Hi all, Fran Sheffield here! For this episode, the gang and I decided
to pay homage to the plays of yesteryear and do it all in verse, but
without all those funny costumes. Can you imagine me in a corset and all
those layers of clothes? Although one night, to surprise Max I did put
on this amazing.... (Maxwell: Fran!)...uh, I'll tell you all that story later.
But for now, sit back and enjoy!

Narrated by Peter Marc Jacobson 

~~~~~~

Niles
CC, please put that file down and try to relax!

CC
Relax? I've too much to do, too much to fax.

Niles
You're due to give birth and you should know...

CC
This baby isn't coming out, it's far too slow,
It's because of your genes, that's my guess.

Niles
Better than the Babcock's genes - you're all repressed!

CC
We just know when to keep it in,
Unlike the usual Fine family din.

Niles
They just like to yell and holler,
But as soon as the food is done, it's a bet...

CC
...that they put Maxwell totally in debt!
That family is a never-ending vacuum
Borrowing this and swallowing that,
I tell you they're a bunch of alley cats.

Niles
Lay down here and do as I say,
You're so huge, this is probably the day.

CC
Don't you remember what the Doctor said?
The baby hasn't dropped, I don't need to lay in bed.

Niles
Maybe so, but I'm quite sure,
Working hard is not the cure,
So kindly sit your tuchus down,
And refrain from juggling like a clown,
You're always on the phone or getting paged,
Reading a script or watching it staged,
We haven't had a chance to discuss...

CC
Why must you fret and always fuss?
Everything is fine, you were there, you heard,
Doctor Pomeranz, himself, gave us his word,
The baby isn't coming out today,
I've got things to do, I cannot stay.

Niles
There goes that woman of mine as I fear,
She thinks I diatribe, she will not hear,
But what can I do, I've been duly cursed,
I did promise, for better or worse.

Fran
Niles who are you talking to, you're all alone,
Unless someone is on the speaker phone?

Niles
No, just me thinking out loud,
That woman of mine will never be cowed,
Although right now she does resemble a Guernsey... 

Fran
And if she heard that you'd be kicked to New Jersey!

Niles
Yes, too bad she isn't around,
I really feel like putting her down.

Fran
Well, whatever, I'm not here to kvetch,
I won't rant or rave or even retch,
All I need is your accompanying hand,
To help me get ready for Disneyland.

Niles
Oh, that's right - I forgot about the trip...

Fran
And Max managed to give me the slip,
The twins are ready, diaper bag packed,
The engine is on and everyone snacked,
Where do you think their father is at?

Niles
Well, the doorbell did ring a few minutes past,
And then he pushed by me fairly fast,
I believe whoever was there, he needed to see,
I was going to investigate, but I'm not nosy, not me.

Fran
Eh heh, he told you to stay away, right?

Niles
Yes, he did, what an annoying plight!

Fran
We really need to hurry to get to that place,
So could you tell Brighton and also Grace?
An early morning start - ha, what a joke!
I knew that hubby of mine misspoke.
By the way Niles, where is your wife?

Niles
I don't know, she should be here causing me strife,
When it comes to business, she has poor defenses,
You'd think being pregnant, she'd come to her senses..

Maxwell
Ah - there you are Fran, come on we must hurry,
We're running behind, mustn't pause nor tarry.

Fran
Now it's my fault, I ask you?!
Look at me, my hair is all askew.
I did everything possible while you were out...

Maxwell
Oh sweetheart, please, please don't pout,
I'm sorry, I'm done and ready to do my duty,
And as always amazed at your ravishing beauty,
Your loveliness is something to behold,
For lyrics and sonnets and odes.

Fran
Aw, sweetie - you always know what to say,
You're forgiven, besides it's Disney day!
I've been looking forward to the Magic Kingdom,
Tomorrowland, Fantasyland, I'm all numb!
Can you imagine all the fun?!

Maxwell
I thought we're going for the children and their delight,
Mickey, Minnie, Tinkerbell's flight?

Fran
Oh yeah, of course, that's what I meant,
For memories and our kids' enjoyment,
So let's go already since you agree,
Time to be off to see Donald and Goofy.

Maxwell
Alright Fran but before I stride,
I need to take this old boy aside,.
Niles, there's an important script that was made,
With a guest director that I easily swayed,
To do an episode for us is the news,
You've got to tell CC that I choose,
And the prior one written will be dumped...

Niles
Oh sir, you know how she will grump!
When I bring it up, CC will vehemently protest,
It doesn't matter that I do it at your behest,
She is not in a gentle disposition...

Maxwell
I'm sorry but I can't tell her about the proposition.
In fact it's a done deal, all the papers are signed,
Everything is set, she'll be surprised to find,
That I have pulled off a ratings coup...

Fran
Sorry to interrupt, but Jonah just pooped.
And it's your turn so don't try to flee,
And treat this like some conspiracy.

Maxwell
I saw that Niles, I saw you smirk!
Soon you'll be doing diaper work.
In fact, where is your wife old man?

Niles
Who knows, giving birth is not her plan.

Fran
You know, we women can't do it just like *that,*
You men seem to think that we have some knack,
But it's the baby who gives the cue,
And then she'll give birth without further ado.

Niles
You make it sound so easy, but may I remind,
How you yelled and shrieked and undermined,
Our wedding vows that were said in such haste...

Fran
Hey, that's wasn't my decision, I was bent at the waist!
Niles, will you sit and just calm down,
Before you know it, she'll be in a hospital gown,
Why don't you follow her, to ease your mind?

Niles
Quite easy to locate her, with that fat behind,
No, I'm kidding as you well know,
A bit annoyed with that darn TV show,
Lamaze classes with her was a sight to behold,
Breathing practices and Network execs cajoled,
Doing the two was a walk through the park,
And I was amazed at my blue-blooded shark,
But if only she would stop and learn to relax,
Soon we can greet our little income tax.

Fran
I'll say it before and I'll say it again,
You can't treat CC like some farmer's brood hen,
Although recently one night I heard some schmucks,
Give a number of giggles and quite a few clucks,
It sort of sounded like a couple of chickens...

Niles
No, you overheard me reading Charles Dickens,
I'm calm now as you can see,
You've convinced me to locate my wife absentee,
As you and your family enjoy Small World,
You may come back to a banner unfurled,
Proclaiming us the proud parents of,
a bonny boy or girl from her labor of love.

Maxwell
Time for us to leave, don't forget to have CC sign,
All those important documents at the bottom line,
I placed it there on the foyer for her,
Now I'm taking Fran, the kids and the chauffeur.

Niles
Fine with me, the doctor did say,
CC will not be laboring at all today,
So no celebratory bottle of French champagne...

CC
Oh god, where the hell is everyone - I'm in pain! 
It hurts, it hurts, I'm going to explode,
Call me a doctor or a midwife - you toad!

Niles
Is this another one of your sick jokes?
Because if it is, I don't have time for this hoax.

CC
A joke? You ass! Come here and help,
It's time! I'm giving birth to your butler whelp!

Niles
Okay, stay calm - I can handle this!
We wrote everything down - I need the list!
I have to call Dr. Pomeranz and let him know,
That your water just broke and I'm no Jacque Cousteau!

CC
We'll call him in the limo - go get the car!
Good thing the hospital isn't too far.

Niles
Um...CC, don't fret or give me the eye,
Let go of my throat and I'll explain why,
Sylvia has the town car, the limo is gone,
I'll call a cab before you spawn.

Val
Hi Ms. Babcock, you look well.

CC
Just what I need two morons and one brain cell!
Niiiles - we need to leave now!

Niles
Okay, I hear you - stop yelling at me, you sow!
We can't go until the cab arrives...

Fred
Wow, she's all red and getting hives!

Niles
Val, your car! Is it parked outside?

Val
Yeah, why Niles, do ya need a quick ride?

CC
Yes, you dunce! Can't you see?!
I need to get to a hospital most expediently!
Niiiles the pain is getting intensive,
Get me to that hospital, no time to be apprehensive.

Niles
Right! Val, you drive - I'll be in the back with C.C.
Fred, hurry and get in before I throw you bodily!
The hospital is a few blocks down and then make a left,
What's with the hammer and cowbells?...

Val

CC
Niles, we better get there on time for your sake,
If I end up giving birth in here I will break,
Each one of your fingers and probably your nose,
In short, a single parent family is what I propose,
I can't believe I listened to Nanny Fine's advice,
I feel like I rolled the dice and crapped out twice!
What are you grinning about, you're such a beast!
Sitting there laughing and not helping me the least.

Niles
Calm down, relax! Stop giving way to violent emotion...

CC
Easy for you to say, you have no notion,
Of this execrable pain that will be my undoing...

Niles
That's what Lamaze was for, so stop your mooing!
CC, I know you're in pain and I'm sorry to chide,
I'm worried about you and I'm trying to hide,
That you and our child are whom I revere...

CC
I really believe you are most sincere,
But right now my main objective and goal,
Is to get there in one piece - look out - POLE!

Val
Whoopsy - daisy! That dog came from no where...

CC
Next time mow it down like a hare!
Niles you should be driving like I said,
We won't get there in one piece with this dunderhead.

Fred
Hey, stop criticizing my wife!

CC
I'd back off right now, if you value your life!

Niles
I wish we could call and let everyone know,
So they can meet us there and not miss the show.

CC
Show! I'm not a staged act, you buffoon,
And the last thing I need is that Nanny loon,
To smile and kvell, and prance about,
Or their bratty kids and that British lout!

Niles
That's the pain talking, I'm quite aware,
You know you really want them all to be there.

CC
You're right Niles I was being insincere,
I would like them all to be right here,
Then we'd be in the limo and not this heap,
And I'd be in the hospital, drugged and asleep!

Niles
That reminds me of a saying from a wise sage...

Fred
You know what the problem is - it's her age,

CC
Val, I'm warning you - muzzle your spouse,
Or pretty soon he'll sound like a cartoon mouse.

Fred
Ha - you can't reach me and make me talk like Mick...

Niles
Wow, CC - that was one impressive kick!
Now try to relax and stop your spite,
Are we almost there Val - we haven't all night?!

Val
Yeah, you said a few blocks and then turn right.

Niles
Left, I said - oh, what have you done?
At this rate, I'll be delivering my daughter or son!
Stop the car and turn about,
I really need a strong drink of ale or stout.

Fred
(Moaning is heard as his chair creaked),
Why don't you call Mr. and Mrs. Sheffield?(he painfully squeaked).

Niles
Because we haven't a phone and neither do you...

Val
A cell phone? Yeah, we got it new,
It was one of our gifts, when we were wed,
We got it from my favorite, Uncle Ned.

CC
Is this a real one, or two cans and a string?

Val
He's a Juicy-O winner, ka-ching, ka-ching!

Fred
Uncle Ned was the hundredth customer at a grocery store,
Aunt Sally sent him there to buy some more,
My family can't get enough, it's like no other...

Val
Mmm...kiwi, strawberry and peanut butter.

CC
Niles - quick! I want that phone...

Niles
Val, hand it over to quiet this crone,
Ouch! CC, you know I said that with loving affection,
Be still and breathe, my darling imperfection.

Val
It's in the glove compartment - Fred would you mind?
Ya need to grab the window handle....now unwind,
Pull it off and then use it to pry,
There you go - my Mr. Universe guy!

Fred
Yep, I'm strong because of these vitamins...

CC
Idiot! That's a box of Junior Mints!

Niles
(On the phone.)
Hello Fran, something fantastic just occurred!
CC is ready, yes, you have my word,
Fred is navigating, Val is driving,
Haven't had a chance for any high-fiving,
Right now we're in a bit of a bind,
With these two with us it's like the blind leading the blind,
It feels like we've been on a 3 hour tour...

CC
With fuzzy dice and a backseat of velour,
Stop that infernal singing and turn on the fan!

Val/Fred
(off-key, heads together)....the Professor and MaryAnn,
Here on Giligan's Isle!

CC
That's it, I think I taste bile.
I'm being punished for my temerity,
Scoffing at red kettles, never giving to charity,
Upon my word, I do solemnly vow,
To change my ways, just un-lose us somehow.

Fred
Hey! Look, over there - a big, white building!
And isn't that a gurney those two guys are wielding?

Niles
We're there at the hospital, it can't be denied,
Open the door, so I can take out my bride,
Find a wheelchair, I can't bear her weight,
She's almost the size of New York state.

Fran
(A plaintive squeal is heard as they made their way),
We're heading on over! EEE EEE - right away!

Fred
Next time we see ya, you won't be fat.

Val
Good luck Ms. Babcock and Niles, you too!
Oy, I think I'm gonna cry...

Fred

Val
Okay, buy a beautiful bouquet while you're there,
So we can present it to their heir.

Dr. Pomeranz
CC, what a surprise, what can I say?
Your child is like you, he doesn't obey,
Or she for that matter since you two chose to be surprised,
And right now Niles, I heartily advise,
That you change into scrubs and join me in a few...

Niles
Yes, I can see she's ready to spew.

CC
As you two talk calmly, may I broach?
I'm having a baby here! (she yells with self-approach).

Dr. Pomeratz
Ah, yes. Nurse wheel her in and prepare the mom-to-be,
And soon we'll join you two quite hurriedly,
CC don't frown, it will be alright,
Since this is your child, it'll put up a fight,
So many years I've delivered Babcock babies,
And time and time again they're born with unease,
Something about your line, obnoxious and stubborn...

Niles
That's something I figured out and learned.
(Takes CC's hands.) I'll be with you the whole time lover,
And before you know it, it will soon be over,
I need to sign some papers and clear admission,
So silence your fears and your worst suspicions.

CC
Niles don't leave me alone long or you will miss...

Niles
I will miss nothing, now give me a kiss.
You know our time together hasn't been all together unpleasant,
And soon we'll both receive the best ever present,
Now go with the nurse, like you ought,
And I'll be there before a moment's thought.

Maxwell
Niles there you are! Did we arrive in time?
We turned around rather quickly, and pulled off a crime,
Sped past cars, Fran was most insistent,
And luckily the green lights were quite consistent.

Fran
Niles - look who's also here, surprise!

Niles
(He turned around and rolled his eyes).
Hello BB, are you in the right place?

BB
I most certainly am, I left post haste,
If my daughter insists on having this child,
I promise I'll accept it, (her tone meek and mild).

Stuart
Niles, my son-in-law - do you take delight,
(Claps his shoulder soundly.) At this surprising sight?
BB promised me she won't be vicious,
She'll smile with pearly whites and be most judicious.

Niles
Thank you sir, how did you pull off such a deed?

Stuart
She needs me to head a business and supersede, 
Another company from overtaking her boon, 
Without me she'd be a pauper by noon,
(Calls out) Noel - I'm glad you could beat,
The traffic is atrocious, now our family's complete!

Noel
Hello Father, hello Mum - and Niles, I must confide,
Surprise that CC agreed to your proposal and complied,
She confessed her affections most tender,
As much as a Babcock could engender.

Niles
Yes, I suppose I lost my senses when I fell,
Beneath your sister's infatuating spell.
We are happy to be together and not alone,
I don't know what I would do without that crone.

Noel
I understand, (he answers with a grin),
Despite that temper, she gets under one's skin.
Is DD also going to be able to attend?

Stuart
No, her plastic surgeon says she's still on the mend.

Niles
Thank you all for being here - it means so much,
And when I tell CC, I'm sure she'll also be touched,
(He winks at the children and gives Fran a hug),
(Turns around and with heels he stoically dug),
I'll let you know what happens (he calls),
(And with nervous agitation, he almost falls).

Dr. Pomeranz
CC, it's too late for drugs, now lay on your back...

CC
But I need them, it hurts, you stupid quack!
Niiiles, where are you - get in here you lout!
I'm not suppose to be alone when this baby comes out.

Niles
I'm right here now, so stop your braying, 
And commence with your infernal chicken egg laying.

Dr. Pomeratz
You two are the strangest couple I've ever seen,
Instead of kindness, you show love by being mean.

CC
Astute observation, but as you can see,
I don't need a therapist - get this baby out of me!

Fran
Excuse me...

CC

CC
If we have plans for the baby to be a soda jerk!
Will this nightmare ever end, I ask,
I am so not ready for this task.

Dr. Pomeranz 
Just puff in rhythm like you learned...

Niles
And soon, my pet, you'll be dewormed.

Fran
Niles, that's your baby you just insulted!

Niles
I'm not thinking right...

Fran

Niles
All this pacing has given me a blister.
And as the hour comes closer I sadly fear,
I'm not ready to be a father, that is most clear.

Fran
It's too late for that, you did the deed,
And you can't leave CC in her hour of need,
You'll be a wonderful dad that you can trust...

CC
Get over here - you pile of dust!
For all this pain you've inflicted you will atone,
Just watch what happens when I get you alone!

Niles
Ahh CC, my darling, that's what I needed to hear,
For awhile there, I trembled and stood in fear,
But your words of love is what I needed,
To wipe the perspiration that gathered and beaded.

Fran (to Dr. Pomeranz)
That worked?! I wonder if I'll ever understand their actions,

Dr. Pomeranz (to Fran)
Tell me, do they belong to some cult or factions?
Look at them now as they cuddle and coo...

Oh CC, it looks like it's time to bid adieu,
To your term of pregnancy is at an end,
Lift up now and push and bend.

Niles
CC, I feel teary-eyed as I find,
We're finally inflicting our child upon human kind,
I've been blind I know, but now I clearly see,
You'll make the most imperfect Mommy and I, the most perfect Daddy,
(Niles says with a wink, a chuckle and a grin),
(And then CC screamed forth and raised quite a din.)

Fran
Who would have thought with all those years of scorn,
The happy result is a sweet baby to be born?

Dr. Pomeranz
CC, you're doing great, don't despair,
Soon you and Niles will undergo a moment rare,
The experience of birth is like no other...

Niles
And I truly believe you'll be a great mother.

CC
Okay, I'm pushing, but if this pain hasn't subsided,
Niles will feel the same amount of ache, I've decided.

Dr. Pomeranz
Alright, here it comes! I see the head!
Push real hard and hold tightly to the bed,
The shoulders are sliding right on out,
And I'm here to exclaim you two are about,
To become the proud and happy parents of,
A child to adore, take care of and love.

Fran
Oh my god, I can't believe it! How adorable - how cute!

CC
Niles, did you bring the Adolfo - the baby's first business suit?
Look how small the baby's hands are, tiny fingers, little toes...

Niles
And barely a squall was heard, almost ready to doze,
CC, you have made me so happy, before my life was in such despair,
Then you entered it and at once I truly had a care,
To belittle and insult you is a joy to behold,
And now I have you and a baby in my life to enfold.

Fran
That is so be-u-ti-ful, I'm going to cry,

Niles
Fran, can you hold off and go out and reply,
To the questions our family in the hall wants to know,
And tell them about the event, blow by blow?

Fran
Gotcha! You three want to be alone,
And before you know it, the doc, nurse and I will have flown,
Out the door, you won't be mistaken,
I see that you and CC are still quite shaken,
(Fran steps out, she was quite clever),
(Her eyes spy Max and a famous director),
(Spontaneously running over, she was no coward),
Oh my god, oh my god - it's Ron Howard!

Ron
(The famous actor/director turned around to see),
(Who was screaming at him quite nasally).

Fran
Do Opie! Do Opie! (she hollered, very fazed),
No, do Ritchie, do Ritchie from Happy Days!

Max
And this crazy head of hair is my wife Fran,
(Maxwell sighed as he began to introduce the famous man),
Ron has agreed to direct an episode of our show,
I was hoping you wouldn't find out, but now that you know,
Please try to contain your delight and see,
That this doesn't end in another catastrophe,
Because somehow that always happens when you're about,
And I need this episode to work without a doubt.

Fran
Honey - trust me, I know before I wasn't proficient,
But now I'm a wife and a mom, which is more than sufficient,
To keep me busy and out of most trouble,
And also, I have great news to say on the double!
Just a few minutes ago, CC gave birth,
A baby of theirs upon our mother earth!

(The family ran in - in an unorganized row),
(All curiosities piqued and wanting to know),
(The gender of the baby and the name that was bestowed).

Niles
(He grinned all around as he passed everyone a drink),
(And smiled fondly at his new family, three hearts in a link),
Thank you everyone for being here and sharing this day,
Please lift up your glasses as I am proud to say,
My lovely CC and I gave married life a whirl,
And now we're overjoyed parents of a beautiful baby girl!
So raise your glasses as this toast I will pose,
And welcome to our lives, lovely Emily Rose!

(The room filled with many a hug and a congratulation),
(As CC and Niles smiled at the new adulation).

Niles
Do you think now that you're a mom, you will be more docile?

CC
Not a chance in hell, you old dinosaur fossil.

Nurse
I'm sorry to break up the party, but I have to insist,
I have regulations to follow, it's all on the list,
So everyone, skedaddle, go on - scoot!
Don't try to bribe me with any loot.

Maxwell
Congratulations CC, way to go old man...

Fran
Another angel to join our loving clan.

Nurse
I'll need the baby for a moment so I can weigh and measure...

CC
I'm not ready to give up my bonny little treasure.

Nurse
(Lifting her up, the baby became unsettled),

Emily Rose
(She let out a shriek and became quite nettled).

Niles
It looks like our beautiful little doll,
Is full of impudence and more than a touch of gall,
(He took their baby back from the Nurse),

CC
It's time for you to leave - go on, disperse!

Niles
Well, we did it, it wasn't too tough...

CC
Easy for you to say, I had it rough.
Now that everyone is gone come give me a kiss,
Your affections towards me has been quite remiss.

Niles
Oh, it has not, I want it duly noted,
That this husband of yours has been truly devoted,
(He placed Emily Rose on her little bed),
(The couple kissed and cuddled, loving words unsaid),
(Their passion again began to consume),
(Enjoying the intimacy of their private room).

Yetta
Oy, the walls in this hotel are very thin!
(She pokes her head through the paper curtain and exclaims with chagrin).
Not you two again? Wherever we are,
It seems that you two are not very far.
First Home Depot, now this hotel room...

CC
We're not in a hotel, Yetta - this isn't a costume.

Yetta
It's not? I thought you and Neal were playing games,
It's even more fun when you change names.
Isn't that right Rhett? (she yells aside)

Sammy
You are so right Scarlet! (He yells back with pride).

Yetta
I gotta go, don't want Tara to subside.

Niles
And how are you doing, my precious Jekyll and Hyde?

CC
Blissful is the only word to describe me right now,
I have no desire for a meeting or a stooge to kowtow.
I just want to relax and enjoy you and Emily Rose...

Niles
Are you sure there's not another one in there, the Doc might have misdiagnosed?
It will be marvelous to have a daughter and a son,
First thing on the agenda is to start what we almost begun...

CC
Another baby, right now, right away?
Only if men will be giving birth in the Y2K!

The End

(Mamie & Laura - you two are quite a pair,
Whenever I need help, you both are always there!)

And a special thank you to everyone who participated
in the Name and Gender poll!

Jennifer Joy (J.J.) Lauren Danielle Victoria Jane Morgan Michelle (M.M.) Emily Rose	36 48 42 30 60
Christopher James (C.J.) Adam Spencer Daniel Laurence Jonathan James (J.J) Trevor Jacob (T.J.)	74 20 51 37 23
Boy Girl	69 156

So wha'd ya think? Any good? Be sure
to post your two cents worth on the 

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