| season six | ||
| 6.1 The Honeymoon's Overboard | Fran: Take it easy, I'm wearing my slipper pumps. Max: How on earth did you manage to hold on to those? Fran: They cost a fortune, I clenched! | |
| 6.1 The Honeymoon's Overboard | Brighton: Hey come on. Look they're gonna find them and they're gonna bring them home. Now until then, I'm the man of the house and I'm in charge. Now Niles, (suddenly whimpering) what'll we do if Mommy and Daddy don't come home? | |
| 6.1 The Honeymoon's Overboard | Fran: Okay, I'll find your little twigs. Boy, I never worked this hard for him when I worked for him! | |
| 6.1 The Honeymoon's Overboard | Max: Something bit me! Fran: Sorry. | |
| 6.1 The Honeymoon's Overboard | Niles: Oh Miss Babcock, please. If just wishing could make someone dead then.... do I really need to complete the thought? | |
| 6.2 Fran Gets Shushed | Fran: Oh Sweety, do you realize how long I have waited for this moment? Making love to my husband, in my house, in my bedroom, in my twenties. [Max looks at her funny and laughs] | |
| 6.2 Fran Gets Shushed | Max: Where are you going? Fran: I'm going home to my mother! Max: Why don't you just wait till breakfast? She'll be here. | |
| 6.2 Fran Gets Shushed | Sylvia.: I have a gun! Fran: It's me, and that's a lamb chop. Now give it to me before someone gets hurt. | |
| 6.2 Fran Gets Shushed | Max: Do you think I'm uptight? Niles: Nope. Max: I won't fire you. Niles: Yep. | |
| 6.2 Fran Gets Shushed | Maggie: You want me to go over to his apartment? Fran: Can I trust you at his apartment? Maggie: Well, you raised me. Fran: You're going to her house. (Val's) | |
| 6.2 Fran Gets Shushed | C.C. and Fran: Where are you going all dressed up? I have a business dinner with Max! Fran: Didn't you assume that he was going to be taking his wife along? C.C.: Well that'd be pretty hard considering she's dead. Oh, you meant you. | |
| 6.3 Once a Secretary, Always a Secretary | Max: (to Brighton) No, no, no, no, NO! Fran: Oh boy, I've heard that before. What did ya do, ask him to marry you? | |
| 6.3 Once a Secretary, Always a Secretary | Fran: When did you start smoking again? C.C.: Somewhere between "I" and "Do." | |
| 6.3 Once a Secretary, Always a Secretary | C.C.: Oh you poor woman! For a husband to treat his wife that way, you see, that's why I never got married. Niles: Yeah, that's why. | |
| 6.3 Once a Secretary, Always a Secretary | Sylvia: Harry Winston earrings? I see denying your husband worked out beautifully. Fran: Oh Ma, of all the times that I ignored your advice, this was the best time I ever had. | |
| 6.3 Once a Secretary, Always a Secretary | Sylvia: Why couldn't ya hold out like I do? Fran: Because my husband looks like James Bond and your husband looks like James Coco. Sylvia: James Coco? I wish. | |
| 6.3 Once a Secretary, Always a Secretary | Max: Now Grace, we can't keep running off to Fran for every little thing. She's no longer the nanny you know, she's my wife. Grace: Wow, one night on the couch sure whipped you into shape. | |
| 6.4 Sara's Parents | Max: Sweetheart, you're very special, you're an acquired taste, like feta cheese! | |
| 6.4 Sara's Parents | Max: Well darling, I smoothed things over, I think, when I told them the naked nanny in the living room was now my naked wife. | |
| 6.4 Sara's Parents | Niles: Oh my god, what a mess! This is how you plan to impress Sara's parents? What did you cook? Fran: Juice. | |
| 6.4 Sara's Parents | Fran: Don't worry, I've got it all under control. I'm just waiting for the bell to ding...... [the doorbell rings] ...done. | |
| 6.4 Sara's Parents | Val: Why would Sara's parents go rooting around in your past to prove that you're unfit? Fran: I know Val. I mean, I thought they were gonna focus on the things that I teach them that might be inappropriate. Like how to make a phony ID. How to change a D into a B. How to return a dress that you've worn for a year. But I didn't think they were gonna go looking for bad things. | |
| 6.5 Maggie's Boyfriend | Max: Would you stop looking at the like that? It's spooky! Fran: Wha? I'm just listening to my husband charm his fat, old, spooky wife. | |
| 6.5 Maggie's Boyfriend | Max: Then promise one thing -- that you will try to be a little more conservative tonight. I mean that...that outfit you've got on it suggests that any woman would...would... Fran: What? Would jump into bed with a guy after five years? | |
| 6.5 Maggie's Boyfriend | Fran: Oh, this is what naches is all about! Brighton: What's naches? Michael: Naches means feeling a sense of pride. Fran: Oh, my god he's Jewish! Oh, my life is complete! My daughter is marrying a Jewish male model! | |
| 6.5 Maggie's Boyfriend | Max: When we're in the middle of an argument, why do you always walk out when it's my turn to speak? Fran: So I don't have to hear you! | |
| 6.5 Maggie's Boyfriend | Max: You know what your problem is, don't you? You want to be the children's friend. Well, you can't be. We have to be like lawyers... like agents -- if the children like us, we're not doing our jobs. | |
| 6.5 Maggie's Boyfriend | Fran: Oh, what is so terrible about me being supportive of my daughter? What do you think is going to happen? Max: Well, aren't you going to run out? It's my turn to speak. Fran: No, because obviously you have nothing to say. | |
| 6.5 Maggie's Boyfriend | Yetta: Frannie, you can't move in here. Then I would have to move out and go to a home! Sylvia: Ma, we put you in a home ten years ago. Yetta: You bastards! | |
| 6.5 Maggie's Boyfriend | Maggie: Fran, I'm so sorry. Michael I'm moving back home. Fran: (hopeful) Really? Maggie: When pigs fly. Fran, Jewish Guilt does not work on a shiksa. | |
| 6.6 I'm Pregnant | Maggie: (embarrassed) Sylvia, Yetta, do you have to stand in there? Sylvia & Yetta: No. (they move to sit on the bed with Maggie & Michael) | |
| 6.6 I'm Pregnant | Max: Everybody out! Now! Sylvia: I'll be in the kitchen. Max: Well, there's a shocker. | |
| 6.6 I'm Pregnant | CC: I like moonlight, Burt Bacharach...and leather. | |
| 6.6 I'm Pregnant | Max: Well, I want you talk to Margaret and forbid her from having any more! Fran: Okay honey, and while I'm doing that, why don't you schlep Opie to Floyd's for haircut. Max: Please, would you just go talk her? Fran: Oh, okay, okay... but I'll tell you, it's going to be pretty difficult for me to tell her she can't do something that I recently discovered is so amazing. Max: I don't care!.... Thank you....I don't care! | |
| 6.6 I'm Pregnant | Fran: Okay, let's see here. It says if you are not pregnant it will turn pink. If you are pregnant, it will turn blue...as will we all. | |
| 6.6 I'm Pregnant | Fran: I love you. But you know -- I don't want to put pressure on you or anything -- but if for some reason you are pregnant, life is going to change forever. No house, no husband, no money.....and it ain't going to be a picnic for you, either! | |
| 6.7 Mom's The Word | Fran: Oh Ma, I'm pregnant! Sylvia: My daughter's pregnant... and she's married! | |
| 6.7 Mom's The Word | Fran: What I have growing inside of me is a living breathing expression of our undying love as husband and wife. Sylvia: So what's the problem? Fran: He don't want it. | |
| 6.7 Mom's The Word | Sylvia: You better tell Maxwell quick. Keeping secrets ain't that butler's milieu. | |
| 6.7 Mom's The Word | C.C.: (on hearing that Fran is pregnant) I have nothing to live for. Niles: Oh please don't tell her, don't tell her. I'll be your slave. C.C.: And now I do. | |
| 6.7 Mom's The Word | Niles: How fast was that you stud? | |
| 6.8 Makin' Whoopi | Fran: I already did a little shopping. Ee ee ee (She holds up a mini-Fran dress) Max: What if it's a boy? Fran: Oh well, ee ee ee (she holds up a mini-doctor suit) Max: Darling the child isn't even born yet and already you're pressuring him to be a doctor. Fran: Well, they didn't have little lawyer suits! | |
| 6.8 Makin' Whoopi | Sylvia: Everything is going to be wonderful, you'll have a baby before you know it. (The door shuts on Max) Oy, it's going to take forever. He's over 40 and his sperm are practically in a coma. | |
| 6.8 Makin' Whoopi | Val: Oh I wonder what this is for? Mr. Fu: Oh this is very good for the brain, makes you smart. 50¢ a bottle. Val: And how much for 2 bottles? Mr. Fu: You better take the large. | |
| 6.8 Makin' Whoopi | Fran: Val, I find these instructions so confusing. Val: No, it's easy Fran. Look, here's the protein shake that will help Max's swimmers. And if he's not in the mood, here's the cookies that will help make him frisky. Fran: Val, I'm the cookie that'll make him frisky. | |
| 6.8 Makin' Whoopi | C.C.: Why would a woman go to such lengths to have a baby? In fact, I was thinking about having one of those operations, but then I thought what if I marry a wealthy man who insists I produce an heir. Niles: Oh stop deluding yourself, go ahead and have the vasectomy. | |
| 6.8 Makin' Whoopi | C.C.: Hiya baby. Niles: Hi dumpling. C.C.: Ummm, you smell good. What is that? Niles: Lemon Bowl Fresh. | |
| 6.8 Makin Whoopi | Max: I know, look, look, I'm tired, you're tired. What do you say we just rest for awhile and wait a bit until we try again? What do you say, I go and make the arrangements for Hollywood Squares and then I'll take my beautiful wife out for a lovely romantic dinner. Fran: That's so sweet, I love you. Max: We're not going to wait, we're going to try again right now, aren't we? Fran: Yeah. | |
| 6.8 Makin Whoopi | Val: You've gone without sex for this long, is another month really gonna kill ya? | |
| 6.9 Oh Say Can You Ski? | Max: Aspen is beautiful this time a year. Fran: I don't wanna go to Aspen, they got babies there. | |
| 6.9 Oh Say Can You Ski? | Fran: He's going to be so excited to meet you, he'll be here in a second. Ya know, he was so worried that I was going to say something embarrassing. Oh, here's the Imodean AD honey, just knock on your father's stall. | |
| 6.9 Oh Say Can You Ski? | Fran: Sweetie, you're obsessing. The way to stop thinking about it is to do something else. (They start kissing) Max: Do you think he thought I was an idiot? Fran: Let it go! | |
| new!! | 6.9 Oh Say Can You Ski? | Fran: Oh my God. I'm pregnant! |
| 6.9 Oh Say Can You Ski? | Fran: Oh we have so much to be grateful for. I know that I'm thankful that I'm married and I'm pregnant. Sylvia: And I'm thankful it was in that order. | |
| 6.10 The Hanukkah Story | Fran: Why didn't you tell me about this sooner? Max: Well I did, last Wednesday. You were watching Chicago Hope? Fran: Sweetie, don't tell me stuff when I'm in the middle of a cross gender surgery! | |
| 6.10 The Hanukkah Story | Niles: How can you go away
like this and not tell me, we've always been bitter together on the holiday. C.C.: If you think of anything nasty and hurtful, leave it on my machine. I'll check in. Niles: Remember when you're in Boston, keep a scarf wrapped around your neck. C.C.: It's not that cold. Niles: No, but it's that old. C.C.: Hate you. Niles: Hate you more. | |
| 6.10 The Hanukkah Story | Max: Why are you in such a bad mood? C.C.: Well, the holiday season is approaching, I'm alone like a dog, I'm riding to Boston with a kid that turned around to tell me she's going to throw up, and then did. Ho freakin' ho. | |
| 6.10 The Hanukkah Story | Young Max: Where are you? Young Niles: Well obviously I'm in court. I became a successful barrister remember? Regular Max: Niles! Regular Niles: What? Young Niles: Oh good God, I'm so depressed. Regular C.C.: Night all. Young Niles: Ooooh, who's that? | |
| 6.11 The In Law Who Came Forever | Fran: Oh Niles, how am I ever going to tell Maxwell that my parents are staying here? Niles: Quickly and without the negligee. | |
| 6.11 The In Law Who Came Forever | Max: Oh darling, don't you look beautiful. Mmmmm, and that perfume... I haven't smelled that perfume since.... the last time you did something wrong. What did you do? | |
| 6.11 The In Law Who Came Forever | Sylvia: Darling, I don't mean to criticize, but that man you married is a prince. You should wait on him hand and foot. He's a big step up from anything we thought you would wind up with. | |
| 6.11 The In Law Who Came Forever | Brighton: Hey Fran, about your mother... Fran: Wha? I said I was glad she's here! | |
| 6.11 The In Law Who Came Forever | Grace: (seeing Fran cooking) Oh God, did Niles die? Fran: Can't a wife order some lunch from a deli and pretend she made it for her husband without a big to do? I'm just trying to pamper your father. Grace: Well then, why didn't you make the food yourself? Fran: Because I'm too young to be a widow. | |
| 6.11 The In Law Who Came Forever | Model: When's lunch? C.C.: Darling, you just had an Altoid, you can't eat again until Tuesday. | |
| 6.11 The In Law Who Came Forever | Max: [re: pampering] Fran, why are you doing this? Fran: (Sniffing) Because you were left out in the garden. Max: I know that made sense in here (pointing to her head), but I'm out here. | |
| 6.11 The In Law Who Came Forever | Fran: You see, you want people living in your house, then you're not always gonna get the stuff you want when you want it. Remember when you wanted me and Ma came walking in with The Godfather I, II and III? | |
| 6.11 The In Law Who Came Forever | Fran: Honey, you know that camcorder that we keep in our bedroom? Well I just figured out a whole new way to use it. | |
| 6.12 The Fran In The Mirror | Fran: You outlaws you! Butch, why don't you take Sundance and get some coffee in the kitchen? | |
| 6.12 The Fran In The Mirror | Sylvia: So, did she get into this school? Fran: Well, it was only our second interview and the teacher dropped a word I didn't understand. What one was that? Grace: Curriculum... She said it was "broad based" and you said "what do the boys study?" | |
| 6.12 The Fran In The Mirror | C.C.: The minute you arrive you tell that theater owner he'd better not jack up the rent or the next time he'll have to deal with me. Max: Oh C.C., there's no need to frighten the man. | |
| 6.12 The Fran In The Mirror | C.C.: But I am his business partner and I am in charge of the money. Fran: Yes, but this is a private investment made by Max and myself. C.C.: Well, I am in charge of that too because.... you're stupid! | |
| 6.13 The Yummy Mummy | Val: So Fran, what do you want, a boy or a girl? Fran: Oh I don't care Val, just as long as it's healthy. Oh, and it can wear that adorable dress! Val: What if it's a boy? Fran: Well, then, he'll just have to work it out in therapy, cause he's wearing that dress! | |
| 6.13 The Yummy Mummy | Brighton: My mother's coming with me to colleges, how happy am I? Fran: Oh you don't have to tell me, look at his face! He's crying! | |
| 6.13 The Yummy Mummy | C.C.: I don't have time for you, I'm being taken out tonight. Niles:Oh well in that case, I'll open the drapes and give the gunman a cleaner shot. | |
| 6.13 The Yummy Mummy | Sylvia: (rooting around in her chest) I think I lost a grape in here. | |
| 6.13 The Yummy Mummy | Fran: Oh Miss Redgrave--Lynnie, what can I say? How can I ever thank you? Did you take my cheese? Lynn: Just one other little thing, when a guest borrows the cheese, don't ask for it back. It's not classy. | |
| 6.13 The Yummy Mummy | Dr Reynolds: Fran, I see four feet! Fran: Four feet? Oh my God, how am I ever gonna catch him when he's bad? | |
| 6.14 California Here We Come | Fran: A critter said that?? | |
| 6.14 California Here We Come | Niles: Oh my God! It's the Tone Tech 2000 Intercom System, with the voice activated hyper-sensitive speakers. Damn, this baby picks up sign language! | |
| new!! | 6.16 The Producers | Brighton: Um, Dad, uh, you know Fran's in the living room crying and I think she really needs some um... Fran: [whispering through the door] Comfort, OY! Brighton: Comfort, oy. |
| new!! | 6.17 Dummy Twins | Fran: Miss Babcock, why do you always think with your head, what does your heart say? C.C.: Don't marry a maid. Fran: Well what does your liver say, does that at least say, 'can the maid take me out for a drink?' |
| new!! | 6.17 Dummy Twins |
C.C.: Nanny Fine, what is this sudden interest in my love life? Did I interfere with you and Maxwell? Did I push you two together? Fran: No, you tried to push me in front of a bus. C.C.: Once, and I apologized! |
| new!! | 6.17 Dummy Twins | C.C.: Niles, I'm trying to say something nice. Help me, Nanny Fine. Fran: What she's trying to say is that she knows she'd be damn lucky to have you, but...she's a lesbian. |
| 6.17 Dummy Twins | CC: Me marry you? Please, you are a pathetic excuse for a man. Niles: Ditto! But at least I know when it's time to move on. You are going to spend the rest of your life pining for a man who doesn't love you and who's married a woman half your age. Fran: Oh Niles, please don't go! Niles:Look around you, they're married, they're starting a family. Where are you going to be ten, twenty years from now? You're going to be saying "Merry Christmas" to your friends in rehab and wondering what might have been. I'll be leaving first thing in the morning Sir. CC: Oh my God, he's right. The best years of my life are gone, and they sucked. I have always stayed too long at the fair. Well not this time. I have to move on. Maxwell, my resignation will be on your desk in the morning. | |
| 6.19 Maggie's Wedding | (Val and Fran are in the kitchen having cake and coffee. Fran makes loud clinking sounds on her coffee cup, so Val will ask her what's up.) Fran: Oh, Val! I am sitting on a secret for over a week now, and cannot tell a living soul. Val: Good cake. Fran: Niles and miss Babcock are having an affair! Val: With who? Fran: With each other! | |
| 6.19 Maggie's Wedding | Max: (to Fran) Look, Margaret is entirely too young to get married. Fran: Why? I was just about her age when we got married. (Max looks at her raising his eyebrows) Well all right, I should have been her age when we got married. | |
| 6.21 The Finale | Maggie: So Sylvia, what did you and Morty do on your 1st anniversary? Sylvia: We went to Puerto Rico. Maggie: What about you Yetta? Yetta: We fled Poland. | |
| 6.21 The Finale | C.C.: I don't know nothing about birthing no babies! Fran: Well, frankly Ms. Babcock, I don't give a damn! | |
| 6.21 The Finale | Max: Oh I can only imagine what kind of pain you must be in. Fran: I so very much don't think so! | |
| 6.21 The Finale | Sylvia: I could eat him up. Fran: Get him away from my mother. | |
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