| season four | ||
| 4.1 The Tart With Heart | Fran (to Maxwell): You blurted prematurely?? | |
| new!! | 4.1 The Tart With Heart | C.C.: Maxwell, what an ordeal this flight was. I can't imagine anything more terrifying. Niles (holding up a polished mirrored plate in front of her): Booga booga booga! |
| new!! | 4.1 The Tart With Heart | Max: Niles, I want you to order some flowers for Miss Fine. Make it two dozen sterling roses, long stemmed. Niles: O-o-o! Somebody was so-o very bad!! |
| 4.1 The Tart With Heart | Sylvia: What's with the women's lib all of a sudden? When did you become Gloria Estefan? Fran: That's Gloria Steinbrenner, Ma. | |
| 4.2 The Cradle Robbers | C.C: Uh, I just could not get out of bed this morning. Niles: Ooh, someone leave a big rock on your coffin again? | |
| 4.2 The Cradle Robbers | (Max has gone deaf in his left ear) Max: All I want to hear is that Margaret is never seeing that boy again. Fran: Fine that's exactly what you're going to hear... (moves to his left side) ...They call him Flipper, Flipper faster that lightning, no one you see is smarter than he...... Max:Well go on. Fran: and you know Flipper lives in a world full of wonder, flying there under, under the sea.... (moves to his right side) ....and then she'll dump him. | |
| 4.4 The Rosie Show | Fran: Mr. Sheffield, you're not upset that I'm going to be working two jobs? Max: Two jobs? What's the other one? Oh, here. | |
| 4.4 The Rosie Show | (Yetta describing her dream about Max) Yetta: You were gonna come home from work, kiss a perky brunette at the door, and take a terrible fall over the ottoman. Sylvia: Ma, that was the opening of The Dick Van Dyke Show. Yetta: I'm telling you, it was in this very house (walks over to Brighton). Look here's Richie. (Looks in a mirror) And there's Millie!! (For those who don't know, Ann Guilbert who plays Yetta, was Millie on the Dick Van Dyke Show) | |
| 4.4 The Rosie Show | Max: Miss Fine, what are you doing here? Fran: Well, I heard moaning and screaming coming from your room and I figured... I should be part of it! | |
| 4.5 Frieda Needa Man | C.C.: In my day, two people got to know each other first. Niles: In your day, there only were two people. | |
| 4.6 Me and Mrs. Joan | Fran: You're married? Joan: Uhmmm. Fran: (Slapping Maxwell with each word) Isn't - that - delightful! | |
| 4.6 Me and Mrs. Joan | Joan: Where did you get the exquisite shrimp? Yetta: I came with her. Joan: No.... I meant the crustacean. Yetta: Oh... she's my daughter. | |
| 4.6 Me and Mrs. Joan | Max: Well, maybe I should just face the fact that my father fell in love with his secretary, Fran: and your sister fell in love with her chauffeur, Max: and my grandfather married his maid. Fran: No sense breaking tradition. Max: None that I can see! | |
| 4.8 An Affair To Dismember | Val: My heart bleeds for you... There are 2 words on my list: 'Don't, Jump.' | |
| 4.8 An Affair To Dismember | Fran: What? Are you caught in a butler trap? Gnaw your foot off and get moving. | |
| 4.8 An Affair To Dismember | Val: In my heart I know there is no one more perfect for you than Maxwell Sheffield. Fran: Not him, the brother. Val: Better--younger, no kids!! | |
| 4.8 An Affair To Dismember | Fran: C'mon, what made him finally marry you? Sylvia: Your sister, all right? | |
| 4.8 An Affair To Dismember | Max: Don't you worry Miss Fine, I've got you. Fran: Boy do you ever. | |
| 4.9 Tattoo | Fran: Honey, as long as I'm living under your roof, you'll do as I say! | |
| 4.9 Tattoo | Niles: Would you like some more Sylvia? Sylvia: What? Did we just meet? | |
| 4.9 Tattoo | Val: How can you stand there like that with the door wide open? Mr. Sheffield could walk by and see you. Fran: Not if you don't move Val. | |
| 4.9 Tattoo | Fran: Doctor, we're here to find out what you can do about this.....? (Showing the doctor her backside) Doctor: Uh oh, this is much more serious than I imagined. This thing is cracked! | |
| 4.9 Tattoo | Max: (thinking to himself) What am I doing? This is a test, isn't it? Yeah! You wanted to see if I could control myself! Well, I'll prove something to you once and for all - I can't!!! | |
| 4.10 The Car Show | C.C.: With Roslyn Kind singing and her sister, Barbra Streisand, hosting the event --- which is not why we hired you. Roslyn: Well, I haven't exactly gotten around to calling Barbra yet. Max/C.C.: Why? Roslyn: Well, she hasn't given me her new number. | |
| 4.10 The Car Show | Fran: Barbra? Roslyn: Barbra's sister. Fran: Close enough, same DNA. | |
| 4.10 The Car Show | Fran (to Roslyn Kind): Tell me where Barbra lives and no one gets hurt. | |
| 4.10 The Car Show | Fran: But in this country when a girl turns 17 she gets herself a car. Unless you come from my neighborhood, then its a car or a nose job. (Max looks at her weird) I got the car! | |
| 4.10 The Car Show | Max: Oh Miss Fine, it's not your fault. Sometimes horrible accidents happen. Niles (pointing at C.C.): Exhibit A. Fran: I'm going to make my platform animal rights. I'm going to speak out for all the little creatures that no one cares about. Niles (pointing at C.C.): Exhibit B! | |
| 4.10 The Car Show | Max: Miss Fine, your hair is looking particularly big tonight! Fran: Well, yours would too, if you had a camcorder hidden in it! | |
| 4.10 The Car Show | Fran: Did you know how he felt about me? Niles: Did I know? For 4 years now, I have been hinting to you, I have been hinting to him, I have been hinting him to hint to you. Why do you think I don't have enough time to make paté? | |
| 4.10 The Car Show | Fran: I know that you pretended to be sick to get me to drive. I tell you it is just so adorable how you can't really express the way you feel. Like all the times that you yell and scream at me, when in reality, you wanna hug me. Max: Well... Fran: And all those times that you fired me, when in reality you wanna kiss me. Max: All right... Fran: When you told me you loved me and you took it back, when in reality... Max: No, actually, that I meant. Fran: I hate you. Max: No you don't. You really want to hug me. Fran: Okay I'm busted! | |
| 4.11 Hurricane Fran | Maggie: Guys come up with the lamest excuses. Fran: Oh yeah, like when you told me you had that whisker burn all over your face from kissing my mother 'Hello!' Maggie: Fran, that really happened. Fran: I'll give you that one. | |
| 4.11 Hurricane Fran | Niles: Whoa Nellie, don't you know that it is terribly impolite to listen in on other people's conversations? C.C.: This from the man who posed for the RCA Dog. Now let go of me, I don't want to miss this. Niles: But be careful, I just... (C.C. screams) ...waxed the floor. | |
| 4.11 Hurricane Fran | Val: Sun, oh sun! (Everything calms down and the sun comes out for 2 seconds. Fran and Val start sunbathing, then the sun goes in and the wind is blowing.) Fran: Did I get anything?? | |
| 4.11 Hurricane Fran | Fran: The roof's going to cave in. We're going to die!!! Val: Shouldn't our lives be flashing before our eyes? Fran: Val, we're over 30, single, and in bed with each other, what life!! | |
| 4.11 Hurricane Fran | Fran: Niles, I got you invited to Greece, why can't you just relax and enjoy it? Niles: I'm sorry, but I can't help feeling I left something on in the kitchen. (C.C. is spinning in a wheel chair in the kitchen.) | |
| 4.12 Danny's Dead and Who's Got The Will | Niles: Better get it while you can, I may have met someone and moved on by then --- Welcome to the windmills of my mind. | |
| 4.12 Danny's Dead and Who's Got The Will | Grandma Eloise: C.C., you're always so beautiful, I don't understand, are you single by choice? Niles: Yes, but not hers. | |
| 4.12 Danny's Dead and Who's Got The Will | Niles: Did you just say, that you told Miss Fine that you loved her, and then you took it back?!!! That's it isn't it? That's 'The Thing'. I could just kick you in the seat of the pants! | |
| 4.12 Danny's Dead and Who's Got The Will | Max: I didn't do anything to her! Niles: Bet you wish you did now! | |
| 4.12 Danny's Dead and Who's Got The Will | Fran: Oh great, so I have to wait until you're dead before everybody can know how you feel about me? Max: Ah, but then I can never take it back! | |
| 4.12 Danny's Dead and Who's Got The Will | (Heather watching Maxwell) Heather: Who is that? Fran: He's gay! (Maxwell watching Heather) Fran: She's gay! | |
| 4.13 Kissing Cousins | Maxwell: Do you, love him Miss Fine? Fran: Don't be ridiculous. It took me three years to fall in love with you--hoos chocolate flavored beverage, moving on! | |
| 4.14 The Fifth Wheel | Fran: Ma, you're eating butter right from the tub. Sylvia: It's the bread that that puts the weight on. It's my new diet. See, ice cream, no cone. Cheese cake, no crust. Fran: Stick, no dove bar. | |
| 4.14 The Fifth Wheel | Niles: I can't believe you told your mother you were giving up men! What did she do? Fran: Well, she tried to swallow an entire rotisserie chicken in her mouth like a python. | |
| 4.14 The Fifth Wheel | Gracie: Niles, can you get me a drink? Niles: Happy hour doesn't start 'till you go home. (to Maxwell) See it just doesn't work with her! | |
| 4.15 The Nose Knows | Max (knocking on Fran's bedroom door): Miss Fine, are you decent? Fran: Yeah, but I can get indecent in a second. | |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | Max: We wake up in bed together, you misinterpret it. We end up naked in the jacuzzi, you misinterpret it. Then just because I asked you to marry me..... oh, do shut up you blithering British moron! | |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | Fran: (On hearing that Yetta is marrying a man she just met): Why? You
pregnant? Yetta: I don't think so. But I'm really late. | |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | Sylvia: He's not wearing a ring. Fran: Ma, he's a thief. Sylvia: Who's gonna be worth millions in a matter of minutes. | |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | C.C.: Oooops, I'm dating myself. Niles: Dating yourself? How pathetic. Even you can do better than you. | |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | Niles: The next time you give your old clothes away, why don't you just stay in them. | |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | Yetta: Something terrible happened! I just heard it on the news. (stops to think) Max: What happened? Yetta:Wait a minute, I lost it. Grace: Don't worry, Yetta. you told me in case you forgot...(Grace tells them about Fran and Sylvia being held hostage) Yetta: (shocked) Oh! This is how you break bad news to an old woman?!! | |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | (Maggie and Brighton return from school) Yetta: (whispers to Maggie & B): I don't want to upset your sister, so don't say anything about Fran and Sylvia being held hostage in the bank. Maggie: Oh, my God, that's awful! Are they OK? Yetta: (realizing her mistake): Let's start over. (whispers to Grace) I don't want to upset your sister, so don't say.... | |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | Max: That's no megaphone, that's my nanny! | |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | Maxwell: Niles, may I confess something to you? Niles: Well, I'm not a priest sir, but I'm this close to living the life of one... | |
| new!! | 4.16 The Bank Robbery | Maxwell: Miss Fine!! Are you all right? Fran: Oh Mr. Sheffield... I'm not talkin to you. |
| 4.16 The Bank Robbery | Max: Miss Fine, I'm not sorry I told you I love you. | |
| 4.17 Samson He Denied Her | Juror: So, you like a sensitive guy? C.C.: Yes... I used to be one. | |
| 4.17 Samson He Denied Her | C.C.: I am the meat in an idiot sandwich. | |
| 4.18 The Facts Of Lice | Grace: Fran, my head is so itchy. I think I`m allergic to this hat. Fran: Oh, sweety I hope not. I mean it is so adorable. Oh you know what, maybe you are allergic to it. | |
| 4.19 Fran's Roots | Fran: A woman just called and said that Ma may not be my real mother! Max: So, are we happy or sad? Fran: We're thinking. | |
| 4.19 Fran's Roots | Max: (hugging Fran) I'm sure everything is going to turn out just fine. (Max walks out the front door) Fran: (thinking to herself) Well, well, well. I'm getting a different mother, and suddenly he can't keep his hands off me. Coincidence? I think not. | |
| new!! | 4.19 Fran's Roots | Fran: Ya know, it is just so obvious why you stopped me. Cop: Yeah? Why is that Miss Fine? Fran: Because I'm black. |
| 4.20 The Nanny and The Hunk Producer | Max: You, how can you hurt someone like this? How can you destroy someone's reputation? Fran: Yeah, 40? | |
| 4.20 The Nanny and The Hunk Producer | Fran: Are you telling me that the hunk producer and the naughty nanny didn't fly off the stands? Reporter: Stinko, a bomb, we were embarrassed, we're going back to Princess Di, she sells beautifully. Max: I don't understand why no one wanted to read about us. Fran: Oh you don't know how to market us, that's your problem mister. You gotta appeal to the younger demographic...(to Max) It was the 40 that killed us. | |
| 4.20 The Nanny and The Hunk Producer | (Fran and Max are kissing) Max: Is he looking at us? Fran: Oh yeah. (reporter turns off lights) Max: Miss Fine, he just turned off the lights. Fran: He's developing the film! | |
| 4.21 The Passed Over Story | Max: Miss Fine, let me ask you something. If Barbra Streisand and your mother were both drowning, who would you save? Fran: I'd save my mother, Barbra can walk on water. | |
| 4.21 The Passed-Over Story | Niles: Sylvia has invited us over for the Jewish holiday. Max: Now is this the holiday Miss Fine said: 'You can't eat all day then stuff yourself, or the one where you light candles then stuff yourself, or the one where you build a straw hut then stuff yourself?' Niles: I believe it's the one where you hide crackers from small children, then stuff yourself. Max: Ahh. Passover. | |
| 4.21 The Passed-Over Story | C.C.: Aren't you embarrassed about being a butler? Niles: I don't know Morgan Faulkner. C.C.: No, I mean in general. | |
| 4.21 The Passed-Over Story | Morgan: Don't tell me you're Mrs. Sheffield. Fran: Well, let's just say we don't need to sign a piece of paper, but the kids adore me, I live here, you fill in the blanks. Morgan: So you're the nanny? Fran: And the blanks are filled. | |
| 4.21 The Passed-Over Story | Niles: He's with Miss Fancy-Smancy movie star bigshot. Fran: Ya know, this is getting scary. Quick, eat a piece of ham, play a sport! | |
| 4.21 The Passed-Over Story | Niles: You know, for dessert at your mothers Passover, I thought I'd bring over some nice fresh fruit. Fran: You're gonna slide a cheesecake under that aren't ya? | |
| 4.21 The Passed-Over Story | Fran: Got guilt? | |
| 4.21 The Passed-Over Story | Fran: Could you please tell this guy I am not a hooker? | |
| 4.21 The Passed-Over Story | Fran: Why do ya think we wandered the desert for 40 years? We were walking off the meal. | |
| 4.22 No Muse Is Good Muse | Niles: Why is everyone picking on me all of a sudden? Max: We're just jealous... of your 'sensual energy'. Niles: Is nothing sacred in this house? Max: Well that's good, coming from the captain of the Starship Yentaprise. | |
| 4.23 You Bette Your Life | Fran: I have a saying too. Mess with the nanny....please! | |
| 4.25 The Boca Story | Fran: Achoo. Oh God my allergies are so bad today, listen how stuffed up I sound. Maggie: How can you tell? | |
| 4.25 The Boca Story | Yetta: See that guy in the front row? Fran: Yeah. Yetta: I bet he has great hands. Fran: Yetta! Yetta: What?! One of us has to be able to open the pickle jar. | |
| 4.25 The Boca Story | Fran: (soothing Max after she wakes him from a sound sleep) Oh, were you having a nightmare? Max: I think so. I was dreaming that I was sleeping in my bed, and this incredibly sexy woman came in, and bloody ke me up!!! Fran: You think I look incredibly sexy? | |
| 4.25 The Boca Story | Max: Why do you feel you can't sleep? What are you feeling? Fran: I'm feeling frustrated and I don't know why. Max: When do you think this started? Fran: Four years ago. The insomnia kicked in tonight. | |
| 4.25 The Boca Story | Max: The entire family is going to Florida for the weekend. Fran: Florida sucks! | |
| 4.25 The Boca Story | Max: Miss Fine, do you really think that sundae can replace your mother's love? Fran: No, (adds a cherry) now it can. | |
| 4.25 The Boca Story | Fran (crying) Oh I don't care, I'm not going. (to Florida) Max: Oh Miss Fine, I understand. Well, we'll be back Monday morning after I've finished judging the Miss Universe Contest. Fran: Maybe it would be better for me to be around people. | |
| 4.25 The Boca Story | Fran: We'll get her deposit back, and as soon as possible she'll put another down payment on a condo in Boca, as soon as possible. Did I say that twice? | |
| 4.25 The Boca Story | Max: Where are the children? Fran: I should know that, shouldn't I? | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | Brighton: You know, explain to me why I need a baby sitter. I am old enough to fly a chopper in the Israeli army! | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | (Niles walks in with black hair) Niles: (to C.C.) What? C.C.: Smart, doing it gradually so no one would notice... Niles: Same way you became a woman. | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | Max: Well of course I want you! You're a very sexy, beautiful woman! | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | Fran: Look Mr. Sheffield, ya know I always thought that we were gonna end up together, but if it ain't gonna happen now, it ain't gonna happen. | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | Max: I didn't say it'll never happen. Fran: Well, I think my chances are only going to decrease as I slowly morph into Yetta. | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | C.C.: There I was waiting for a zinger, and nothing. I even set him up again, I said, don't make me get ugly! | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | C.C.: Oh I killed him, it's all my fault. Oh don't leave me. Woman: Hector, who is she?? | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | Max: So Doctor, is he comfortable? Doctor: He's on 10 mg of morphine. Fran: Oooh, he's Cheech and Chong comfortable. | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | Gracie: I'm done with the toilets, (pointing the toilet brush at Max) and I'm never having boys! | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | C.C.: When you really get to know me, I'm not a well person. Fran: I know... | |
| 4.26 Fran's Gotta Have It | C.C.: And look, you're being so sweet, I really should find a way to repay you, but I won't. It's just not who I am. | |
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