| season three | ||
| new!! | 3.1 The Pen Pal | Max: Where is Miss Fine anyway? Niles: Oh she's upstairs getting "farpitzed". Max: What does that mean? Niles: You know, dressed. Max: I thought that was "farblandzhet". Niles: No sir, that means 'confused'. Max: No man, thats "farcached". Nlies: Then what's "verschimmelt"? Max: I think that's her uncle. |
| 3.1 The Pen Pal | Max: (referring to Lenny) Do you think he still has all his hair? Niles: Oh no, sir. You're the fairest of them all. | |
| 3.2 Franny and The Professor | Max: So, did you have a nice evening? Fran: I tell you, it was a beautiful wedding. Val and I cried our eyes out. She made some gorgeous bride that Dr. Quinn. | |
| 3.2 Franny and The Professor | C.C.: I paid $200,000 for that stallion! Niles: I hope he paid for the room. | |
| 3.3 Dope Diamond | Max: Hurry up, Miss Fine. (In a sing-songy voice) You're not getting
any younger. Fran: (Sing songy) I'm not the one that looks like Lily Munster. | |
| 3.3 Dope Diamond | Max: C.C., do you believe in love at first sight? C.C.: Yes! (almost throwing herself over the desk) Why? Max: Miss Fine... C.C.: No! Why? Max: She met a gentleman. C.C.: (running towards Maxīs chair) I mean, yes, yes... | |
| 3.3 Dope Diamond | Sylvia: Where is she? Where's my baby? I rushed over as soon as they finished my hair! | |
| 3.3 Dope Diamond | Fran: I came 'cause my mother has an obsession with me getting married. Sylvia: I came 'cause my daughter has a delusion that I have an obsession. Yetta: I came because they brought me and I don't know to get home from here. | |
| 3.3 Dope Diamond | Yetta: That's right cookie, it's payback time. | |
| 3.3 Dope Diamond | Maxwell: Trust me, Miss Fine. If I found a woman that loved my children, could make me laugh and I found attractive, I'd never let her get away. (His hand gets stuck in her hair.) Fran: Hang on a second, we're stuck on each other. | |
| 3.4 A Fine Family Feud | Niles: Did you pick up Miss Margaretīs present from Mr. Sheffield? C.C.: No. I spent the entire day driving around Greenwich Conneticut looking for that damn jewelery store. Niles: Oh, did I say "Greenwich Conneticut"? I meant Greenwich Village. C.C.: Thatīs ten minutes away, you boob! Niles: Then youīd better hurry before they close. C.C.:Thatīs ridiculous, I donīt why that stupid store doesnīt deliver. (she leaves the house) Niles: (looking at the present which was in his pocket) Oh, they do. I wonder if I can catch her (walks very slowly towards the door, opens it, and in a very low voice says) Miss Babcock, oh, Miss Baabcoock. | |
| 3.4 A Fine Family Feud | Fran: Oh Ma, you're just saying that to try to make me feel guilty. Sylvia: I'm not trying to make you feel anything. Feel this, is this a lump here? | |
| 3.5 Val's Apartment | Fran: Gracie, that whining is so annoying. Where did you pick that up? | |
| 3.5 Val's Apartment | Fran: Meanwhile, I'm not the one sitting home on a Saturday night with his hand glued to his brontosaurus. Max: Just tell me how to get it off! Fran: Try blowing in his ear. | |
| 3.5 Val's Apartment | Val: Oh my God!! A roach, a roach! Fran: Well take your shoe off and kill it. (Val takes her shoe off and smashes it with her bare foot.) | |
| 3.6 Shopaholic | Max: Listen, everyone. Miss Fine will be back from her Shoppers Anonymous
meeting any second. So letīs have no more talk of shopping, OK? Fran: Hi, everyone! Max: (looking at his plate) Oh, Niles, thatīs far too much. Take half off. Oh! Fran: Oh, no, no, thatīs OK. I donīt want anybody walking on eggshells around me. If I begin to falter, I just say my little prayer: "God, give me the serenity to accept the things that I cannot exchange...eh, change!" | |
| 3.6 Shopaholic | Fran: I mean, the years are passing me by: 27, 28, 29, 29, 29... | |
| 3.7 Oh Vey, You're Gay | (ringing phone) Niles: It might be that fabulous man you were telling your mother about. Fran: No, he wouldn't call. Niles: Why not? Fran: I made him up! | |
| 3.7 Oh Vey, You're Gay | Sydney: I just assumed, you're over 30, never been married and there's no man in your life. Fran: Oh honey, I'm not gay - I'm just pathetic! | |
| 3.7 Oh Vey, You're Gay | (Max and Fran are trapped in an elevator in pitch black.) Max: It's gonna' be okay, Miss Fine. What are you doing? Fran: I'm looking for the emergency phone! Max: That's... not... it... Fran: Oh. Well then, I'd better stop talking into it. | |
| 3.8 The Party's Over | Dance Partner: You might not believe this.... but this hair is all from a can. | |
| 3.8 The Party's Over | [re: a pair of handcuffs] Fran: He was a cop! I got arrested last night!
Niles: Really? I was a pirate. I had to walk to plank. | |
| 3.8 The Party's Over | (Franīs uncle, the attorney, enters the courtroom) Franīs uncle: Hold it, hold it. I object, I object! Judge: You object to what? Franīs uncle: To those electric doors in the menīs room. Judge: Thatīs the elevator. Franīs uncle: Use the stairs. | |
| 3.9 The Two Mrs. Sheffields | (Maxwellīs mother wants the tulips Franīs holding) Maxīs mother: I had my eye on those. Fran: Well, I had my eye in Antonio Banderas but I ainīt taking him home either. | |
| 3.9 The Two Mrs. Sheffields | (Talking about Maxīs mother) Niles: Shall I poison them at supper, sir? Max: Niles! Itīs two hours away... | |
| 3.9 The Two Mrs. Sheffields | Elizabeth: Maxwell, do do up your shirt, I can't distinguish you from the servants. Max: Oh, that's easy. I'm the one who's actually working. Fran: Ahahaha. Oh, that's a good one. I can't wait to tell Niles when he comes back from the track. | |
| 3.9 The Two Mrs. Sheffields |
Max: (explaining to Niles why he believes Fran has a crush on him):
Oh, come on man.Wouldn't you? Niles: Yes, well, you've always been the sunshine of my life. | |
| 3.9 The Two Mrs. Sheffields | Fran: Val, I canīt marry someone under false pretences!
Val: You canīt? Gee! You think you know a person... | |
| 3.9 The Two Mrs. Sheffields | Fran: Oh Mr. Sheffield! You wanna play that game? OK! You're the boss and I'm the nanny, you give me a raise and I'll give you one! | |
| 3.10 Having His Baby | Niles: Miss Fine, you still have plenty of time to have children. Fran: Meanwhile, thereīs an expiration date stamped on my eggs: "Best if used before you start looking like your mother". | |
| 3.10 Having His Baby | Val: Fran, you know Iīll support whatever you decide, but donīt you think
people would be a little shocked if you just showed up pregnant? Fran: Yeah...theyīd think I had a date. | |
| 3.10 Having His Baby | C.C.: Listen, Hazel (laughs) Donīt you have anything to dust off? Niles: How about the left side of your bed? | |
| 3.14 Fashion Show | C.C.: The charity is very trendy! Valerie Bertinelli did the movie of the week. I didn't see it though, I had a date. Niles: Well then, it was a big night for charity all around. | |
| new!! | 3.14 Fashion Show | C.C.: Maxwell, the entire Broadway community will be there and we'll have costumes by Oscar de la Yenta! |
| 3.14 Fashion Show | Max (re: C.C.): Look I'll admit it was a mistake hiring her, but I won't question my motivation. History is full of relationships between men and women that have nothing to do with sexual attraction. Like.... C.C.: Uh-huh? Max: Ummm... C.C.: Uh-huh. Max: Um... C.C.: Uh-huh. Max: Us! | |
| 3.16 The Grandmas | Fran: Me and Mr. Sheffield aren't even close to unscrewing. In fact, I think we're beginning to bore each other. Sylvia: That's normal in a marriage. Fran: But me and Mr. Sheffield aren't married. Sylvia: Are you living with him? Fran: Yeah. Sylvia: Are you taking care of his kids? Fran: Yeah. Sylvia: Are you having sex? Fran: No! Sylvia: Then you're married! | |
| 3.17 Val's Boyfriend | Niles (to Max): I'm sorry Sir, I just got so excited. I mean when she said...., then you said...., and when she said "I quit," I just wanted to roll over, light up, and watch Letterman. | |
| 3.18 Love Is A Many Blundered Thing | C.C.: (To Niles) Listen, Flavio...I wanna be alone with Maxwell tonight. Whatīs it gonna cost me to make you disappear? Niles: Try fifty bucks. C.C.: Done! Niles: (standing in the same place) No, didnīt work, Iīm still here. | |
| 3.19 Your Feet's Are Too Big | Fran: (to Grace) Lets put it this way... when your 20, I'll be 40. When your 30, I'll be 40, and when your 40, you'll understand why I'm still 40! | |
| 3.19 Your Feet's Are Too Big | Max: Well how about calling a bloody plumber to find out what is clogging it. Niles: What do you think is clogging it, Sir? Just off the top of your head. | |
| new!! | 3.20 Where's The Pearls? | Fran: Boys, boys, boys, now do you think my mother gave birth to a dummy 25 years ago? |
| new!! | 3.20 Where's The Pearls? | Fran: I think everything worked out just the way I always thought it would. I'm married to a great looking guy and I have three gorgeous children. Yetta: Oh, honey, you got hit on the head, you're a little confused. The two big ones are from a previous marriage. |
| 3.20 Where's The Pearls? | Max: Happy tenth anniversary darling! | |
| 3.21 The Hockey Show | Fran: That's it, I just gave up on men! I don't care if I ever get married! Meanwhile, my mother just had an urge to jump out the window and she doesn't know why. | |
| 3.22 That's Midlife | Fran: Ma, you're on a diet. Sylvia: You can tell already? Fran: Your can gave it away. Sylvia: Oh thank you! You just add some powder, some non fat milk, and ice cream. Fran: Ice Cubes Ma! Sylvia: The ice cream gives a little body. Fran: No, it doesn't! | |
| 3.24 Green Card | Niles (to Max): You're a brick. . . house. Mighty mighty. | |
| 3.24 Green Card | Philippe: Hello Ca-Ca. C.C.: (looks at Philippe wide-eyed) What? Philippe: Is that not what C.C. stands for? This is what the butler told me? | |
| 3.24 Green Card | Niles: Did CaCa do a no-no in the kitchen? Now she's going to have to clean it up! | |
| 3.24 Green Card | Max: Miss Fine, your French fiancé Philippe's a philanderer. Fran: Wow, try saying that five times fast. | |
| 3.24 Green Card | C.C.: Tell her how you said my skin was like white chocolate. Fran: Oh my God, you called me your Reese's Piece! | |
| 3.24 Green Card | Niles: Cheers, Ca-Ca | |
| 3.25 Ship Of Fran's | Fran: We're desert people, we don't like to get wet. That's why we parted the Red Sea. | |
| 3.25 Ship Of Fran's | Max: Now, now, children, Miss Fine is on vacation. Let's not bother her. Maggie: Dad, you just dragged us halfway around the ship looking for her. Max: To...tell her we're not going to bother her! | |
| 3.25 Ship Of Fran's | C.C.: Come on, you still have two chips left. Go for it. Papa needs a new pair of oven mitts. | |
| 3.26 Pup In Paris | Brighton: You know, Fran, I don't wanna say anything here, but I think this dog is dead. Fran: Oh, calm down, he's not dead, he's just sleeping. Yetta: I get that all the time. | |
| 3.26 Pup In Paris | Maxwell: Miss Fine, what on earth are you doing here? Fran: Well, you accidentally took the wrong bag I gave you. | |
| 3.26 Pup In Paris | Maggie: Uh, Yetta, I'm doing a book report, and they're out of it at Blockbuster, and well, I was wondering how much do you know about the Titanic? Yetta: Oooh, top of the line, they had a midnight buffet on deck, and the ice sculpture....HUGE!! | |
| 3.26 Pup In Paris | Max: Miss Fine, were you just going to sit there and let me take my clothes off? Fran: Well, I didn't want to spoil my stay in Paris either. | |
| 3.26 Pup In Paris | Max: This is my nanny. She takes care of my children. Nigel: Oh you brought them with you then. Where are they? Fran: Uh.. Max: They're... um... in New York. Nigel: Oh, I get it, Nanny. Spank, Spank. Maxwell: No, Nigel, you do not get it at all. I can assure you this woman is not involved with me. Or anyone else, for that matter. Fran: Go to the window, I don't think Brussels heard you! | |
| 3.26 Pup In Paris | Nigel: Oh, here comes the lecture. You know, if you put a martini in one hand and Father's jewels in the other, you could be Mother. | |
| 3.26 Pup In Paris | C.C.: Niles...where's Maxwell? I've been trying to reach his room all day! Niles: Oh...well try Nanny Fine's room. It's 4592. C.C.: 4592 is Maxwell's room. Niles: I know. Isn't that funny? Funny, funny, funny! | |
| new!! | 3.26 Pup In Paris | Fran: (on the plane after some turbulence) What the hell was that? Max: Oh just a little bump in the road. Fran: What'd we hit a deer? We're in the air!! |
| 3.26 Pup In Paris | Fran: I'm finally flying first-class with a handsome millionaire--- of course the plane would go down--- what else? | |
| 3.26 Pup In Paris | Fran: Oh Mr. Sheffield, I just wanted you to know that these last three years have been just the best years of my life. Max: Oh God--my children! Oh, they adored you Miss. Fine. Fran: Ya know, now would be a good time to call me Fran. Max: (after lots more turbulence in the plane) I love you. | |
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