7.8 Fran Gets Wired
by
Sabine Clement
(sabine.clement@vrt.be)
COLD OPENING
| FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - MORNING MAXWELL ENTERS WITH AN EMPTY MUG IN HIS HAND AND OPENS A CABINET. |
(YELLS IN DISGUST) Oh, my God! Fran. Fran! |
| FRAN RUSHES IN. |
What's wrong? We're out of cocoa? |
| MAXWELL POINTS AT THE CABINET. AN ENORMOUS SPIDER SITS ON THE INSIDE OF THE DOOR. |
Honey, I'm no longer a domestic. Get Ni-- Oh. (BEAT) Brighton? At college. Val? Househunting. Ah. The twins? Honey, to that (POINTS AT SPIDER) they're like an midmorning snack. We're all alone? Yeah... |
| FRAN AND MAXWELL LOOK AT EACH OTHER A BEAT. THE LOOKS ON THEIR FACES GO FROM DISCOMFORT OVER SURPRISE TO LUST. THEY HUG TIGHTLY. MAXWELL LEANS INTO FRAN TO KISS HER, THEN RETRACTS AT THE LAST INSTANT. |
I can't do this. (OFF SPIDER) Not with four sets of eyes staring at us. |
| THEY STAND LOCKED IN THEIR EMBRACE, EYEING THE SPIDER WARILY. |
Honey... You're the man, here. (SILENCING HIS PROTEST AT ONCE) No, don't deny it. I can feel it quite clearly. So, do what you have to do... (BEAT) and kill that beast. I, ah... |
| HE COMPOSES HIMSELF AND LETS GO OF FRAN. |
Actually, those delivery men should be about ready with the computer. I'd better check up on them. (OFF FRAN'S LOOK, STRUGGLING TO DEFEND HIMSELF) Perhaps one of them is an exterminator? As a side-job? It's just a spider. That's not a spider. That's Godzilla. Honey, this is LA. Everyone can get big, here. (PICKING UP A BOX OF INSTA-SLIM) Here, this should knock it right out. I need more rebound. |
| FRAN HANDS MAXWELL A FRYING PAN. HE WHIRLS IT AND, WITH A PRIMEVAL SCREAM, SMACKS IT ONTO THE SPIDER. |
Wow. That was... wild. Brutal. (THE CUPBOARD DOOR FALLS OFF ITS HINGES) Destructive. |
| THEY HUG EACH OTHER FORCEFULLY. |
| SFX: DOOR SLAMMING |
Fran? (ANNOYED) Sure. Now the troops arrive! |
| SHE CROSSES TOWARDS THE HALLWAY. |
(RESIGNING TO THEIR FATE) At least it won't be some hairy monster interrupting. |
| FRAN OPENS THE DOOR, TO REVEAL A MAN-SIZED, HAIRY TEDDY BEAR.
UPON FRAN'S REACTION, WE: |
FADE OUT.
SCENE ONE
| FADE IN: INT. KITCHEN - CONTINUOUS FRAN STARES AT THE BEAR IN SHOCK. THEN, VAL AND FRED APPEAR FROM BEHIND THE BEAR. |
Surprise! Vààààl! We were having a moment here. Oh. Should we wait outside? Yeah. Another three minutes won't kill us. Would ya? Now, darling, these people are our guests. You can't throw them out. Not out out. I was thinking, the library. |
| FRAN SCURRIES VAL, FRED AND THE BEAR OUT. |
Oh, and plug those into your ears, would ya? (HANDS THEM A PACKAGE OF CALIFORNIA RAISINS) |
| SFX: DOORBELL |
Oh, why? That'll be C.C. |
| MAXWELL EXITS TO THE HALLWAY. FRAN EXITS AND JOINS VAL AND FRED AT THE FAMILY AREA. |
RESET TO:
| INT. FAMILY AREA - CONTINUOUS
VAL, FRED AND THE BEAR ARE PLOPPED DOWN ON THE SOFA. FRAN ENTERS. |
So, what's with the bear? It's a gift. To thank you for letting us stay here. Aw, Val, you know our house is your house. I enjoy having you guys around! (NODS AT THE DOOR THROUGH WHICH MAXWELL EXITED) You mean, when he's not around. Sorry, Fred. It's just that Max is hardly ever home anymore. Yesterday, he even fell asleep on the job. Huh. That don't come as a surprise. And what's that supposed to mean? At his age, no man's up to a performance every night. At least not without a daily dose of ginseng tea. (A TRIFLE ANNOYED) Ah-hah. Thanks, Fred. I'll keep that in mind. (THEN, SPELLING IT OUT) Only, he fell asleep on his desk. Over work. We don't need no tea. |
| MAXWELL ENTERS WITH A BASKET FULL OF TEABAGS. |
Honey, is that all you ordered from the grocery? |
| SFX: DOORBELL |
I'll get it. |
| SFX: BABY CRIES |
And that too. |
We so need a butler. (TO VAL AND FRED) Meanwhile, I'm glad to have you guys around. Fran, I don't know how to tell you this-- We're moving out. So you can have more moments. You're leaving me? We found this nice, little apartment. Today? And it comes furnished. Now that Frederick's of Hollywood has its clearance sale? So, all we came for are our clothes. (WAILING) But I'm very particular about my undies. |
| MAXWELL ENTERS WITH EVE ON HIS ARM. THE BABY IS WEARING A SEQUINED DIAPER. C.C. ENTERS RIGHT AFTER MAXWELL. MAXWELL HANDS THE BABY TO FRAN. |
Fran, I think Eve's diaper rash is spreading. Ewww... Looks like ringworm. |
| FRAN SENDS HIM A DESPISING LOOK. |
They're leopard print stockings. |
I'll get it. I know the way. |
| MAXWELL EXITS. |
Hi, Ms. Babcock. How are ya? Oh, please, just pretend I'm not here. Okay. (TO FRAN, POINTING AT C.C.) Ask her to come with you! |
| FRAN LOOKS AT HER FRIEND LIKE SHE'S GONE CRAZY. |
(IN A LOUD WHISPER) Val?! She said to ignore her! She said that to me. So... So what? So, it's your attention she wants. |
|
AFTER SOME MORE NUDGING FROM VAL, FRAN TURNS TO C.C. |
|
(SMILING NERVOUSLY) Hiya, Miss Babcock. Fancy a trip to Frederick's? (STROKES HER SWOLLEN STOMACH) I doubt that my choice in lingerie coincides with yours. Ah-hah. Ya gotta pee every five minutes? (DROPPING THE VENEER) It's terrible. |
| MAXWELL RE-ENTERS WITH A STACK OF COOKIES. |
(RE: COOKIES) Girl Scouts. Sweetheart, I have to go. C.C. and I have a one o'clock meeting. But you promised we'd spend the afternoon together! (PUZZLED) When did I do that? At our wedding, remember? "Till death do us part"? Darling, I'm sorry, but if I forsake this meeting, I may return a dead man indeed. Fran, honey, we got to get packing. Why is everyone leaving me? Couldn't someone come through that door and say: "Honey, let's go do something together?" |
| TWO MUSCULAR DELIVERY MEN ENTER. |
I should hope not. (HANDING MAXWELL A CLIP BOARD) Mr. Sheffield, if you could sign here, then we're on our way. You too? What's the rush? Ya sure you don't wanna stay for a cup of... (LOOKS AT TEABAGS) ginseng tea. |
| SFX: PHONE RINGS FRAN PICKS UP THE PHONE. |
(INTO PHONE) Hello? Maggie! |
| AS SHE TALKS TO THE PHONE, MAXWELL SIGNS THE DELIVERY PAPERS AND EVERYONE PREPARES TO LEAVE. |
Speak up, honey, will ya? There's lotsa people-- |
| MAXWELL, C.C., VAL, FRED AND THE DELIVERY MEN EXIT THROUGH VARIOUS EXITS. SFX: DOORS SLAMMING IN RAPID SUCCESSION. |
--around. |
| OFF FRAN'S REACTION, WE: |
DISSOLVE TO:
ACT ONE
SCENE TWO
| INT. SYLVIA'S LIVING ROOM - LATER THAT DAY FRAN SITS AT THE TABLE AND TRIES TO FEED JONAH STRAINED FRUIT. MEANWHILE, SYLVIA WALKS AROUND WITH AN IN-HOUSE DECORATION MAGAZINE IN HER HANDS AND RE-ARRANGES VARIOUS KITCHEN ITEMS. |
Oh, Ma, I'm so glad you moved to LA too. I really need someone to talk to. (ABSENTLY) Ah-hah. Niles is gone, Val's moving out, Maggie's at the other side of the globe. And Max is so swamped with work, I hardly see him anymore. Sure. Ma, are ya even listening? Wha, you said you needed to talk. Who said anything about listening? |
| FRAN OFFERS HER A SPOONFUL OF STRAINED FRUIT. SYLVIA SITS DOWN QUICKLY AND ACCEPTS THE SPOON. |
Sorry, sweetheart. You were saying? I said that everyone's left me. And Max is so busy. He comes home real late, too troubled to sleep, and then in the morning, he has trouble rising. Did you try ground rhino horn? It's a mighty strong aphrodisiac. Ma?! He has trouble getting up. Ah-hah? As in getting outta bed! Oy! Not that I want him to get out, but... He doesn't notice. Oh, when did I stop being his sexy wife? |
| JONAH SPITS HIS STRAINED FRUIT ONTO FRAN. AS SHE GETS UP TO TAKE A KLEENEX, WE GET A GOOD LOOK UPON HER RAGGED AND NOT-AT-ALL SEXY APPEARANCE. |
Sweetheart, until those kids are potty-trained, forget about being sexy. Which means, at your age, you may as well forget about it altoge-- |
| FRAN QUICKLY PICKS UP JONAH AND PLACES HIM ONTO A COOKING POT. THEN, SHE REALIZES THAT SHE'S ACTING IN PANIC. SHE PICKS JONAH BACK UP AND HOLDS HIM UP TO HER SHOULDER. |
Oh, why am I even trying? With his daddy's genes, it'll take him five year to hit the next stage. |
| FRAN MOVES OVER TO THE STROLLER AND PUTS JONAH TO BED. |
Oy, Ma, I don't wanna ask this, but... ya think kids chain ya down? |
| AS FRAN IS BENT OVER, EVE'S CHUBBY LITTLE HAND APPEARS OUT OF THE STROLLER. SHE GRABS FRAN'S CHAIN NECKLACE AND HAULS HER IN. |
Chain ya down? Kids? Nah. That would be something for your Daddy to do. |
| IN THE BACKGROUND, FRAN'S HEAD HAS COMPLETELY DISAPPEARED INTO THE STROLLER. WE ONLY SEE HER ARMS FLAIL, AS SHE IS STRUGGLING TO BREAK FREE. BUT EVE HAS A SURPRISINGLY STRONG GRIP. |
Not that we're into that kinky stuff, really-- (MUFFLED) Ma! Mmmbll... (STILL OBLIVIOUS) At least, not since you were born (TO HERSELF) Meanwhile, would it have hurt her to move out before she hit twenty-nine for the second time? |
| FINALLY FRAN BREAKS FREE. HER HEAD RE-APPEARS, AND SHE'S ALL FLUSHED AND SHORT OF BREATH. SHE PICKS UP EVE. ONLY NOW, SYLVIA LOOKS UP. |
Sweetheart, trust me. These are the easy years. Now, they're still immobile bundles, so plop 'em in a stroller and go. |
| FRAN STRAIGHTENS HERSELF UP AND TRIES TO GET INTO THE CONVERSATION AGAIN. |
Go? Where? Mamala, you live in LA and ya got your own Visa Platinum...? (SPELLING IT OUT) Rodeo Drive! Ma, Rodeo Drive is like this (HOLDS HER ARM AS TO INDICATE A STEEP DESCENT) So unless you wanna treat the kids to some rollercoaster ride, you won't see me there with a stroller. Well, you could start at the other side. And push them all the way up that slope? No way. Then go to the beach. Wheels gets stuck in the sand. Oy, are we picky. Griffith Park? Sure. And stampede a buncha nosy old ladies, who all start cooing simultaneously at the sight of a stroller. Especially if it's a stretch. |
| YETTA ENTERS AND COOS AT JONAH IN THE STRETCH STROLLER. THEN, SHE PRODUCES A MINIATURE BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE AND PUTS IT DOWN NEXT TO THE BOY. |
(TO JONAH) Here sonny, for your mini fridge. (RE: YETTA, TO FRAN) And you think babies keep ya from goin' places? Oy. |
| YETTA EXITS. |
Meanwhile, if you're really feeling locked to the house, why dontcha do what I did. Pick up a hobby. Oh, sure Ma. Like I'm a knitting person. I'm talking stylish hobbies. Something to kibbitz about to the hoity-toity. Ya know what's really in, these days? Feng Shui. Fengshue? (THINKS) Musta missed Yiddish class then. |
| SYLVIA SHOVES FRAN HER COPY OF 'IN STYLE MAGAZINE'. |
|
Feng Shui. It's Chinese. It tells ya how ya need to balance the yin and yang in your house to keep your chi flowing. Sounds like Chinese to me all right. It's simple. Chi is the positive energy which is all around us. But inside a house, there may be furniture or materials blocking its passage. And ya feel depressed or worn-out as a result. Oh, so, it's not the kids' crying that keeps me up at night, but a bad chi flow. Sure, Ma. No, it's the bad chi that makes them cry. You know what the problem is? The staircase leading up to their room faces the main entrance. (CYNICAL) Now, why didn't I think of that!? What should I do, replace the main entrance? Mirrors. They reverse the flow. I tried it in the bedroom, and trust me, it works. Even Daddy got a burst of positive energy. So now I'm gonna redo the whole place. |
| MORTY STUMBLES OVER SOME FURNITURE (OFFSCREEN) |
(CURSING) Who put that bench in the hallway! |
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE THREE
| INT. SHEFFIELD ENTRANCE HALL - LATER THAT DAY
CLOSE ON: FRAN SITS ON THE STAIRCASE. |
Well, Ma was right. I feel less alone already. (PUTS ON A BIG SMILE) Hi! |
| WIDEN TO REVEAL: THE WALLS ARE COVERED WITH VARIOUS MIRRORS, AND FRAN'S GRIN IS REFLECTED A THOUSANDFOLD. |
This is ridiculous. I gotta get out. |
| SHE EYES THE BABY MONITOR BESIDE HER, THEN TILTS HER HEAD AS IF SHE'S LISTENING. NOT A SOUND IS HEARD. SHE GETS UP QUIETLY AND TIPTOES TO THE FRONT DOOR. AS SOON AS SHE REACHES FOR THE DOOR HANDLE, WE HEAR: SFX: BABY CRIES FRAN QUICKLY RELEASES THE HANDLE. SFX: BABY CRIES STOP ABRUPTLY FRAN LOOKS SURPRISED, THEN RELIEVED. SHE REACHES FOR THE DOOR AGAIN. SFX: BABY CRIES FRAN LETS GO. SFX: BABY CRIES STOP ABRUPTLY FRAN GIVES UP. SHE HEADS BACK FOR THE STAIRS AND SITS DOWN. |
Look at me. A prisoner in my own house. |
| MAXWELL AND C.C. ENTER. FRAN JUMPS UP AND RUSHES TOWARDS HER HUSBAND. |
Oh, honey, you're home, you're home! |
| SHE SMACKS INTO A MIRROR IMAGE OF MAXWELL. |
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE FOUR
| INT. MAXWELL'S OFFICE - MOMENTS LATER
FRAN, MAXWELL AND C.C ENTER. MAXWELL TOSSES HIS BRIEFCASE DOWN ON THE DESK AND DROPS ONTO HIS CHAIR. C.C. PLOPS DOWN ONTO THE SOFA. FRAN ABSORBS THE SCENE, AS SHE RUBS HER FOREHEAD. |
Rough day, hah? Yes, darling, rough day. Ow, the chores of being a breadwinner. (HE SMILES WEAKLY AT HER) Count yourself lucky. I counted to two million three hundred and twelve today. If I don't get lucky now... (OBLIVIOUS OF HER MUTTERING) And I still have to work some more. Brigitte was going to mail me some contracts. |
| FRAN REACTS. |
Could you come here to the P.C.,C.C...C? (LOSING TRACK OF THE NUMBER OF C'S) (MOANING) Oh, doesn't it come with a remote? (OFF HIS TIRED LOOK) Okay, all right, I'm coming. |
| C.C. GETS UP RELUCTANTLY AND CROSSES TO THE COMPUTER. FRAN FOLLOWS HER. |
(RE: COMPUTER) Wow, that's a big one.(LOOKS AT THE SCREEN) Ooh, it's reflective! (SNICKERING) Yes, that sure was a determining factor.(LOOKS AT THE SCREEN) Oops! |
| C.C. SHOVES FRAN ASIDE, DIGS UP A LIPSTICK FROM HER PURSE AND REAPPLIES HER MAKE-UP, WHILE SHE CHECKS HERSELF IN THE MONITOR. FRAN WATCHES THIS SCENE FOR A MOMENT, THEN TURNS TO MAXWELL. |
Well, honey, this P.C. really brings an air of professionalism to the office. Shoulda bought one much earlier. Now, darling, I had a laptop for years. Yeah, but sitting on your lap is just for warming up. Everyone knows that the real serious stuff happens on the desk. |
| MAXWELL PRETENDS NOT TO HEAR. NILES ENTERS. |
(TO C.C.) Good day, Madam. Your chauffeur's here. (WALKING OVER TO HIM) So, you're a chauffeur this time. (HUSKILY) Tell me, where are we going? (LIFTING HER OFF HER FEET) With you, my dear, that must be to a plane of higher existence. Gee, it's 'The Blair Witch Project' all over again. I'm sorry, Na... Fran, but that kind of magic only works when Butler Boy says it. (TO NILES) Talking about butlers, we really have to get going. I scheduled a job interview with this guy Nanny Fine recommended to us. (PUTTING C.C. BACK DOWN ON THE FLOOR) Oh, did she? (TO FRAN) Is he any good? Well, let's just say that after Eduardo, you're gonna love Horik's credentials. Oh? Where did he use to work? A convent. (OFF THEIR WONDERING LOOKS) He's a Ben Zuddhist. You mean, a Zen Buddhist. No, a Ben Zuddhist. (SHRUGS) Something of a spin-off, I dunno. (FUMBLING AT THE BACK OF THE COMPUTER) Oh, how am I supposed to turn this thing on? (LEADING HIS HAND) Right here! Gee, you'd think you'd how to turn something on! (WINKS) Fran, stop doing that. What? What you're doing. This double entendre. I don't have time for it. Well, when do you have time for it? (RE: C.C., WHO'S SIZING UP NILES) She has! Oh, come now, darling. It's just that with such big stars around, being a producer isn't enough. I also have to be a counsellor, negotiator, a diplomat. Surely you understand that that takes its toll? And what a diplomat you are. (TO C.C.) Come along, dear. Don't want to interfere with the negotiations. |
| NILES AND C.C. EXIT. |
You just see me as a mother, don't you? Fran, I have no need for this. And what about my needs? You know, take me out to dinner, or shopping... |
| MAXWELL SIGHS AS HE GETS SEATED. SFX: SQUEAKY SOUND MAXWELL JUMPS UP AGAIN. HE LOOKS DOWN AND PICKS UP A BABY TOY FROM HIS CHAIR. |
Fran, I love you, I love the kids, I'll take you out soon, but tonight, I have work to do. And this office is my working area, so please, do keep the pins, toys and milk bottles out of here. What happened to being a hands-on dad? Sweetheart, I'm sorry, but right now, I have to be a hands-on producer. With Lesley-Anne Down guest-starring this week-- Betta be a hands-off producer. Look, I have my job and you have yours. You're the one who wanted children right away, so now you have to be their mother. |
| FRAN LOOKS AT HIM FOR TWO SECONDS. |
Oh, wait, I get it. That was humor! Ooh, go write a sitcom. I mean, ah... Well, you have to admit that, initially, I was not the driving force behind them. That's right, honey. It took you months. Besides, I could wait no longer. I had to procreate, it was Mother Nature calling! |
| SFX: PHONE RINGS MAXWELL AND FRAN LOOK STRANGELY AT THE PHONE. THEN MAXWELL PICKS IT UP. |
(INTO PHONE) Maxwell Sheffield Procreations... Productions! (BEAT) Oh, Maury. Yes... You mean, now? |
| FRAN SENDS MAXWELL A PLEADING LOOK AND SHAKES 'NO'. |
Well, it's just that it's not the best of times... No, I... All right, I'll be there in fifteen minutes. |
| HE PUTS DOWN THE RECEIVER. |
Fran, honey, I have to go. We'll discuss this later. All you need is someone to talk to. Ya know-- |
| MAXWELL EXITS HURRIEDLY AND SLAMS THE DOOR SHUT. |
--you're right. (SINKS INTO THE OFFICE CHAIR, LOOKING DOWN) Hey, feet, how ya doin'? |
|
SFX: COMPUTER BEEPS FRAN LOOKS UP AT THE SCREEN. |
(READING) 'You've got mail' (SHE HITS A KEY AND STARTS READING) Wow, Max... What have we got here? |
| FRAN STARES WIDE-EYED AT THE SCREEN, THEN SHE STARTS TYPING FRANTICALLY. |
DISSOLVE TO:
SCENE FIVE
| INT. OFFICE - LATER THAT NIGHT
FRAN SITS BEHIND THE COMPUTER. SHE IS SURROUNDED BY BABY STUFF, DIRTY PLATES, EMPTY HÄÄGEN DAZS CANS AND GENERAL JUNK. THE TWINS ARE ASLEEP ON THE SOFA. MAXWELL ENTERS WITH A BUNCH OF ROSES. |
Fran? |
| FRAN DOESN'T LOOK UP. |
Darling? What is all this junk doing in here? |
| FRAN KEEPS TYPING, OBLIVIOUS OF MAXWELL'S PRESENCE. |
(PROFFERING THE ROSES) Fran, I'm sorry about my earlier behavior. Now, could we please talk about it? |
| NO RESPONSE. MAXWELL WALKS OVER TO FRAN, PUTS THE ROSES DOWN ON THE DESK AND WRAPS HIS ARMS AROUND HER. |
Look, I understand that you're angry with me, but there's no need to bunk out here. What do you say about going upstairs and er... making up, hmm? |
|
MAXWELL STARTS NUZZLING HER NECK. FRAN, HER EYES NEVER LEAVING THE SCREEN, HANDS HIM A MILK BOTTLE. |
Here. Suckle on this. |
| MAXWELL TAKES THE BOTTLE AND LOOKS AT IT QUESTIONINGLY. |
What are you doing? Just checkin' up some websites. (THEN, GETTING ENTHUSIASTIC) Did ya know that Loehmann's has an online ordering service? And I got all those cute things for the twins at Oilili's site. (THINKING HE UNDERSTANDS) Aah. Well, honey, up in the bedroom? We have the shopping channel, on a much larger screen. This isn't about shopping. It isn't? No, there's all kinds of other stuff on it, too. Did ya know, for instance, that your male lead has his own website? Very revealing. Or here, look. The mean temperature on Iceland. (OFF HIS LOOK) What? You're always complaining I make a poor partner in Trivial Pursuit. |
| SFX: COMPUTER BEEPS |
Oh, new mail. From Cora. (SHE READS AND STARTS LAUGHING) LOL! Lol? Laughing out loud. She's so funny! (DRYLY) Is she? |
| FRAN STARTS TYPING AWAY. |
Fran, have you been in this room all evening? I've been to plenty of rooms. (GIVING IN UNDER HIS STARE) Okay, chatrooms. Fran, I'd really like you to log off and come to bed. Look at the twins, they simply passed out. Hmmm... BRT. What? BRT. Be right there. Just wanna finish this mail first. (GLOWERING) Fran, now. Oy, what are ya, a mailer daemon? |
| MAXWELL LEANS OVER AND SWITCHES OFF THE COMPUTER, HIS ACTION ALLOWING NO MORE DALLYING. |
Worse yet. You're a turn-off. |
| MAXWELL DOESN'T REPLY. INSTEAD, HE THROWS FRAN OVER HIS SHOULDER AND, DESPITE HER VERY VOCAL PROTEST, CARRIES HER OUT. |
FADE OUT.
Go On to Act Two
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