I cannot believe it's been a year and a half and you still roll to your right.

Ow...

I cannot believe your grandmother!  Two years and she didn't push Sammy to set a date.

You're telling me?  Someone in my family forgot they got proposed to!  It's a world gone mad!

Meanwhile, where the hell is she? She's gotta start planning this thing if she really wants to get married this weekend.

And what's with the rush all of a sudden?  You'd think if she waited this long already she would at least hold on a few more days and let us plan a good wedding.  What the hell are we gonna come up with in six days?

What?  Six days is plenty of time!
 

Yeah, ma, but I'm talking about a real wedding here, not just daddy's beer cans tied to their feet and the left over cake from your birthday party.

Ma!  Where have you been all day?  We need to talk to you.

I went to the movies with Sammy.  They had a Chaplin marathon.

You took Sammy to a silent movie?

I didn't want him to get distracted.

Yetti, Yetti?  Over here, honey.  Hi.  Listen, we were just talking about the wedding and --

You're getting married?!  Oh, mazel-tov darling!  I gotta say I was beginning to get a little worried about you.  (THEN) So, who you marrying? Don't tell me it's that hairy schlub from the bridal shop.  I don't know, Frannie...  I don't like Italian guys. (THEN SOTTO TO FRAN, RE: VAL)  Besides, I think he's got the hots for your kid sister here.

No Yetti, I'm married already, I meant --

You are married?  Then what the hell are you planning a wedding for? (THEN, TO SYLVIA) What, one's not enough for you?!

It's your wedding, Yetta!

Oh... can I bring Sammy?

Anywho...

But Fran, how are you going to find a place to host the wedding in such short notice?

She's right.  There's no way we're gonna find a wedding planner, a caterer, a --

What do we need with those fancy schmancy coordinators anyway?  They take all your money and meanwhile, you don't see one knish in the whole reception.  No, I say we do this ourselves.  Hey, I didn't work three years for the "hairy schlub" and walk away empty handed!

(SOTTO) Oh sure, 'cause who needs those silk bows on the back of the chairs, toilet paper will do just fine!

Fine, you come up with a better idea!  But don't come crying to me when it's Saturday night and all you got is your half eaten cake!

You know, Sylvia, I think Fran is right, you should plan this yourselves, there's no time to hire a wedding coordinator.

Alright.  But at least let me take care of the invitations.

Oh, sure Ma!  Yeah, that should cover your half of the work.

Alright.  First, we gotta think about food.

Don't you need to find a place to host the wedding first?

No.

Well, your sister is coming anyway. She can take care of the catering.

(WHINING) But, Ma!  If she's doing the cookin' it means she'll be here all the time and --

What, you wanna cough up a few thousand bucks for something your sister can do for free?!

Free?  What free?!  This is Nay, ma!  She helps you with breakfast and the next day you get a bill in the mail!

Well if she's thinking of charging us to cook for her grandmother, she's got another thing coming. (THEN) Now what else do we need?

Well, Uncle Sidney is a Rabbi/Lawyer he should come in handy. (CHECK) We'll ask Cousin Sheila to decorate the place. (CHECK) Marcia can be in charge of bossing the waiters around. (CHECK)  Uncle Stanley --

Fran, you can't just count on bringing all these people, who knows if they'd even wanna come?

What, have all these years as my friend taught you nothing?  What Fine is gonna turn down free food and a chance to squeeze their size eleven's in John Wayne's footprints?!

Alright.  So do you know where you want to host this thing, or are you just gonna shove a few hundred chairs in the lobby of Yetta's retirement home?

What, is that too small?

Hey!  Doesn't anybody care what I think?

Oh, sure we do!/Of course, Ma!

I think I'll take that area rug you have upstairs for my new apartment.  It matches the towels I took yesterday.

Fran, if you're so concerned, why don't you just have the wedding here?!  I mean, it's a big house, you have a big back yard and you wouldn't have to pay a - (RE: FRAN PINCHING HER UNDER THE TABLE) oww!!

(ECSTATIC) Oh, that's a wonderful idea!

No, it's not! Hold it, Ma, Max won't like this one bit, besides --

(NOT LISTENING) Oh, a wedding at the Sheffield Estate!  How classy!  Come on Ma, lets go dust off your old wedding gown.

Oh, I don't know, I think you'd have to lose another thirty pounds to fit into that.

(CALMLY) You know, Val, next time you blow your nose, why don't you try keeping your brain (YELLING) inside ya head for a change!?

Gimmie that!

(INTO PHONE) What do you mean you don't know?!  They were in your care, you baboon!

(TO NILES) Hi baby. (THEN, INTO PHONE) No, you listen, pal!  If those lights aren't at the stage this afternoon I swear the next thing you'll be gripping will be your groin!

How fast can you make me a pineapple juice?

Well, that depends.  You want the thorns in it for extra flavor? (THEN)  You're not actually serious, are you?

Yes, why?

Well, I just spent the past thirty minutes preparing that kiwi juice you were craving when you woke up!

So who was that poor soul on the phone getting his morning dose of Babcock fear?

Ah, just one of the idiots at the studio.  Some lights needed to be replaced and he can't find the new ones.  Of course Maxwell was supposed to have taken care of that yesterday, but oh no, the man's too busy being a damn zombie! (THEN) Ew!  Niles, what was in this omelet?

Do you mean the one that you just shoved half of into your mouth and swallowed instantly? (THEN) It's cottage cheese, we ran out of munster.

Actually, Niles, it's yummy!

You know, if I were you, I wouldn't be so hard on Mr. Sheffield this week.  You know it's hard to anticipate what to expect from him around the late Mrs. Sheffield's birthday.

(MOUTHFUL) Well I don't give a damn, we got work to do.  Besides, what the hell is he doing still caring about the toothpick's birthday anyway?  I thought he was over all that crap already.

Well, I suppose this being the first time they're not in New York when the date comes might shake him a tad more than usual.

Yeah, yeah.  Hand me that glass of water would you?  I'm choking here!

Besides, you should remember what the doctor said, "no stress"!

Whatever, I'm off.

What about the juice?!

Not in the mood (THEN) This green stuff looks good though.

See you later, lover.

And make sure you eat something, you're looking skinnier every day.

(SOTTO) Gee, I wonder why!

(LEAVING AGAIN) Mid-morning snack! Ciao!

So what do you think of the network's idea?  Should we do this Christmas special thing or not?

Oh, I'm sorry, C.C., what were you saying?

Snap out of it Maxwell!  You've been like this all morning!  Did you even listen to a word I said in the past two hours? - Oh, never mind, I'll take care of this myself.

Oh, hi Ms. Babcock.  I was just talking to Niles, he--

(SOTTO) Boy, somebody's not wearing their hormones well today. (WALKING TOWARDS MAX).  Some women can be such yo-yo's when they hit that third trimester. (WRAPPING HER ARMS AROUND HIM) I bet you're glad that didn't happen to me!

I'm glad you're both here, Sammy and I have something we want to say to you.

What is it Yetta?

We wanna thank you for your hospitality --

(INTERRUPTING, VERY QUICKLY)  And you're very welcome my darlings.  (TRYING TO GET THEM OFF THE COUCH) Now, why don't you two go to the kitchen and tell one of the kids to make you a prune shake.

Now, Fran, let them finish.

It was very nice of you to find us a place for our wedding. (TO MAXWELL) We thought we were gonna have to have it at the home, but Frannie here kindly offered your house instead. (GETTING UP AND PINCHING FRAN'S CHEEK)  Isn't she something?

(CONTAINING HIS ANGER) Oh, yes, she is something alright.  (THEN, TO FRAN)  Uh, Fran, darling, can I see you in my office for a second?

(SLOWLY BACKING AWAY)  Uh, well, honey, you see, I'd love to, but, um, (QUICKLY) Gracie needs me in the kitchen!  Yeah, big mess in there.  There's a sock stuck in the garbage disposal, you think it might be your --

Miss Fine!!

Oh, boy, here we go.

(TO SAMMY AND YETTA)  Would you excuse us a moment?  (SOTTO TO FRAN) Your granddaughter suddenly has an urge to be spanked!

You bloody well know what I mean, get in there!

Oh, alright.

Are you out of your bloody mind?!

I swear, it wasn't my idea!

How could you let this happen?!  I have people from the network coming this weekend, and I honestly doubt they'll be amused by a mob of Fines in my back yard dancing the hava nagila!

Honey, I tried to stop them, but Ma was already squeezin' Yetta into a 200-year-old knock-off before I could tell her I needed to ask you first. - And when did that become your back yard?

Don't even --

Oh, alright!  You tell Yetta she can't have the wedding of her dreams at our house.  Go ahead tell her she needs to find herself another place in less than a week.

Besides, sweetie, I'll take care of everything, you won't even notice they're here!

I won't even notice?!  Fran, I can hear your parents yelling at each other from the curb!

Trust me, honey, it'll be alright.

Is it black tie, or can I just borrow one of your father's powder blue bermuda shorts?

Oh, honey, have I ever told you you're the best husband any woman could ask for?

Yeah, well just keep that in mind next time two babies need a parent to feed them and sing them back to sleep in the middle of the night, and your adorable husband is exhausted after a day of dealing with "Hollywood's most annoying".

I love you so much. (BEAT)  Meanwhile, and don't take this the wrong way, I mean sitting on your lap beats any overstuffed couch in the world, but... shouldn't you be at the studio like... right about now?

Uh... C.C.'s taking care of things today.

(ONTO HIM) Uh-huh... and since when do you let that easily-ignitable partner of yours handle the network run throughs unattended?

When did you get so smart?  (THEN) I just didn't feel like going today.

(SUDDENLY CONCERNED) What's the matter, honey, you sick?

No, I'm alright, really, I just felt like staying in today, that's all.

Uh-huh, yeah, and Jonah got a rash on his tushy today just 'cause he felt like being naked. (BEAT) Well actually he did, but that's besides the point. (THEN) Come on, what's that look on your face about?

Well, I guess all this... change lately is finally beginning to catch up to me...

Oh, you mean the cold floor in the bathroom now that Yetta took our rug?

What rug?

Nothing?

No Fran, I mean the big change.  This new life, all these new responsibilities.  I don't know it all seems so... confusing sometimes.

I was beginning to wonder why this hadn't come up sooner...

(SIGH) I guess the schedule out here is so hectic you hardly have time to think much at all. (THEN)  You know, last night I was walking around the lot after the taping... and I felt so... empty... (BACK TO HIS OLD SELF)  It-it's silly, really --

No, honey, it's not silly.  Look, there have been moments when I've felt the same way too, (SOTTO) although Ma keeps blaming it on extended post-partum depression! (THEN) Change can be a little scary sometimes, and I gotta say I'm very proud of you for not passing on this opportunity life threw at you.  The old Mr. Sheffield would have just ducked at the mere thought of a change of this magnitude, but look at you!  You are dealing with it like a pro! (SHE SMILES) Am I right or am I right?

Well, you do know who I owe this newfound courage to... But still, I can't help feeling confused sometimes.  It's like the dust is finally settling after our move out here and I'm beginning to miss... well lots of things.  New York itself!  I lived thirty years in that blasted town --

(TRYING TO CHEER HIM UP) And now you're in the middle of the desert where people wear sneakers with no socks. I know what you mean.  Hey, I lived in New York for thirty years too, ya know!

Ah, right, I forgot you were born six. (WINK).

But staying home avoiding your responsibilities is not gonna do you any good either.  Come on, it's still early, I'll walk you to the car.  You still have time to keep C.C. from killing a couple of network execs.

(TRYING TO GET OUT OF IT) Well actually I was going to offer to take you down to Hollywood so you could see the Walk of Fame.  You've been putting it off for months!

Oh, honey, I wish I could, but I have a lot of work to do with Yetta's wedding coming up and --

You could take pictures of the stars of all those celebrities...

(SMILING MISCHIEVOUSLY)  I'll let you bring some chalk so you can draw your own star on the empty tile next to Lucy's --

(QUICKLY GETTING UP)  Ok, lets go.

Well, still two days left and we got forty-one RSVPs! (GLOATING) Not bad, not bad.

Wow, Fran, that's really great!  And when are the people from New York flying in?

Well, so far, (OFF LIST) Sammy's relatives arrive on Friday, and most of the Fines get here on Saturday.  Cousin Ira, Marcia, and Jack get in tonight, --

(TO FRAN) Hello angel! 

(ANNOYED, CONTINUES) ...Nay got here this morning...

Well, this place is fantastic!  Who would have thought you would be the one to end up marrying a millionaire and living in a mansion in Beverly Hills!  I tell ya, it is beyond me!

(YELLING) Where the hell are the chairs?!

... Sheila arrived last night...

I sent the girls upstairs to play with your husband's kid.  Meanwhile, that girl is getting skinnier every day!

She only looks skinny next to your girls, Nay.

Where's Barry?

He's in the bathroom.  That American Airlines menu gives him terrible gas, he's all bloated and --

Please, spare us the details! (THEN)  Meanwhile, did you talk to Sheila?  She's setting up the tables out in the back yard and she wants to know how many you're gonna need.

Need for what?

(SARCASTICALLY) For the flamenco dancers, Nay!  What do you mean "for what"?  For the food!

I'm waiting out here!

(YELLING) Coming!

(SOTTO) Sheesh, those two! (THEN) Ma, did ya call the flower guy?

Yeah, he's coming on Sunday.

And where are all the chairs?

They're bringing them tomorrow!  Would you relax?  You look like you need a valium over there.

(YELLING) That's the rest of the tables!

Val, would you go?

Wait up Brian, this stuff is heavy.

Wow!  And who is this lovely creature?  Hi there, I'm Brian, how you doing?  Pleased to meet you.

Grace Sheffield. Just fine.  Not interested.

Alright, back off, Fabio.  That's my kid sister.  Keep it up and we'll be shooting this film on your retina!

Ah... and this must be the source of all this beauty! Mrs. Sheffield I presume?  Brian Davidow, at your service.

(AMUSED) Nice to meet you, Brian.

(ANNOYED) Hey Brian, how about bringing "your service" over here and helping me out with these lights?  We need to set them up in the garden before it gets dark.

Well, actually the garden's a very busy area right now. B honey, we're setting up for grandma Yetta's wedding out there.  You think you could do your project someplace else?

Oh, I'm sure we could --

(SNAPPING AT FRAN) No!

Man, what do I have to do to get some work done around here?!

Chill dude, we can do it someplace else.

No we cannot!

What's the matter, B.?

Well, lets see,  I'm trying to get some work done and suddenly I'm banned from my own garden!  (TO BRIAN) Set the lights out there, I'll get the camera.

(CALLING) B.

(YELLING) Can't you see I'm busy?!  Jeez!

Don't yell at your mother, man.

She's not my mother!

Brighton!

I'm sorry, ma'am.  Um, I'll make sure we don't interrupt anything out there.  Sorry.  Oh, and, happy birthday.

What?

Oh... I-I thought Brighton said it was your birthday today. (THEN) Oh he actually meant - Oh, never mind.  Sorry.

(SOTTO) Oh God...