me about it."
-"I don't think I get you."
-"What a shocker." Fran mumbled.
-"By the way, I just learned one from my job. Never inhale through your nose when you're eating a powdered doughnut."
Fran nodded. -"The thing is, if you can't trust your best friend, let alone your worst." Fran pointed at the Butler.
-"What happened?" Val raised her voice.
-"Noth-nothing…er…Tell ya later." Fran disguised noticing that Niles was now paying attention to them. -"So, what's wrong?"
-"Ah, everything. Just to start with, I went to your Uncle Stanley's jewelry to pick up a golden chain that my aunt bought there and had it engraved. Boy, that man talks his head off."
-"Uncle Stanley? Sheesh! He's worse than Ma', aunt Frieda, and I. By the way, I'll have to talk to him today."
-"Meanwhile, thanks to that blabber, I just found out I got a ticket for overtime parking." Getting a thought. -"Why doesn't Stanley provide a parking lot for his customers?"
-"Are you kidding? This is New York Val, if he had a parking lot he wouldn't need a jewelry store."
-"I guess not." She nodded thoughtfully. -"Anyways, I'm also having problems at home. Aunt Claire is visiting us."
-"Your mother's snob sister from Virginia?"
-"Yes. By the way, you are invited to have lunch with us tomorrow. She'll introduce her new husband."
-"Oy Val, I'll take a rain check on that one if you don't mind." Then. -"Another husband?!"
-"Well, you know her. Where there's a will…she wants to be in it. She remarried a guy that she claims one of his ancestors signed the declaration of independence."
-"Oh yeah? Big deal. One of mine signed the 10 commandments. What does she have to say?"
-"Good one. I'm gonna tell her that if she starts getting on my nerves again." Val sighed. -"The woman is so picky these days. She's driving everyone crazy at home! She's so mean and short-tempered." Under her breath. -"You know, I think she is going through her mental-pause."
-"Va-l!"
-"What?"
-"Menopause, Val! Me-no-pause!"
Niles smiled.
-"Do you believe this, Niles? I took her the other day to a Blockbuster to apply as a member. She filled the whole thing okay, but when she got to the bottom of the application where it said, sign here…she wrote: Capricorn. Oy!"
Niles choked a laugh.
Val was serious. -"Fine, if you can't be supportive today I can come back any other time."
-"Don't worry Val." Niles addressed. -"Next mood swing, in 6 minutes."
-"Don't start with me, Niles."
He chuckled hoarsely.
-"No-no. I'm sorry, Val. I'm sorry. We supported each other all these years. Now that I became the happiest woman on Earth, I won't let you down. You're still my favorite kvetch. Come on, dish."
Val was staring at the orange juice box.
-"Dish Val." Fran insisted.
No answer.
-"Val, when you read "concentrate" at those boxes you don't need to spend 30 minutes staring at them." Fran played pouring some juice to her friend.
-"Wha..? Oh, I'm sorry Fran. I'm still shocked. You know, I went to the movies last night."
-"Why the shock?" Fran gasped. -"Are you telling me that you could understand that whole "Matrix" business?"
-"No way. I'll never get that one."
-"Who's foolin' who - neither will I. And I'm not so sure if that Keanu was very into it."
-"Oh, movies are becoming sicker all the time. They make me depressed."
-"Val, you got depressed the first time you looked at your drivers license and saw you got an "F" in sex."
Niles smiled again.
-"It's true Fran. You should have seen what I saw. A naked man was beating a naked woman for no reason."
-"Boy, that's what I call a turn-off story line. What movie was that?"
-"What movie? That happened by the popcorn stand!"
Niles and Fran shot a skeptical look at each other.
-"That was sick." Val added.
-"Val, you've got to find yourself a new boyfriend."
-"I thought I had one."
-"What about Jimmy?"
-"Married already. Can you believe it?"
-"They got back together and married? Boy, Ma is losing her touch. I didn't know that!"
-"They eloped."
-"The guy's a cheapie anyway. From what I've heard, the only time he gave his fiancée a ring was from a phone booth. Let's see…and Barry?"
-"Married."
-"Him too? I can't believe it! And what about that-that…Paul…Remember Paul?" Fran insisted.
-"Yes."
-"And?"
-"Paul likes Barry."
-"Oy."
-"You know, I went out last night with Nino Malavoglia."
-"Nino Mala-who?"
-"..voglia…You know, that guy that I met at the frozen food section."
-"In the bachelors' aisle?"
-"Yes. Remember him?"
-"No."
-"The one who's a dead ringer for Danny Bonaducci."
-"Today's looks I hope." Fran muttered. Suddenly something clicked. -"Oh, that Nino? Woo-ra! He's so cute, and so nice, and so rich."
-"That's the one." Val pondered. -"But you know what I liked about him the most?"
-"No?"
-"He's so single."
-"In the name of Big Daddy, Junior and the Spook, you found one, sis!" Fran let out.
Niles and Val frowned.
-"Er..sorry." She breathed. -"Just saw a PJ's promo on TV…So, what happened, Val?"
-"Nothing actually. They canceled the function after that freaky show at the popcorn stand. Nino dropped me home."
-"Couldn't he take you to some place else?"
-"Perhaps. But he was so nervous when the cops came. Actually, it's the first time that I date a man who tells me he's allergic to blue uniforms. And why is he always wearing black?"
-"Well, black makes people thinner."
-"It's true. I have a friend who's dating an Afro-guy, she's just skin and bones."
-"Aa-haa.." Fran guffawed.
Niles suddenly approached. -"Excuse me but…allergic to police uniforms and his entire wardrobe is in black? He-llo…"
-"What?" Fran and Val asked in unison.
-"Either he's in the funeral business with problems with the IRS or..."
Suddenly Fran's smile faded away. -"You don't think he could be a...?"
-"Paisan?"
-"Yes?"
-"I don't know but I think an audition for "M.I.B - The Sequel" is out of question."
-"You know Val, maybe Niles is right. Maybe you should dump this Nino, before he dumps you…literally, I mean. Maybe he's-he's from…the mob?" She let out the last words in a whisper.
-"It happened to you once."
-"And it was so scaaaaryy."
-"I knew something was wrong!" Val slapped the table. -"What is the problem with me, Fran? Statistics say that people alone, die young."
-"Oh Val, Statistics is the branch of Mathematics that says that if you ate a bagel and I didn't eat any, we both ended up eating half of it. Have you ever heard anything more stupid?"
-"He seemed to be so perfect. He made me feel so smart."
-"Smart?"
-"The guy can't even have his VCR programmed. We were there at the popcorn stand and he told me he was gonna buy a new car. I asked, 'what you're gonna get a V6 or a V8?' He said, 'Neither one, I'll have a Pepsi'."
-"Ohh.." Fran smiled bitterly.
-"This would be really funny if it weren't happening to me."
-"You know, Val, I think you should call it quits and look for somebody else, honey."
-"I don't know. I'm becoming tired." She sighed loudly. -"Fran?"
-"Yes, sweetie?"
-"What would you do if Mr. Sheffield took the proposal back one more time?"
Niles mumbled. -"She would probably be spending her honeymoon in Viagra Falls."
-"You know Niles, if people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less." Fran pouted.
-"Says who?" He arched his brow. -"Sorry. Sarcasm, just one more service we offer."
-"All I know is…nobody cares about me." Val said dispiritedly.
-"Aw, sweetie, that is not true. I love you. Besides, if you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments."
-"Why can't I find my prince charming as you did?"
-"You will. But it's not easy to have everything."
-"What do you mean?"
-"The day you start a diet is the day someone wants to take you to dinner in your favorite restaurant."
Niles bent down putting something in the oven. Val and Fran gave him a silly, dirty, look.
-"You know Val…" Fran smirked. …"behind a great man there is always.."
-"..a great behind.." Val added in a low voice.
Fran and Val burst into laughter again. Niles was so lost in his thoughts about his Blonde that a Mack Truck could hit him and he would never realize.
-"What do you think he is gonna do tonight?" Val asked.
-"Forget that one Val, he's not for you. Besides, I bet he will stay in bed having a huge piece of white chocolate."
-"I'm crazy about chocolate."
-"Not the brand he's into."
Go on to Part Two
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