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7.1 Mood Swings
by
Abby
(STKWVR@aol.com)
INT. SHEFFIELD KITCHEN – MORNING
FRAN AND MAXWELL, DRESSED IN THEIR PAJAMAS, RUMMAGE THROUGH CARDBOARD BOXES WHICH ARE EVERYWHERE.
FRAN
Did ya find it?
MAXWELL
Sweetheart, if I found it, do you
think I'd still have my bloody head
crammed inside this box?!...Oh. Here
it is.
FRAN
Ha! |
MAXWELL EMERGES WITH A FRYING PAN. THEY BOTH STARE AT IT.
FRAN
Okay, now whadda we do?
MAXWELL
I'm trying to remember. I've seen
him do it a thousand times.
FRAN
Oh! |
FRAN GOES TO THE REFRIGERATOR AND PULLS OUT A CARTON OF EGGS.
FRAN
He starts with these, he starts with
these!
MAXWELL
Right! |
MAXWELL TAKES THE EGGS AND FRYING PAN OVER TO THE STOVE, FRAN RIGHT ON HIS HEELS.
MAXWELL
Now what?
FRAN
Uhh, uhh, I think they (EGGS) go in
there (PAN). |
MAXWELL OPENS THE CARTON AND CROWDS ALL TWELVE EGGS INTO THE FRYING PAN.
MAXWELL
Now, I turn on the gas, right?
FRAN
If you're talkin' about the stove,
it's electric. If you're not, see ya
later... |
SHE STARTS TO LEAVE. HE PULLS HER BACK.
MAXWELL
No, no, we can't give up! We have
three hungry children to feed!
FRAN
Okay, okay, calm down, Grizzly Adams.
You're getting all upset (SMUG) whilst
I have remained cool and collected
and have come up with the perfect
solution... I'll just throw on my coat,
run down to the corner deli, and pick
up a few blintzes.
MAXWELL
Sweetheart... |
FRAN GASPS AND GRABS HER CHEST.
| FRAN
OH! MY! GOD! I forgot! No corner deli!
No instant blintzes! (GRABS HIS SHIRT)
What kind of hell hole did you bring
me to?! |
HE HUGS HER TIGHT TO SOOTHE THE SAVAGE BEAST.
| MAXWELL
Now, now, darling, you're overreacting.
We're two mature adults. I'm sure, if
we just put our heads together (THEY DO)
we can find a logical solution to a
simple problem... |
INT. LIVING ROOM – A FEW MINUTES LATER
FRAN OPENS THE FRONT DOOR. NILES STANDS THERE IN HIS ROBE AND SLIPPERS, HAIR A MESS, A PEEVED FROWN ON HIS FACE...AND A SPATULA IN HIS HAND.
INT. SHEFFIELD DINING ROOM – LATER
NILES, STILL IN HIS ROBE BUT BETTER GROOMED, SERVES FRAN, MAXWELL, AND GRACE A BREAKFAST OF EGGS BENEDICT, PANCAKES, AND FRENCH TOAST. HE'S STILL A LITTLE PEEVED.
MAXWELL
Niles, this is fantastic, as usual.
It was very good of you to come over
to help out since you no longer work for us.
NILES
(SOTTO) So-who-could-tell-the-difference? I'm-over-here-every-day.
MAXWELL
What's that, Niles?
NILES
Always glad to lend a hand, sir. |
HE ROLLS HIS EYES.
FRAN
We didn't wake you up, did we?
NILES
No, not at all. Babcock and I were
just making... breakfast. But she
can handle things by herself. She's
an expert... |
INT. NILES/CC'S HOUSE
A CLOSED DOOR AT THE END OF A HALLWAY. A PIERCING VOICES CUTS THROUGH THE QUIET MORNING AMBIANCE:
| CC
(OFFSTAGE) Niiiillleess! |
INT. SHEFFIELD DINING ROOM
NILES
Well, if you don't need me any more,
my adorable, pregnant, moody little
shrew awaits...
GRACE
Awaits what?
NILES
Umm... dessert? |
HE HEADS FOR THE DOOR.
MAXWELL
Free for dinner, Niles?
NILES
(SIGHS) Yes, I suppose so, sir.
MAXWELL
No, I mean you, CC, Fran, and I. A
fancy-schmancy dinner in honor of
the wedding. We never really had a
chance to celebrate.
NILES
You mean I wouldn't have to cook?
MAXWELL
Not a crumb.
NILES
You're on!
MAXWELL
Wonderful! Let's say six o'clock?
NILES
Six it is. Bye... |
HE TRIES TO EXIT AGAIN.
MAXWELL
Oh, Niles...
NILES
(STOPS) What!... I mean what, sir?
MAXWELL
We haven't had a chance to hire a
new chauffeur...
NILES
Say no more, sir... |
HE MOPES OUT OF THE ROOM. THE TWINS START CRYING.
| GRACE
I'll go. They like me better, anyway. |
SHE EXITS.
MAXWELL
Well, darling, that certainly was a
brilliant idea, having Niles and CC
rent Les Moonves' old house. Gets me
a built-in connection. Glad I thought
of it.
FRAN
Uh, excuse me, but who's bunion was
it that throbbed, therefore indicating
a big business opportunity?
MAXWELL
Ah, but who's money was it that
secured the property on the spot?
FRAN
Okay, okay, money beats bunion. You
win. (SOTTO) Though, what you want
with a connection to that schmegegi
I'll never know. |
INT. NILES/CC'S BEDROOM
NILES AND CC LIE IN BED, TOUSLED AND EXHAUSTED. AN ALARM CLOCK READS 1:35 PM.
NILES
(OUT OF BREATH) Are we done yet, my
pet?
CC
Niles, I'm pregnant. You know what
that does to the hormones.
NILES
Yes, but I've never heard of it being
this severe before and well, I'm worn
out. |
SHE GRABS HIM ROUGHLY.
| CC
Oh, c'mon, butler boy... serve me! |
INT. SHEFFIELD LIVING ROOM
FRAN AND MAXWELL GO THROUGH SOME BOXES.
FRAN
Man, Ms. Babcock must be really testy
in her condition. Poor Niles. Didya
see how he bolted outta here?
MAXWELL
Poor Niles, my foot. That man is
having the time of his life.
FRAN
And what is THAT supposed to mean?
MAXWELL
What?
FRAN
You can't fool me. That was your maybe-
I-can-sneak-something-snide-past-Fran
tone.
MAXWELL
Well, darling, it has been ages...
FRAN
Whoa, whoa, rewind here. Who was it
that just gave birth to nine-pound
twins not a scant few weeks ago?
MAXWELL
That would be you.
FRAN
Oh. And whose body was it that had
to expel said twins like watermelons
through a nostril?
MAXWELL
You again.
FRAN
I do believe my case is closed.
MAXWELL
(SOTTO) Now if only your mouth were.
FRAN
I heard that. Oo, I suddenly feel
another week of recovery coming on. |
INT. SHEFFIELD KITCHEN
FRAN CHATS ON THE PHONE WHILE UNPACKING ANOTHER BOX.
| FRAN
Oh, Val, this is such a nightmare.
There's no deli on the corner, only
one Loehmann's--45 minutes on the
freeway--and everyone has flat hair.
Except Richard Simmons, but that's a
whole other story... And to top it off,
we have no butler and no chauffeur...
Oh, and Max and I haven't had sex since
the twins were born... Yeah, Val, I'm
totally serious. They all have flat
hair... |
SYLVIA ENTERS.
| FRAN
Gotta go, Val. Say hello to Fred...
No, for me, Val... |
SHE HANGS UP.
FRAN
Oy, add a few brain cells and ya got
driftwood. (TO SYLVIA) Sorry you can't stay in the guest house like we thought. Terrible timing on those renovations, huh? So, how was
apartment hunting?
SYLVIA
Horrendous. The only place we found
that doesn't cost an arm and a leg is
in Culver City.
FRAN
Your arm and leg or a regular person's?
SYLVIA
So I put a few pounds on after the
wedding. Sue me.
FRAN
Shhh. Don't say that too loud out
here... Where's Daddy?
SYLVIA
Circling the block. Force of habit.
FRAN
What about Yetta?
SYLVIA
We left her at Tara, sipping lemonade
at the commissary. She thinks she's
in Atlanta... |
EXT. TARA/CULVER CITY STUDIOS
Yetta sits at one of the outdoor commissary tables in the usual getup but with the addition of a tall lemonade and sun parasol. A TALL, HANDSOME ACTOR WALKS BY. YETTA GETS UP AND FOLLOWS HIM.
| YETTA
Hey, Rhett...Wanna show me the
upstairs? |
INT. SHEFFIELD KITCHEN
SYLVIA SNIFFS AT THE AIR.
FRAN SNIFFS, TOO.
FRAN
What? I don't smell anything.
SYLVIA
Exactly! Where is he?
FRAN
He's decided to take a chance and try his hand at writing instead of butlering. He's at home getting settled.
SYLVIA
What's to settle? He's got a bed
and one jacket.
FRAN
Ma, Niles and Ms. Babcock--
SYLVIA
Miss Babcock? I thought they got
married.
FRAN
They did.
SYLVIA
So what's with the Miss?
FRAN
No, Ma. Mizzz.
SYLVIA
Okay, then what's with the Babcock?
FRAN
Well, the story is... she's keeping
her name for business purposes.
SYLVIA
Baloney.
FRAN
That's what I say. It's that last
name of his. Can you imagine going
through life as CC--
SYLVIA
Ptoi, ptoi!
FRAN
Meanwhile, they're renting a house
all the way across town. |
SYLVIA GRABS HER CHEST.
SYLVIA
What are you, crazy?! He belongs here,
taking care of the family, ironing
the dishtowels, dusting the plant dirt...
FRAN
Making you raspberry crepes on demand.
SYLVIA
Yeah.
FRAN
Well, if it makes you feel any better,
I wish they were closer, too. Well,
maybe just Niles... I mean, he's my
best friend. He should be here to share
in the joy of my creating a new home.
SYLVIA
Too much work for you and Maxwell?
FRAN
Yeah.
SYLVIA
So where did you say they live?
FRAN
They're renting Les Moonves' old house
in Brentwood.
SYLVIA
Moonves, Moonves... Why does that
name ring a bell?
FRAN
He's the head of CBS?
SYLVIA
No...
FRAN
He programs Cosby every night of the
week?
SYLVIA
No...
FRAN
He treats his shows like crap?
SYLVIA
Bingo... Uh, ya think Niles and Mizzz
Babcock would like some company?
FRAN
Maaa...
SYLVIA
What? Just to say hello... |
INT. NILES/CC'S KITCHEN
SYLVIA ENTERS LIKE A CAT STALKING PREY.
| SYLVIA
Yoo-hoooo! Anybody home? |
THUMPS AND LAUGHTER WAFT THROUGH THE CEILING.
CC
(OFFSTAGE) Swine!
NILES
(OFFSTAGE) Chicken!
SYLVIA
Oy, in the middle of the day?! What
are they, animals?
CC
(OFFSTAGE) Niles, you animal! |
SHE STARTS TO LEAVE, THEN TIPTOES OVER TO THE FRIDGE.
| SYLVIA
(RE FRIDGE) What the hell is this?
There's nothing but Bosco and Reddi-
Wip in here... Oh, well... |
SHE SNAGS THE CAN OF WHIPPED CREAM AND EXITS.
INT. MAXWELL'S OFFICE
MAXWELL TALKS ON THE PHONE.
| MAXWELL
I'm sorry, my business partner's
not here this afternoon. Would it be alright if I came by the studio tomorrow?... Stage
six, that's right... See you then. |
HE HANGS UP. FRAN ENTERS, WAVING A LETTER, AND TRIES TO HOP UP INTO PERCH POSITION, BUT THE NEW DESK IS TOO HIGH!
FRAN
Ow! Now I know how Andre Agassi musta
felt dating Brooke Shields.
MAXWELL
Well, sweetheart, I could either
order a new desk or perhaps you
could wear a higher pair of heels--
if that's humanly possible.
FRAN
Or... I could just forego the desk
altogether... |
SHE HOPS ONTO HIS LAP. HE WINCES IN PAIN.
MAXWELL
Darling, you might want to practice
that, first.
FRAN
What? You're not gonna need that for
awhile anyway. |
MAXWELL SULKS. GRACE ENTERS WITH TEA SERVICE ON A TRAY.
GRACE
Okay, when are we getting' a butler? This
dual existence of servant and heiress
is giving me an identity crisis.
MAXWELL
Grace sweetheart...
GRACE
Yes, Daddy?
MAXWELL
Pour.
GRACE
Yes, Daddy... |
SHE POURS THEM ALL SOME TEA. FRAN HOPS OFF MAXWELL'S LAP AND READS THE LETTER.
FRAN
Look, we got a letter from Brighton.
It says he's having a great time and
not to worry since he's met a really
hot French girl and is spending every
spare moment with her.
GRACE
Translation: he's miserable and struck
out. Ah. All is right with the world... |
SHE SKIPS OUT OF THE ROOM.
INT. NILES/CC'S LIVING ROOM
A FEW BOXES ARE SCATTERED ABOUT BUT THE ROOM IS RELATIVELY NEAT AND ORDERLY, DECORATED WITH CC'S FORMER APARTMENT FURNITURE. NILES SNORES ON THE LEATHER COUCH, A FEATHER DUSTER DANGLING FROM HIS HAND.
DOORBELL RINGS. HE JUMPS UP AND RUNS TO THE DOOR.
| NILES
(SOTTO) No, no, no, no, no! Don't
wake her up! |
NILES THROWS THE DOOR OPEN TO FIND A GOOD-LOOKING MIDDLE-AGED BLOND MAN WITH BIG BLUE EYES AND A DEEP, VELVETY ENGLISH ACCENT.
NILES
Yes?
MAN
Hello, I have an appointment for the
housekeeping position. (RE DUSTER)
Or am I too late?
NILES
I was just tidying up. Come in. |
THE MAN ENTERS THEN OFFERS HIS HAND.
MAN
I'm Neville.
NILES
Niles.
NILES/NEVILLE
Pleasure.
|
THEY SHARE A CHUCKLE.
| CC
(OFFSTAGE) Oh, Niiiiiles... Mama
needs some more sugar! |
CC ENTERS IN HER ROBE. NILES TURNS EIGHT SHADES OF RED.
CC
There you are, Tidy Bowl--Oh... Niles,
how thoughtful. You got a stand-in. A
little kinky, but I like it!
NILES
What?... No! He's here for the
interview. (TO NEVILLE) This is my
delightfully-droll-yet-slightly-mad
wife, CC Babcock. (TO CC) This is Mr.
Neville... Neville... |
HE LOOKS TO NEVILLE FOR SOME HELP.
| NEVILLE
Just Neville... like Cher. |
NILES SHOOTS HIM A STRANGE LOOK.
INT. TWINS BEDROOM
FRAN AND MAXWELL GAZE LOVINGLY AT THE SLEEPING ANGELS.
FRAN
Look, honey, Jonah's getting a
little gray streak, just like you.
MAXWELL
No, darling, that's just some stray
talcum powder. |
HE BRUSHES OFF JONAH'S HEAD.
MAXWELL
Ah, but Eve's got your smile.
FRAN
No, sweetie, that's just gas. |
SHE FANS THE AIR. MAXWELL CHUCKLES AND PUTS HIS ARM AROUND HER.
MAXWELL
Sometimes, I still can't believe all
this is happening. Who would've
thought six years ago that we'd be
married, parents of twins, and living
in California?
FRAN
Oh, I don't know... I think there's a
few million people that saw it comin'
a mile away. |
INT. NILES/CC'S LIBRARY
NILES SITS WRITING ON A LAPTOP AT THE DESK. NEVILLE ENTERS WITH A TEA SERVICE ON TRAY.
NEVILLE
Your tea, sir.
NILES
Thank you, Neville. Is everything
working out?
NEVILLE
Well... So far as I can tell, but I'm
going to need some new cooking supplies.
NILES
Why? I have a bloody gourmet kitchen.
NEVILLE
If you say so, sir. |
CC ENTERS.
CC
Hello, hello...
NILES
Oh, no... Please. Just let me finish
this scene.
CC
Relax, Niles, I'm in a holding pattern.
But we're all out of whipped cream.
NEVILLE
(SOTTO) There's a shocker. |
CC SHOOTS HIM A LOOK.
CC
I'm going to run to the store. Has
anyone seen my coat?
NEVILLE
Yes, very shiny. Mighty Dog or Alpo? |
NILES AND CC STARE AT NEVILLE. CC CHUCKLES.
| CC
Ohhh, good one. (TO NILES) There's
something about him I like... |
CC EXITS. NEVILLE EXITS. NILES FUMES.
INT. FANCY-SCHMANCY RESTAURANT
FRAN, MAXWELL, NILES, AND CC ARE READING MENUS.
FRAN
So, are you two getting any work
done over at your house?
NILES/CC
(MUMBLING) Some/A little |
MAXWELL KICKS FRAN UNDER THE TABLE.
FRAN
Ow!--about some appetizers? I could
really go for some oysters. Y'know,
they're considered to be very potent
aphrodisiacs.
NILES/MAXWELL
No!/Sounds good.
CC
I'm going to have the sweet breads.
NILES
There's a shocker. |
HE WAITS. NO REACTION FROM CC. HE SULKS.
MAXWELL
So, old man, how's your new play
coming along?
NILES
A bit slowly... but sir, can I ask a
favor?
MAXWELL
Of course, Niles.
NILES
Well sir, could you not call me that?
MAXWELL
Call you what?
NILES
Old man, sir.
MAXWELL
Oh. Well, certainly, Niles, but on
one condition.
NILES
What's that, sir?
MAXWELL
That, in a social environment, you
not call me sir.
NILES
Whatever you say, sir... Oh, that's
gonna be a tough one.
FRAN
Yeah, same goes for me, Niles. No
more Mrs. Sheffield outside the house.
NILES
I wasn't even over Miss Fine, Miss
Fi--Mrs. Sheff--Fran. Oy... |
A WAITER APPROACHES
WAITER
May I take your drink orders?
MAXWELL
Yes, I'll have a cognac and (RE FRAN)
she'll have--
FRAN
A sloe gin fizz, light on the fizz.
CC
I'll have--
NILES
She's pregnant. She'll have water.
CC
Water?
NILES
Yes, you know, that stuff you add
to scotch. |
HE WAITS FOR A REACTION. NOTHING.
| NILES
(WHISPERS) Trollop. |
NOTHING. NOW HE LOOKS ALARMED.
CC
Oh, please, Niles, I've been getting
it from Neville all day long. I'm
not in the mood.
FRAN
That's not what Ma-- Ow! |
SHE GLARES AT MAXWELL.
INT. SHEFFIELD HOUSE
FRAN AND MAXWELL ENTER THE HOUSE. GRACE IS SITTING UP, WATCHING TV.
FRAN
Hi, sweetie, everything okay?
GRACE
Yup. But you missed Maggie's phone
call. She and Michael are going to
Singapore for a shoot.
FRAN
Oo, how exciting! She's never been
to Africa!
MAXWELL
(TO GRACE) Thank You, sweetheart,
for babysitting and for helping out
so much around here. |
HE KISSES HER forehead.
| GRACE
Oh, don't mention it. My bill will
be on your desk in the morning. |
SHE EXITS.
| FRAN
Never underestimate that one. She's
been around doctors a lot more than
the rest of us. |
MAXWELL COZIES UP TO FRAN.
MAXWELL
Those oysters were fabulous, weren't
they darling?
FRAN
Dee-licious.
MAXWELL
I think I feel the effects starting
to kick in.
FRAN
Mmmm, me, too. |
THEY KISS AND SHARE A ROMANTIC MOMENT. SUDDENLY, FRAN PULLS AWAY, GRABS HER STOMACH, PUTS HER HAND OVER HER MOUTH, AND DASHES OUT OF THE ROOM.
INT. NILES/CC'S HOUSE
NILES, DRESSED IN SILK PAJAMAS, TIPTOES UP THE HALLWAY TO A CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR AND KNOCKS SOFTLY.
| VOICE
(OFFSTAGE, MUMBLED) Come in... |
NILES ENTERS. NEVILLE SITS UP IN BED, HALF ASLEEP.
NEVILLE
Yes, sir, what is it?
NILES
You're fired. |
NILES EXITS. A MOMENT LATER, HE ENTERS THE HALLWAY WITH A TRAY OF BOSCO AND REDDI-WIP. HE KNOCKS ON ANOTHER BEDROOM DOOR.
CC
(OFFSTAGE) What!
NILES
Room service. |
THE DOOR OPENS. CC'S SOUR EXPRESSION MORPHS INTO A WICKED GRIN.
CC
Bellboy...
NILES
Brunette... |
SHE PULLS HIM INTO THE ROOM.
FADE OUT
The End
So wha'd ya think? Any good? Be sure
to post your two cents worth on the
 | 7.2 Frannie Needs A Nanny
by DreamKate
Fran discovers it's hard work to be a Mommy, and Max and CC's pilot gets rejected by the network. Max tries hard to revive his very short-lived career in TV, which seems on it's way to ending before it even begins. Charles Shaughnessy guest stars as himself. |
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