(SULKILY) You're looking at my bloated feet, aren't you?

(BLINKING IN SURPRISE) What are you talking about?

Spider veins. You're staring at my spider veins.

(ROLLING HIS EYES) I told you C.C., you look great.

(STANDS UP, HANDS ON HIPS)Great? That's it - just great? When we first started seeing each other, you compared me to a summer's day.

No, I said when the sun hits your profile just right you look like Daniel Day Lewis.

Confess. You don't find me attractive anymore. Why would you want to touch me now that I look like this? (GESTURES TOWARDS HER PREGNANT STOMACH)

(MOVES AWAY QUICKLY) Don't touch me!

Well, what do you want from me woman?!

You should know without me having to tell you.

Fine. How about I ask you questions. One cluck for yes. Two clucks for no.

They said it was going to happen. I just didn't think it was going to happen this soon.

(EXASPERATED) They who?

Mrs. Cunningham, Mrs. Brady, Mrs. Cleaver and Nanny Fine.

What are you blathering about?

Romance - you idiot! I was watching Oprah with Nanny Fine and TV Moms were guesting that day. They were all saying that once the boyfriend becomes a husband everything changes. (WIPING THE CORNERS OF HER EYES WITH A TISSUE) And they were right!

Oh god. How long is this hormonal trip to paranoid city suppose to last?

Don't give me that! If you weren't flirting with the VONS bag girl, then why did she give you a free pine-scented air freshener?

It was buy one get one free!

So you say! How do I know it's not a secret message to rendezvous with her in Hollywood?

(RUBBING HIS TEMPLE IN PAIN) Now I know how Mr. Sheffield feels. (TAKES HER HAND AND LEADS HER GENTLY BACK TO THE FOOT OF THE BED AND SITS DOWN NEXT TO HER) Dr. Pomeranz said that you were going to be experiencing mood swings so I am trying to stay calm. But I have no clue what you are talking about.

Okay, if you insist on playing dumb, I'll explain. Where do you put air fresheners? In the bathroom! What's in a bathroom - a john! (NODS HER HEAD AS IF ALL SHE IS SAYING MAKES SENSE)

(SHOUTS) Johnny Depp's Viper room! You're planning to go dancing and drinking with her over there aren't you! I can't believe you would do that to me Niles! Not after all we've been through!! (RUNS OUT OF THE ROOM, LIP TREMBLING)

(THROUGH INTERCOM) Is CC finally on her way over? She's late.

(STARES AT INTERCOM) Yes. I suppose you overheard all that caterwauling she was just doing?

(THROUGH INTERCOM) Overheard? She actually drowned out Fran singing in the shower!

It does gets easier as time goes on, right sir?

(THROUGH INTERCOM - LONG, LOUD LAUGHTER)

With all that sight-seeing you're doing, you've racked up quite a few frequent flyer miles.

(REPLYING QUICKLY) Umm...I'm sorry, I was admiring your...shoes. (ASIDE AS HE SLAPS HIMSELF ON THE FOREHEAD) Shoes! What am I saying?! Now she's going to think I'm a tutti-fruity.

(HUMORING HIM) Thank you, but we really need to concentrate on this project that we're assigned to do together.

Assignment?...oh yeah don't worry - I've got it covered. I know someone who makes the best strawberry cheesecake.

Really? That's great! I was worried that I would get a bad grade on this. After all, filming a cooking scene - what a yawner!

(UNIMPRESSED, PULLS HAND AWAY) Yeah, yeah.

I get so tired of getting hit on by these boys. I want to meet a man who isn't afraid to tell me what he really thinks, in his own words.

(GULPS) I...I...

(SITS ON HER HUSBAND'S LAP AND WRAPS HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK) You were being particularly generous this morning mister.

Yes well, I thought it would be fun to concentrate on my certain areas of expertise. (SOFTLY KISSES HER AS SHE SNUGGLES) As a producer I'm well aware when the plot needs to be quickened or dramatically slowed down.

And as an avid lover of...plots, I will have to say it definitely held my attention. The pacing was perfect, the main character was a sheer delight and the conclusion was very, very satisfying.

(LOOKS OVER HER SHOULDER AT BRIGHTON AND TRIES TO PLAY IT OFF AS SHE SKOOTCHES OFF MAXWELL'S LAP) All in all I will have to say it was the best performance ever.

Of course. I had the perfect female ingenue cast in the leading role.

(POINTS HER PINKY FINGER AT HIM) The only role you mean. This is definitely a monogamous...play.

You've got a new play coming out Dad? What's it called?

Uhh...

(FILLS IN QUICKLY) Man of La Macher. It's about this man with a very big sword and boy does he know how to use it!

Dad, I need some advice.

(Folds hands into a little teepee on his desk) Of course son. What can I help you with?

Well, I really like this girl in one of my classes. How do I tell her that I want to be more than just friends?

(STARES AT HER SON INCREDULOUSLY) You're asking him?

(ANNOYED) And why not?

(TO NILES) Can you believe this? (THEY SHARE A LOOK BEFORE SHE TURNS BACK TO MAXWELL) You want me to tell you why, okay... (SPEAKING LIKE A LAWYER) On the night of December 29, 1993, were you or were you not upset at the fact that I went out with Brock Storm?

Upset is such a strong word, darling.

(HANDS ON THE DESK, LEANING TOWARDS MAXWELL) Okay...does May 13, 1996 ring a bell?You booked everyone from here to Timbuktu on the cruise that I took to meet Mr. Right!

Oh, this is getting good! (SITS ON COUCH, EAGERLY WATCHES)

(RAPIDLY ASKS AS HER FINGER JABS THE AIR) And did you not risk life and limb on October 22, 1997 to save me from the clutches of that dog stealing Nanny-napper? Fess up mister, I have you dead to rights!

(WALKS AROUND DESK AND PULLS HER IN FOR A STRONG EMBRACE) Objection, you're badgering the witness. (KISSES HER LOVINGLY BEFORE SHE CAN REPLY)

(SOTTO) And to think I use to play post office. Who knew that playing People's Court would be more fun? (PULLS MAX IN FOR A DEEPER KISS)

(DAZEDLY PULLS AWAY) Ah yes, well court is adjourned. (USES HIS FIST LIKE A GAVEL)

(ASIDE TO MAX) Tonight you'll be pounding more than that desk baby. (TURNS TO BRIGHTON) Okay listen B...you really like this girl, right?

Yeah, she's my dream girl!

Do you want to get together with her now or five years from now?

Now, of course. This minute. This second. I think I'm falling in love with her.

Eh heh...what color are her eyes?

Err...umm...

Yep, that's what I thought. This is puppy lust not love.

No, wait...I know the answer. I know everything about her. Today she had on blue jeans, a V - Necked, short-sleeved red sweater and a matching pair of low heeled mules, with just a hint of pink on the tips.

Okay, now you're scaring me...

(SNAPS FINGERS) Green! Beautiful emerald green eyes. (Looks off into the distance, goofy smile on face)

Another one bites the dust.

(CHUCKLES) Where is your wife, old man?

Either nose deep in a bucket of chicken or coming up with a new way to exasperate me.

Sounds like trouble in the Garden of Eden. What's the matter Adam, ya want your rib back?

(SMILES) Remember how on edge you became when you were pregnant?

(SURPRISED) Me?

Oh come on Fran. I got blisters on my feet from tiptoeing on all those egg shells.

(POUTS, TURNS TO BRIGHTON AND GRACE) Is that true? (BEFORE THEY COULD REPLY) (TO BRIGHTON) Remember I'll be helping you get your girl. (TO GRACE) And loaning you my new leather skirt for your date with Patrick Fitzimmons.

(SIMULTANEOUS) You were the perfect mom!/ An absolute angel!

(TO BRIGHTON) Thank you Benedict Arnold. You know the men are suppose to stick together.

(SHRUGS) Hey raise my trust fund, my answer might change.(OFF OF MAXWELL'S SCOWL, BRIGHTON BACKS AWAY QUICKLY AND HIDES BEHIND FRAN)

B, all you need to do to win your girl is to get Niles to help you win her heart.

(Simultaneous) Me?!/Him?!

Niles, your stuff is almost as good as Angie Dickinson's.

You mean Emily Dickinson.

Yeah. Great poet and she sure was good on 'Policewoman'.

(GIVES HER A LOOK AND SHAKES HIS HEAD) How did you know I write poetry?

Remember the time when I was in your room looking for scotch tape and your journal somehow fell out of that locked drawer of yours and into my hands?

(DRYLY) Yes, you claimed it as a Jewish miracle. (THINKS ABOUT IT FOR A BEAT) A poem may stop C.C. from being jealous all the time. I can't take much more of this.

Niiiiles! Is this lipstick on your apron?!

(SLAPS A PAPER ON THE COUNTER) Check this out Niles - it's a masterpiece! (PICKS IT UP AND KISSES IT)

(WAVES A PAPER IN THE AIR) I finished mine too. Did you do everything I told you to do?

(AFFRONTED) Of course I did. (HOLDS A FINGER OUT EVERYTIME HE MENTIONS A STEP) One - point out her beauty. Two - point out her inner beauty. And three - sneak looks at her chest as she reads about her beauty and inner beauty.

Okay, let's see it. (PLACES HIS POEM ON COUNTER, TAKES BRIGHTON'S AND READS IT. LIPS BEGIN TO QUIVER, AS HAND MUFFLES ESCAPING CHORTLE)

(ALL SWEETNESS AND LIGHT) Hey lover! (STOPS MIDSTRIDE AS SHE SPOTS BRIGHTON, TAKES NILES ASIDE) You left rather quickly this morning. I was hoping we would cuddle after we... (REMEMBERS BRIGHTON) ...shared a muffin. Still hungry? (WINKS)

Always.

I know! How about I make you breakfast for once? (MOVES TOWARD THE STOVE)

Why did you leave so early? (HER SMILE FADES, EYES WIDEN) You were about to rendezvous with her, weren't you?

What? Of course not!

(SLAMS PAN ON THE STOVE) How do you want your eggs?!

(SCARED) To go.

I'm not letting you out of my sight!

C.C. as flattering as all this jealousy is, you are the only one for me. Look I even wrote you a poem.

(FACE SOFTENS AS SHE BEGINS TO READ OUTLOUD)
She's dressed all in red from her head to her toe,
Her skin as soft as the new fallen snow;
Her eyes how they twinkle as they look all about,
searching for a hotdog piled with sauerkraut;
(HER FACE HARDENS)

(TURNS AWAY, HER VOICE GETTING EDGIER) She looks so cute when she rubs her tummy,
and even when she sneezes and her nose is wet and runny...

(HOLDS HIS HEAD IN HIS HANDS) OH GOD!

(FAWNING OVER BRIGHTON) Your poem is the most beautiful thing I have ever received in my entire life. (KISSES BRIGHTON)

(IMMOBILE) THANK YOU! (GRATEFUL)

Recite it to me again.

Hey look, the boy is gettin' some!

(WALKS IN BETWEEN THEM AND SITS ON THE COUCH) Don't mind us. The 7^th inning stretch ain't suppose to happen until the homerun is hit. (WINKS AT BRIGHTON)

(SLAPS MORTY ON SHOULDER AS SHE SITS) Look what you did! You chased them away.

Good - more M&M's for us.

What M&M's? (GLANCES AT COFFEE TABLE)

Look under the cushions. Last time I found those new crispy ones.

(EYES INTENT ON T.V.) Did you see that?! A strike! I could probably do that too if I had a $200 bowling ball.

(GRABS MORTY INTO A TIGHT CLINCH) You remembered! (RELEASES HIM AND STARES ADORINGLY AT MORTY, CLUTCHES POEM TO BOSOM)

Heh?

I told you C.C., that wasn't my poem. Brighton switched on me.

You probably gave the good one to her.

(IGNORING THE ARGUMENT HAPPENING BEHIND THEM) Today is the anniversary of the very first time we...you know.

Morty!

(HEAD SNAPS TO HER) Yeah, the anniversary. Of course, I remembered! To celebrate the first time we... went bowling?

No, our first kiss!

(OFF HER ANGRY LOOK) Oh yeah, yeah. But we kissed between the 7/10 split.

(TOUCHED) Oh Morty. This almost tops the song that you sang to me at the restaurant. (BEGINS TO READ POEM OUTLOUD)

(HEAD SNAPS TO SYLVIA) That's it, that's my poem! (RUNS OVER AND ATTEMPTS TO GRAB IT OUT OF SYLVIA'S HAND)

(PULLS IT AWAY) This is my poem! My little porkchop wrote it for me. (BLOWS A KISS TO MORTY)

(STANDS UP, GESTURES WITH HEAD TOWARDS NILES. WHISPERS FROM THE CORNER OF MOUTH) Let me take credit for this and she'll let me suck the chocolate off the goobers during the Giants/Rams game next week. (FURTIVELY HANDS HIM A BRIBE)

(LOOKS AT BRIBE) This is a coupon for lunch at some diner.

(SHUSHING HIM) Quiet down, willya! If she finds out I gave you that, (NODS OVER TO SYLVIA), she'll have my head on a platter. Go take wifey over there between 3:15pm and 3:30pm tomorrow and you can get the best spaghetti and meatballs for under $2.

(ROLLS HIS EYES AND POCKETS THE COUPON.) (TO C.C) My mistake.

(SHAKING HANDS WITH JULIET) So you're the reason why my son gargled 9 times this morning and used up all my Aramis.

Juliet. I bet you hear Shakespeare a lot?

Too much. Boys think they can flatter me by quoting the play. (HOLDS BRIGHTON'S HAND) But not Brighty. He wrote me something from his own heart.

Sweetheart, Daddy and I have to go.

But you only just got here. (SOTTO) What am I saying? (TO SYLVIA AND MORTY) Okay, nice seeing you, bye! (TRIES TO RUSH THEM OUT)

(TWISTS AWAY) But first I think I smell strawberry cheesecake. (NOSE SNIFFS THE AIR LIKE A BLOODHOUND, FOLLOWS IT TO THE COUNTER. LIFTS UP TOP OF PLATTER AND UNCOVERS THE DESSERT. QUICKLY SETS POEM DOWN, PICKS UP KNIFE TO CUT HERSELF A SLICE)

Ma, what are you doing? (SETS PURSE DOWN ON TOP OF POEM) That's B's homework and not on your new eating plan!

Fine. I'll just nibble on the strawberries. (DAINTILY PICKS UP FRUIT, WRAPS THEM IN NAPKIN)

Now what are you doing?

Your Daddy and I are going home to play soda fountain. (SEXILY SLIPS HAND INSIDE THE CROOK OF MORTY'S ARM)

(CRINKLES NOSE) I'll never be able to look at strawberries innocently again.

Brighty, how about reciting my poem again. I never tire of hearing it.(TRACES THE TIP OF HER FINGER FLIRTATIOUSLY UP HIS BARE ARM)

(TURNS TO MAXWELL, SLAPS HIS ARM) How come you never write me poetry?

(INSULTED) I have too! I wrote you a very lovely one a few weeks ago.

Oh please...(RECITES)
Roses are red,
Daisies are white,
I really, really think you are out of sight.

(FOLDS HIS ARMS) It won Tricia Weichert's heart in 4^th grade.

(FLIPS MAXWELL'S WRIST OVER. OFF HIS WATCH) Oh, we're going to be late! (PICKS UP PURSE, THE POEM STICKS TO BOTTOM)

Do we have to go? I don't think I can take another night of Fred talking about warts.

Yes we do. I miss Val. (OPENS PURSE TO PULL OUT COMPACT. SPOTS POEM, PULLS IT OFF. AS SHE READS IT HER EYES TWINKLE WITH LOVE AND HAPPINESS. GRABS AN UNSUSPECTING MAX INTO A TIGHT EMBRACE AND RAUNCHILY GRINDS HER LIPS AGAINST HIS)Oh honey, what a beautiful poem! (BEGINS TO READ NILES' POEM OUTLOUD)

(HEAD SNAPS TO FRAN, STRIDES OVER) That's my...

(QUICKLY PICKS UP AN APPLE FROM FRUIT BOWL. STUFFS IT INTO NILES' MOUTH) I'm glad you like it darling.

(SPITS OUT APPLE) But that's...

(PULLS NILES ASIDE, IN PIG LATIN) Ixnay on the oempay.

(WHISPERS) I need that poem back! Or I'll be sharing the couch tonight with Chester and ALPO does not agree with him! (SCRUNCHES FACE IN DISGUST)

Save it. Presidential flash cards are not a priority anymore.

NILES

Nope.

We better go. We don't want to miss Fred's hypothesis on why dysentery happens.

I told you.

I never doubted you for a minute.

Then why was my pillow on the couch next to Chester's robe? (SMIRKS)

(LAUGHS. THEN FANS HERSELF) Why is there a fire in here? It's 65° outside!

Ambiance.

It's too warm for ambiance. I'm going to have to take something off soon.

(SMILES SEXILY) See, it's working.

(FANS HERSELF AGAIN) I mean it Niles. It's too hot in here.

Alright. I'll put it out. I thought you wanted romance. Stretch your imagination at the possibilities of a roaring fire.

(PURRS) I can stretch more than my imagination.

(EYEBROWS ARCH) I think we've had enough dancing. (TRIES TO DANCE TOWARDS THE BOUDIOR)

Wait. First recite your poem to me. (LIGHTLY TOUCHES HIS EAR WITH HER FINGERS)

(GROANS) Again?!

Pleeease. (KISSES HIM SLOWLY AND DEEPLY)

(DAZED) Okay. (BEAT) Ready?

Very.

Roses are red,
Daisies are white,
I really, really think you are out of sight.
(GRINS)

(LAUGHS AS SHE BESTOWS A SOFT KISS ON HIS LIPS) Okay hubby o' mine, I'll let you out of it this time. But I better get some reciting later tonight.

I promise it will be a performance to remember. (DIPS C.C.)