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7.7 Valuable Friendships
by
Julia S. O'Brien
(Scout3160@aol.com)
COLD OPENING
INT. SHEFFIELD BREAKFAST NOOK - MORNING
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FRAN SITS AT THE TABLE WITH THE TWINS IN HIGHCHAIRS IN FRONT OF HER, FEEDING THEM BREAKFAST.
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FRAN
Eve, honey, this is your third bowl of cereal.
Aren't ya gettin' full?
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EVE OPENS HER MOUTH LIKE A STARVING LITTLE BIRD AND MAKES
A SURPRISINGLY SIMILAR SOUND.
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FRAN
Oy. Another member of my family who's gonna
be in Weight Watchers before kindergarten.
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SHE SPOONS IN MORE CEREAL THEN TURNS TO JONAH.
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FRAN
How about you, Jonah? You've hardly eaten a
thing, sweetheart.
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JONAH IS ABSORBED IN WATCHING THE PATTERNS OF LIGHT ON THE CEILING.
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FRAN
Yoo-hoo, Jonah? Ya want some mashed bananas?
They're your favorite!
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HE'S DISCOVERED HIS HAND NOW AND IS BUSY PLAYING WITH HIS FINGERS.
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FRAN
OK, but I bet your sister will want them. They're
her favorite, too.
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JONAH IMMEDIATELY LOOKS AT HER AND OPENS HIS MOUTH.
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FRAN
(SMILING) Just like your daddy. Ya don't want
it 'til I offer it to someone else.
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| HE LOOKS AT HER ADORINGLY, HIS GREEN EYES SPARKLING WITH MISCHIEF, AND GIVES HER A WIDE, TOOTHLESS GRIN - FULL OF BANANA. |
FRAN LAUGHS, WIPES BANANA OFF HIS CHIN AND PLACES A LOVING KISS ON HIS SOFT, DARK HAIR.
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FRAN
Mamula, that's a smile only a mother could love.
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SFX:A KNOCK ON THE OUTSIDE DOOR.
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FRAN
Now who could that be? (BELLOWING)
Come in!
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| THE TWINS DON'T EVEN FLINCH AT HER VOLUME. |
FRAN
Hi, Niles! What are you doin' here?
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HE SMILES SHEEPISHLY, PROFFERING A FOIL-WRAPPED PLATE.
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NILES
This coffee cake was just sitting around
going to waste and for some odd reason I
immediately thought of you.
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FRAN SMILES WARMLY AND STANDS TO TAKE THE PLATE FROM HIM.
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FRAN
(PEEKING UNDER THE FOIL)
Oooo! This looks a heck of a lot better than
leftover Halloween candy!
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SHE TOSSES A HALF-EATEN CANDY BAR INTO A PLASTIC PUMPKIN SITTING ON THE COUNTER AND SETS THE PLATE ON THE TABLE.
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FRAN
So, what are you doin' comin' in through
the back door? Ya know, you're not the butler
anymore. You're a friend.
NILES
Oh, old habits die hard. Besides, you know
what they say, "The best friends are back-door
friends."
FRAN
Great. That makes for you and the guy that
delivers the groceries. (THINKING)
Although, he does play a nice hand of Gin
Rummy. . . . Anyway, I woulda thought after
your "whirlwind honeymoon," you'd still
be snuggled up in bed this morning with Miss --
uh -- Ms. -- hmm. Ya know, it's funny never
usin' your last name.
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NILES IS BENDING OVER THE BABIES, MAKING FUNNY FACES.
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NILES
(ABSENTLY) Funny, funny, funny.
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HE STRAIGHTENS AND SIGHS DEEPLY.
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NILES
But, I'm afraid the honeymoon is over. Hecuba
couldn't wait to get to the studio this morning.
I suppose that the prospect of blinding some
enthusiastic young ingenue and draining the
life out of her was just too enticing.
(SADLY) I don't know how I'll fill the day
without her.
FRAN
Awwww! Isn't that . . . . twisted. Meanwhile,
sit! Have some cake. We've got plenty of love to
go around right here.
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EVE HOLDS OUT HER ARMS AND WHINES DEMANDINGLY AT HER MOTHER.
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NILES
Oh my. Isn't that uncanny?
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FRAN
What? Oh, ya mean that already Eve can tell
me what she wants?
NILES
No, that already she sounds so much like her
mother.
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FRAN SMILES AND SWATS HIM ON THE ARM.
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FRAN
I missed you too, Niles.
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NILES
All right, you pour the coffee, I'll dish up the bobca,
and we'll have a good gossip! Just like old times.
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HE CROSSES TO THE KITCHEN AND BEGINS OPENING AND CLOSING DRAWERS.
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NILES
Just tell me where you've hidden the silverware.
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FRAN TURNS AND POINTS TO A SHINY METAL CONTRAPTION ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER.
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MYSTIFIED, NILES LIFTS THE LID AND IS ENVELOPED IN A CLOUD OF STEAM..
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FRAN
Klaus gives a whole new meaning to the term
"germ-warfare."
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NILES UNWRAPS TWO SHRINK-WRAPPED COFFEE MUGS AND PLACES THEM ON THE COUNTER.
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NILES
"Klaus." Another new butler?
FRAN
(SOURLY) Yeah. Ya know, it's gettin' so we've
got a different wacko every week. I'm startin' to
feel like Murphy Brown, here.
NILES
Tell me about it. I've had my own descent into
madness trying to find someone to care for our
love nest, too. At least cleanliness is an asset.
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NILES COMPULSIVELY CHECKS THE SILVERWARE FOR SPOTS AS HE WALKS BACK INTO THE BREAKFAST NOOK.
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FRAN
Sure it is, as long as I don't wake up some morning
and find a paper strip across the top of the twins'
cribs!
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A FRAIL-LOOKING MAN WITH THINNING BLOND HAIR ENTERS. HE IS DRESSED IN A LONG, GREEN SURGICAL GOWN AND RUBBER GLOVES AND CARRIES THE CORDLESS TELEPHONE.
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MAN
Telephone, Mrs. Sheffield. (RE: NILES)
I beg your pardon. I didn't realize you had a guest.
FRAN
Klaus, this is my dear friend, Niles. Niles, this is
Klaus. The butler.
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KLAUS AND NILES LOOK EACH OTHER OVER CRITICALLY.
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KLAUS
(IN A LOUD WHISPER) Is he sterile, do you
think?
NILES
(OUTRAGED) Sterile! You impudent young --
I'll have you know that I . . .
FRAN
(LAUGHING) Boys, boys! Don't get your mops
in a twist! Klaus, if there's one thing you don't have
to worry about, it's Niles' personal hygiene. He
makes even Mr. Clean look dingy.
KLAUS
(SUBDUED) Yes, Ma'am.
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SFX: A SQUAWKED "FRAN? ARE YA THERE?" FROM THE TELEPHONE RECEIVER.
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KLAUS
(REMEMBERING) Oh! . . . I believe your caller
said her name was Val.
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TAKING A CAN OF LYSOL OUT OF HIS POCKET, HE DOUSES THE PHONE LIBERALLY WITH DISINFECTANT BEFORE HOLDING IT OUT TO HER.
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FRAN
Oh my Gawd! Val? I've been tryin' to reach her
for days!
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| SHE TAKES THE PHONE AND GIVES EVE TO KLAUS, WHO LOOKS AT THE STICKY LITTLE FACE AND HANDS AND WRINKLES HIS NOSE DISTASTEFULLY, AS IF HE MIGHT GIVE HER A GOOD SPRAYING AS WELL.
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NILES HOLDS OUT HIS ARMS.
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NILES
(STILL IRRITATED) Here, I'll take her.
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GRATEFULLY, KLAUS TURNS TO NILES.
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KLAUS
Thank you, sir. (WHISPERING) Would you like
a pair of rubber gloves? I have extras.
NILES
That won't be necessary.
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SHRUGGING, KLAUS PASSES THE BABY TO NILES AND TURNS TO EXIT.
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KLAUS
Yes, Mrs. Sheffield?
FRAN
The diaper pail in the nursery needs emptying
again.
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KLAUS TURNS A DECIDED SHADE OF GREEN.
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KLAUS
(SIGHING) I'll get the equipment.
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| HE WALKS TO A CUPBOARD AND REMOVES WHAT APPEARS TO BE A MOON SUIT, THEN EXITS. |
NILES STARES OPENMOUTHED.
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FRAN
There are reasonable limits.
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ACT ONE
SCENE ONE
INT. BREAKFAST NOOK - CONTINUOUS
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NILES SITS IN A CHAIR HAPPILY BOUNCING A BABY ON EACH KNEE.
FRAN TALKS ON THE PHONE.
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FRAN
Val! Where have you been? I've been calling and
calling you!
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SHE LISTENS FOR A MOMENT.
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FRAN
Oh my Gawd! That's fantastic, honey!
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COVERING THE RECEIVER, SHE TURNS TO NILES.
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FRAN
(EXCITEDLY) Val and Fred eloped to Atlantic
City!
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| NILES PANTOMIMES AN ELATED EXPRESSION FOR THE TWINS, WHO STUDY HIM SOLEMNLY. |
FRAN LISTENS AGAIN. HER SMILE DISAPPEARS.
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FRAN
Oh my Gawd. That's terrible!
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FRAN
But Fred forgot to ask for time off and he
lost his job at the pharmacy!
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NILES' EXPRESSION CHANGES TO A MASK OF TRAGEDY. THE TWINS ABSORB THIS WITH WRINKLED BROWS.
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FRAN
(TO VAL) Oh my Gawd.
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FRAN
And they had to give up Fred's apartment!
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| NILES LOOKS AS IF HE MAY CRY. THE BABIES BEGIN TO POUT. |
FRAN TURNS TO THE PHONE AGAIN.
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FRAN
Oh, well, that's good. I guess. (WHISPERING
TO NILES) It's OK. Her parents let them move in.
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NILES SHRUGS AND SMILES WEAKLY. THE TWINS LOOK FROM HIM TO THEIR MOTHER AND BACK AGAIN. THEY SMILE UNCERTAINLY.
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FRAN
(TO VAL) Oh my Gawd.
(TO NILES) They're both sleeping on the pool
table!
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NILES' EXPRESSION FALLS AGAIN. THE TWINS FROWN.
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FRAN
(TO VAL) Oy. This is awful, sweetie, I wish I
could do something to help. If only we weren't way
out here in California! . . . . Wait a minute! I just
thought of something!
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NILES EYES HER SUSPICIOUSLY. PUZZLED, THE TWINS AGAIN TURN TO LOOK AT THEIR MOTHER.
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FRAN
Max's sitcom is really startin' to come together
now! I'll bet he could find a job for Fred!
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NILES LOOKS HORRIFIED AND STARTS VIGOROUSLY SHAKING HIS HEAD IN THE BACKGROUND. THE BABIES IMITATE HIM.
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FRAN
(OBLIVIOUS) Of course he could, sweetheart! . . .
No, I'm sure it would be no trouble! . . . Well, no.
They already have the stars. . . . But, I'm sure Max
can find something for Fred, I mean this is Hollywood!
Everyone hires their friends! That's right, you just
leave everything to me! Talk to ya soon! . . .
Give Fred a kiss for me. Bye.
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FRAN LOOKS UP TO FIND THREE HORRIFIED FACES LOOKING BACK AT HER.
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FRAN
What? Isn't that what friends are for?
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ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
INT. MAX'S HOME OFFICE - THAT EVENING
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MAX IS SEATED AT HIS DESK. FRAN STANDS BEFORE HIM, ARGUING HER CASE.
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FRAN
But honey, that's what friends are for!
MAXWELL
Darling, I understand your wanting to help Val,
but I don't know what I could even hire Fred
to do. He has no experience whatsoever in the
entertainment industry.
FRAN
Oh, I know! The closest the poor guy's ever been to
Hollywood was filling the tabloid racks at the
drugstore, but there must be something he could do!
MAXWELL
What I don't understand, is why he would want to
give up a career in pharmacy for something as
unpredictable as one in television. A qualified
pharmacist should have no trouble finding a position
in another establishment.
FRAN
See, that's just it. He wasn't really a pharmacist.
MAXWELL
What do you mean, he wasn't really a pharmacist?
FRAN
Well, he wanted to be one, but . . . well,
he sorta . . . flunked outta school.
(SCORNFULLY) And wouldn't ya know,
that darn Sally Struthers doesn't offer a
mail-order course in pharmaceuticals!
(SIGHING) So, he did the next best thing,
and got a job workin' the counter at
Drugs R Us. (THINKING) Ya know, he's
really very talented. I still can't figure out how
he squeezed all the words onto those little
labels.
MAXWELL
(CONFUSED) Labels? What labels? You've
lost me.
FRAN
You know. The little labels . . . on the pill bottles.
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MAX BEGINS RUBBING HIS TEMPLES.
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MAXWELL
Ah, yes, of course. The labels on the pill bottles.
How silly of me. You know, I've met the most
extraordinary people since you came into my life.
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SHE SITS ON THE CORNER OF HIS DESK AND LOOKS SOULFULLY INTO HIS EYES.
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FRAN
So, wha'da ya think? Can you help him, sweetie?
MAXWELL
Oh well, with a skill like that, how can I refuse?
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FRAN SMILES ENCOURAGINGLY AND BATS HER EYELASHES AT HIM.
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MAX SIGHS.
MAXWELL
I'll see what I can do.
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HER FACE LIGHTS UP WITH A WARM SMILE AND SHE SLIDES INTO HIS LAP, WRAPPING HER ARMS AROUND HIS NECK.
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FRAN
I love you.
MAXWELL
Yes, well, at least that's some consolation.
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HE SMILES AT HER AND KISSES HER GENTLY. THEN FIXES HER WITH A NO-NONSENSE LOOK.
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MAXWELL
But they are not moving in here.
FRAN
Oh now, you just leave all that to me!
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SHE SMILES, SNUGGLES CLOSE AND RUNS HER FINGERS THROUGH HIS HAIR.
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FRAN
(SEDUCTIVELY) Did I mention that the twins are
asleep already?
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THEY KISS AGAIN, BRIEFLY. THEN LINGERINGLY. DEEPLY. VAL AND FRED'S PROBLEMS FADE RAPIDLY AWAY, REPLACED WITH CONCERNS SUDDENLY MUCH MORE PRESSING .
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ACT ONE
SCENE THREE
INT. SHEFFIELD DINING ROOM - MORNING - SEVERAL DAYS LATER
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VAL, FRED, SYLVIA, YETTA AND MORTY SIT AT THE DINING ROOM TABLE EATING BREAKFAST WITH THE SHEFFIELDS. EVERYONE IS TALKING AT ONCE.
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FRAN
(TO MAX) Oh, this is so much fun, all of us
together again at the same table!
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MAX IS ABSORBED IN WATCHING FRED METHODICALLY SHOVEL FOOD INTO HIS MOUTH LIKE A MACHINE.
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FRED
(MOUTH FULL) Ya know, Mr. Sheffield,
Val and me just can't thank you enough
for lettin' us move in here like this!
FRAN
(OFF MAX'S LOOK) Of course, it's only
temporary - ya know, 'till they get a place
of their own.
SYLVIA
(SARCASTICALLY) What exactly are you
gonna be doin' on my son-in-law's show,
Fred?
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FRED WIPES HIS MOUTH WITH HIS NAPKIN, STRAIGHTENS PROUDLY AND CLEARS HIS THROAT.
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FRED
I'm going to play one of the animals.
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YETTA
Animals? Ya got animals on your show
now?
VAL
That's right, Yetta. Fred's gonna be a gopher!
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BRIGHTON AND GRACIE EXCHANGE GRINS.
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FRAN
Oy.
MORTY
What are you producin' now? Noah's Ark?
MAXWELL
(TRYING NOT TO LAUGH) I think there's
been a little misunderstanding, Morty.
SYLVIA
How could anybody be so du--
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FRAN STUFFS A ROLL INTO HER MOTHER'S MOUTH.
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FRAN
Have ya tried the croissants, Ma?
MAXWELL
In the entertainment industry, Fred, a gofer
is an assistant.
FRAN
Yeah, you know, somebody who goes fer coffee
- or doughnuts. Stuff like that.
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VAL AND FRED LOOK UNCERTAINLY AT EACH OTHER.
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FRAN
It's a very important position.
SYLVIA
(ASIDE) It sure is. And he'd better not screw
it up, either.
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FRAN GIVES HER A KICK UNDER THE TABLE.
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FRAN
(TO SYLVIA) How about a little peanut
butter, Ma?
FRED
(CONSIDERING) Well, I did get
coffee and doughnuts every morning for my
boss at the drugstore . . .
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FRAN AND MAX NOD ENCOURAGINGLY AT HIM.
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FRED
. . . but I think they're what gave him high
blood pressure. Ya know, his face always
turned bright red when he screamed at me.
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MAX ARCHES AN EYEBROW AT FRAN.
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FRED
And, if ya don't mind my sayin' Mr. Sheffield,
a man your age should really be eatin' more fiber.
I like a nice bowl of stewed prunes in the morning.
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FRED
Really keeps ya regular!
VAL
(NODDING) It does, too. He goes first thing
every morning - regular as clockwork!
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MAX LOOKS APPALLED. FRAN PATS HIS HAND REASSURINGLY.
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FRAN
(TO MAX) Calm down, calm down. It's a big
house. It's not like we're sharin' a bathroom with
them, or anything.
GRACIE
(LOOKING DISGUSTED) You aren't.
MAXWELL
Yes. Well. Thank you for that bit of advice, Fred.
I'll keep that in mind.
VAL
It's like my mother says, "One man's meat is another
man's poison."
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C.C.
Hello, hello!
BRIGHTON
Or in Niles' case . . .
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GRACIE AND BRIGHTON SNICKER.
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MAXWELL
(WARNINGLY) Brighton. . . . Good morning, C.C.
Niles.
FRAN
Hi, you guys! Ya want some breakfast?
NILES
Well, we just finished some hot, buttered
sweet-buns . . .
C.C.
But I could easily go for another round.
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SHE GROWLS PROVOCATIVELY AT NILES.
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NILES
(LEERING AT HER) Yes, you are quite
insatiable these days.
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BRIGHTON AND GRACIE SCRAMBLE OUT OF THEIR CHAIRS.
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BRIGHTON
Oh, wow, look at the time! I gotta get to class!
GRACIE
Yeah, me too! Wait up, Brighton! You can
drop me off!
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C.C.
(LOOKING AROUND) My goodness,
this looks like the Clampet family reunion!
(RE: VAL AND FRED) When did Elly
May and Jethro get here?
VAL
Um . . . it's Val and Fred, Ms. Babcock.
And we're not related, or anything. Just friends.
(TO FRED) Oy, is she terrible with names,
or what?
C.C.
(SARCASTICALLY): Oh, that's right!
Where is my mind this morning? And isn't
Fred going to be our new gofer?
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NILES
(SOTTO TO FRAN) She barbecued the last
one.
C.C.
Welcome to the show!
VAL
(SOTTO TO FRAN) Ya know, Fran, I think pregnancy
has really mellowed her!
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FRAN STARES AT HER IN DISBELIEF.
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FRAN
Yeah Val, like Godzilla. (TO MAX) Sweetie,
what are you gonna be doin' on the set today?
Val and I thought we'd come down later and
see how you're all gettin' along.
C.C.
Oh, ho, ho! Not today, you're not!
FRAN
(OUTRAGED) Excuse me?
MAXWELL
Ah, yes. Well. I'm sure what C.C. meant to say
darling, (HE GLARES AT C.C.) was that perhaps
today wouldn't be the best of all days to pay us a
visit.
FRAN
And why is that?
MAXWELL
Well, you know, it'll be Fred's first day on the job.
He'll be just getting to know everyone. And, there
are a few difficulties on the set just now that need
sorting out. I'm afraid we'll all be terribly busy.
C.C.
Speaking of difficulties, Maxwell, it's getting late.
Hadn't we better get going?
MAXWELL
(LOOKING AT HIS WATCH) Ah, yes. Thank
you, C.C. Come along, Fred. We'll see that you
get off on the right foot this morning.
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| MAX AND FRED GET UP FROM THE TABLE. FRED GIVES VAL A PECK ON THE CHEEK. NILES AND C.C. SNARL AT EACH OTHER. |
NOTING FRAN'S PETULANT EXPRESSION, MAX LEANS OVER AND GIVES HER A HESITANT KISS.
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MAXWELL
Perhaps later in the week, darling. Today, just
wouldn't be a good day.
FRAN
(POUTING) OK. I heard you.
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SHE KISSES HIM. MAX AND C.C. EXIT WITH FRED IN TOW.
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FRED
(OFF CAMERA) What about prune danish?
Ya know, Krispy Kreme makes some nice
big ones!
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FRAN WAITS UNTIL THEY ARE OUT OF EARSHOT, THEN PULLS NILES ASIDE.
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FRAN
OK, Niles, dish! Why can't we come down to
the set today?
NILES
(UNCOMFORTABLE) I'm not supposed to tell . . .
FRAN
(WHEEDLING) Did you know that Brighton has
every episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation
on tape?
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NILES BITES HIS LIP AND SHAKES HIS HEAD.
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FRAN
Even "Elementary, Dear Data" and
"Ship in a Bottle."
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NILES' FACE CONTORTS AS HE STRUGGLES WITH HIS CONSCIENCE.
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FRAN
Although, I still say you don't look
anything like the guy that plays Moriarity.
. . . You're much better looking.
NILES
Ohhhh . . . (FOLDING) Liza Minelli is
guest starring this week!
FRAN
Liza Minelli?! Oh, I love her! (THINKING)
Now, all I gotta do is figure out a way to get us
past the security guard at the gate.
VAL
But, Fran, Max said we couldn't come down
to the set today.
FRAN
No, he didn't, Val! He said, "Perhaps today wouldn't
be the best of all days." He didn't say we couldn't come.
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VAL NODS AS IF THIS MAKES ALL THE DIFFERENCE.
NILES LOOKS EXTREMELY SKEPTICAL.
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FRAN
Only, what am I gonna do with the twins?
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SHE TURNS TO HER MOTHER AND FINDS HER WRESTLING WITH KLAUS
OVER HER PLATE.
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SYLVIA
But we're not finished yet! Look at all that nice
Kosher sausage that's going to go to waste!
KLAUS
Sausage?! (SHUDDERS) Do you know what
they make that from?! If you ask me, you'd be
much better off without it!
SYLVIA
Well, I didn't ask you!
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SHE YANKS THE PLATE OUT OF HIS HANDS.
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SYLVIA
So, gimme back our plates!
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KLAUS SURRENDERS, EXITING WITH THE REST OF THE DIRTY CROCKERY AND MUTTERING UNDER HIS BREATH. THE FINES HAPPILY DIG IN FOR SECONDS.
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SYLVIA LOOKS UP, HER MOUTH FULL.
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FRAN
Ya know those two angelic little grandchildren
that I labored with all day and night to give you?
How would you like to look after them for a little
while today?
SYLVIA
(MOUTH FULL) Darling! You know I'd love to!
(LOOKING AROUND) Where are they?!
FRAN
Relax, Ma, they're still sleeping. You can finish
chewin' first.
NILES
If anyone asks, I know nothin'. Nothin'.
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