GRACE

Fran? Dad?

GRACE

Anyone?

BRIGHTON

(MOTIONING TO THE ENTOURAGE) Look, it's babies on parade.

FRAN

(TO GRACE) What is it sweetie?

GRACE

(EXCITED) The theatre club has finally decided what performance to do for the spring play!

MAXWELL

(PLACING EVE IN A HIGH CHAIR) What did the club decide on?

GRACE

(POURING JUICE) Well, we kept fighting over what to do. There are so many great shows out there. Finally we decided on a musical review.

MAXWELL

I remember when C.C. and I used to argue over what plays to produce.

GRACE

How did you guys settle it?

MAXWELL

Usually through tears. (STRUGGLING TO OPEN JAR OF BABY FOOD)

FRAN

Ms. Babcock cried?

MAXWELL

No, I'd cry until she'd let my ear go (RUBS EAR) Her nails are sharp.

GRACE

Well, we had a vote. Actually originally they wanted to do a salute to Andrew Lloyd Webber (BEAT)

GRACE (CONT'D)

But I talked them out of it.

MAXWELL

(BEAMING) That's my girl! (HITS JAR ON TABLE)

FRAN

(HANDING JONAH TO GRACE.) So what part are you gonna try out for Gracie?

GRACE

Oh gosh, I have no idea. It's so hard to be self critical. I guess I'll just practice all the parts and let our drama teacher Mr. Posner decide. Dad, can I borrow your sheet music?

MAXWELL

Sure sweetheart. Niles, would you show her where they are?

MAXWELL (CONT'D)

It's hard to believe just seven short years ago Grace was in therapy for being an extreme introvert. And now look at us, I'm doing Television and she's inherited my love of the theatre.

FRAN

Hey, a lot can happen in seven years. Thank goodness some things stay the same.

MAXWELL

Like what?

FRAN

For one, I'm still 29.

FRAN

You know, I wish I had been more active in the drama club when we were in High School. But I was just so busy with other extra curriculars, remember Val?

GRACE

(SINGING AND PRANCING ACROSS THE ROOM) Beauty School drop-out, no graduation day for you...

FRAN

(BEAMING RE: GRACE) Good girl, (TO VAL) Isn't she something? (TO GRACE) Honey, would you go get my copy of 'The First Five Months' ?

C.C.

(FRUSTRATED) I feel ridiculous. She just won't eat. Who made up this stupid feeding rule? We have to carry it, we have to feed it? What do the men have to do?

VAL

(SHOCKED) Ms. Babcock, you mean you don't know?

C.C.

(ROLLS EYES) My chest is swelled up, I have a tiny person in my arms who cries every five minutes and yet refuses eat. Don't worry Val, I remember who to blame.

C.C. (CONT'D)

Speak of the devil.

NILES

How's it going?

C.C.

Not well, I'm offering it, but she won't take it!

NILES

(SMIRKS) Some things you just can't even give away.

NILES (CONT'D)

Kidding.

C.C.

(IMITATING NILES) Funny, funny, funny.

FRAN

Your wife's having a bit of a feeding problem with the Littlest Babcock.

NILES

What's wrong?

NILES

What can I do to help?

C.C.

(DEAD PAN) Grow breasts.

NILES

(THEN) What's your second choice?

C.C.

Um...(BEAT) pie?

NILES

It's cooling in our kitchen

MAXWELL

(RE: GRACE'S SINGING) She's really good isn't she? You should see her room, she has sheet music everywhere. Grease, The Sound of Music, Guys & Dolls (BEAT) Makes me sort of miss New York.

FRAN

Aw Honey (PICKING UP EVE) I know. I sorta do too. But we're not doing so bad here in La La land.

MAXWELL

No, we're not.

NILES

Fran, I was thinking of taking Emmy to the park so that C.C. can get some rest. Do you want to come along?

FRAN

Sure Niles, let me just pack a diaper bag. (TO MAX, OFF HIS LOOK) You gonna be okay?

MAXWELL

(SNAPPING OUT OF HIS DAZE) Oh, yes, sure. By all means Darling, go to the park with Niles. I have a ton of paperwork to get through anyway.

FRAN

We should be back around four.

FRAN

(CALLS OFF) Evie sweetie, we don't put sand in our mouths.

NILES

So what happened was Hope got bitten by a poisonous spider and now Stephano is nursing her back to health.

FRAN

(SHOCKED) Noo, really? What about all he's done to Hope's family?

NILES

She's stuck with him in the dungeon, what choice does she have. Besides, she has her unborn child to think about.

FRAN

(NODS) True (THEN) Ooh! (SPOTTING VENDOR) , I'm gonna go get a salted pretzel. Watch the twins would ya?

NILES

What's wrong little one? (SHIFTS ROCKING) (BEAT) I know what'll cheer you up. (SINGING) You are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy, when skies are grey...

NILES (CONT'D)

(SINGING) You never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away.

PETER FRANKLIN

I'm sorry but I couldn't help overhearing your singing...

NILES

Sorry, I'll try to keep my voice down...

PETER FRANKLIN

No, no, allow me to introduce myself. (EXTENDS HAND) My name is Peter Franklin.

NILES

Oh wait (BEAT) You're Peter Franklin the Broadway Producer.

PETER FRANKLIN

That's right. I'm surprised you know me, people in LA usually don't know you unless you do film or television.

NILES

I'm from New York. We just moved out here.

PETER FRANKLIN

Ah, that explains it. Listen I'm impressed by your voice. You're really talented.

NILES

(BLUSHING) Well, I don't know about that...

PETER FRANKLIN

(STEAM-ROLLING) Nonsense, I know talent when I hear it. In fact, I'm producing a new play back in New York. Have you heard of Hirson?

NILES

Um...

PETER FRANKLIN

I would love to cast you as the father in his new production. I will of course pay for your flight and your wife's.

NILES

(SHOCKED) I'm afraid I'm at a loss for words.

PETER FRANKLIN

Try "Sure Peter."

NILES

Mr. Franklin...

PETER FRANKLIN

Call me Peter. Listen, what's your name?

NILES

My name is Niles...

PETER FRANKLIN

(INTERRUPTING) Your last name doesn't matter, we'll probably have to change it anyway. What do you say, do we have a deal?

NILES

I don't think I can...

PETER FRANKLIN

(HOLDING UP HIS HAND IN PROTEST) I'll be in California for another two days. My hotel number is on the back of my card. Think it over.

FRAN

(BITING INTO A PRETZEL) Who was that?

NILES

(OFF IN SPACE, STILL IN A BIT OF SHOCK) Oh, nobody. (LOOKS AT WATCH) We should start heading home.

FRAN

Gracie?

GRACE

(TURNING AROUND) Oh hi, I'm ready to go.

FRAN

(GLANCING AROUND) Gee everything looks great. I don't think I've been here since we visited in September.

MR. POSNER

Hello, you must be Grace's mother. (HANDSHAKE) Now I see where Grace gets her classic features.

GRACE

(POKER-FACED) Fran is my step-mother.

MR. POSNER

Oh...well...

FRAN

(SHOCKED AT GRACE'S CURTNESS) Oh yeah (BEAT) Of course I'm way too young to be her mother. (NERVOUS LAUGH)

MR. POSNER

(RE: FRAN'S LAUGHTER) Oh yes, of course (LAUGHS) A pleasure to meet you Mrs. Sheffield. Grace, I'll see you at tomorrow's rehearsal.

FRAN

Woah nellie, where the heck did that come from?

FRAN (CONT'D)

You have your father's stubborn way of holding in your emotions. (BEAT) Well, you'll tell me when you're ready. Right now we have to get home so I can relieve your father on baby detail.

C.C.

(WHINING) I don't understand how Nanny Fine can deal with two of these things at once. One is plenty for me.

NILES

Thing?

C.C.

You know the baby (REALIZING) Emily. (BEAT) Niles, you know I love her, it's just...hell, it took us six years for you to call me C.C. Even Maxwell was still calling Nanny Fine...

C.C.

(OFF NILES' LOOK) Fran, well it took Maxwell six years to call her by her first name, you gotta give me time. (THEN) Do you think she'll sleep?

NILES

We'll, she's asleep currently. How long that will last, I have no idea.

C.C.

I don't know why human beings are born so helpless. It doesn't seem very efficient.

NILES

(CHUCKLING) Would you prefer to give birth to a one hundred pound teenager who can sleep through the night?

C.C.

One word, ouch!

NILES

Anyway my little...

FRAN

(ON PHONE) I don't even know where that came from. All of a sudden Gracie became all defensive. I decided not to push, I mean, I'm not the meddling type. (BEAT) No, I couldn't find her diary, I think she changed her hiding spot.

FRAN (CONT'D)

I'm gonna go Val, I'll talk to you later. ok bye.

FRAN (CONT'D)

(FLIRTATIOUS) Hi Hubby.

MAXWELL

What happened with Grace at school?

FRAN

(SURPRISED) You heard me on the phone?

FRAN (CONT'D)

From the shower?

MAXWELL

Darling, your voice does tend to carry.

FRAN

Well, when I went to go pick up Gracie at school today her drama teacher mistook me for her mother.

MAXWELL

So?

FRAN

Yeah, I didn't think it was a big deal either, until Grace got defensive about it and felt the need to tell her teacher I was her stepmother.

MAXWELL

That's odd, Grace adores you. Maybe she's just going through a phase.

FRAN

Maybe...

MAXWELL

We're not letting this go are we?

MAXWELL (CONT"D)

We're going to go in there right now and confront her about it?

FRAN

(KNOCKING ON THE DOOR) Gracie sweetie, are you still up?

GRACE

(MEEKLY) Yeah

FRAN

Sweetie, we need to talk about what happened today at school...

GRACE

I would but um, (YAWN) I'm really sleepy and...

GRACE (CONT'D)

What was that?

FRAN

Grace, remember who taught you that trick...

MAXWELL

Wait (HOLDS UP HIS HAND) I heard it too. Grace, Fran, you stay here.

MAXWELL (CONT'D)

Don't do that, you scared me half to death.(THEN) Go back to Grace's room.

MAXWELL (CONT'D)

I mean it Fran, I don't want you to get hurt.

FRAN

Honey, the macho routine is very sexy and all (BEAT) but I'm going with you downstairs.

MAXWELL

(WHISPERING) I need something I can use as a weapon.

MAXWELL

Don't move!! I have a (LOOKS AT THE SLIPPER) um, and I'm not afraid to (THEN) Niles?

NILES

Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you.

FRAN

(RE: BROKEN GLASS) What happened?

NILES

(FLUSTERED) Well I was going to get a cup for some tea and then I knocked it on the floor. I went to get the broom from the closet and well that fell too.

FRAN

OK, what's wrong?

NILES

Nothing, I just wanted some tea.

NILES

Really I (THEN) I saw Peter Franklin in the park today.

MAXWELL

Who? (GRABS A SPOON FROM FRAN'S HAND AND DIGS INTO THE CARTON) Wait, as in Broadway Producer Peter Franklin?

NILES

(SIGH) The very same.

MAXWELL

Well that's nice, did you say hello?

NILES

Well, actually he approached me. I was singing to Emily and...

FRAN

He asked you to stop because his ears were bleeding?

FRAN (CONT'D)

What, that never happened to you?

MAXWELL

Anyway, So what happened Niles?

NILES

He offered me a part in a play.

FRAN

That's great!

NILES

In New York.

FRAN

Oy, that's not great?

MAXWELL

Did you talk to CC about this?

NILES

Well I started to, but then she was just so exhausted (GRABS SPOON FROM FRAN AND PLOPS INTO A CHAIR THEN) Well, it doesn't matter anyway, because I turned down his offer. I've got a life here, you guys are here, the show is here, I've finally got those bratty kids at the A&P to show me some respect...

FRAN

So then if you are so okay with all this, why are you ransacking our kitchen in the middle of the night to get tea when you have a perfectly good kettle in your own house?

NILES

Um, I plead the fifth?

FRAN

You could plead the tenth if you wanted to...

MAXWELL

Okay okay, it's late. Niles, help yourself to whatever tea you want, we're going to bed.

FRAN

But Max...

MAX

(POINTING TO THE DOOR) Bed!

FRAN

Oooh, I love it when you order me around. (SKIPS OUT THE DOOR)

SYLVIA

(COVERING HER EYES) Where's Evie? Where's Evie?

FRAN

Don't let Eve have that Ma, that's one habit I'll be glad to avoid.

SYLVIA

I wasn't gonna let her have it, I know that would be wrong (BEAT) I mean, she's my granddaughter and I love her to death (THEN) But this is Hershey.

FRAN

So Ma, I don't know what to do about Grace. She comes home from school and avoids me completely. Every time I try to ask her about what happened at school she changes the subject.

SYLVIA

I don't know what to tell you dear, what did you do when Maggie or Brighton got like this.

FRAN

That's just it Ma, they didn't. Grace has always been so different from them. Maggie was fine once I got her on the right track. I mean, she was an empty slate. Brighton just needed a steady female figure that didn't leave him and would stand up to all his mishigas. But Grace (BEAT) Grace is so chockfull of complications I don't even know where to begin sometimes.

SYLVIA

Sweetheart, all you can do is love her and hope it will turn out okay in the end. She'll talk to you when she's ready.

FRAN

What did you do when me or Nay didn't talk to you to get your mind off it?

SYLVIA

I watched Soaps. Great way to get your mind off what's troubling you. Why do you think we got that second TV when you started High School?

YETTA

(TO JONAH) Say inebriated, say inebriated!

SYLVIA

Ma, why are you trying to teach him that word.

YETTA

We have a pool going over who can make one of our grandkids say that.

FRAN

(Taking Jonah from Yetta) YETTA!

YETTA

What, it could be worse. The other word was..."

FRAN

Yetta! I wouldn't even want my oldest child saying that

Yetta

(DEAD PAN) What word?

GRACE

FRAN! GUESS WHAT GUESS WHAT??

FRAN

Calm down sweetie, what is it?

GRACE

Well (BEAT) Wait, where's Dad?

GRACE

I got the part, I got the part!

MAXWELL

That's great Grace! I'm so proud of you (THEY HUG)

FRAN

That's wonderful, but Sweetie, what part?

GRACE

Adelaide, in our Guys & Dolls tribute

FRAN

You mean the one with the voice?

GRACE

Yes! Mr. Posner said I did the best nasal whine of anyone!

FRAN

Wonder where you picked that up.

GRACE

Well, I'm gonna...um...go play with the twins.

FRAN

Hold it right there. Grace, I'm very proud of you getting this part, but that doesn't explain you avoiding me for the past few days.

MAXWELL

That's right, I think you owe Fran some sort of explanation.

FRAN

If you're embarrassed about having me as your mother (VOICE SQUEAKS WITH EMOTION) you should have told me. There was no need to embarrass me in front of your drama teacher.

GRACE

It's not that.

MAXWELL

Then explain Grace.

GRACE

I love you Fran, with all my heart. I couldn't think of a better person to be my mother. But, you aren't my mother. (TURNS TO MAXWELL) I was so little when Mom died, and memories disappear more each day. I feel like all I have left of her is a faded picture and the word, "mom."

FRAN

(UNDERSTANDING) And calling me mom, or anyone else calling me mom takes that away....

GRACE

Exactly. I never had to deal with that before because back in New York everyone knew Fran wasn't my mom. Now...I'm so sorry Fran.

FRAN

(EMBRACING GRACE) I love you with all my heart, no matter what label you put on me. Tell ya what, why don't I just be your youthful-I'm-too-young-to-be-a-fifteen-year-olds-mother step mother. You'll have your memories, I'll have my youth, and your father will be known as a cradle robber (FLASHES A BIG GRIN) See, everyone's happy.

GRACE

I love you Fran (THEY HUG) I'm gonna go call Maggie and tell her about my part.

MAXWELL

Okay honey, and tell your sister I'll call her tonight.

GRACE

(SINGING) A person, could develop a cold...

MAXWELL

She is something isn't she (BEAT) You're sure you're okay with this?

FRAN

Hey, how many kids do we have?

MAXWELL

Five

FRAN

How many labours did I have to go through?

MAXWELL

One

FRAN

(GRIN) Then I'd say I'm the happiest woman alive.

MAXWELL

What would I ever do without you?

FRAN

Well for one, you'd still have the left side of the bed.

FRAN

Grace, when will you be home?

GRACE

(ENGROSSED IN HER PHILOSOPHY BOOK) When is such a subjective question Fran.

MAXWELL

Grace, it isn't nice to read at the table. (THEN) Niles, where's my paper?

MAXWELL

Oooh, the Broadway failures made front page of the Arts & Leisure section this year. Boy, I don't miss that. (THEN) Hey, Franklin's new play closed. Well gee, that's too bad. Hey Niles, I guess you..

MAXWELL (CONT'D)

Um, uh, I guess you....didn't read the paper yet today.

FRAN

(GIGGLING ASIDE TO GRACE) Nice save.

MAXWELL

Well anyway, lets see who else got the...(JUMPING UP FROM HIS SEAT) OH DEAR GOD IN HEAVEN!!

FRAN

What? what?

C.C.

Maxwell geez, you're giving me a headache and if you wake the baby I'm gonna....

MAXWELL

(READING ARTICLE HEADLINE) 'Howls of Sadness as 'Cats' Uses It's Last Life'

C.C.

(JUMPS UP AND GRABS THE PAPER FROM MAXWELL) NO WAY!!!

C.C.

Aw Jesus!

C.C. (CONT'D)

"Cats" has used up it's nine lives. The smash musical, which is Broadway's longest running production ever, is set to close its doors after nearly 18 years and $385 million in ticket sales.

MAXWELL

Yes, yes, get to the good part.

C.C.

Oh, let's see. (SKIMMING DOWN THE PAGE) Ninety two billion worldwide yadda yadda yadda Seven Tony awards blah blah blah. Here it is, The Andrew Lloyd Webber hit will go dark at the Winter Garden Theatre on June 25th , after an astounding 7, 397 performances, officials for the show confirmed.

MAXWELL

YES!

C.C.

YES!

GRACE

(COMING UP FROM HER BOOK AGAIN) You know Daddy, you really shouldn't judge yourself based on others. You'll develop a performance co-dependency.

FRAN

Uh yeah, what she said. Besides honey, (TAKING A BITE) you're a big macah TV producer now.

MAXWELL

Yes, well, (THEN) That's right! But it's still nice to gloat. (THEN) Come on Grace, if you want I can drop you off at school on my way to work.

GRACE

Sure Daddy, lemme just run upstairs and grab my things.

C.C.

(TAKING EMILY, WHO HAS QUIETED DOWN, FROM NILES) I'm gonna go call a few choice people in New York and rub the news in.

FRAN

Tell Mr. Webber's secretary I say hi.

MAXWELL

I'll go bring the car up front, tell Grace I'll meet her outside.

FRAN

I better get these monsters cleaned up. (GRABS THE TWINS AND DRAGS THEM UPSTAIRS)

NILES

Hirson's play , Wrong Mountain, can only be described as being before it's time. A witty script, it was first workshopped out west at the Conservatory. The plays fault seems to lie in it's casting. The producer, Peter Franklin of 'The Monster' fame, was quoted as saying 'if only we had found a better lead who could have carried the show past the critical eyes' (VOICE DRIFTS OFF)