Unforgettable

by

Jaby jay
(javi_lock@hotmail.com)

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I first saw you
And it's been awhile
Since I could stand on my own two feet again
And it's been awhile
Since I could call you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've stretched myself beyond my means

And it's been awhile
Since I can say that I wasn't addicted
And it's been awhile
Since I can say I love myself as well
And it's been awhile
Since I've gone and fucked things up just like I always do
And it's been awhile
But all that shit seems to disappear when I'm with you

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem
The consequences that I've rendered
I've gone and fucked things up again

Why must I feel this way?
Just make this go away
Just one more peaceful day!

And it's been awhile
Since I could look at myself straight
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry
And it's been awhile
Since I've seen the way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile
But I can still remember just the way you taste

And everything I can't remember
As fucked up as it all may seem to be I know it's me
I cannot blame this on my father
He did the best he could for me

And it's been awhile
Since I could hold my head up high
And it's been awhile
Since I said I'm sorry

He could hardly believe that somehow everything had come to this; he could hardly believe that now things were like they were, all messed up, all backwards.

And the funny part of it all was that he had never wanted it to end up this way.

Or rather, start up this way.

He had always thought she was one of a kind, right, and he had always thought they would eventually end up together. And he had never imagined he was going to be so damn wrong.

He took another drag of his cigarette, trying to remember the exact point in which things had turned to be this way and he couldn’t quite catch it. She had made her point clear; she didn’t want him there, she didn’t want him anywhere close to her, she just didn’t want him.

Period.

He closed his eyes, and as funny as it all may seemed her words hurt a lot less than he had imagined. He had taken a wrong turn somewhere along the way, and all he could do now was to remember her taste, her smell, the way her short blond hair fell softly when she walked away, her throaty laugh whenever she won a round of insults, her eyes looking desperately at him.

He could only remember the way she said those words.

And all he wanted was for it to be a lie, another one of those hurting games they were so used to play.

He blinked slowly as he took another step in the wet street, he looked into his watch; he was late, and he had never been late before. Maybe it was just the way fate had of telling him that he had nothing to do there.

But he kept on walking, because he had to see the way she made the wrong decision, because he wanted to see with his own eyes the way she broke his heart. But on top of it he was walking towards there because he was a masochist and had always been one.

He remembered, if he tried hard enough, the first day he had seen her. The way she had condescendingly talked to him; as if he was just one domestic more, the way she had widely opened her eyes as he answered with one quick remark, the way she had laughed at him for being what he was, the way her blue eyes had looked deeply into his and the numerous times he had caught her staring at him when she thought no one was looking.

It had been a while since all of that, since the night he had felt her lips into his with just a hint of alcohol. Now all of his past seemed as blurry as that same day, when he didn’t even know if what he was doing was right.

He took another drag of his cigarette before throwing it to the side walk and hoping that some other person, with less rush, would step over it.

Nothing made much sense right now, her words had been clear, right, but somewhere inside his head he had read an entire new meaning to them. Because if something he knew how to do better than any other man was to read her, to understand her, to know her sometimes even better than himself.

The sound of the rain over his coat was starting to stop, but his steps remained with the same pace. He walked towards a place he wished he didn’t have to be walking to, but it was his duty to be there, it was his obligation to see her one more time.

The wound was still open, and he had no idea if he was going to be able to take it after all. But he had made a promise to himself, and he had taken so much more from her before. His pace slowed down as he looked up, and he closed his fists forcefully as he took one last step.

And the church bells rang one more time.

He looked from his spot in the street the women and men walking inside, and he couldn’t identify anyone familiar, they were all dressed up in their fancy clothes and there he was; soaking wet and about to get in.

One last breath left his mouth before he got inside the church. There was almost no noise inside it and everyone was starting to sit down in their respective places. Once again he noticed no one familiar around even though his eyes travelled through the place numerous times.

He shook his head and sighed deeply, he turned around looking for the hallway door. And he found it faster than he expected to, his hand shaking all too obviously when he took the door knob to open it.

The first thing he saw was how his green olive eyes turned to him. He was dressed up for the occasion in the suit he had ironed for him, with a wine red tie that made him look younger than he really was.

"May I ask you what the bloody hell took you so long?"

He shrugged looking inside Max’s eyes, and then something must have come to Max’s senses because he lowered his tone and even tried to smile at him, but he wanted no one’s pity.

Fran appeared from the other side of the room, her dress matching her husband’s tie, and a worried grin on her face. She was as always, too nice, too kind, too good looking as she walked to him with that look on her face that made him wish he had taken a wrong turn somewhere, that made him wish he wasn’t there at all.

"You made it"

He nodded "Where’s everyone?"

She tried to smile "The kids are in the church. You didn’t see them there?"

"No. But maybe I didn’t look hard enough"

Then there was that always awkward silence when you have something to say and you can’t quite find the words to say it.

Max cleaned his throat, rising an eyebrow at Fran and pointing his watch. So she finally sighed, looking up at him in the eyes and talking as fast as she could so the wound wouldn’t hurt as much.

"Hey, now you got here after all – and it didn’t take as long as you said it was going to take you. Didn’t it? – Well we thought that maybe you could, you know, since you and her have a… well sorta a relationship – even thought we all know that there is more to this than just what meets the eye…"

"She doesn’t want to go out" Max finally cut her off; as she rolled her eyes "We were hoping that you could go in there and put some sense into her. We all tried already, even D.D" He pointed one door at the other side of the room "She’s still there"

"And you want me to put some sense into her?" he chuckled, and his laugh was all too painful to hear, maybe even a little forced "All I’ve done my entire life is try to take the sense out of her"

"Truly mate, this is hardly the time for a joke"

And then he turned serious "This is hardly a joke" His steps towards the door were slow, and so was it the way he grabbed the door knob, the way he twisted it and the way he closed it behind his steps.

Their eyes met through the mirror she was looking herself into.

He couldn’t say that his heart didn’t ache at the look of her in that dress, but he held it all in.

"What are you doing here?"

"They said you needed some help in the courage department"

"It’s not exactly you the one I wanted to see"

"Is that so?"

Her silence did all the talking.

He walked towards her, and she didn’t turn her head to look at him, instead she kept staring at the mirror, almost as if she didn’t dare to look back "I didn’t know you were having second thoughts"

"I’m not"

"Then why aren’t you out there?"

She looked at the mirror with hate, and even then he noticed that she couldn’t at all look bad, with her naked shoulders, the white dress falling down to her feet disguising her as an angel, her blond hair up in a fancy hair do and her eyes… always looking directly at him "I will go…eventually"

"You do realize that your family has no idea you’re backing out"

"I’m not…" and she stood up and turned to face him, meeting him eye to eye for the first time that night "…backing out damn it!"

"You’re right, who could ever think C.C Babcock would be such a coward"

She sighed, crossing her arms over her chest "You have no idea what you’re talking about"

"I think I do"

"No you don’t Niles; you’ve never known anything about me… or us for that matter"

"Us? Have I lost you somewhere along this conversation?"

"This can’t be called a conversation"

"You’re right; with you it’s never just a conversation"

She glared at him, and her eyes travelled to the floor, because she hated herself at that moment for not being able to think any quick remark to shut him up. He took his coat off as he ran a hand through his wet hair, and he looked at her through the corner of his eye. What did they want him to say to her? How could he be the one to take her out of the room?

"You really need to go. Fran is going to come in at any moment to see if…"

"Please Niles, hell with Nanny Fine…"

He then sat down in the chair she was when he walked in; looking at her "You really are an Ice Queen"

"What?"

"That poor lad is out there waiting for you and you’re here, talking to me"

"Don’t give yourself so much credit" and she had to hide the smile that was starting to form in her lips.

"I’m just giving myself the credit I deserve. After all I did spend half my life training you" and he smirked, rising an eyebrow.

"Raise crows and they’ll l gouge out your eyes"

He grinned "You said it, not me"

She took another chair and sat too, not too close to him, not too far away. The tired sigh that left her lips didn’t go unnoticed, and he couldn’t help to once look at her, as she closed her eyes. The white dress was quite simple, and yet something about it was really appealing, at least to him. It made her look even more desirable.

And maybe it was that she would never dress up like that to him.

"You look...different" he mumbled.

"Huh?" she asked opening her eyes.

"Nothing"

"What did you say?"

"Nothing woman, I said nothing"

"Come now" and she rolled her eyes "You’re afraid to tell me whatever it is you said"

"Bugger off"

She smiled "You were the one…"

"I said you look different! There, it isn’t such a big deal - is it?"

She swallowed "Different? How?"

"Just different, you don’t look…let’s just leave it like this okay"

She crossed her right leg over her left one, just like she used to do whenever she was condescending towards him "Tell me the truth Rubbermaid, what was your real plan?"

"I must admit that for the first time in my life I didn’t have a plan"

"Then why is it you came here…?"

"Mr. Sheffield demanded me to" her eyes travelled to his lips uncertain, and the worst part of it all was that he wasn’t lying; he was there only because he had been asked to "… I also wanted to see how the sky finally fell" he lied.

"Huh?"

"You getting married, please, not even God had that in his plans" He smirked at his joke, and she couldn’t help but to smile as well thinking in her response.

"Ironic, isn’t it?"

"What?"

"That you always make fun of my abilities of keeping men, and here we are… Me getting married before you"

He raised an eyebrow "I don’t see a ring in your finger"

He had a point.

He had a very good point.

And as her eyes travelled from her hand to his face a small smirk formed in her face "You will" she said throatily. Her hands took the dress carefully as she stood up, and maybe it was only a way of getting to him, or maybe it was what she really felt…maybe she really loved this guy. She made her way to the door, the voice of Nanny Fine, the look in Maxwell’s eyes, her mother’s face, the way her father would smile, Noel’s embrace, D.D’s jealous grin, his eyes gazing at her from the altar, all of that at one step from her. One step she was too afraid to take, but would never admit it.

"I always knew you were a chicken"

Her features changed, her muscles tensed, because she knew far too well he wasn’t talking about this, he wasn’t talking about "them", he was talking about "us" even thought he knew it was a dangerous topic.

"I’ve always been much more than what you’ve allowed yourself to see" She said not turning to face him, rising an eyebrow to herself, because she had no idea where that comment had come from.

He looked up at her and he closed his fists trying to hold back the reply he had to that, after all he was there to convince her of making the right choice, he had an entire church waiting for him to bring her out of that room… "And your point is…?"

She turned smiling "My point is that this is finally the chance I have to prove to you that I’m worth it"

He raised an eyebrow, swallowing hard and making his best effort to put a sarcastic look on his face. But she only stood there, waiting for him to make a sultry remark, those only they knew how to give one another. Instead he only stood up and walked towards her, his steps making her want to run away "I’ve known too long that you’re worth it all" he whispered, his hand taking the hair that fell into her face and putting it behind her ear, his fingers lightly brushing her cheek.

She said nothing, her eye closing at the contact.

"I loath you" he said, not taking his eyes from her figure "I loath you so much right now"

"Ditto" and she couldn’t seem to end her word, for his mouth was already on hers. Not even waiting for her to take a breath, not even waiting for her to walk away. His lips caressed hers slowly, his hand moving to her waist and pulling her closer. He didn’t expect, though, for her to answer his kiss as fast as she did, bringing her hand carefully up to his cheek, stroking it gently as a helpless moan escaped her lips. He, then, kissed her more fervently as if it was the last time they would ever kiss. It might as well have been. Her hand travelled to the back of his neck pulling him forcefully towards her, biting his lower lip, and yet doing it all so slowly.

Making him crave for more.

Making him yearn.

He parted from her mouth, pulling away, resting his forehead in hers, his hands still resting on her waist "I was supposed to get you to walk down the aisle" he whispered more to him than to her, his eyes still closed so he wouldn’t look at her wedding gown just yet. So reality wouldn’t sink so heavily.

She took a deep breath before letting go of his embrace, trying to remind herself that she had to do this, that everything she felt or had with Niles was simply a meaningless affair… but then… Why did it ache so much whenever he showed any lack of interest for her? Why did she feel a heat rising from inside of her whenever he would insult her, too close to her body? She shook her head "Yes, you were"

He then opened his eyes, looking at her "This isn’t going to work Babcock. And we both know it"

"What?" she asked, her tone turning angry.

"You and-"

"…him?" she cut him of, her steps moving her away from Niles, so he couldn’t reach her "What do you know about us? How can you say it won’t work? He treats me better than anyone has ever done before… he doesn’t back away whenever we’re about to reach something…" but he shushed her taking her wrist tight into his fist, pulling her to him and placing his index finger on her lips.

"I’m not talking about that bastard, trollop, I’m talking about…" and he hesitated before he continued "… about us"

This time her features seemed to tremble even more "What about us?"

"Everything." he made his way down to the mirror, leaving her alone standing by the door. He couldn’t face her if he was going to say whatever he was going to say "This dance we’ve been dancing for far too long, it has to end, you’ve made your choice and I won’t say a thing. I’ll stay quite and move on… just as you have"

She was quite for a few second, pulling the hair that, again, fell to her face behind her ear "That is, assuming I care" her words lingered a little over the edge of lying.

She watched him eagerly, for any sign that gave him away, any sign that told her he’d come down there to pick up the broken pieces of whatever it was they had. But he stood there, not moving, simply waiting for her to say something so he could snap back at her.

She waited a little longer, but as he didn’t say a thing she went on babbling "There was never between us but pity, hate and maybe some sort of twisted friendship… but us, Niles? What the hell are you talking about?"

And there was it.

All he needed really for her to say.

He lifted his head "So you never felt it then?" rhetorical question she answered anyway, shaking her head "You never felt temperature rising from you body whenever we danced? You never realized I’m the only men capable of leading you rightly on the dance floor? You never noticed we didn’t drink more than a couple of scotches that night?" his words sounded especially sultry in the word "that" "We weren’t as drunk as we let ourselves believe… C.C" And he turned around, taking an entire view of her body, still a little taken aback by their fierce kiss.

His steps seemed to make her frightened, and he didn’t care. This time he liked the power he had over her. Over every part of her body, of her life, he liked the kind of power his words had on changing her future, his hands didn’t quite touched her but his body weight pulled her against the door, his mouth breathing all too close her skin "You never felt chills going up your spine whenever you would imagine me doing this…" and he let his lips fall down to her shoulder lightly, and up to her ear "Tell me now you didn’t, love"

And as he assumed, she couldn’t handle another word.

"If you’re still going ahead with it, then at least let me give you one last memory, one last taste of what you’re missing" and his eyes travelled to hers, his hand caressing the pale skin of her face "God you’re beautiful"

"Don’t… don’t say that" she whispered.

"Why not? You’ll never hear me saying it again" And taking advantage of the case he kissed her again. He trapped her with his mouth, intoxicating every part of her soul, of her body. She couldn’t help the moan that escaped her mouth as his lips toyed with hers with a strength she’d forgotten he had in him. Her hands slowly travelled up to his face as his arms grabbed her waist with the animal force she once knew so well. His finger made their way through her spine and she moaned again as he bites her lower lip sensuously.

She can’t help but to close her eyes with more strength than she was doing before as he moved closer to her, pressing her body against his. Her hands moved through his chest barely touching him, and she could fell his agitated heart. His tongue pleaded for some entrance in her mouth, as it softly outlined her lips. She opened them and with her right hand pressed his face tighter to hers, at the point that it almost hurt both.

And he moaned loudly.

His lips suddenly left her mouth, moving down her jaw line to her neck, licking it in her tender spots; the ones he knew by heart, nibbling in her ear, his tongue playing with her body just as he knew how to.

A chill ran down her spine a she went slowly back to her mouth, still kissing her with the same passion, moving his lips and making her think she was going to come right there, in between his arms.

She could feel the electricity all over her body, in every spot he touched, in every spot he kissed. Heat going up and down her hands, as they traveled through his own body uncontrollably; and it was that when they kissed each other they both lost it.

She kissed him back with every emotion she’d be holding back since she left.

They both knew they shouldn’t be doing this, and that was one of the reasons why it felt so good, in every sense of the word.

She broke the kiss to part for air as her hands take his jacket off in a well missed routine. A crocked smile formed on his lips. She quickly went back to work, kissing his neck and slowly longing in the parts she knew drove him crazy; whispering stupid nonsense.

And he moaned, this time his moan is slow and short, cut up by the need of breathing.

His eyes closed in anticipation as her hands reached for his belt, but Niles grabbed her by her wrists and pulled them back to the door, pressing his body even harder over hers, slowing down the pace of his kisses. It started tenderly and it ended tenderly, savoring every moment, and her breathing was again agitated.

To feel him against her once more.

To feel his smell filling her nostrils.

To feel his hands against her stomach.

And they had to part for air.

She opened her eyes slowly and noticed he was staring back at her; out of breath.

"God you’re beautiful" he murmured again never taking his eyes of Babcock’s.

Now he let her go, her arms fell to her sides limply, and she had no idea what to do with herself. He picked up his jacket from the floor and put it back on, cleaning unexciting dust from it. And he walked pass her, taking the door knob with his hand.

"It’s better that you don’t take much longer in going out or they’ll start wondering" and he paused because he was still short of breath "And you don’t want them wondering, do you?"

He couldn’t see her, but he knew she was nodding.

He still waited a while longer, just a few seconds. Maybe hoping she’d stop him, she’d tell him to wait there and kiss him back, she’s tell him she wasn’t going to go through with it.

Instead, only silence.

So he opened the door and closed it behind him, leaving her alone inside huge room, tears threatening to go out of her eyes. He looked up; Max and Fran met his stare with expectation. He simply nodded, but neither sighed with relief as he thought they were going to… they only looked at him, with some sort of twisted pity. He almost gave in to yelling at them, but what worth had it really? He wasn’t angry at Max or Fran, he was angry at her, at himself. At them both.

They all heard the sound of the door once more, turning around to see if she was coming out after all. She appeared with the bouquet in her hands, her eyes looking ahead, passing through Niles, Max finally Nanny Fine and then the hallway.

Maxwell cleaned his throat, and then smiled "We’re going to tell everyone the ceremony’s going to get started" he said, taking his wife’s arm and dragging her out of there for good, against the need she had to stay there and witness the outburst.

But there was no outburst, really.

She simply walked pass him.

He smelt her sense of Channel N°5, inhaling deeply as she went by. Sighing then when she reached the doorway to walk in the hall. But his heart skipped when she stopped in her tracks. And a million thoughts went thought his head, waiting for her to make any move that would tell him she change her mind.

But she looked emotionless.

Finally she lifted her head, turning to him.

"You were right" she whispered, serious enough.

"About what?"

She waited, before answering.

"I am a coward"

And she smiled.

And he smiled back.

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