7.32 Feeling Hot Hot Hot
by
Sabine Clement
(sabine.clement@vrt.be)
COLD OPENING
FADE IN:
EXT. SHEFFIELD GARDEN - DAY
FRAN AND VAL EACH LOUNGE BACK IN A BEACH CHAIR, BASKING IN THE SUN. BOTH ARE CLAD IN BRIGHT BIKINI'S AND TRENDY SUNGLASSES. VAL HOLDS A SMALL, BATTERY-RUN FAN CLOSE TO HER FACE.
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FRAN (SITTING UP) Aw, this sun is stinging. I think I need an umbrella here. |
SHE GRABS NEXT TO HER CHAIR AND PRODUCES A FRUITY TALL DRINK, DECORATED WITH A MINIATURE UMBRELLA. VAL DOES THE SAME.
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FRAN (CONT'D) Ya want some crushed ice there, Val? VAL Please. |
FRAN OPENS THE COOLER NEXT TO HER CHAIR AND GETS THE ICE OUT. VAL ACCEPTS IT AND NONCHALANTLY DEPOSITS THE ICE DOWN HER BATHING SUIT.
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VAL (CONT'D) Can you believe how hot it is? Ya'd think LA's in the middle of a desert! |
FRAN THROWS HER A LOOK, THEN LEANS BACK OVER THE COOLER.
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FRAN (RE: THE COLD WAFT) Ooh, this feels good. (CHECKING THE BOX) Still, not quite cutting it. I need an emergency cool-off. |
AS FRAN DIGS OUT A CANISTER OF HÄÄGEN DASZ, C.C. JOINS THE SUN WORSHIPPERS. COMPLETELY OUT OF CHARACTER, SHE LOOKS ABSOLUTELY RADIANT, DRESSED IN A CASUAL T-SHIRT WHICH READS 'CALIFORNIA SUNSHINE', BALANCING BABY EMILY ON HER HIP.
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C.C. Oh, isn't this a brilliant day? Nobody in his right mind should be working with this weather. (TO FRAN) Where's Maxwell? |
FRAN THROWS HER A "CAN'T YA GUESS?" LOOK.
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FRAN Inside. Shutting out the weather, so he can work. C.C. (SHRUGS) Well, it's his loss. I have no intention of locking myself up with him. (REALIZES, LAUGHS) My, things do change, don't they? |
SHE LIFTS EMILY HIGH UP IN THE AIR. THEY BOTH GIGGLE WITH DELIGHT.
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C.C. (CONT'D) I'm taking this little sunshine for a dip in the pool. Tata, girls! |
C.C. LEAVES FOR THE POOL. FRAN AND VAL FOLLOW HER WITH THEIR EYES, WONDER ETCHED ON THEIR FACES.
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FRAN Boy, aren't those postnatal mood swings scary? (SHUDDERS) VAL Very. It used to drive me nuts for years. (A LOVING LOOK APPEARS ON HER FACE) But now Freddie squishes a few good shots of Dristan up each of my nostrils, and that's the end of it. (THINKS) Maybe I should send him over to her. FRAN Post-natal, Val, not post-nasal! VAL (DISAPPOINTED) Oh. (BRIGHTENING) Although, knowing Freddie, he probably has something for that, too! FRAN Yeah, if only he had something for workaholics. (SIGHS) Sometimes, I wish we'd neva shot that pilot and that this whole sitcom thing hadn't happened. |
VAL LOOKS AT HER IN SHOCK.
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VAL You shot a pilot? FRAN Well, yeah. That's what the network bases their decision upon to see if ya get to make a series. VAL Yes, but shooting a pilot... (KNOWINGLY) Film business is a real maffia. |
SUDDENLY, THERE'S A PAINFUL YELP (OFF-SCREEN)
NILES APPEARS IN VIEW, RUBBING HIS HEAD, A COCONUT IN HIS HAND. HE IS COMPLETELY ILL-DRESSED, WEARING A SPEEDO AND BLACK KNEE SOCKS WITH SANDALS - AND A FACIAL EXPRESSION WHICH INDICATES STORM.
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NILES (STILL RUBBING) Whose bright idea was it to plant palm trees in the garden? VAL Ooh, fresh coconut! NILES (TOSSING HER THE COCONUT) Here. Knock yourself out. |
HE STALKS OFF TOWARD THE HOUSE.
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FRAN Oy, is he in a bad mood! VAL I'll say. Who doesn't like coconut? (stares helplessly at the one in her hand) Have ya got a hammer, Fran? |
AS FRAN GETS UP, SYLVIA APPEARS OUT OF NOWHERE.
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SYLVIA (RE: THE HÄÄGEN DASZ CAN FRAN STILL HAS IN HER HANDS) Here, let me take this, then. FRAN Ma? Where did you come from? SYLVIA Darling... That's vanilla fudge, no? (OFF FRAN'S LOOK) Don't look at me, it's in our heritage. (LICKING THE ICE CREAM FROM THE CANISTER'S LID) We're dessert people. |
FADE OUT.
ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
FADE IN:
INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER
NILES STANDS ON TOP OF THE COUNTER AND FIDDLES WITH THE FIRE SPRINKLER SYSTEM. FRAN ENTERS.
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FRAN Hiya Niles, what's cooking? NILES (ANNOYED) Nothing. But if you're hungry, just toss an egg on the sidewalk. It'll be done in no time in this heat. (TO SPRINKLERS) Oh, are you a sprinkler system, or what? Then sprinkle! FRAN Ya okay, Niles? NILES (SIGHS) It's this weather. (LOOKS UP AT THE SPRINKLER) We British are used to having gloomy skies continually drizzling water onto our heads. Why do you think we wear bowlers and have umbrellas dangling from our arms? FRAN I don't see no hat or umbrella. NILES They're there in spirit. |
FRAN HELPS NILES DOWN ONTO THE FLOOR.
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FRAN (CHECKING HIS ODDLY MATCHED 'SUMMER' ATTIRE) Ah-hah... And so is the tuxedo, I assume? NILES At least in New York, you could still go through summer with dignity, instead of having to wear swimming trunks to stay cool. FRAN Yeah well, wearin' a Speedo in New York at this time of year would get ya something other than cooled down alright. It'd get ya arrested. (GLANCING AT NILES' ATTIRE AGAIN) Where are those Beverly Hill Cops when ya need 'em... Meanwhile, the weather seems to suit C.C. just fine. NILES Oh, you know her. Feels right at home when the temperature approaches hell. |
SUDDENLY, HIS ANNOYANCE IS REPLACED BY SADNESS, AND HE PUTS HIS HEAD DOWN ON THE COUNTER.
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NILES (CONT'D) But it's not home to me-eeh. How am I supposed to survive in this climate? FRAN Aw, Niles, ya have to adapt! Make the negatives into positives! Sure, I can't wear my fun fur snow leopard skirt with the matching thigh high suede boots, but I get to expand on a whole new side of my wardrobe. NILES And still, I like New York better... FRAN Aw, honey, I miss New York, too. I spent my whole life there! Sure, ya can't just dismiss all those... well, not so many years. But, ya can make all new memories here. NILES I don't want to have memories. I want to be remembered. FRAN There ya go! Dontcha know how much star potential you have? And LA's just the place for it! NILES Really? FRAN Sure! I mean, you can cook, you can bake. All ya have to do is enroll for the Pillsbury Bake-off! |
SHE STARTS PICKING GRAPES FROM THE FRUIT BOWL.
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NILES Yes, that's something I'd want on my tomb stone. "Here lies Niles, the Pillsbury Doughboy". (THEN) I'm such a failure. FRAN Ah-hah. Ya know, a year ago, you woulda made a pretty convincin' argument. But now, ya got yourself a wife, a kid, and you only scrub toilets as a diversion. So what are you complainin' about? |
NILES MOANS.
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FRAN (CONT'D) Besides, Niles, we are famous, we're the inspiration behind a hit TV series! Think of it, me, the nanny! NILES Hmpf. And it doesn't bother you that this is second-hand fame? FRAN Wha' d' ya mean? NILES We should be the stars. We have to see how our lifes and personalities are adopted by a bunch of actors, while they run off with the name and fame and free food. |
FRAN HAS STOPPED EATING, HOLDING A GRAPE STILL IN MID-AIR. HER EXPRESSION CHANGES AS NILES' ARGUMENT SINKS IN.
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NILES (CONT'D) They're the ones portrayed in glossies. They're the ones invited to star parties. They're the ones who get to wear designer clothes. (LOOKING UP) And I bet they have a better sprinkler system, too. |
WITH THAT, HE STEAMS TO THE FREEZER, TAKES OUT A PACKAGE OF FROZEN VEGGIES AND HOLDS IT TO HIS HEAD. FRAN'S LEFT DUMBFOUNDED.
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FRAN Now you're making a pretty convincin' argument... |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
EXT. SHEFFIELD GARDEN - THAT AFTERNOON
MAXWELL, MAURY AND BRIGITTE HAVE A CONFERENCE IN THE GARDEN. MAXWELL IS WEARING SHORTS AND A SHORT-SLEEVED SHIRT, SUNGLASSES PERCHED ON HIS NOSE. MAURY READS FROM A FOLDER.
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MAURY (TURNING A PAGE) Right. Next up, advertisement. Like I said before, the finale makes an excellent vehicle for some product placement. MAXWELL (HESITANT) I don't know, Maury. I'd feel like we were selling out the show. MAURY We're not selling out, we're selling. Never underestimate the power of sponsors. (OFF MAXWELL'S UNHAPPY LOOK) Come on, Sheffield, you may as well face it. In this business, it's money that does the talking. BRIGITTE (THROWS HER HAIR BACK) And hey, we are listening. MAXWELL But it's a family show. MAURY Of course, my man! We won't throw the Kodak moments out of the series! BRIGITTE (SMILING SWEETLY) Or the Hallmark moments. MAXWELL I'm still not convinced... BRIGITTE Max, hon, I understand your reasoning. After all, you yourself are tied to Cambridge demographic, whereas most folks out there just aren't as gifted as you are. |
MAXWELL THROWS HER A THANKFUL SMILE
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BRIGITTE (CONT'D) Which also means that those folks respond to different things than you do. (SHE SEDUCTIVELY SLIDES ONE LEG ALONGSIDE THE OTHER) Most of 'em just prefer a long-legged blonde over Einstein. (BATS HER EYES AT HIM) Now, would that be a sin? MAXWELL (SCRAPES HIS THROAT) Er, no, er... Of course not. BRIGITTE So, who are we to deny them a pair of legs, just because they're clad in a pair of Hanes? MAXWELL Yes, I... I see what you mean. Can't just think, myself.... Uh, just think of myself. |
FRAN APPEARS WITH A TRAY FILLED WITH GLASSES AND A BOTTLE OF PERRIER WATER.
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FRAN (CHEERFUL) Refreshments, anyone? (EYES MAXWELL) Honey, ya got that whole Charlie Brown thing goin' on again. (OFF HIS NON-COMPREHENDING LOOK) Yer face's all flushed. MAXWELL Oh, yes, it's been a hot... debate, so far. FRAN (CONT'D) Ah-hah. So, are ya guys makin' progress? BRIGITTE (SIZING UP MAXWELL) We were, until you barged in. FRAN (EYEING BRIGITTE) Well, I'm sorry I couldn't get Niles to do the butlering, he says he ain't comin' out as long as the sun's up. (RE: PLATTER) So, feel free to help yourself. (THEN, TO BRIGITTE) To the Perrier, that is. MAURY Kah-tching! Hah, what did I tell you, Sheffield? Product placement! Did you see how naturally she worked that in? FRAN Haha! Yep, I'm a pro. (TO MAXWELL, ASIDE) What did I do? MAXWELL Undermine my authority. FRAN Oh. (THEN) You mean, he actually listens to what I say? |
SHE TURNS TO MAURY.
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FRAN (CONT'D) Lemme tell ya what the show needs. More guest stars. MAXWELL Yes, darling, so you get to meet them. FRAN No, because big names attracts press and viewers. Free publicity and reaching new audiences, what more could ya wish for? (ASIDE) That I get to meet 'em, is just a perk. MAXWELL Fran... MAURY No, wait, Maxwell. Your wife maybe onto something. MAXWELL (RUBBING HIS FOREHEAD) She's always onto something... That's when the trouble begins. BRIGITTE Oh, come now, Max. I bet a man like you enjoys a little trouble every now and then. |
MAXWELL TURNS ALL RED AGAIN.
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FRAN Max, honey, I hope you're usin' protection? (PAUSES) With the heat being generated here, ya could get a serious sunburn. MAXWELL Fran, I appreciate your concern, but this unscheduled ten-minute-break, which miraculously started at the time you appeared, is over, and we have to get back to work. Besides, there's no need for you to worry. About anything. (HE LOOKS AT HER INTENTLY) I'm a man, and men tend to have a thicker skin than women do. BRIGITTE (TO FRAN) Yes, better run inside, doll, before your beautiful milk-white legs go sour. |
FRAN, WHO WAS JUST STANDING BEHIND BRIGITTE'S CHAIR, THROWS HER A VERY DARK LOOK. THEN, SHE 'ACCIDENTILY' SPILLS SOME OF HER DRINK ON BRIGITTE'S PERM. BRIGITTE SHRIEKS.
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FRAN (INSINCERE) Oops, sorry. (TO MAXWELL) I guess you're right, honey. My skin isn't all that thick. |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
INT. BEDROOM - THAT NIGHT
MAXWELL AND FRAN ARE IN BED. SHORT MOANS ARE HEARD. AFTER A FEW SECONDS, FRAN SITS UP.
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FRAN (ANNOYED) Are ya gonna keep that up all night? |
SHE SWITCHES ON THE BEDSIDE TABLE LAMP.
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MAXWELL (YELPING) The sheets hurt. FRAN Oh, so my big masculine man is being hurt by the sheets? |
MAXWELL SITS UP STRAIGHT, SO THE SHEETS FALL BACK. HE'S BARE-CHESTED, AND WE SEE HOW HIS LOWER ARMS AND FACE ARE BEET-RED, LEAVING THE OUTLINES OF HIS T-SHIRT AND SUNGLASSES. IT IS A RIDICULOUS SIGHT.
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FRAN (SURPRESSING HER LAUGHTER) Aw, sweetie, you're a true work of art. And I'm not talking sculpture. (GIGGLES) MAXWELL (GRITTING HIS TEETH) Yes, 'portrait in red and white'. FRAN Maybe I could just paint in the missing parts? (LAUGHS, THEN THINKS) Actually, that's not such a bad idea. |
SHE EXITS TO THE BATHROOM, AND RETURNS WITH AN AFTER SUN SPRAY AND A SELF-TANNING CREAM FOR THE STILL WHITE PARTS. SHE BEGINS SMEARING HIM, AND MAXWELL'S PAINFUL EXPRESSION SOFTENS.
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FRAN Meanwhile, we had 'Snow Days' in New York, couldn't ya have taken like a 'Sun Day' in LA? The heat even cut through to C.C.'s core. MAXWELL You mean, take the day off? Don't you realize what day it is today? FRAN Er, no. May one...(THINKS HARD, THEN SNAPS HER FINGERS) Oh, it's Labor Day, in England! Aw, honey, you musta been living in the US for too long, as Labor Day is a day off of work... MAXWELL (SHAKING HIS HEAD) May one, the first day of the final sweeps month? How could I sit back and enjoy the weather? |
HE YELPS AS FRAN TOUCHES A BADLY SUNBURNED SPOT.
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FRAN By listening to my advice and using Copper Tone next time. MAXWELL Ouch, careful! (SIGHS) Okay, you win. I should have listened. FRAN So, does this mean you'll listen to my advice about guest stars too, now? Roll over. |
MAXWELL LIES DOWN ON HIS STOMACH, SO FRAN CAN WORK ON HIS BACK NOW. HIS ANSWER COMES MUFFLED.
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FRAN (CONT'D) Er, I didn't quite get that. But before ya repeat it, let me point out you're at my mercy here. MAXWELL Fran, you've met a few dozen stars before, and you always created a scene. Need I remind you of Margot 'Mole' Lane? Elton 'Yoohoo!' John? Elizabeth 'Black Pearls' Taylor? FRAN Meanwhile, ya got a whole lot of episodes out of it, and I didn't hear ya complain about that, "Mister-We-still-need-a-plot-for next-week's-episode!" MAXWELL (GIVING IN) Okay, I admit, your 'resourcefulness' pays off in the show. (PLAYFULLY, TURNS ONTO HIS BACK AGAIN) But still, that doesn't give you a free ticket to acting without thinking first. I mean, what you did with my mother, scaling that wall... (LAUGHS AT THE MEMORY) FRAN (STILL MIFFED) Like you're always so smart. (SARCASTIC) Ooh, I know, why not make an episode in which Charles Fields gets a terrible sunburn, because he didn't listen to his nanny's wise advice? MAXWELL (STILL PLAYFUL) And then his sexy nanny can 'shmear' all of her boss's body and things heat up between them? Hmm, there are possibilities. |
FRAN DOESN'T IMMEDIATELY REGISTER WHAT HE SAYS.
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FRAN And then she can... Sexy nanny? |
MAXWELL SMILES AT HER.
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FRAN (CONT'D) Hmpf. (GIVING IN) I'm still angry at you, though. |
SHE KISSES HIM.
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MAXWELL (TASTING HIS LIPS) Definitely possibilities. |
NOW FRAN LAUGHS.
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FRAN Oh, people should just know how those plots come about! |
THEN, HER MOUTH FALLS OPEN AND HER EYES OPEN WIDE.
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FRAN (CONT'D) Max! That's it! 'People' should just know! Can't we do some 'behind the scenes' story in People, or something? Now, that would be some promotion! Or... (EYES WIDE) Ooh, ya think we could do Letterman? |
MAXWELL STARES AT HER.
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FRAN (CONT'D) Aw, honey, I just know the audience will love such an inside story. I know I would! I mean, look at it, I am the show's inspiration! They're living off my life! You're living off my life! |
NILES' VOICE COMES CRACKING OVER THE INTERCOM.
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NILES Uh, and off mine too... Sir. In case you need a third man for Letterman. MAXWELL Niles? (SARCASTIC) Of course. If anyone can provide a behind-the-scenes story, it'd certainly be you. Now, move away from the intercom. NILES May I remind you that me and the intercom inspired several very funny scenes? |
MAXWELL SLAMS OFF THE INTERCOM AND RETURNS TO FRAN.
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MAXWELL (THINKS) You know, you may be onto something... FRAN I'm always onto something. (GRINS AND WINKS) That's when the trouble begins! |
SHE THROWS HERSELF AT HIM WITH A GROWL.
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MAXWELL Ou-ouch! (THEN) Oooo... |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE FOUR
EXT. SHEFFIELD GARDEN - SOME DAYS LATER
THE TWINS ARE PLAYING NEXT TO A TELETUBBIES BLOW UP POOL. SUDDENLY, NILES BARGES IN.
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NILES Tiiiiiimber!! |
HE JUMPS INTO THE KIDDIE POOL AND THE WATER SPLASHES OVER THE EDGE, ONTO THE KIDS. THE TODDLERS SPUTTER AND SHAKE THE WATER OFF OF THEM.
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JONAH (V.O) Wha... what was that? |
THE TWO OF THEM STUDY THE WHITE, HAIRY LEGS DANGLING OVER THE POOL'S EDGE.
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EVE (V.O) White, fuzzy,... Ooh, ya think it's the fifth Teletubby? JONAH (V.O) Oh, Eve... There are only four of them. EVE (V.O) Hah. And since when can you count? |
JONAH SULKS.
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EVE (CONT'D) (V.O) I'm telling ya, there's a fifth. The big White One, 'Shamu'. I read about him in TV World. JONAH (V.O) Oh yeah? And since when can you read? EVE (V.O) Pfah! Since when do ya think you can win an argument?! |
JONAH CAN'T THINK OF AN IMMEDIATE RESPONSE AND HAS ALL 'MAXWELL FROWNS' ETCHED IN HIS FOREHEAD. EVE FLASHES A WICKED, VICTORIOUS GRIN. FOR A MOMENT, SHE LOOKS REMARKABLY LIKE FRAN.
ANGLE ON: FRAN AND MAXWELL ARE SITTING AT THE PICNIC TABLE NOT FAR FROM THE KIDDIE POOL - IN THE SHADE OF AN UMBRELLA THIS TIME.
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MAXWELL (RE: NILES IN THE KIDDIE POOL) I have the impression Niles isn't handling the heat very well. FRAN Hmmm... MAXWELL Hmmm? FRAN Yeah, the heat, too. He says he can't handle the desert, that he prefers New York. MAXWELL But, that is... not what you think. FRAN (SMILES) No. I think he was secretly hoping he'd get a shot at stardom, here in la la land. (WHISPERS) C.C. told me he's been auditioning. When she found out, he even asked her if she couldn't swing some-- |
C.C. RUNS IN, STRAIGHT TO MAXWELL AND FRAN. SHE DOESN'T NOTICE NILES COOLING OFF IN THE KIDDIE POOL.
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C.C. (ENTHUSIASTIC) I got the hairy monster a guest role! |
NILES' HEAD POPS UP.
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C.C. (CONT'D) Oh, Maxwell, I hope you don't mind. But I managed to talk the casting director into using my precious lambykins at the beginning of scene two. |
NILES SCRAMBLES OUT OF THE POOL, EXPECTATIONS RAISED. C.C. HAS HER BACK TO HIM.
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MAXWELL Er, no, I don't mind. But scene two, isn't that-- C.C. Good! 'Cause it took me a while to convince 'em. They were afraid he wouldn't take commands. I said to them: "Hah, when I speak, he listens! I can tell him to sit, and roll over, and give me kisses, all on command." |
SHE TURNS AROUND TOWARDS NILES, WHO IS SOMEWHAT CONFUSED BY HER BEING SO OPEN ABOUT THEIR BEDROOM SECRETS.
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C.C. (CONT'D) And there is my star now! |
SHE OPENS HER ARMS WIDE AND WALKS TOWARDS NILES, WHO IS ABOUT READY TO FALL INTO HER ARMS IN SHEER GRATITUDE. THEN, CHESTER BARGES IN, RUNS THROUGH NILES' LEGS AND INTO C.C.'S ARMS.
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C.C. (CONT'D) Chester Babcock, guess what your agent did for you! |
OFF NILES' REACTION, WE FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
Go On to Act Two
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