7.20 Oys in the Hood

by

Kate the Dreamer and Jennifer
(Dreamkate1@aol.com) and (jciavarella@greenville.edu)

"FRAN!!!!!" She could recognize that scream anywhere.

Fran racked her brain for what she could be in trouble for this time. "The Monet?" she wondered, "Did he see the tear?" Naw, she did a good job of painting over it with the kid's finger paint.

"FRAN!!!!!!!! Where are you?" Maxwell bellowed from bellow.

"Wait, what’s today?" She thought to herself as she flipped frantically through a nearby calendar. "Oh God, no, its, its, its, its Tuesday. I gotta get outta here," she said aloud as she rushed out of the kitchen. Tuesday, the day that the weekly Neilsen ratings come out. Fran was sure that there were some people that looked forward to seeing the ratings so that they could better judge the success of their show. Max was not one of those people.

Fran's day had been a hectic one. That happens a lot when you are the mother of five. In an attempt to kill two birds with one stone, she had taken both the twins and Yetta to the Puppet Palace. Of course, she spent twice as much time there as planned, prying Yetta away from her long conversations with the "kinda quiet old man holding the balloon strings." She had come home only to run into Ms Babcock’s wild hormone parade. God, she thought, was the family lucky she never went through those sorts of wild mood swings herself.

Now the last thing Fran wanted to see was her husband come home upset over a drop in the ratings. Fran ran up the stairs to Brighton’s room in order to hide from her husband. "B, B, Hide me, hide me."

"Uh huh sure."

At first Fran didn’t notice her son’s preoccupation with the computer sitting on his desk, but as she poked her head out from under his bed, but as she looked around and saw the computer, her interest piqued. Forgetting her whole reason for being under the bed in the first place, she got up and walked behind Brighton. "Whatcha doing?" she inquired.

The computer made a noise and a new line came up. In big blue letters it said "Foxy Chick".

"Oh, Fran, I didn’t see you there." Brighton said, glancing up, "Didn’t I hear Dad calling for you?"

"Yeah, its Tuesday."

"Oh, gotcha. Stay in here as long as you need."

"What is ‘Foxy Chick’? And just what's ‘10 feet long’?"

Brighton frantically pulled his hands up to cover the screen.

"Nothing."

Just then Max walked into the room. "Fran, didn’t you hear me calling?"

"Wha’, no, I musta missed that. Brighton here was just showing me his computer. He has a new girlfriend."

"Oh, that's nice,." Maxwell leaned in to read the text on the screen. "Er, Brighton, I think you meant 10 inches long."

"Ah, yeah dad. That’s what I meant." Brighton said, blushing.

* * *

"Maxwell, what do you mean they may preempt us for sweeps? They can’t do that. We have some great stuff coming up," said C.C., as she shoved a piece of bread into her mouth.

This wasn’t a formal meeting, but ever since the ratings had been slipping further and further, socializing in the kitchen had become business sessions for Max and CC. Fran and Niles tried their best to stay out of their spouses way as they debated strategies. Niles was constantly reminding his wife of her doctor's advice to stay away from stress, but CC couldn't help but stay involved as Maxwell's updates from the office poured in.

"Word is Mr. Sherry will replace our last two shows this month and possibly into March with specials and a mid-season replacement produced by Gregory Withers - he is Andrew Lloyd Webber’s nephew you know." Maxwell sighed loudly, "Webbers, Webbers, why does it always have to be a Webber?"

"Well, honey, what kind of show will it be?" "Its going to be a sitcom Fran, weren't you listening?" As CC began giggling after this outburst, Fran noticed where Niles had his hand.

"Oy, can’t they just wait until they get home?" Fran thought.

"It’s a comedy based on a really bad movie several years ago. All the action takes place in a hotel. I think the name of it is something like ‘Ouch’. It just sounds like a wretched program to me."

"It sure does," said Niles, who now had both hands visible. "Why would anyone want to replace such a clever, innovative, hilarious show with that type of dreck?"

"Well, Maxwell, we need to find a way to fight this. Any ideas?" CC asked.

"I just don’t know yet CC. The mood on the set is awful and the network isn’t giving us any good choices. They even cut promotions for our show. I know we need to fight it, I just don’t know the right artillery.

Just then Brighton and Gracie came in from school. Brighton headed quickly towards his room with Grace yelling after him, "Yeah, you better hurry up ‘ten feet long’. You wouldn’t want to keep ‘Hot Chick’ waiting." Grace turned to Fran, "They haven't even exchanged pictures yet, I bet she’s a man," then trotted up the stairs.

From his room you could faintly hear Brighton yelling, "Shut up Gracie. And her name is ‘Foxy Chick.’"

"I better go check on B."

"Thank you Brighton, you gave me a reason to get out of that meeting." said Fran, closing the door behind her. "Fran I don’t need a mother right now."

"What are you saying, that you don’t need me?" Fran said, frowning.

"No, no, I always need you. There are just some times where I prefer to be alone.."

"Aw, thank you honey." Fran said, perching herself at the foot of his bed.

"Uh, Fran?"

"Yes B?"

"This would be one of those times."

"Okay, okay, I can take a hint. I'll leave. Hey, where’s 'Foxy Chick'?"

"Her name is Allison, and she’s not on-line."

"So you’re just going to wait for her to show up? That's so romantic."

"Well, not exactly, I do have a life."

"Oh, well then what are you going to do?"

"I'm gonna go do some role playing in a chat room."

"Role-playing?"

"Yeah, we like to act out characters. I personally like going into the TV chat and doing different shows. They even have one for Dad's show."

"Ooh, that sounds like fun. Show me show me"

One Week Later...

Max got out of the shower and came into the bedroom with his robe on. Toweling his hair off he headed for the bed. "Fran, I had to shower alone, don’t make me go to bed alone. You know how much I hate doing that."

"Just a second, I'm doing something important, trust me."

"Yes Dear, I am sure that is true, but I am going to bed and was hoping you would join me." Maxwell said with a suggestive wink.

"Well, just a minute, I want to ask Dede something..."

"Francine Fine Sheffield, say goodnight to your friends and get in this bed."

"Ooh," Fran typing in a quick good-bye, "I love it when you order me around." Fran said, jumping into bed.

"Fran, if you were doing something constructive with that contraption, I would be able to understand. I don't even know what you do with it. I just hope you aren't ordering more crap from some site."

"It just so happens Dede's site has to do with Television."

"Fran, I don't want you getting tied up with the Internet again. Last time you got this obsessed with something I sent you to Shopaholics Anonymous. Do they even have a Internet Anonymous?"

"Sure, it meets in a chat room on-line every Thursday."

"Goodnight Fran," said Max, turning off the light.

"Goodnight Max."

"Gracie, is your father home yet?" Fran asked as the former youngest Sheffield came in to the kitchen.

"No, he's still at the studio."

"OK good," said Fran, pulling off the cake cover to reveal a laptop.

"Oy" said Gracie, as Fran plugged the phone cord into the computer, "You aren't addicted again are you?"

"No." Fran got up and peered through the door to see if anyone was coming, "Gracie, I think I've found a way to help save your father's show?"

"This isn't another pitch on how Dad should have the entire cast of The Young & The Restless guest star, is it?

"No, although" she paused, "that was a great idea." She motioned Grace towards the screen, "A few weeks ago B introduced me to this chat room that does Television role-playing. After talking for a bit I found out there is a whole chat room devoted to your father's show."

"Really?"

"Yup, wait, there's more. Not only do they have their own chat room, they also have all these web sites devoted to the show. I even found a site devoted to the show's dog!"

"Who are they, a bunch of teenagers like Brighton?"

"Well, some of them are B's age. But most of them are professionals, housewives, members of the air force, you name it. They are all joined together by their love of the show." Fran logged on-line to show Gracie some of the sites. "The really great thing is, they follow the ratings and they know the show is in trouble. They even want to help. This one person Dede, she has a petition on her site to save the show. Gracie, they have over 1,000 people signed up."

"Have they showed it to the network?"

"They've tried, but it seems the network doesn't take them seriously. So you see, I've got to help them."

"Ah, so that explains the afternoon log on sessions."

"Your father isn't too keen on me logging on, so you have to keep it a secret."

"Brighton just because it’s a weekend doesn’t mean you should stay on-line all night," said Niles, peering into Brighton’s room. It was dark, and his face was illuminated only by the screen.

"I’m not on-line, I’m writing a script for class."

"Then how come when I picked up the second line I got that modem sound?"

"Beats me, ask Fran."

Niles turned to C.C who was standing outside the door. "No luck?" asked C.C.

"Nope...I’ll have to go use the phone over in the guest house to order the pizza."

"Oh this is stupid, just give me back my mobile phone Cheese Cloth."

"Cheese Cloth?" Niles said with a smirk.

"If I give you back your phone you’ll do work, I know you."

"I’m just gonna order the pizza ding dong."

"If I was a ding dong I’d never survive this house." He said, handing her the cell phone. C.C. quickly dialed the number as she walked back towards the kitchen.

Niles wondered, if Brighton wasn’t on the second line, and Grace was talking to a friend on the main line and Maxwell had been on the business line, who was on-line. "Well, unless the twins have learned to use the computer, that only leaves one suspect," said Niles, headed towards the servant’s quarters, which since they had given up the domestic search, had been abandoned for the most part.

There he found Fran curled up with her laptop, typing away furiously.

"Is there a sale at loehmanns.com?"

Fran jumped, "My god Niles, you scared me."

"I thought you had kicked the net habit with me."

"I did, I mean...this isn’t what you think. I’m talking to fans of Maxwell’s show."

"You are?" said Niles, sitting down on the bed next to Fran.

"Yeah, we’re working on a plan to let the network know that despite what the ratings say, people are watching. I thought you and the hormone princess were ordering pizza for dinner."

"What dinner? She wants a snack while I cook."

"Us Fine women are just lucky I guess. We don’t behave strangely, you’d hardly know we were pregnant."

"Er, yeah, sure. You better finish up before anyone else tries using the second line, Grace is still on the phone."

"My god, that girl can talk for hours. I don’t know where she gets it."

"Hello sweetheart." said Maxwell, giving his wife a hello kiss that became a passionate swoop. "Where are the kids?" he asked when they came up for air.

"Ma took Gracie and Eve shopping, something about passing on the Fine Family traditions. Niles has Jonah, I think they're in the backyard."

Just then Brighton came in the door. "Aw man, get a room." said Brighton, slamming the door.

"Brighton!" Maxwell’s voice rose in anger. Fran held her hand up.

"What’s the matter B?"

Brighton’s anger immediately melted. "Allison lives in New York City."

"Who?" asked Max.

"Hot Chick," explained Fran.

"Oh, the ten foot."

"Yeah," Brighton interrupted, "that’s her. Up until yesterday we said we wouldn’t say where we lived. But then the other day we decided it couldn’t do any harm. So I told her I live in California and she told me she lives in New York City. In fact, she lives about twenty blocks from our townhouse."

"Well isn’t it a small world," Fran remarked.

"That’s no excuse for coming in here all mad and slamming the door."

"I’m sorry dad, but I’m just so upset. Why is it that I find a girl I really like in New York City when I don’t actually live there anymore?"

"Because life stinks sometimes?" pitched Max.

"I guess, it just seems like life stinks more in California."

"It’s the heat Sweetie, everyone shvitzing like crazy."

*** FlushingQueen has joined #CBSsucks

(KatieBug) Oh good, Fran is here, we can get started.

*** KatieBug sets mode +o FlushingQueen

(FlushingQueen) Sorry I’m late guys, the twins were being fussy and then of course I had to wait for Max to fall asleep.

(GilesDaButler) He still doesn’t know?

(FlushingQueen) Not a clue, and I don’t want to give him one until it’s done. Besides, something tells me we’re saving his tushie by him not knowing.

(Ritchie65) Yeah, I highly doubt the network would enjoy knowing he was plotting against them.

(Dreamer) You make it sound like treason.

(Ritchie65) Worse, it’s network politics.

(Dede411) OK, do we have the list of people who can fax?

(carolebrady) Yeah, I posted it to the listserv and I got a whole bunch of responses. Last count was 500 not including those of us here who have fax modems.

(CharlieFan) 500, geez! Go us!

(JollyJen20) The letter count has gotten so high at this point that I don’t even know the count. Defiantly above 8,000, all licked and ready to go at a send of an e-mail.

(GGLane) Too bad the e-mail campaign was a flop.

(TheKvetcher) What do you expect, you can delete e-mail at the press of a button. Just wait till we jam their mailroom with all our letters! "It’s gonna be a blood bath!"

(FlushingQueen) I love how you guys use quotes from the show. I don’t think the writers themselves know as much as you.

(CharlieFan) Thanks to Fran we have the better addresses and numbers to send the letters to, and we know how to address it to get attention.

(KatieBug) I just hope this works. I think if they preempt the show it’s gonna put a hole in a sinking ship. We’ll never be able to get the ratings back up if it’s not even on the air.

(FlushingQueen) I could use a week with Max without having him worry about the success of the show. I’d just hate to see the show fail after he’s put so much effort into it.

(JollyJen20) Don’t worry Fran, not if we can help it!!

(TheKvetcher) Stupid ratings system, how can they expect one person to show the viewing habits of thousands of people!!

(GGLane) This just HAS to work. I love this show so much! Especially the butler and the business partner.

(CharlieFan) We all know how you feel about the butler GG. *grin*

(GGLane) You should talk Gutter pal.

(CharlieFan) I only have one thing to say, "and that’s the reason why I have a office and you clean it." Charlie & Karen rule!

(KatieBug) OK OK, we all know who the GG/Giles fans are and who the Charlie/Karen Fans are. We can’t bicker, if we don’t get our tushies into gear, all four of those characters are going to be history.

(JollyJen20) Katie’s right, snap out of it guys.

(TheKvetcher) I still say G.G. should get together with Charlie.

(Dreamer) Here we go again...

(Dede411) OK, genuge already guys! This isn’t the time for those old flames.

(FlushingQueen) Dede: are you Jewish?

(Dede411) Hardly, I’m Christian. But I picked up a few Yiddish phrases from the show. Which believe me, sound even funnier in Spanish.

(FlushingQueen) You’re not in America?

(Dede411) Nope, I’m from Venezuela. A lot of the fans are from The States, but not all.

(GGLane) Norway here

(TheKvetcher) Aussie Jew in the house!

(CharlieFan) I’m from plain old Chicago.

(KatieBug) New York Jew here

(JollyJen20) I’m in Brooklyn, but I’m pure Catholic.

(FlushingQueen) That’s pretty amazing.

(KatieBug) The best part is, we would have never met if it hadn’t been for the show. Jen and I hang out all the time in real life, but we met here on the ‘net.

(Dede411) The Kvetcher over there, also known as Becca, she helps me with my English. She’s a professor. In turn I’m helping her learn how to cook South American food.

(GGLane) Nancy, er, CharlieFan and I, we love to argue. I’m actually in law school and she’s a full fledged lawyer. So we sit for hours and debate.

(KatieBug) Gee, Giles and Ritchie are silent...

(GilesDaButler) Did you want us to say anything? ;-)

(JollyJen20) Well you guys are awfully silent *splash*

(GilesDaButler) Get your mind out of the gutter young lady *grin*

(TheKvetcher) Giles and Ritchie are dating.

(FlushingQueen) oh really?

(GGLane) You’re such a yenta Becca. I think Giles is a lil’ shy cause he’s the only guy here 2nite.

(FlushingQueen) So you guys live near each other?

(Ritchie65) Not quite, I live in Seattle.

(GilesDaButler) And I live in London.

(FlushingQueen) You’re kidding!!

(Ritchie65) Nope, wish I was *sigh*

(FlushingQueen) And all you guys met because you loved the show.

(KatieBug) Exactly, we prolly never would have otherwise. I mean, I’m just a 22 year old grad student.

(Dede411) I"m a 35 year old nurse with two kids.

(TheKvetcher) I’m the baby here, I’m just 14 years old, the same age as the youngest on the show. She’s my favourite character.

(KatieBug) I don’t understand how they could cancel such a great show.

(Ritchie65) Figures, I remember when they first put on Star Trek and cancelled it after a short run...oy, I’m dating myself.

(GilesDaButler) Even you can do better than you ;-)

(Dede411) Break out the quotes ladies and gents *big grin*

(FlushingQueen) Oy, I gotta go. It’s already two am. Max’ll be missin me soon.

(TheKvetcher) Woohoo, now we can roleplay.

(TheKvetcher) Er, I mean bye Fran.

(KatieBug) LOL, excuse her, she's the baby.

(TheKvetcher) Goo goo :oP

(Dede411) Hey, we're friggin rolemodels. Bye Fran.

(FlushingQueen) Bye everyone, Dede, I’ll be e-mailing ya

*** FlushingQueen has left the #CBSsucks

"You wanted to see me Mr. Sherry?" said Max, peering into his bosses' office.

"Yes Max, come in." Max walked into the office and sat down precariously in one of the chairs opposite the desk. Suddenly Maxwell got a flashback from the headmaster's office at Eton. After a few moments which felt like an eternity, Mr. Sherry spoke. "Maxwell, do you know what those are?" He said, gesturing to the far side of his office.

Max turned and found himself faced with a mountain of mailbags. "Um, letters?"

"That's right, actually to be precise there are Eight thousand, seven hundred and forty two letters."

Maxwell feared the worst, "Hate mail?"

For a moment Mr. Sherry's stern face was silent, then suddenly he broke out in laughter. "Fan mail Maxwell, Fan mail!!! They all want us to keep the show on the air!"

"Are you kidding?"

"Not at all my boy, They also sent faxes. Hell, they broke my fax machine!" Mr. Sherry buzzed to Brigitte to bring in some champagne. "Things are looking up my boy," Mr. Sherry said, dipping into the nearest mailbag like it was money and pulling out a pile of letters.

"We have a fan base!" Maxwell said, bounding through the front door. He didn’t even stop to take his coat off as he tossed his briefcase on the table.

"Really?" said Fran, glancing up from the couch and trying her best to sound shocked.

Maxwell eyed her suspiciously. "Why do I have a funny feeling you have something to do with this?"

"Moi?" Fran said with an impish grin.

"You did have something to do with this didn’t you?"

"Maybe, " said Fran, pulling the laptop from behind the couch cushion.

She opened up the case and logged on to a site.

"Oys in the Hood? What’s that?"

"That, my darling husband, is the name of the Internet campaign to save your show."

"You’re kidding."

"Nope, B helped me design it. We organized everything from this site, where to send the letters, everything."

"Baby, you’re the greatest," Maxwell said, picking Fran off the couch and swooping her into a deep kiss.

"FRAN!!!!!" she could recognize that scream anywhere. "Not again!" OK, I know I haven’t done any property damage this week. Maybe he found out I called NBC under his name to find out what’s going to happen to the real Hope and Stephano on Days and who’s the father of her baby..."

"FRAN!!!!!!!! Where are you?"

"Wait, what’s today?" she thought to herself. "Oh God, it’s Tuesday, again. I swear this day comes way more than four times a month." She said dashing upstairs.

"B, can I hide out in your room?"

"Dad’s home?"

"Basically."

Just then Maxwell walked in. "Fran, if you’re gonna try hiding from me you should really start changing your hiding spot."

"Was that one of the babies crying?" Fran said, cocking her ear.

"Nice try, Grace is with them in the nursery."

Brighton glared at his parents with a not so subtle ‘I’m-trying-to-work-here’ look.

"Sweetie, I know it’s Tuesday but..." said Fran, leading Max back out into the hallway. "We went up to a six share!" exclaimed Maxwell

"That’s good right?"

"Good, it’s great. It means we’re on the rise. And the best part is Mr. Sherry has decided not to preempt the show for sweeps after all!"

"That’s great Sweetie."

Maxwell grabbed Fran by the waist and swung her around, "And I owe it all you my Darling." He said pulling her in for a kiss.

"Hey, you produced a great show, I just helped connect the fans to the right people."

"Well, we’re not out of the dark just yet. We still have a long way to go. But this is definitely on the right track."

"I can’t believe how many sites are dedicated to the show." said Max, sitting down with the laptop.

"Wait, I gotta show you the site dedicated to the dog."

So wha'd ya think? Any good? Be sure
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7.21 A Crazy Little Thing Called Love by Jen It's Valentine's Day at the Sheffield Estate and yet all is in disarray. Gracie is torn between two dates, Niles is trying desperately to romance his very pregnant wife and Fran wants another baby!!! What's Maxwell to do?

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