Back to Fan Fictionby
Casey
(SingC25@aol.com)
Max and Fran sitting on the couch in their new home, Fran holding one of the twins, Max holding the other as the babies sleep.
Max:Oh Fran, we made beautiful babies.
Fran:Yeah Yeah...I know you didn't make a baby for the baby. You made a baby 'cause you like the way you get them.
They smile
There's a knock at the door...Fran gets up to answer it. Her face is overcome with fake shock and she puts her hand to her chest.
Fran: Elizabeth Taylor, Hilton, Wilder, Todd, Fischer, Burton, Burton, Warner, Fortenski! OH MY GOD!
Max:Oh, Fran...What Have you done?
Liz: Oh...Weren't you expecting me?
Max looked Flustered.
Max:Well, actually, No...(laughs) Fran, Darling, could you come here for a second?
Liz: OH! You're married!
Fran:Yeah, Finally!
Liz: Finally? You mean you've NEVER been married before this?
Fran Smiles.
Fran: Uh, No... meanwhile, Max...Why don't you trust me?
Max: Because, darling, last time you got invited back to a celebrity's house, it was because you stole Barbara's suede boot.
Fran: HEY! You Yenta! How'd you know about that?
Max: Well, Uh, you didn't exactly stay very long at her house, and she almost filed a law suit.
Fran: And you wouldn't let me have the pleasure of being sued by BARBARA?! OY!
Max: I'm terribly sorry about that, Would you like to have a seat Ms. Uh...
Liz:(laughs) Taylor.
Max: Right. I never can keep track of your last names.
Smiles uncomfortably when he realizes what he said.
Liz: Well, your wife here told me that you were looking for a leading lady in your movie, but were having trouble finding one.
Max:That's right. How exactly did my wife get your number?
Liz: Well, I gave it to her when the pearls were still missing.
Max: Oh, right, I'm terribly sorry about that, um, Fran, darling...take the baby please.
He gave the baby to Fran and she walked gracefully up the stairs to put them to bed.
Later, in the hallway...
Fran:NILES! Elizabeth Taylor is here again!
Niles: (looks shocked) Elizabeth Taylor, Hilton, Wilder, Todd, Fischer, Burton, Burton, Warner, Fortenski?
Fran: Yeah! That's the one!
Niles: Oy. What did you do this time?
Fran:Why does everybody assume I did something wrong when a star comes to see me again?
Niles: Well, last time Ms. Striesand called you back because you...
Fran:OY! Does everybody know all of my personal business? What Yentas you english men are!
Fran and Niles go down stairs to see Liz still on the couch with Max.
Niles: Hello Elizabeth Taylor, I'm Niles the Butler.
Liz: You don't have a last name?
Niles: No.
Liz:(She looks puzzled) Not even 1? Oh, right...you're a man.
Everyone smiles
Fran:Say, Ms. Taylor, now that I'm married, could I...
She holds Liz's hand staring at her ring
Liz: No.
She pulled her hand to her chest quickly
Fran looks dissapointed
Fran:Oh.
Max: (Changing subject) So, Uh, Fran, Ms. Taylor here says she would be happy to be my leading lady.
Fran: Hey! No Fair! He was mine first! You've already been married 8 times!
Max: Honey, I believe she was referring to the movie.
Fran:(looks relieved and nods her head in approval) Oh, right.
She smiles at Liz
Liz: Wel, I best be going...um I have to go meet some people.
Max;Well, Thank you for coming!
Fran: It was an honor to speak with you again my queen.
Sylvia speeds into the room.
Sylvia: My Queen? Is Barbara Here?
Fran:Oy Ma! How'd you hear me?
Sylvia: Your Voice carries!
Fran:To the Guest House?
Sylvia:To China!
Fran smiles
Sylvia: So is she here or what?
Fran: No Ma...ElizabethTaylor is!
Yetta's voice coming from the kitchen: Elizabeth Taylor, Hilton, Wilder, Todd, Fischer, Burton, Burton, Warner, Fortenski?!
Fran yelling: OY YETTA! YOU CAN REMEMBER ALL 9 OF HER LAST NAMES BUT NOT YOUR OWN GRANDCHILDREN'S?
Yetta finally makes her way into the living room
Yetta: Well we're talking about...who were we talking about again?
Fran:Oy, come on, you can meet her.
Yetta: Who?
Fran: ELIZABETH TAYLOR!
Yetta's eyes get big
Yetta: Elizabeth Taylor, Hilton....
Fran cuts her off...
Fran: you already listed all her last names Yetta.
Yetta: Who's?
Fran:OY! Come on, they're over there.
She points to Niles, Liz and Max all standing near the couch.
Max gives Fran a dirty look.
Fran:(smiles) Uh, Ms. Taylor? I'd like you to meet my mother, Sylvia, sylvia curtsies, and my grandmother Yetta.
Yetta's eyes get big again
Yetta:WOW! It's a pleasure to meet you Ms. Streisand.
She leans over to Fran and cups her hand to the side of her mouth to tell Fran something.
Yetta: Wow. She must've had some surgery. Meanwhile, didn't she used to be skinnier?
Fran: Oy. Yetta! This is...Nevermind. I'm terribly sorry Ms. taylor. She's scenile.
later in Max's office, C.C. is sitting on the sofa, wrapped in Nile's arms While Max is typing something on his laptop.
C.C.: Oh Niles, I feel like crap.
Niles: You are.
C.C. gives him a dirty look.
C.C.:Hey, you promised as long as I'm in this emotional stage of the pregnancy, we wouldn't insult eachother.
Niles:I'm sorry. I couldn't resist.
C.C.:I loathe you.
Niles: No you don't.
C.C.: yes I do you naughty bell boy!
Niles: Sexy... Brunette.
Max: (looks disgusted) Do you two mind? Get a room.
Fran:Knock Knock
She sways gently into the office.
Max:Hey gorgeous
Fran:Gorgeous? Hey Niles, what have you been puttin' in his drinks? Give him some more! I look like hell!
Niles smiles
Fran: Meanwhile, I wanted to know what's going on with Liz.
C.C.: ELIZABETH TAYLOR WAS HERE AND I WASN"T?!
Fran:Ha! That's 'cause I didn't get to go into the office last time!
C.C. looks at her angrily.
Fran:Wha?
C.C.: Damn.
Fran:Wha?
C.C.:I was thinking of something to call you, but I can't call you a brunette or a bell boy. They aren't insults to you.
Fran: No, brunette would actually be a compliment to me. I really need to dy...um...I really need to buy... hmm...a new sweater.
C.C. smiles at her.
Niles:Oh, Nice save.
Max: I still haven't thanked you for calling Elizabeth Taylor for me.
Fran: Oh. You're gonna tell me thank you?
Max: Yes, Why?
Fran: (smiles) Well um I thought you were gonna show me thank you...(smiles more sexily)...later.
Max: Oh. Well uh...
Niles:And we can't have naughty isult rallys? But she can talk like that?
Fran looks at C.C. who is giggling to herself holding her stomach.
Fran: So C.C., how have you been feeling?
C.C.: Like a fat cow!
Fran: Oh, Yeah, I know the feeling...but you're not nearly as big as my mom got with me and my sister...(stops)...come to think of it, you're not as big as ma period.
They laugh
C.C.: Niles, will you get me a drink?
Niles: Happy hour doesn't start till you go home. Oh damn. It doesn't work when we're married. You are home.
Fran smiles at Niles
Later, the phone rings. Fran picks it up.
Fran: Hello?
Fran: Oh Hi Ms. Taylor!
Fran: Yes He's here...do you want me to get him?
Fran:OK, just a sec.
She gets off the phone and walks over to the stairs. She calls extremley softly
Fran: Max...oh Max...
(No answer)
Fran:Oh, Damn.
Walks back over to the phone.
Fran: He can't come to the phone right now, he's busy. Hey, I was wondering, do you know Barbara Streisand?
Fran:Oh you don't.
Fran:No he can't come to the phone right now.
Fran:Uh-Huh. He's bus...
Max walks by, she holds the phone to her chest
Max: Who is it?
Fran:Uh...
holds the phone to her ear again
Fran:Hi, Um, Ms. Taylor? He's right here.
Max gives her a dirty look.
Fran:Wha?! Here! Take the damn phone.
She hands him the phone and walks angrily up the stairs.
Fran Loudly: Well I hope your happy, stupid schmeggegie.
Max: Liz wants you to know she heard that.
Fran: I was talkin' to you anyway!
Max:I'm sorry Ms. Taylor.
Max:Uh-huh,
Max:Uh-huh
Max: Yes
Max:Oh, OK.
Max:Splendid. See you tomorrow at noon.
Fran upstairs on the phone with Val
Fran: Val! I'm goin' to lunch with Elizabeth Taylor!
Max from downstairs: Oh No you're not!
Fran:Oh Ricky! You never let me go anywhere with you and your famous friends! Ooh, gotta lay off the I love Lucy.
She raises her eyebrow
Fran:OK Val, Well I'll talk to ya tomorrow.
Fran: Uh-Huh...Bye.
Later, in the bedroom, Fran is sitting on the bed in a beautiful neglige,Max exits the bathroom
Max:That nightgown is very sexy.
Fran:Oh, You like?
Max:Yes, but you still aren't going to lunch with me and Elizabeth Taylor.
Fran:Oh! Come On! Why not?
Max:Because, you'll end up messing it up!
Fran:No I won't I promise!
Max:Yes you will Lucy! Oy, looks like I'm going to need to lay off the I Love Lucy!
Fran Smiles
Fran: Hey, You said oy! see? I'm a good influence!
Max:I did not say Oy!
Fran: Yes you did!
He sits down on the bed
Max:No I didn't. Besides...remind me why that's a good thing?
Fran: Oy...Don't be such a schmegeggie.
She leans over and kisses him
The End
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